Sick of the Feigning

September 20, 2007

I’m bored with all of this. I’m bored with everything. And its getting harder and harder for me to fake interest and enthusiasm. I have a hard time looking into people’s eyes these day (I’m not sure why suddenly) I think its because my eyes can’t lie. I’ve no interest in what most people are telling me. I’ve no interest in even answering questions about myself, about my day or whatever… I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of the feigning.

Something needs to change. I don’t know what, but somethings got to happen. I’m thinking a self-imposed exile, but the time has to be right. And it’s not right yet. I don’t know what I’m going to do in the meanwhile… any suggestions? Something time consuming but stimulating at the same time.

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First off, a Darwin Award:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal imbedded in the side of a cliff rising above the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what had happened. It seems that a guy had some JATO bottles ( Jet Assisted Take Off ), actually a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes extra “push” for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala into the desert and found a long straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, built up some speed, and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be defined are that:

  1. The operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was determined by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
  2. The JATO would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the chevy to reach speeds of 350 MPH ( 560 KMPH ). JATO thrust would have continued for 20-25 seconds, insuring maintenance of that speed for that time.
  3. The driver, soon pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dig-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the vent. The automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles ( 15-20 seconds ) before the driver applied and completely melted brakes, blowing tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, to no avail, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles before impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock face.
  4. Few of the drivers remains were recovered. Small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and a fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Damn! Seriously, just imagine the sight of the crash. Damn.

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Sanju Bhagat’s stomach was once so swollen he looked nine months pregnant and could barely breathe. iving in the city of Nagpur, India, Bhagat said he’d felt self-conscious his whole life about his big belly. But one night in June 1999, his problem erupted into something much larger than cosmetic worry. Mehta said that he can usually spot a tumor just after he begins an operation. But while operating on Bhagat, Mehta saw something he had never encountered. As he cut deeper into Bhagat’s stomach, gallons of fluid spilled out — and then something extraordinary happened. “First, one limb came out, then another limb came out. Then some part of genitalia, then some part of hair, some limbs, jaws, limbs, hair.”

At first glance, it may look as if Bhagat had given birth. Actually, Mehta had removed the mutated body of Bhagat’s twin brother from his stomach. Bhagat, they discovered, had one of the world’s most bizarre medical conditions — fetus in fetu. It is an extremely rare abnormality that occurs when a fetus gets trapped inside its twin. The trapped fetus can survive as a parasite even past birth by forming an umbilical cordlike structure that leaches its twin’s blood supply until it grows so large that it starts to harm the host, at which point doctors usually intervene.

Nasty. Now that really sucks.

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Man Hides Sex Toys in the Wurst Way

BERLIN (Reuters) – Staff at a German butcher’s shop were shocked to discover a customer had hidden two sex toys in their sausages for transport to Dubai, police said Wednesday.

“It was two latex dildos with a natural look,” said a spokesman for police in the southwestern city of Mannheim.

After shopping there earlier in the day, the man, who spoke broken English, returned to the butcher’s with two large “Schwartenmagen” sausages. He asked a shop assistant to wrap and cool them until he departed for Dubai the next day.

But the assistant noticed the goods had got heavier and alerted police. Officers discovered the man, who was about 50, had removed some of the meat and packed the dildos inside.

“He could have used a loaf of bread,” the spokesman said. “It’s not against the law here. But obviously I can’t speculate on what customs in Dubai will have to say about it.”

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I wonder if you are allowed to bring sex toys into Dubai. Probably not. Because if they allowed it it may shrink the market for the prostitution rings. Then the Russians would get pissed and then they’d make the government very unhappy.

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Picture and Comic Time:

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What the hell is this section in the newspaper? The crime section?

Who reports a “cat with rectal problems”? lol

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Limitations

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Wanna be a rapper?

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O is for Old English Sheepdog

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In Case of Revolution…

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I’m not sure if I put this up before:

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Read the warning carefully:

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Quote of the Day:

Me: George Washington Carver researched peanuts, its obvious. He’s the one who invented peanut butter.

Chirp: Really? He made Jiff?

Me: I don’t think Jiff. You know the peanut with the monocle, that based on him.

Chirp: You mean Planter’s?

Me: Yeah, Planters!

Chirp: Wow! How do you know all that?

Me: I don’t, I just made all that shit up.

Chirp: Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool!

 

 

 

 

 

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Fake Bake

September 19, 2007

Hi there kids. So yesterday, I don’t know why, but I decided that I was going to try one of those self-tanner cream things. What do you guys think? Shall I try it and risk going oompa loompa? Or shall I stick with my lovely ghostly pale complexion?

Anyway, enough of my intoxicating beauty and on with the show!

First, do we have a decent public library here in Kuwait? I mean one with a variety of books (including a large English selection)? Let me know if there is. Because frankly there are some damn nice libraries out there. And you’d think with the budget surplus that Kuwaiti government has they could afford to build an nice one, but then again you’d think they could afford to build new generators for electricity too…. retards. TIMMY!

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And now for the radiology picture of the day!

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“Craniosynostosis is premature closure of the cranial sutures. The skull shape undergoes characteristic changes depending on which suture(s) close early. The sagittal suture is most commonly involved, where lateral growth of the skull is arrested while anteroposterior growth continues, producing a narrow elongated skull known as scaphocephaly (meaning boat-shaped) or dolichocephaly. Causes are primary, or secondary to certain haematologic disorders, metabolic disorders, bone dysplasias and syndromes. There is a 3:1 male predominance. Treatment is cranioplasty.”

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Let’s see…. hmmm… what’s next? How about a joke (not the best one) but it make you say damn!

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.”

The second man said, “My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.”

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?”

The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar.” The other three men grew silent as he continued, “I’m not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.”

Imagine how retarded those fathers must be feeling right about then. Damn!

Oooo! Ooo! I know, what comes next! It’s the story of this guy fired within two days of getting hired. This man is a genius. I should do what he does t seems like a blast! This is what he did:

1) He picked up every bottle of paint we were putting away and asked “Can I drink this?”
2) He used large, $30-40 tubes of paint as mini baseball bats. He also liked to juggle EVERY bottle within reach–when told some bottles are glass he said “I never drop ’em”.
3) He slid down the banisters of our main staircase after being told repeatedly NOT to do so (even when threatened with termination),
4) He was caught balancing with one foot on top of a ladder yelling “look at me!!!!” (Lucky fool–he could have been killed–proof that God DOES protect idiots)
5) He singled out one male employee and shook his hand EACH and EVERY time he passed this person.
6) He bummed 10-15 dollars total from a bunch of people HIS FIRST DAY, claiming it was “for lunch” (No—we don’t talk to each other, we couldn’t find out he was doing this–DUH!!!!)
7) He shamelessly raided the refrigerator (which has become a no-food zone b/c of previous thefts)
8) He harassed ANYTHING female, verbally and with gestures.
9) He used the U-boat carts as his own private demolition racer/skateboard/stepstool, and crashed into EVERYTHING. Including our store managers ankles.
10) We found out he’d had FOUR previous jobs since LAST NOVEMBER….(this was March) Gawd, would I love to hear their stories …so WHY did my store hire him?
11) He just plain STUNK. Mighty B-O He claimed to be a Bible-thumper, but apparently missed the expression “cleanliness is next to Godliness”. Guess showering and deodorant were against his religion.
12) He offered a “lap dancing lesson” to a male employee.
13) He told male employee “A” that MALE employee “B” was thought he was hot, and vice versa. Just to see what would happen. Yes, both “A” and “B” were straight. Unfunny nonetheless.

