September 24, 2007
Hello there children! Yeah, I know I didn’t post yesterday, you don’t have to tell me that. I was sick and I skipped work- shit! That reminds me I have to go fill out a a crappy form and give it to HR. Merde!
Anyway, I haven’t had time to gather up crap for this post. So we’ll stick with some pictures for now:
I would give him the bonus
Lol – its true. Aham Shay- Level 1 Human
I use this all the time- otherwise I’d have
to beat the guys off with a stick- and that’s just mean.
Sometimes it is the answer
Seeing as you haven’t any interest in drug week I’ll just put these comics up now:
And now for what is quickly becoming a popular segment — MINI-RETARDED-VIDEO time!
I know this is random- well actually that’s what I’m known for- but the girl on the left totally reminds me of Chirp. Keep on rockin’ Chirp! You really are great!
Quote of the Day:
“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”
September 20, 2007
I’m bored with all of this. I’m bored with everything. And its getting harder and harder for me to fake interest and enthusiasm. I have a hard time looking into people’s eyes these day (I’m not sure why suddenly) I think its because my eyes can’t lie. I’ve no interest in what most people are telling me. I’ve no interest in even answering questions about myself, about my day or whatever… I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of the feigning.
Something needs to change. I don’t know what, but somethings got to happen. I’m thinking a self-imposed exile, but the time has to be right. And it’s not right yet. I don’t know what I’m going to do in the meanwhile… any suggestions? Something time consuming but stimulating at the same time.
First off, a Darwin Award:
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal imbedded in the side of a cliff rising above the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what had happened. It seems that a guy had some JATO bottles ( Jet Assisted Take Off ), actually a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes extra “push” for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala into the desert and found a long straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, built up some speed, and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best could be defined are that:
- The operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was determined by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
- The JATO would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the chevy to reach speeds of 350 MPH ( 560 KMPH ). JATO thrust would have continued for 20-25 seconds, insuring maintenance of that speed for that time.
- The driver, soon pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dig-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the vent. The automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles ( 15-20 seconds ) before the driver applied and completely melted brakes, blowing tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, to no avail, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles before impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock face.
- Few of the drivers remains were recovered. Small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and a fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Damn! Seriously, just imagine the sight of the crash. Damn.
Sanju Bhagat’s stomach was once so swollen he looked nine months pregnant and could barely breathe. iving in the city of Nagpur, India, Bhagat said he’d felt self-conscious his whole life about his big belly. But one night in June 1999, his problem erupted into something much larger than cosmetic worry. Mehta said that he can usually spot a tumor just after he begins an operation. But while operating on Bhagat, Mehta saw something he had never encountered. As he cut deeper into Bhagat’s stomach, gallons of fluid spilled out — and then something extraordinary happened. “First, one limb came out, then another limb came out. Then some part of genitalia, then some part of hair, some limbs, jaws, limbs, hair.”
At first glance, it may look as if Bhagat had given birth. Actually, Mehta had removed the mutated body of Bhagat’s twin brother from his stomach. Bhagat, they discovered, had one of the world’s most bizarre medical conditions — fetus in fetu. It is an extremely rare abnormality that occurs when a fetus gets trapped inside its twin. The trapped fetus can survive as a parasite even past birth by forming an umbilical cordlike structure that leaches its twin’s blood supply until it grows so large that it starts to harm the host, at which point doctors usually intervene.
Nasty. Now that really sucks.
Man Hides Sex Toys in the Wurst Way
BERLIN (Reuters) – Staff at a German butcher’s shop were shocked to discover a customer had hidden two sex toys in their sausages for transport to Dubai, police said Wednesday.
“It was two latex dildos with a natural look,” said a spokesman for police in the southwestern city of Mannheim.
After shopping there earlier in the day, the man, who spoke broken English, returned to the butcher’s with two large “Schwartenmagen” sausages. He asked a shop assistant to wrap and cool them until he departed for Dubai the next day.
