*Siiiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhh*

October 8, 2007

Yeah, I know I haven’t posted in a week. I just don’t really feel like it. But the funny thing is I still haven’t even gone to buy an e-go yet. Yeah, I know, I’m lazy. Anyway, so I’m back to blogging from my office computer.

*Sighhh* I’m really tired you guys. I feel like my body and my mind are slowly breaking down. I’m tired all the time, my hand shakes alot, and I can barely think (let alone work). I get like this alot. Sometimes, I get better, sometimes I’m so tired I can’t move. I still haven’t figured out what’s wrong with me. I’ve been to a slew of doctors and they can’t figure out what’s wrong either. They always think its mono. Which its not cuz mama didn’t raise no whore. Secondly, its not because the mono test always comes out negative. I’ve also been tested for rare crap like lyme disease, which I’m also negative for. My thyroid function is also normal. I’m not sure how it is at this moment but about a year ago when I tested, I had I high SED rate. Even though I was technically not sick. The problem with having a high SED rate is that it indicates you have a problem but it doesn’t tell you what the problem is. Here are some possibilities:

  • Infection
  • Inflammatory diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus
  • Blood cancers, such as leukemia and lymphoma
  • Cancers that have spread (metastasized)

Let’s go through the list. First of all, infection: That’s a very general word. But I would say it isn’t an infection because I don’t have a fever. And everybody know infections=fever. Second, inflammatory diseases: I don’t know much about rheumatoid arthritis, so I guess that’s one possibility. As for lupus, well, “its never lupus”. Last, cancer: I sure hope I don’t have that but then again when I think of it I am at risk to get it (genetically and environmentally). But then again I doubt I have cancer because then my lymph nodes would swell up right?

Although there isn’t much to go on, I want you to play a game called “Diagnose the Prophet”. I want you to suggest a disease that I may have and why you think I have it… it’ll be fun (be creative people- and this is also an opportunity to learn something new). So c’mon, help me find out my disease.

My guess is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

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Yeah, I know those were complimakated medikal wurds. Don’t worry I won’t confuse you with any more (the piece above was for all you medical buffs, not TIMMY!). Anyway, on with the comics!

 

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Nephew

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Freak

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Bros

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Caps Lock

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Mini-Retarded-Video!

 

 

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Hi there kiddos!

I’ve been found out! My boss informed me today that I am the 2nd highest user of the internet of this wonderful institution (And where I work is pretty big). I think I should get an award. My boss doesn’t feel the same way. So anyway, I have to stop using the internet. But don’t worry I’m planning to bring my laptop to work from now on, with my own internet connection. And that way I can blog, watch porn, and work at the same time, and nobody can say a single thing to me! Hooray! Hooray!

So anyway chicos and chicas, I’m not going to be posting for a couple of days until I get things in order, ok?

Oh yeah, before I sign off, I have to tell you that along with the whole “don’t use the internet” conversation came me exposing Rafeek for the rat that he is. Basically, not much came from it. He was just told not to do it again. But while he was being “told off” I was sitting right there staring at him with the an expression on my face that conveyed the message “Whatcha gonna do now, bitch!”. That makes it soooo worth it.

Can you read that Rafeek? You spying motherfucker! Don’t fucking touch my computer again! I’ll break your stubby little fingers, you bastard! And you know how I’ll do it? I’ll walk in and see you typing, grab the keyboard from under your fingers, and using the keyboard I’m gonna smash those stubby little fuckers into pulp! Pulp, motherfucker! Pulp! Pulp so fine I’m gonna drink that shit when I’m done! *I spit at you*

Oh yeah, I’m not getting the office I told you guys about, fucking red tape. So what if “new senior management” is being hired? What the hell does that mean? “New senior management” my ass. Just because they get paid more and work more than me doesn’t make them more valuable than me. Well, then again, I guess it does, but I provide this place with laughter and happiness, and you can’t put a price on that *sob*.

Anyway, its time for me to go, those internet minutes just keep racking up (hmmm…. maybe if I get 1st place they’ll give me a cake….Mmmm…cake….)

Goodbye my children, see you in a little while.

 

 

Ninja Chicken

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Good One, Dad

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Interview Tip

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Fundies!

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It was too late before they realized….