14) He asked EVERYBODY if they play an instrument, and regardless of the response, he said “I play my skin-flute.” Loud.

Loooooooooooool! Kick ass! *sigh* I wish I could do that!

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You know what time it is by now… so let’s GET IT ON!

Aaaaaaaagh! My eye!

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Neighborhood Slut = Chirp’s Cat

(I’m so mean!)

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For the one you love

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Tic-Tac-Toe

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Praise Ron Jeremy

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Its agreed

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If you’re happy and you know it..

The nerd version

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Nooooo!

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No seriously, I do

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Looool

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Comics

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Dogs bark when they’re hungry

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Sucky Sucky, Five Dolla

September 18, 2007

Ahhhh…. yes…. how I wish I could go back to the days when I would walk around imitating Cartman as a Thai prostitute and go “Sucky Sucky, Five Dolla!” at random. Those were the good old days.

Anyway, my plan has failed. And no… I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, it seems that I’m going to be entertaining you with all things random for a while yet. Boo for me, yay for you.

Anyway, the otherday my brother and I were discussing how if we went to a typical suburban highschool in America, we would take it over. All the people there are horribly insecure and partially retarded. We’d be like Gods among men. I don’t mean going to highschool in Harlem, where somebody’d bust a cap in my ass. I mean one of those really typical all white highschools with like one token black dude, you know, like you see on TV. Atleast I used to think I could take over until I read the following and thought that could be me:

A 9 year old was thrown out of the back of her moving school bus after a struggle with another student on their trip home. Soon after the 9 year old pulled the DS Lite from her book bag it was taken by a 13 year old boy who ran to the back of the bus with it. When the girl tried to retrieve it the two began struggling for it in the back seat.

Reports released by the Pima County School Superintendent in Arizona said the older child was being beaten in the face repeatedly and felt his only escape was to open the buses rear emergency door and jump out. The child instead shoved the young girl out of the door with the bus traveling at approximately 15 mph. The girl was bruised and scraped up but had no major injures from the fall.

The boy has been temporarily suspended from their school and has the chance of being permanently expelled pending further investigation by the school board.

Loooool…. that really sucks… getting thrown out of a bus… the story is not especially interesting but I thought the picture that accompanied it made it funny:

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I’m really not in the mood to post but I promised somebody I would so I will. But in a lazy way- links!

I have a fear of heights. So it freaks me out to even think of doing this.

My world is different from everybody else’s, for many reasons. Sometimes my unstable life gets out of control and things get really crazy kinda like this (I really like the song- its by Weird Al)

What would it be like to see U2 perform an uber-classic song. Check it out.

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Its peeeeeeeeekture time! First up it a series of pictures that illustrates how to make something that’s going to provide hours of fun for you at the office. A special gift from me to you. Enjoy!

What you need:

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Let’s get started:

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Ready! Aim! Fire!

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Actual BBC response:

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Rollin’

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Pinky and the Brain

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Weeeeee….

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iPhone

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Jesus

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Comic:

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Transform!

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VikingPimp!

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Quote of the Day:

“You can’t be both Pro-Life AND Anti-Zombie.”

 

 

 

 

Yeah, take your bloody time!

September 16, 2007

Yeah, I’m posting again. I’m still at work. I can’t leave until I get word from HR. Despite the fact that their job is easy as hell, if they do anything at all that is, they take their bloody time.
You’d think a large financial institution would understand the value of time and speedy decisions, but noooooooooo…….. idiots.

And so, my entire world is on hold as I wait for HR.

I curse you HR. I curse you! May the fleas from a thousand camels infest your pubic hair!

Anyway, an important announcement:

Happy Birthday Chirp! This comic is for you:

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And with that out of the way…. it’s time for the radiology picture of the day:

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Luo Cuifen, 29 of Beijing, China, consulted doctors after noticing blood in her urine. Turns out she has 23 inch-long needles in her gut. Surgeons will now carefully remove the needles that allegedly were inserted by her grandparents who were hoping to kill her. From the Associated Press:

Many of the needles have worked their way into Luo’s vital organs including her lungs, liver, bladder and kidneys, making their removal difficult, said Qu Rui, a spokesman for the Richland International Hospital in Yunnan province’s capital, Kunming…

Qu said doctors believe the woman’s grandparents may have inserted the needles long ago, hoping she would die and her parents might have a boy in her place. China limits most families to just one child, although rural Chinese may be allowed to have a second if their first is a girl, subject to the payment of fines.

It wasn’t clear whether further investigations into the case were planned, with media reports saying Luo’s grandparents had already died.

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Russian Posers- check out the link

Creepy Lenses – Link

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It’s random picture time! The first picture needs a brief introduction. You know those times when your sitting in your office and something’s just missing? Something that makes work so much more pleasant: Beer.

But where can you store your precious beer stock? A fridge in the middle of your office is very suspicious. Well thank God ladies and gents because some divine genuis out there created his thing:

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Seriously, God bless you brother, whoever you are.

Viagra Ad

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Pool – I’m not sure if I posted this one before

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Cool wedding photo!

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The bride who drank too much

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Looool

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Kung-Fu Kitty

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Quote of the Day:

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal. ” -Demetri Martin

And another one by Demetri Martin:

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

 

 

 

 

 

Aliens and Judgment Day

September 13, 2007

I told you that this day was possibly coming soon. It is a day when your whole world ends. Yes, my friends, it is judgment day: I’m finally leaving my job (I think-if today goes the way its supposed to).

Hush now little ones. Don’t shed any more tears. You don’t know whats going to happen. I might still post but I really don’t know anymore. I have decided, despite my parents disapproval, to try one last desperate attempt to follow my dreams. And so it is with that that I’m off to journey the unknown and unpaved path that I know is going to suck ass. But I have to try, I’ll regret it forever if I don’t.

With that farewell message to all of you out of the way, we can resume today’s post. As promised, it’s alien day!

Now, today’s post originates from some video that a friend of mine showed me that showed some UFOs flying over some place in Saudi. Now, I think he expected me to freak out, like my other friend who went “this is a sign that its judgement day, the world is coming to an end” or something to that effect.

Now, first of all, why would you believe that that video is real? Because its in Saudi? Are you insulting Saudi doctoring skills? Shame on you. Saudis are the best fakers. Just look at the double (hypocrisy-filled) lives they lead. Now, now, if you’re Saudi and offended by the comment I just made, I’m sorry *cough*- I’m sorry that you born in Saudi, its not your fault.

Second of all, so what if there are aliens? Pictures and videos of aliens have been around since forever. And so what? You’rejust nervous that things are going to change here on Earth. Maybe they’re coming to fix all the fuck-ups us humans have made ie. war with our own kind, global warming, famine in a world of abudancy. I think they should come and kill alot of us, just so that they kill off alot of the retards around. And then maybe, just maybe, when we are trying to rebuild our civilizations we’ll to it right this time.

And if they’re here just to blow things up for no reason and eat our human flesh, I’m up for the challenge. I would prefer to die in an epic battle to save the human race than die in a car accident (which is very likely here in Kuwait).

Third of all, which is really funny to me: when I told a co-worker about the whole alien video judgment day thing, she said: “Well, its possible, you know. When judgement day comes and people like Al-Mahdi, and Gog and Magog reappear we don’t know how they are going to appear and in what form.”