But the assistant noticed the goods had got heavier and alerted police. Officers discovered the man, who was about 50, had removed some of the meat and packed the dildos inside.
“He could have used a loaf of bread,” the spokesman said. “It’s not against the law here. But obviously I can’t speculate on what customs in Dubai will have to say about it.”
I wonder if you are allowed to bring sex toys into Dubai. Probably not. Because if they allowed it it may shrink the market for the prostitution rings. Then the Russians would get pissed and then they’d make the government very unhappy.
Picture and Comic Time:
What the hell is this section in the newspaper? The crime section?
Who reports a “cat with rectal problems”? lol
Wanna be a rapper?
O is for Old English Sheepdog
In Case of Revolution…
I’m not sure if I put this up before:
Read the warning carefully:
Quote of the Day:
Me: George Washington Carver researched peanuts, its obvious. He’s the one who invented peanut butter.
Chirp: Really? He made Jiff?
Me: I don’t think Jiff. You know the peanut with the monocle, that based on him.
Chirp: You mean Planter’s?
Me: Yeah, Planters!
Chirp: Wow! How do you know all that?
Me: I don’t, I just made all that shit up.
September 6, 2007
You know, when I tell somebody a problem or complain about something I don’t want want to be criticized. I want to be comforted, I want you to curse the source of my problem. I don’t want you to zif me. You’re not helping me whatsoever, you’re just stressing me out.
Let me explain to you more clearly what I’m talking about:
I hate my job, you know that. Most of the work I get, when I get it, is super retarded. TIMMY! For example, today, all I’ve been doing is changing the color schemes and formats on power point presentations. What the fuck? I didn’t get a degree from a top 20 business school to do shit I learnt to do in middle school computer class. I hate it! God-fucking-damnit!
I know that I shouldn’t be here. The only reason I am here is because I have nothing better to do. Atleast that was before. Now, I want to start studying for the GRE and filling out applications…etc. So now, I want to quit. Now, this is all nothing really new. What annoys me about it are my parents. What do my parents have to do with it? They are soooo unhelpful. Okay, I never expected them to be helpful, but atleast don’t put me down.
So my mother calls me today, at work…
Prophet (P): I hate my job, I hate it. I want to quit. Seriously. I want to quit today.
Mumsy (M): Don’t be in such a rush! Why are you in such a rush?
P: I have to study and apply for graduate programs. The application is due October 1st.
M: So? Study at work.
(Now this is theoretically a good idea, except there is no way I can study in this atmosphere and they do give me work to do – really retarded work-but it’s still time consuming.)
P: I can’t, I do things around here, stupid shit, but I do things nonetheless.
M: Tell them you’re not going to do that shit anymore!
P: What? I can’t just say I’m not going to do the work they assign me anymore and sit on my ass. The way you say “I’m not going to do this shit anymore” is quit!
M: No, its your fault for doing the stuff they give you. You should’ve told them the minute they give you that shit to do that you wouldn’t do it!
(The above statement is probably slightly true, but what the fuck ma? you’re supposed to make me feel better not make me feel like crap. and besides you’re supposed to do what your boss tells you, right? I mean he didn’t ask me to scrub the toilets, he asked me to do the only shit they have to do around here: which is pretend to work by changing the colors on things)
P: I’m not the only one that does this shit. This what people do here!!!!
M: *blah blah blah*
P: Ma, you’re not getting my point… *blah blah blah*
P: God damnit! Fine ma! Fine! I’ll talk to you when I get home. Bye.
*tear my hair out of my head*
Everytime I talk to my mom about anything she drives me insane!!!!!
I’m so pissed. And I know why: because I have to keep quite and be respectful and keep it all in (I can’t just shut the phone). One day, I swear to God, I’m going to kill somebody because I’m so frustrated. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I really want to scream but I’m still at work: GOD DAMNIT!
There are shooting pains in my head and my arms; I think I might be having a heart attack.
Okay… fine, I’m not. But one day I will. I don’t need all this stress.
All this stress and you want me to quit smoking?