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Twin Fun

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Bands that Rock

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No fucking teddy bears!

September 27, 2007

Meh…. I don’t really feel like posting. But its 1:12 PM and I have a good hour and fifteen minutes to kill. I’ve been trying to plan my little sister’s 21st birthday party looking for venues and DJs online (she’s in the US). What she doesn’t know, is that I’m also planning to hire some bodyguards to attend the party. Some of you might be thinking well “then she can’t go completely wild! That’s not fair, you got a bodyguard-free 21st”. And you are completely right! But there are somethings you need to know. First, I don’t want her going wild (even though she is 10 times more sane than me). Also, my 21st birthday was bodyguard-free but it was also party-free. It was horrible. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life *sob*. Seriously, it was really traumatic. I was still in college but back in Kuwait for the summer. I was given a cake and a teddy bear. A fucking teddy bear!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I don’t expect my parents to give me a bottle of vodka or anything. But a fucking teddy bear? I was so traumatized. It was my 21st….. so sad. Ever since then I have this 3iqda, I have to have a crazy birthday party every year, or atleast a decent one. No fucking teddy bears!

My 22nd was amazing, I’d decided that “fuck everyone, I’m giving myself an amazing party”. I went out and rented a sushi bar/ restaurant for one night. Complete with dancefloor and DJ. And being a sushi bar, there was a long ass u-shaped bar where the bartender served drinks to everyone. It was so much fun. One of my best friends flew down from Miami, just for my birthday. Those were the days!

One of the things that distinctly sticks out from that night was my toast. I remember, a friend of mine said “Prophet, you’d really be the shit if you got everybody at the bar to drink a shot at the same time”.

Me: Watch this.

I proceeded to buy shots for everybody that was sitting at the bar (even some uninvited people that snuck in) and I told them not to drink it until I told them to (this part was hard- my friends are alcoholics that didn’t understand why I was making them wait to consume alcohol). After getting all the shots (I don’t even know how many they were- 30 maybe). I stood up on a stool, high above everybody, and gave my magnificent toast:

“To all you bitches and motherfuckers! This is for my motherfucking birthday! Drink up bitches!”

Looooooooooooooool! I think everybody was shocked at my toast but they all went wild nonetheless- cheers for the magnificent Prophet. Damn! Those were the good times!

Needless to say, I proved I am the shit! Yeah baby!

Anyway, back to our original topic. I want my sister to have an awesome 21st unlike mine that will forever be a blackspot in my heart. And anyway, I can get her a bodyguard because I’m going to be paying for the whole party, therefore its my decision.

Its 1:51 PM now. No I’m not a horribly slow typer. I’ve been having discussions with co-workers intermittently. Oh yeah, which reminds me, I’ve decided I’m going to talk to my boss about Rafeek and his wrong-doings. Homeboy’s going down! Actually, I can’t be sure of that, my boss might want to keep him seeing as he serves as his little spy. We’ll see. My skills of persuasion may be a little rusty, but I think I can cause a little stir. Muahahahahha!

This is completely me!

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Dance Seizure

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Sudoku

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Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

September 26, 2007

So I walk into work today, ready to start my web browsing ritual, when I notice I can’t login to my bloody computer. Somebody else had previously logged in and forgot to log out. The good thing is it displays the person’s name. The weird thing was it was our ex-secretary (Jenny) that got moved to another floor, why the hell would she have logged into my computer? And she would have had to have logged in after work hours yesterday (after I left), or before I got in this morning.

This required further investigation. So I go up to our new secretary (let’s call her Missy) and ask her about the situation and if I could get old secretary’s phone number. Missy tells me that Jenny gave the teaboy (Rafeek) her login name and password so he could fuck around whenever he was bored.

Oh really? Now let me tell you a little something about Rafeek. He is this little Indian (or Sri Lankan- same difference) dude who gives you attitude if you tell him to do something like bring you tea (which is his fucking job). He also conveniently “forgets” (ignores) to do half the shit you tell him to do, and if he does do it takes him a year. To make things worse, the little rat is a spy. Seriously, he spies for our boss, and constantly reports our activities to him. Anyway, as you can tell, I’m not a fan.

So anyway, I go to Rafeek and ask him straight up “Did you login to my computer?”.