Seriously? As in, they are going to come back in spaceships in alien form? Loool… that’s just so funny to me. I guess it could happen maybe…. uh…. I guess… I mean I wouldn’t want to make fun of anybody’s relegious beliefs, now would I? I respect all relegions…. Hahaaha… see what I did there? Its called sarcasm…. get it? get it?

Anyway, what do you think? Do you think Jesus is going to come down from a UFO?

Anyway, check out the picture below, which people think is totally real. It’s supposed to be of an alien (possibly Al-Mahdi reappearing) and the people in the picture are freaking out.

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Hahahaha!!!!! Man! I’m going to miss you guys. You’re so gullible!

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m going to go to hell. Saying all this shit on the first day of ramadan. But firstly, for Shia ramadan is tomorrow (yes! I’m saved by a technicality! Whew! That was a close one!) Also, since I’m Shia I can make fun of Al-Mahdi, he’s my homie. Just like I can make fun of Hasan Nasarallah, but you sunna can’t. Nananabooboo!

I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong and just because its ramadan I’m not going to stop. Here’s the thing I’ve been trying to convey to people my entire life. You shouldn’t not be doing things because its ramadan. You shouldn’t do bad things because it is wrong.

I don’t like it when people say “Oh I don’t do #insert word# during ramadan” but they do it the rest of the year. What does that mean when you do that? It means you know its wrong and you just don’t do it when you feel you’re going to get punished for it extra.
What do you think God is thinking of you right now? He’s probably thinking “Okay he knows and feels it’s wrong but he does it anyway. He just doesn’t do it sometimes because he’s scared of punishment. So in conclusion this person does not avoid “sin” because its wrong but because he’s a coward.”

So what about me? I feel that the things I do are not wrong, in fact I’m convinced that they aren’t. So I do them all the time. No matter what time of year. Let’s say, for arguement’s sake, that the things I do are considered wrong in God’s eyes, who do you think God spites more? Someone who thinks what they do is good and doesn’t know any better, or somebody who knows what they do is wrong but does it anyway?

My point is also my Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Do good and avoid bad all year-round. God isn’t blind the rest of the year you know.

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Now that we’re done with the morality part of the post, let’s talk a little about me. I’m passing through a hard time right now. And for most of my life I’ve been in pain (not necessarily physical)- which is why I am how I am. What always makes me feel better is knowing others have been in more pain than me (as messed up as that is its true). Anyway, I thought I’d post some things that make me feel lucky to be me:

Heretic’s Fork

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One end of this device was pushed under the chin, the other into the sternum, with the strap securing this torture tool to the victim’s neck. Immobilized and in great pain, the victim will have to mouth off the Latin word “abiuro” (I recant), or they’ll end up being hanged or worse, burned at the stake.

 

Lead Sprinkler

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This tool, which kinda reminds me of a holy water sprinkler, was filled with either molten lead, tar, boiling oil or boiling water, then used to torture bless its victims by dripping its contents on their stomach, back and other body parts. Sounds like standard S&M practice to me, only with a greater deal of pain.

 

Tongue Tearer

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Countless heretics and blasphemers had their tongues roughly torn out with this simple device.

 

The Rack

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The rack is a contraption designed to dislocate every single joint in its victim’s body. Tied across the device’s board by the ankles and wrists, the victim’s body is then pulled in opposite directions by turning rollers at either end of the board. Great way of relieving a bad back, if you ask me. Of course, the subsequent pain caused by the multiple dislocations is another story.

That’s enough torture pictures for now I guess. I have better pictures for you. This first one is unpleasant but to me it signifies a part of ramadan. I don’t fast because I get credit with God. I do it, firstly, because it’s a good detox from all the crappy food I eat. I’m seriously considering semi-fasting for the rest of the year. It’s very physically cleansing. And secondly, in this fucked up world of ours, while we feast others die with nothing in their bellies. Fasting reminds me of that… it reminds me that there are others that live much harder lives than I do. But keep in mind fasting helps nobody but you. It’s not going to miracously put food on somebody’s table. You have to give (in a material sense-don’t just pray that somebody helps them- GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT)…. and there are alot of people who need your help:

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Incase you can’t tell, that’s a photo of a child dying of starvation. And right behind the child is a vulture, waiting for him to die…. nobody helped the child just in case you were wondering.

I don’t mean to get all of you down, but I want you to truly feel how lucky you are. And I want you to know that you aren’t not eating so that you can have a huge fun feast with friends and family and completely ignore the plight of your fellow man. Ramadan is not meant to be fun, atleast I don’t think it should be.

I know you come here to laugh your asses off but its my responsibility to teach you a few things every now and then even if it isn’t fun.

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Anyway, I don’t know if you’re in the mood to see pictures and comics but I’m going to post some anyway. But a joke I heard first:

Im7ashish gal “Ya rait ramadan mithil kaas il-3alam: mara kil arba3 sineen, oo kil mara ib dawla!”

I don’t know, I thought it was funny.

Cocoon Tent Thingy- I want this so bad!

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Baseball Bloopers

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Why is the black guy freaking out about a water balloon?

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Comics

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Quote of the Day:

” Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
If you listen carefully now you will hear.
This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Things are not the way they used to be,
I wont tell no lie;
One and all have to face reality now.
though Ive tried to find the answer to all the questions they ask.
though I know its impossible to go livin through the past –
Dont tell no lie.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air –
Cant keep them down –
If you listen carefully now you will hear.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.

This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air –
I wont tell no lie;
If you listen carefully now you will hear:
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air.”

-Bob Marley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is an anal sphincter? I’m not quite sure, but you know that I’m going to look it up! Why? Because this guy had to go under general anaesthesia in the lithotomy position, get a dilatation of anal sphincter to make per rectum retrieval successful. Retrieval of what?

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They don’t say what it is, but it looks like he stuck a axe deo spray can up his ass. Man this would be a great ad to put up for axe for all the freaks out there. Axe: The Axe Effect

Got it…. The Sphincter ani externus (external anal sphincter) is a flat plane of muscular fibers, elliptical in shape and intimately adherent to the integument surrounding the margin of the anus.

Basically, its the muscles that control when you take a shit. You savvy?

And with that I’m proud to introduce to you The Radiology Picture of The Day! Yaaay! I’m going to regularly check radiology websites and see if I can find any intersting x-rays and share them with all of you! Aren’t you lucky?

Let’s take a look at another one, just for fun!

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Time for a random story:

Two drunk men arrested for driving same vehicle

Marshfield News-Herald

Two Dorchester men were arrested for operating the same vehicle while intoxicated in the Colby-Abbotsford area.

Harvey J. Miller, 43, who has no legs, was steering the 1985 Chevrolet truck from the driver’s seat while Edwin H. Marzinske, 55, operated the break and gas pedals, according to the police report.

They were headed northbound on Hiline Avenue in Abbotsford when police pulled them over at 2:40 a.m. Saturday, Aug. 18.

Miller admitted he was too drunk to drive but argued he wasn’t operating the vehicle because he couldn’t push the pedals. Miller was issued a citation for a third drunk driving offense, while Marzinske was cited for a second. Both men were also cited for operating after revocation.

A third drunk man in the vehicle walked himself home after the incident.