Anyway, not everything in life is bad. I know one thing that good. Rainbows? No! Tampons? No!……. the new iPods!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!
iPod Hero: Touch me baby… yeah..like that…
iPhone (left) iPod (right)
iPod Classic: Much slimmer and holds up to 160 GB!
Renovated iPod Nanooooooooo
A couple of other kick-ass stuff:
Spaceport America (as in “interplanetary travel”)
Simpson’s House (it’s real)
Spy Sunglasses – I want!
Quote of the Day:
“Tooomz is the one that makes the boys cry.” – Chirp
September 5, 2007
Since I’ve been posting about my cat I might as well let you know what’s going on in his life. As some of you may know, Chirp has a female cat. And she wants my Fahood to sire her kittens. I just want him to screw her cat and enjoy himself (I’m sorry Chirp, but my cat has commitment issues, but they’ll always stay friends).
I’ve been debating with myself whether I should let him romp around but then cruelly take that pleasure away from him (his balls are going to be removed). After much debate, I decided I’d let him meet Chirp’s cat and see what happens (honestly what I wanted to happen was for him to mount her and I’d videotape the whole thing and call it…. ummm… fuck fest ’07- and then I could sell the tape as porn and make some money off of it). I think people in Kuwait with buy it right? I mean the retarded sexually-frustrated guys in Kuwait would buy anything labeled “fuck fest” right? And even if they find out it’s cat porn (I wonder if such a thing exists), once I explain some things to them I’m sure they’d buy it. Here are some things you should know about cat husbandry (mating and breeding) that will definitely tempt you to buy my cat porn:
1. Male tomcats have barbed penises. What is a barbed penis? Watch my cat porn to find out!
(The barbed penis helps stimulate ovulation FYI)
2. When the deed is done and the tomcat withdraws, the female lets out a really loud cry. Is it a cry of pain (from the barbed penis perhaps?) or a cry of pleasure? Watch my cat porn and judge for yourself!
3. Copulation (the process of fucking-for all you laymen) occurs many times when the female is in heat. Therefore the video is going to be long: more bang for your buck!
4. Females will mate with multiple partners if given the chance. If impregnated, the kittens she has, even though they are in the same litter, may be from different fathers. If Chirps cat mates with other cats, I will add a special feature to my cat porn:
” After the fact: Who my baby daddy?” Featuring Maury Povich. In this segment all the kittens will undergo DNA testing to find out who is the father.
When one of the kittens is proven to be from another father my cat is going to go “I told you bitch! I told you! Whateva! Whateva! Huh!” *does the moonwalk*. Well, actually, he’d probably just go “Meow” and then lick his crotch area.
So after hearing all that, you’d be tempted, atleast a little, to buy my cat porn, right?
Anyway, all my dreams were shattered when my father forbade the meeting of my and Chirp’s cat. I think it was because it would be cruel to give Fahood that kind of pleasure and then have it taken away, but he wouldn’t really discuss it. My mom said “Eeeee! I7na ma 3indina sbayyan yit3arafon 3ala banat oo hal kharabeet! lol”.
And so the love between the two cats has been forbidden.
In retrospect, as much as I would enjoy marketing cat porn, my parents are right. It would be cruel to take away such a pleasure from any creature once it’s known to him. Forgetting the cat porn, the real reason I wanted my cat to “do it” was because my brother would constantly tease my cat with “You’re gonna die a virgin! Nananana!”, which I know my cat doesn’t understand, but I do, and I know I wouldn’t want to die a virgin. So what do you all think? Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
Wow, its amazing how I can turn things like cat porn into something so deep. I’m so awesome *hug myself*.
A cat doing a ferret – I think its considered rape
Here are a couple of random pictures for all of you:
From the Internet
Trying to put the old pics up again:
August 16, 2007
Ladies and gentleheathens! Step right up to the new edition of The Chronicles of Random. Today we’re going to start off with the wonderful topic of relegion. Specifically, shi-aights! and sunnis.