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In other news…. which I think might be proof of global warming or proof that Starbucks is taking over the world (and dumping its froth on people):

“Foam swallowed an entire beach and half the nearby buildings, including the local lifeguards’ centre, in a freak display of nature at Yamba in New South Wales. One minute a group of teenage surfers were waiting to catch a wave, the next they were swallowed up in a giant bubble bath. The foam was so light that they could puff it out of their hands and watch it float away.

Scientists explain that the foam is created by impurities in the ocean, such as salts, chemicals, dead plants, decomposed fish and excretions from seaweed. These elements are churned together by powerful currents which cause the water to form bubbles. These bubbles stick to each other as they are carried below the surface by the current towards the shore and as a wave starts to form on the surface, the motion of the water causes the bubbles to swirl upwards, mass together and form foam.

The foam wall stretched for 30 miles out into the Pacific in a phenomenon not seen at the beach for more than three decades.”

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Wow… that seems like so much fun! I would love to jump into huge amounts of foam! Actually, as far back as I can remember, I’ve always dreamt that my house was ceiling full of water and you’d have to swim to get from room to room. *sigh* Childhood dreams.

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I saw these pictures and I just had to put them up! Enjoy!

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Mom!! Why isn’t the soap foaming up?!

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I love how the faucet handles are balls! loool!

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A holy bathroom to remove the sin from

all the devil’s work you just saw

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Now for random non-themed pictures:

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And a comic in memory of Sept. 11….

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Alright thats enough for today! See you all tomorrow. Maybe. I mean its Ramadan. And nobody works in Ramadan. So why should I? Ta ta!

 

PS: None of you reminded me to post about aliens and judgement day! What use are you?! Next time, I’m taking you out into the garden with my shotgun and I’m…. Nooo! Old Yeller!!!!!!!!!!

PSS: I was in a rush today that’s why todays post is extra random.

 

PSSS: All penis pictures are dedicated to Tooomz. It’s payback time baby!

The Truth About Scooby Doo

September 11, 2007

You know, as kids you watch cartoons, not really knowing what’s going on (because you’re so innocent). I know more about the cartoons I used to watch now that I’m grown up, you know, like the fact that He-Man was gay. Alot of people never really think about it, but I do. So I thought I’d enlighten you with a short explanation of Scooby Doo:

Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show was really all about. As I’ve gotten older, it has become more clear to me what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine.

What We Remember:
Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort–and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.

The Truth:
Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychodelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve a mystery.

It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence…

Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current ‘grunge’ scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a ‘burner’, i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.

And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his ‘high’ from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.

The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world–they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however..

Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go ‘solve the case’ by themselves. It’s no real mystery what these two are really doing–they’re getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.

And what about Velma? Everyone’s least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality. Where do you thing Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.

So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slangin’ dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and fucking their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect ‘hit’.”

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All you consumers out there probably know how retarded customer service is. And all of you that actually deal with customers and clients know how retarded they can be. The story below scores one idiocy point for the customer service team:

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and The Bank billed her for February March for their annual service charges on her credit card, added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance of $0, is now somewhere around $60. A Family Member placed a call to The Bank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: “I am calling to tell you she died in January.”
The Bank: “The account was never closed, and the late fees charges still apply.”
Family Member: “Maybe you should turn it over to collections.”
The Bank: “Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
The Bank: “Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau. Maybe both !”
Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?” (I really liked this part !!!!)
The Bank: “Excuse me?”
Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you? The part about her being dead?”
The Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” !

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you she died in January.”
The Bank: “The account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply.” (This must be a phrase taught by The Bank!)
Family Member: “Do you mean you want to collect from her estate?”
The Bank: (stammering) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member: “No, I’m her great-nephew.”
The Bank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
Family Member: “Sure.” (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
The Bank: “Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”
Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great ! If not, you could just keep billing her. I really don’t think she will care.”
The Bank: “Well, the late fees charges do still apply.”
(What is wrong with these people??!!)
Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”
The Bank: “Yes, that will help.”
Family Member: ” Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
The Bank: “Sir, that is a cemetery!”
Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!

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Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Don’t make promises you have no intention of keeping.

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Xin Liangkun, 53, of Dalian city, created an unique five layered ball in 10 years. He created the ball such that each of the five balls can turn inside without touching the others. In a television documentary he claimed that no one could reproduce the ball.

“This ball was my first piece, and only I understand how it was made,” he told a television documentary. “If anyone can reproduce it, I’l give him my three-storey building, and the collections within it.”

But young porcelain amateur from Luoyang city, Sun Zheng, created the exact same thing in six month.

Promise is promise but it was not easy for Xin to hand over his home and his prized porcelain collecion. He tried to prove that the replica wasn’t similar to the one he created but unsucessfully.

A court ruled that Xin’s TV pledge has the same validity as a signed contract, and must be fulfilled.

If Xin does not appeal within 15 days he will lose his £100,000 three-story home and his prized porcelain collection.

_______________________

I think that’s enough writing fortoday. I don’t want to overload your sensitive brains. Soooooo… it’s comic and picture time!!!!!!!!!!

Well, actually, just a couple of more words… to introduce the first comic: I hate people that constantly type in shitty IRC language. It’s okay to use ‘u’ instead of ‘you’ but don’t overdo that shit. Its really sad when people lose their ability to communicate properly like a human being, and yet they don’t realize that they’re slowly reducing themselves to animal level. Why don’t you just grunt instead of talk? That’s what ultimately what you’re going to do, you apes. You developed proper language skills for a reason retards.

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This last one reminds me to remind you to remind me to

post about aliens and ‘judgment day’

(It’s a GIF so wait for it….)

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NOTE: Has anybody heard of Balls of Fury and does anybody know if a pirated copy is out?

 

 

 

Bands Made of Rubber

September 9, 2007

I feel like I should be sitting in a dark smoky room with sultry jazz playing in the background with large glass of whiskey in my hand. That’s the only environment that I feel would be appropriate for me at this time. I need to be somewhere dark and broody, because that’s how I feel. I wonder how long this depression is going to last. I hope not too long. Not just for my sake but for yours too: I’m pissy when I’m sad, so nobody bother me (you have been forewarned).

_____________

My latest project at work: I made a little picture replica of one of my coworkers, I drew her face and stuck rubberbands on the head as hair. I know, I know, you are amazed by my creativity. Art is one of the other gifts that God has bestowed upon me.

Okay, fine, so I may not be an artist but God gave me some kinda guts. Sitting in a glass office surrounded by glue, rubberbands, scissors, colored pens, poster paper trying to finish a kindergartenish project takes guts. There is no way I could have raqa3ed the situation if my boss walked in. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have even tried to. I would’ve just looked up at him and gone back to intensely gluing the rubberbands on the poster paper, my tongue sticking out in concentration.

Anyway, I finished my project without disturbance and then stuck it on my coworker’s wall. I think she likes it.

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Anyway, I gotta go it’s already 2:45pm. Time just flies when you’re creating art (try it- go to your company’s supply closet and make something – and then email me the pictures and I’ll post your awesome creation).

Pigs tattooed with LV logo

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Snoop Dog is the Shizzle-Bizzizzzzlzzle

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I wonder who actually took the contact info…

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You know, when I tell somebody a problem or complain about something I don’t want want to be criticized. I want to be comforted, I want you to curse the source of my problem. I don’t want you to zif me. You’re not helping me whatsoever, you’re just stressing me out.

Let me explain to you more clearly what I’m talking about:

I hate my job, you know that. Most of the work I get, when I get it, is super retarded. TIMMY! For example, today, all I’ve been doing is changing the color schemes and formats on power point presentations. What the fuck? I didn’t get a degree from a top 20 business school to do shit I learnt to do in middle school computer class. I hate it! God-fucking-damnit!

I know that I shouldn’t be here. The only reason I am here is because I have nothing better to do. Atleast that was before. Now, I want to start studying for the GRE and filling out applications…etc. So now, I want to quit. Now, this is all nothing really new. What annoys me about it are my parents. What do my parents have to do with it? They are soooo unhelpful. Okay, I never expected them to be helpful, but atleast don’t put me down.

So my mother calls me today, at work…

Prophet (P): I hate my job, I hate it. I want to quit. Seriously. I want to quit today.

Mumsy (M): Don’t be in such a rush! Why are you in such a rush?

P: I have to study and apply for graduate programs. The application is due October 1st.

M: So? Study at work.

(Now this is theoretically a good idea, except there is no way I can study in this atmosphere and they do give me work to do – really retarded work-but it’s still time consuming.)

P: I can’t, I do things around here, stupid shit, but I do things nonetheless.

M: Tell them you’re not going to do that shit anymore!

P: What? I can’t just say I’m not going to do the work they assign me anymore and sit on my ass. The way you say “I’m not going to do this shit anymore” is quit!

M: No, its your fault for doing the stuff they give you. You should’ve told them the minute they give you that shit to do that you wouldn’t do it!

(The above statement is probably slightly true, but what the fuck ma? you’re supposed to make me feel better not make me feel like crap. and besides you’re supposed to do what your boss tells you, right? I mean he didn’t ask me to scrub the toilets, he asked me to do the only shit they have to do around here: which is pretend to work by changing the colors on things)

P: I’m not the only one that does this shit. This what people do here!!!!

M: *blah blah blah*

P: Ma, you’re not getting my point… *blah blah blah*

P: God damnit! Fine ma! Fine! I’ll talk to you when I get home. Bye.

*tear my hair out of my head*

Everytime I talk to my mom about anything she drives me insane!!!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCK!

I’m so pissed. And I know why: because I have to keep quite and be respectful and keep it all in (I can’t just shut the phone). One day, I swear to God, I’m going to kill somebody because I’m so frustrated. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I really want to scream but I’m still at work: GOD DAMNIT!

There are shooting pains in my head and my arms; I think I might be having a heart attack.

Okay… fine, I’m not. But one day I will. I don’t need all this stress.

All this stress and you want me to quit smoking?

_____________________

Anyway, not everything in life is bad. I know one thing that good. Rainbows? No! Tampons? No!……. the new iPods!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!

 

iPod Hero: Touch me baby… yeah..like that…

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iPhone (left) iPod (right)

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iPod Classic: Much slimmer and holds up to 160 GB!

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Renovated iPod Nanooooooooo

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A couple of other kick-ass stuff:

Spaceport America (as in “interplanetary travel”)

OPENING 2010!

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Batwing Fan

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Simpson’s House (it’s real)

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Spy Sunglasses – I want!

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Quote of the Day:

“Tooomz is the one that makes the boys cry.” – Chirp

 

 

Updates

September 5, 2007

Three posts in one day – you lucky bastards!

I just wanted to update you on somethings. First of all, apparently qamar al- deen is made of apricots, so oops. And another thing is I’m going to change my ringtone to the theme from Dexter, it’s something to help you all identify me. So if you hear the theme from Dexter playing do the following and I will respond with the code word of “Wan-wan-Nyao-nyao-Piyo-Piyo” and that way you would know that you have met the divine Prophet of Random!

So anyway this is what you do: Come up to me and say “Hey baby, you smell kinda nice, wanna smell me?” and then snort really really loud. Then I’ll follow with the code word.

If I don’t respond with the code: you came up to the wrong person. And you’re probably going to get slapped or kicked in the balls. Good luck with that.

And lastly, I searched horny horoscopes on Google. This is the closest thing I came up with:

LEO (that’s me!)

Dominant in relationships. Horny. Freak in bed.
Always want the last word. Quiet. Caring. Smart.

CANCER
Very sexy. Talkative.
Energetic. Sarcastic.Flirt. Outstanding kisser

PISCES
Caring. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy,
DAMN IT.
Very high sex appeal. Freak in bed. Kind. Humble.
Trustworthy. Has the last word.

LIBRA
Very gentle. Nice. Love is one of a kind.
Have own unique sexiness.
Great in Bed. Good kisser !!!

CAPRICORN
Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future.
Irrestible, awesome kisser. Great talker.
Always gets what he or she wants.

AQUARIUS
Trustworthy. Sexy. Rare to find. Loves being
in long relationships. Extremly energetic.
Amazing in bed, the BEST lovers.

ARIES
Outgoing. Spontanious. No one to f*ck with.
Have own unique sexiness. Unpredictable. Erotic.
Funny. Addictive. Take you on trips to the moon in
bed.

TAURUS
Aggressive. freak in bed. rare to find. loves
being in long relationships. Likes to give a good
fight for what they want.
Extremly outgoing. Outstanding kisser.

GEMINI
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners
Very Good in bed. Lover not a Fighter But
Still Punch Your Lights Out .Trustworthy

VIRGO
Great talker. Sexy. Always Horny.
Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Great kisser.

SCORPIO
Predict future. Most erotic.
Very high sex appeal. Great in bed.

SAGITARIUS
Spontanious. Horny. Sexy. Funny. High sex
appeal.
good in bed. Rare to find. Energetic. Good when
found. Great kisser. Loves being in long
relationships

Forbidden Love

September 5, 2007

Since I’ve been posting about my cat I might as well let you know what’s going on in his life. As some of you may know, Chirp has a female cat. And she wants my Fahood to sire her kittens. I just want him to screw her cat and enjoy himself (I’m sorry Chirp, but my cat has commitment issues, but they’ll always stay friends).

I’ve been debating with myself whether I should let him romp around but then cruelly take that pleasure away from him (his balls are going to be removed). After much debate, I decided I’d let him meet Chirp’s cat and see what happens (honestly what I wanted to happen was for him to mount her and I’d videotape the whole thing and call it…. ummm… fuck fest ’07- and then I could sell the tape as porn and make some money off of it). I think people in Kuwait with buy it right? I mean the retarded sexually-frustrated guys in Kuwait would buy anything labeled “fuck fest” right? And even if they find out it’s cat porn (I wonder if such a thing exists), once I explain some things to them I’m sure they’d buy it. Here are some things you should know about cat husbandry (mating and breeding) that will definitely tempt you to buy my cat porn:

1. Male tomcats have barbed penises. What is a barbed penis? Watch my cat porn to find out!

(The barbed penis helps stimulate ovulation FYI)

2. When the deed is done and the tomcat withdraws, the female lets out a really loud cry. Is it a cry of pain (from the barbed penis perhaps?) or a cry of pleasure? Watch my cat porn and judge for yourself!

3. Copulation (the process of fucking-for all you laymen) occurs many times when the female is in heat. Therefore the video is going to be long: more bang for your buck!

4. Females will mate with multiple partners if given the chance. If impregnated, the kittens she has, even though they are in the same litter, may be from different fathers. If Chirps cat mates with other cats, I will add a special feature to my cat porn:

” After the fact: Who my baby daddy?” Featuring Maury Povich. In this segment all the kittens will undergo DNA testing to find out who is the father.