Let me give you some background on me first so that you know that I am not genetically or environmentally biased to either side. I am a half-blood. That’s right, i said it: I’m half shiite and half sunni.
Shocked? If you aren’t, good. But most typically Kuwaiti people get a confused look on their face and they look at me like some sort of mutant. It’s really funny.
Now, let me clarify, I am technically shiite (because daddykins is). Do I really believe that Shiite are better than Sunnis? Or that one is more true or correct than the other?
Nope: It’s all essentially the same crap. That’s right I said crap. I’m going to hell. I mean please people, do you really think because you pray to God 10 minutes early or late (depending on which side you’re on), that God will smite you? Who are you kidding? God is supposed to be merciful and great and only strikes the wicked. If he is evil and retarded enough to judge me on silly things like a 10 minute lag, how I wear a hijab (and if I wear one at all), how can I respect Him as a great being and pray to him?
Would you pray to a God that is evil and spiteful? I wouldn’t. If you do, well, you’re essentially praying to the devil. You satanist!
The God I pray to is good, kind, merciful, understanding, and knows the core of all of his creatures. And he knows that I am essentially good and caring. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Offended? Good. I want to offend both parties. Because you’re both as retarded as each other- and yet you’re both convinced you’re the best. Do you really think God is going to give you a gold star and put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on your hand for hating your fellow brethren and completely believing you’re the shit because somebody “told you so”. Fuck that!
Now, let me tell you my experience on being Shiite: There’s discrimination (it exists) and some sunni people feeling threatened if you talk about your side of religion (it’s kind of like a negro talking to a polite white supremacist today: it shows that the white supremacist is disturbed by the negro and what he’s saying but he doesn’t want to say anything- atleast not to the negro’s face).
Anyway, there’s a bunch of crappy things that some Shiite people do: i.e. flagellation and self-mutilation. Which is so stupid. And you don’t even have to be Shiite to do that. A bunch of other religious factions believe in faith through pain. So you’re not special. Another thing is, do you really think you’re not bringing anybody back from the dead by creating such a ruckus? I very much doubt Al-Hasan or Al-Husain give a rat’s ass that you’re beating yourselves for them? They’re probably shaking their heads and thinking “idiots”.
On the other hand there are some kick-ass pros to being Shiite rather than being Sunni.
- Can get married without your father’s approval
- Can inherit all of your parent’s money if you’re an only daughter. As opposed to being Sunni, where you’re male cousins get their grubby hands on some of the moola.
- You can watch people be buried and go to the cemetery, even if you’re a girl. My understanding is in the Sunni cemetery (separate cemeteries- how fucked up), if you’re a girl, you can’t go in – or you can only go on specific days.
So basically, being Shiite is better for you (in terms of rights), if you’re a girl.
Anyway, I want to know what you all think about the whole Shi3a, Sunna thing, or if you even think about it at all. Comments people! Comments!
PS: I wasn’t raised a shii3i or sunni: Actually, funny story- as a kid, whenever I heard people say shii3i or sunni I always thought it was a soccer team like qadsawi or 3arbawi. Seriously! I never new there were two Islamic factions until I was way older. So then how was I raised, as in what was I raised to be?
Simple: I was raised to be a good person. Which is more than I can say for alot of people out there.
Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Just be a good person. That’s what God wants you to be.
On a lighter note: PICTURE TIME! And they’re of animals. Yay!!!!!!!!
Angora Rabbit- fuzzzzzzzzzzzzzy!
Emperor Tamarin – Loving the beard!
Frill-NeckedLizard- Like the one in Jurassic Park!
Komondor Dog- He’s jumping.
White-Faced Saki Monkey
I was on the phone with Tooomz and from that conversation comes the quote of the day:
Me: Why aren’t you listening to me?
Tooomz: “I’m reading about the troubles of Britney Spears”
Note: Flippy died. And I’m really really sad. I feel guilty. He seemed to be getting better. So I didn’t take him to the vet. I should have taken him to the vet. :( *sob*