When one of the kittens is proven to be from another father my cat is going to go “I told you bitch! I told you! Whateva! Whateva! Huh!” *does the moonwalk*. Well, actually, he’d probably just go “Meow” and then lick his crotch area.

So after hearing all that, you’d be tempted, atleast a little, to buy my cat porn, right?

Anyway, all my dreams were shattered when my father forbade the meeting of my and Chirp’s cat. I think it was because it would be cruel to give Fahood that kind of pleasure and then have it taken away, but he wouldn’t really discuss it. My mom said “Eeeee! I7na ma 3indina sbayyan yit3arafon 3ala banat oo hal kharabeet! lol”.

And so the love between the two cats has been forbidden.

In retrospect, as much as I would enjoy marketing cat porn, my parents are right. It would be cruel to take away such a pleasure from any creature once it’s known to him. Forgetting the cat porn, the real reason I wanted my cat to “do it” was because my brother would constantly tease my cat with “You’re gonna die a virgin! Nananana!”, which I know my cat doesn’t understand, but I do, and I know I wouldn’t want to die a virgin. So what do you all think? Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Wow, its amazing how I can turn things like cat porn into something so deep. I’m so awesome *hug myself*.

A cat doing a ferret – I think its considered rape

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Here are a couple of random pictures for all of you:

iPod-Compatible Pants

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Hmmmm…?

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From the Internet

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Lumpfish

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Trying to put the old pics up again:

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My pussy

September 5, 2007

Below are the photos i promised of my cat:

The first two pictures are before he gets shaved:

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Next him being drugged and shaved (even though his eyes are open he’s unconscious) :

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Loading the pictures takes forever, so you’ll have to wait for another time to see my pussy when it’s shaved. I know, you just can’t wait, but you have to!

 Isn’t he cute?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Que?

September 4, 2007

Anyway, as you can tell from my previous post I’m not having the best week. But that doesn’t mean that you should get depressed and have a crappy week. So I just thought I’d be a little positive and tell you about some things I saw today that made me say “Que?”

First of all, KDD is putting up new ads for ramadan. One of these is for “qamar al-deen” drink which I always thought was tamarind, right? Then why the hell do they have a picture of the apricot drink on there? KDD won’t fool me!

Second of all, a bus passed by me today and there was a large ad stuck on it for “fawazeer 7alima”. As in 7alima Boland. She was dressed in a raggedy-ann outfit. I really don’t understand 7alima. Nor do I want to (I think that the RSPCA should just put that bitch down). But I do want to understand why she is so popular. Now, I’ve seen her on TV a couple of times, I enjoy tamaskharing on her (on how she dresses and the way she behaves). My question is: Is she popular because everybody makes fun of her or is it because she is considered fashionably cool and, dare I say it, kuwaiti girls want to emulate her? I would very much appreciate your input on this.

Third of all, I was walking to work when I could have sworn I saw Nicolas Cage. Well, kinda, I saw a hindi Nicolas Cage. Close enough, in my opinion.

So tell me, what has recently made you say “Que?!”

I also say “Donde estan mis pantalones?” alot, but that’s a completely different story.

Also, I have to make some small political commentary (obviously not concerning kuwaiti politics-because we all know what happens if I do that). So I’m going to address all you people that can vote in next year’s US presidential elections. Everbody knows what you have to do on Novemeber 4th of 2008: You gotsta….

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Oh yeah, another thing that makes me say “que?” is this pop-up that keeps appearing on my computer. I don’t understand it. Why is there a whore in the background? If I want horoscopes I’m not going to click a pop-up with some prostitute on it. And if I want porn I’m not going to go to a horoscope website. I don’t understand the market they’re trying to reach with this pop-up. Let’s think about it….. hmmmm….. Horny Horoscopes. I think that that could actually have a following. I’d read it for a good laugh. Something like:

“Make sure to trim the bush, somebody is going to go down on you today.”

I should really start charging for all these awesome business ideas I give to y’all. I knew my business degree wasn’t useless!

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Oh yeah, did you notice the “click here” on her ass? You gotta love that.

 

 

Quote of the Day:

“Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.”

 

 

 

Yeah, yeah, I know, I didn’t post yesterday. I have other things to do you know, I’m not your slave. You can’t just turn me on and off like a light switch you know. God, I’m so under-appreciated.

Anyway, I finished the first season of Dexter yesterday. Quite a good series I must say. Its twisted but I really relate to it. Not that I’m a serial killer, yet, but I understand how it feels to be alone and feel nobody really understands you. There is nobody who really knows me, all of me. There are many people who know different parts of who I am but there is nobody on this earth that knows all of me. And that makes me really sad sometimes.

I just want to be happy, but for some reason I can’t. I can have negative emotions, like anger, sadness and hate, but the positive ones are hard for me. And I can laugh (I laugh alot) and I can feel happiness sometimes be I don’t know if I can BE happy. I don’t know how I feel anymore. The best I can describe it is that I constantly search for temporary highs to make me think that I’m happy. But I’m just deceiving myself. You know that song “there’s gotta be more (to life)”? That’s how I feel.

Anyway, I have no idea why I’m telling you all this (especially since some of you out there know who I am). I don’t want sympathy, I guess I just want somebody out there to say they understand (and actually mean it).

Let’s see, as long as I’m on a roll here I might as well admit to you some more evil things about me.

I enjoy the sight of blood. It turns me on, and I don’t mean sexually, thank you very much. I mean that it excites me. I find blood (only if its running) fascinating and a little bit enchanting. Everytime I’d say that to somebody, even tough macho guys, they freak out a little, like they think I’m going to stab them to see their blood. It’s not like that, just think of it as you think of somebody who likes chocolate. They probably wouldn’t stab somebody with some Cadbury in their pocket. They’d probably just watch longingly as the person eats it, right?

Another thing about me is that I cherish my sleep. It’s beyond sacred to me. I prefer sleeping over being awake. So HUGE WARNING to everybody who knows me: DO NOT BOTHER ME WHEN I’M SLEEPY, SLEEPING OR GOING TO SLEEP.

Now, let me clarify a couple of things. I’m no morbid goth (I like pokemon). And just because I enjoy the sight of blood does not mean I would ever cut myself (I swear those are cat scrathes on my hands and arms! Muhahahaha!). And contrary to popular belief, just because I prefer sleeping to being awake, it does not mean want to be dead. I just want to be asleep, there’s a huge difference.

Anyway, I guess this should be considered my “personal” post, which for most other girls would be considered one about not being able to lose weight and get married or something retarded like that. Don’t you feel closer to me now that you know something a little different about me?

I also like teddy bears and long walks on the beach. Call me!

PS: None of you told me whether you want “drug week” or not. Gosh! You guys suck! Fine, no drugs for you!

Shows and Zubbles

September 2, 2007

I’ve recently concluded that I have become ADD and not just to get my hands on some kiddy cocaine (adderall). I cannot concentrate on anything. Everything I’m around is a mess (I can’t stay on any task long enough do things fully, like clean up). Another thing is I have a hard time reading now. Before, I used to read like a…. a…. bird… um no… wait…. what reads alot? Ummmm…. a scanner! I used to read like a HP digital scanner, but now I can’t read for Scandinavian rat shit. I hate it, its really pissing me off, I really need to get it fixed.

Anyway, the one thing that I can concentrate on for a somewhat prolonged period of time is television (and even that not as much as I used to). The point off this whole rant is to tell you that there are some pretty interesting TV shows out there:

  • Dexter – This show is majorly fucked up, I loooooooove it!
  • MXC (Most Extreme Elimination Challenge) – I guarantee that you will laugh your nuts off.
  • House M.D. – Perfection
  • Weeds – Mary-Kate Olsen is supposed to be joining the cast, I wonder how that’s going to be. She’s probably going to play a coked out vampire chick.
  • Heroes – The girl from Veronica Mars is going to be joining the cast.
  • The Hills – I’m ashamed to admit this, but The Hills has grown on me. I’m addicted to the stupidity and drama. You might ask what has the cast of The Hills been up to lately (this is specifically for Chirp- from thesuperficial)

LC

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LC with a gorgeous bodied male *humana humana*

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“Lauren Conrad is very famous:

 

Lauren Conrad and some other people from The Hills were spotted frolicking on the beach. Which is news, because, you know, one time Lauren totally kissed Jason and then Heidi was all, “I can’t believe she did that” but she did, and then she ordered a latte and got a tan. So see? Famous. Man, how does she handle the pressures of being her? She’s like a monolith.”

 

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In more entertainment news, the cast of heroes is in Paris. The only reason I care is because it means more pictures of Milo (damn that boy be fine!). Hayden Panty-whatever is cute too (you know she’s probably going to be in rehab by next year). Milo is kinda zoned out in this picture but whatever I’d do him anyway.

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You might be wondering at this point “What the hell are zubbles?”. They are only the coolest thing ever invented since the nipple clamp. They’re colored bubbles!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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Another not so cool invention is the crayon-scented cologne. Why you want to smell like crayons? Let’s think about this for a minute…. hmmmmm… I guess pedophiles could use it to attract kindergarteners. You know little stupid kids like Ralph from The Simpsons would go “*sniff sniff* That man smells like Red No.5. I love Crayola Red No. 5! It tastes yummy!”. What do you think? Why the hell would someone want to smell like crayons?

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As my good friends know, I’m a big fan of drugs. Prescription, herbal, legal, illegal, be it what it may. I’m alot better than I used to be in college (I was completely fucked most of the time). Now, don’t get the wrong idea about me, I’m no coke head. I used to be really sick, and American doctors love giving out meds. I was on 13 different types of meds at one point. And I was beyond gone. It was really fun at times, other times not so fun (stories of bad med trips are for another day). Anyway, I’ve quit taking meds and I’m trying to purify myself. But I still have to admit that I find drugs very interesting. So I just wanted to ask all of y’all opinion on whether you want this week to be drug week (just like C&H is doing). Whatcha think? Want drugs? Comments people, comments!

First Drug Comic of the Week

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More Comics

Dirty Dirty Harry

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Bad Choice of Words

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Quote of the Day:

“Whatever, I’d do him anyway.” – Prophet of Random

That’s all for today kiddos!

 

PS: I just got called to do a voice-over for some company. You know “Please enter the extension number now or zero for operator assistance”. They saw me and said they needed a female voice so I said yes. They said other girls wouldn’t do it. Why the hell not? You’re not giving them your virginity just your voice and you don’t have to make sexual moan either. What the hell is wrong with the girls here. Stupid hos (no seriously, alot of the girls that work here are hos). Anyway, I recorded, I’m not sure if they’ll use it (my allergy-ridden nose makes my voice nasal). I’ll let you know if they use it so that you may all revel and be delighted in hearing your divine Prophet’s voice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mozart and Children

August 30, 2007

I’m sitting here, at work, listening to some Mozart trying to calm down and relax. I’ve been stressing over continuing my “higher studies” (not as in smoking a joint, but rather the real deal). I’ve been stressing over if I’ll even be able to go, who’s going to pay for it….etc. Anyway, as I sit here, with Mozart’s Menuetto Moderato Trio plays soothingly in my ears, I’m reading about things that could stress me out so much more, namely children. Children are like ferocious, comic little people on drugs. They’ll pretty much drive you insane if you don’t know the proper way to wrangle them up. Like this woman who sells the stuff her kids buy (without her permission) on EBay. Poor woman…. What’s worse is this guy (what a freaking retard).

100 kids? Is he crazy? I mean, I understand, back in the day, if you were royalty you’d want to have alot of kids just in case your enemies invaded and wanted to kill the entire royal family and take over the nation. But these days…. come on! I mean there are some bloody annoying Emarati people that I want to kill out there but I doubt that anybody is going to try to slaughter this guy and his family (except I might now, because he’s seriously contributing to overpopulation and overcrowding in the world).

I wonder how he decides what he’s going to name them. Letters won’t work, there aren’t enough in the alphabet. I guess you could number them. # 1, #2 (the first two would probably get made fun of alot, you know, number two…. hehehe).

I would name my kids after different products and get my kids sponsored for life. You know, call them things like Aquafresh, Kotex, and Trojan(man) – I obviously won’t be needing Tojans though if I have 100 kids. Let’s see what else is important to have around the house, oh, Pringles, iTunes, Showtime, Orbit, Playstation… and the list goes on.

I guess I would have 100 kids if I could benefit off of each one… I have to start right now though if I want to have enough to sustain me through the rest of my life.

Kids make great slaves too. So obedient, if you hit them enough.

Just because you’re somebody’s kid doesn’t mean they like you, you know. Take a look at what Leona Helmsley did. She left $12 million to her dog instead of her descendants. Damn, that one rich motherfucking dog! Woof!

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Look at one of the stupidest toys ever made:

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A Spin-The-Bottle bottle for $35? Who would buy that? Obviously, no parent is going to buy it for their kid (unless your house is a brothel and your mother is raising hookers). And why would a kid spend $35 on something that could be substituted for a $1 coke bottle? In the states if a kid had $35 and wanted to get some action, he’d just give it to the local whore and get her to go down on him. Obviously the creators of this toy didn’t think it through very well. For shame!

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Do you know what time it is? That right, its picture time!!!!!!!!!

Kick-ass new NASA rocket

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Forget it

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Coming to Life

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Inflatable Pub (I soooo want one- I NEED it!)

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This makes me laugh- so evil!

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Have a great long weekend kids! See you next week! Just in case I die this weekend I want you to know one thing- the quote of the day:

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.”

 

 

 

 

Tits!

August 29, 2007

Well start off today with some entertainment news:

Everybody’s favorite rude middle-schools are set to be with us until 2011. That’s right! South Park’s Comedy Central Contract has been renewed for a cool $75 Mil.

As Cartman would say “Tits!!!!”

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In more entertainment news, French and Saunders (from Absolutely Fabulous) have a new series called A Bucket of French and Saunders. All you Ab Fab fans should probably check it out.

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I don’t have time to post anything today: I’m researching grad schools (my ticket outta here!). Tralala!

 

*I know that some of you clicked on the Tits link thinking you’d land on some porn. Haha! Fooled you!

 

Orange Mocha Frappucino

August 28, 2007

I don’t really feel like posting today. I don’t feel like being at work either (but I am- although I showed up 3 hours late :) ). What I really want to be doing right now is sitting by a pristine pool, soaking up the sun’s rays, with an orange mocha frapuccino in my hand. It would be nice if there was a little Captain Morgan in the frappucino.
For all of you “hard at work” right now: close your eyes and imagine, just for a minute, that you’re tanning by a beautiful pool with a lil something-something in your drink. Close your eyes, I mean it! …….. now start imagining……………..

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Now, wasn’t that nice?

*deep sigh* You know, there are so many better places you could be on earth than where you are. Do you know that? Now, now, I know that there are some of you over-patriotic, optimistic, enthusiastic, spastic, plastic, magic, lick, stick, anything-ic people who are saying “What?! No way! Kuwait is the bestest best bestest place ever! Gimme a K! Kay! Gimme a U! Yu! Gimme a W -”

Shut the fuck up and spare us your unrealistic fake patriotism. I have decided to become a citizen of Huvafen Fushi. Now, I don’t know if they can give me citizenship seeing as Huvafen Fushi is a resort. But I don’t care. I’m determined to become a citizen there. It’ll be so awesome: I’d get to say “Hi, I’m Prophet and I’m Huvafen Fushian. Where are you from?”

Why a Huvafen Fushi citizen? Because its a bloody amazing place! Thats why! It’s in the Maldives. Take a look:

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Under-Water Spa

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Go through the website and then tell me you’d rather be sitting in Nino or some shit like that.

Viva Huvafen Fushi!

Anyway, since I came in late, I don’t really have time to post anything really. So I’ll part with a couple of comics. The first is an interviewing tip to help all of you out there that are looking to get employed.

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Oh yeah, I just remembered: I want to thank N. for the link yesterday (Perez Hilton actually posted about it too). Check it out:

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2007/08/26/4448856-ap.html

This is it:

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Slap Slap

August 27, 2007

You know I woke up yesterday feeling like crap. I woke up just completely pissed (not the in the British sense). I wanted to just punch somebody, and I didn’t want to deal with retards (inevitable as it is). Maybe its “that time of the month” or something but I just felt really frustrated and angry and then it came….. I don’t mean my “mensus”, I mean THE SONG. The song that just completely described how I felt and made me feel alot better.

Listen to “Slap” by Ludacris

The first two verses apply to me. The rest… well… they might apply to me when I become somebody’s baby mama in the ghetto.

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Okay kids, now, line up, shut the fuck up and listen up because its LESSON TIME!!

Today’s lesson is in how not to be a retard. TIMMY! Below are somethings that some real retards have done that landed them in an ER. You are to learn from the stupidity of these idiots and you are not to do the same thing. OK? OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man’s house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man’s poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man’s jewels from the dog’s mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling “Puta! Puta! Puta!” At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby’s father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was “Puja!” (Push!) Instead he was saying “Whore! Whore! Whore!”

A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled “Come on back this afternoon. We’re having a Butt-luck supper”. (How embarrassing is that!)

An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: “It was a fifty, bitch!”

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: “I got the green vines in my virginny” (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she “put a potato in there to hold it up” and then forgot about it.

The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female’s room.

Doctor: “The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you’re not sexually active?”

Patient: “Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there.”

Doctor: “I see. Well, do you know who the father is?”

Patient: “No. Who?”

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from “crank” (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, “I’ve been screwing the dog?”

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn’t able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and “gagged” myself to vomit but couldn’t vomit it up either.”

Lesson for the day: Don’t be a retard!

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During my research to find all things random I come upon some pretty interesting sites. I have to tell you, one of the strangest blogs that I’ve come upon has to be The Superfluous Nipple. And you guessed it, its “a shrine to the third nipple”.

Wow, a blog dedicated to third nipples? You see some really messed up shit on there. Like this:

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Thats right! A nipple on somebody’s foot. Gross.

I wonder if he/she get turned on when they walk. I also wonder if this guy went to a spa, would it be inappropriate for him to get a foot massage? Oooo! Oooo! If I was back in middle school and this guy was walking down the hall I know exactly what I’d say: “Hey, look everybody! It’s TitFoot!”

Hahahahahaaaa!!!!!!! I’m soooo mean.

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It’s picture time! *dum dum dum dum dum* Do you hear the techno rave music? I do! Take it away Arnold!

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Today’s pictures are a selection of cell phones you can’t buy, nuts for you!:

Pantech’s Flexus Mobile Phone

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NEC’s “Tag” Phone

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Nokia Aeon

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Synaptics Onyx Mobile

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Motorola PVOT Phone

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Dual-Screen Cell Phone

Alloy Total Product Design’s “The Polygon” boasts two displays: a standard high-resolution display for viewing data and a touchscreen for accessing menus, etc.

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Fuzzy the Bunny

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I just put the bunny there because he’s so squishably cute *squish*

Quote of the Day:

Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chocolate Milk and iPods

August 26, 2007

I have to say, I complain about my job alot, but the fact is there is one huge positive to working here: I get to do alot of shit and I get away with it.

Let me give you a more specific example:
My boss walks into my office to tell me that the HR manager was just in to see him. And my boss was telling him how impressed he was with me and how hardworking I am (teehheeee). And how I need to work twice as hard as everybody here because US KUWAITIS ARE THE FUTURE.

The whole “work hard, you are the future” is my boss’ usual rant. Okay. So what’s the big deal? The big deal is what I was doing when he walked in to tell me what I good worker I was.

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I was sipping on my 123 KDD mini milk chocolate while listening to Get Crunk by Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys and I was getting really into it. I was so into it that I started dancing (kinda). Let’s just say that my dance was a modified version of the dance below:

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I’m completely serious! You couldn’t make this shit up. I was sipping on my chocolate milk with my iPod on full blast, and shaking my shoulders when my boss walks in.
I was going to burst into laughter, but I just paused my iPod and put down my milk (stopped dancing too) and smiled at my boss. And my boss said nothing of it… he just told me what I already know: I’m awesome- and a kick-ass worker.

Loool…. man, I’m going to miss this place (kinda- well, not really).

Anyway, enough about me and my crazy adventures at work. It’s time to help all of you enjoy your mundane jobs. The best way to entertain yourself at work is with Faceball- a revolutionary new game!

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Basically, you just throw balls at each others faces- it’s genius! Its especially fun if you play it with a co-worker that doesn’t know you’re playing! What fun!

For the official rules of Faceball and a score sheet click here.

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As you should all know by now, I enjoy things that are strange and disturbing. Which is why you shouldn’t piss me off because you know I’m not going to be a girly-girl and just go home and cry. I might cry for 5 minutes but while I’m sobbing I’m going to do something really fucked up to you.
For example, if my boyfriend cheated on me I wouldn’t just get upset, I’d get even. I’d sooo do what the woman below did.

Woman sets ex’s penis on fire

A Russian man is recovering after his ex-wife set fire to his penis.

The woman is reported to have lost her her temper as he sat watching TV – naked and sipping vodka.

It is not clear if the man will make a full recovery, reports Sky News.

“It was monstrously painful,” the injured man told reporters. “I was burning like a torch. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

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Ouch!!! That can’t be pleasant. Oh well, as they say: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”.

The penis-flambe story teaches us two very good lessons:

Lesson One: Ladies, there’s always a way to get even, so stop crying.

Lesson Two: Guys, you think it’s cool and pimp to fuck around with a lot of different girls, eh? Well, one day one of them is going to turn out to be insane and she’s going to set you’re dick on fire. In conclusion: Keep your dick in your pants, and it’ll be out of harm’s way.

What? What is that you guys are saying? I can’t hear you. TURN MY HEADPHONES UP! Uuhhhh!

Oh, oh, you want pictures? Okay. But you have to look at one nasty one first, okay?

OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

 

Disfigured Hand

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How to Prepare a Kiwi

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Go little piggy!

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Hot Dog Cake

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Jesus Goes for the Gold!!

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Concentration Camp

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