Rafeek: *moments pause* No.

My initial thought is liar, liar, pants on fire! But I know better than to say that.

Prophet: Oh okay, so I’ll just go and ask Jenny if she came and logged into my computer. Before I do that, I’m going to ask you one more time: Did you login to my computer?

Rafeek: *puts his head down in shame- pretend shame because he has none* Yes.

Prophet: Come into my office and log out.

Rafeek proceeds to do as he is told, for the first bloody time in his life, and the following conversation ensues (I wish I could have told him what’s really on my mind but I’m trying to maintain the “I’m nice” image around here – which he has taken advantage of).

Rafeek: Ummm… I used it because sometimes management calls and they want something from the internet.

At this point your probably thinking what I was thinking (again liar liar) but this one is obvious. You are a motherfucking teaboy. And a retarded one at that. What management would call you to do shit, motherfucker? But I’m too polite to say that.

Prophet: Uh-huh. Yeah. I’m sure. But next time, you could ask my permission first, and when I ask you about it, you don’t lie to me.

Rafeek: *hangs head* okay.

I am way too fucking nice. But at this moment I own that motherfucker. From now on I command him. He’s a big liar, and now he knows that I know and I have proof and witnesses (Missy). If it wasn’t ramadan, I’d have told him to “get me tea! on the double! *finger snap*”. He’d probably spit in it, but that’s besides the point. I own you bitch, you’d better not disrespect me or else I will voice very loudly, and in a very embarrassing way for you, how your are a lying motherfucker.

________________

In more office news, I’m finally getting an office, a real office that’s just for me. Hoora! And I’m going to be so protective of it. Nobody sits and touches my shit. As in if I catch Rafeek touching my computer sitting on my chair I swear to God I’m going to try my utmost to have him fired. And I really think I will be able to. Just go to HR and tell them that the security of information in our division has been compromised, and there is major internal risk, because I’ve noticed people have been sharing their logins and passwords with unauthorized personnel (ie. Rafeek), which results in huge risk issues for this fine establishment. Such unauthorized personnel have access to confidential documents (the secretary worked for our GM) and could leak them to our competitors at any time. What a horrible scandal that would be if that happen! So I would request that Rafeek be fired (Jenny would probably be fired too- too bad she’s nice- but sacrifices must be made for the greater good). And also, in return for my silence- you know not causing a stir, I want a bigger office, a bonus, and I want to bring my cat to work.

I think they’d give me what I want (okay, well, maybe not the cat thing :( ). Or what I could do is threaten Rafeek with me ratting him out and make him my personal slave. “Rafeek, I need to put my feet up. No, no, don’t get me another chair. Get down on all fours. That’s right. Ahhhhhhhhh……”

So what do you think? Better salary or personal slave. Better salary is cool but you can’t put a price on slavery, that comes from black mail the heart.

______________________

Yeah, so you know, how I said I’ve lost my feelings? Well, as is proven from the story above, and as was pointed out by a friend, I still derive a small amount of pleasure from evil things. Maybe that means I’m going to become a serial killer… Hmmmmm *evil grin*.

____________________

On to the randomness!

First, a statement in relation to out first story. I quit red bull a while back because I realized I was just putting crap in my body that I didn’t need. I would drink two cans at work, in an attempt to stay awake. They I realized that there was no need to be alert (or concious at all for that matter) in this place. So anyway I quit Red Bull. But I wouldn’t have if I’d known this.

I have now decided to distribute red bull to everybody I know. FREE RED BULL FOR EVERYONE!

In other news, I thought this was a beautiful story. I need a pigeon. Something that would love me unconditionally. *sob* I’m so lonely. Lol.

Now, that I think of it, a pigeon is a bad choice. I could imagine me going. “I love you Tweety, you’re my bestest friend ever!” *cooo* * I bring Tweety closer to my face to kiss him affectionately* *Tweety pecks my eyes out- “The Birds” style*.

Birds are evil creatures and they carry the bird flu! Evil, evil creatures!

________________

 

Anyway, for those of you that care about your sneakers, your coolness, and your street cred, may care to know about the coolest ways to tie your shoelaces. Check it out!

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And now it’s picture time! The first two pictures need an introduction. Before a big soccer match, an Argentinian condom manufacturer ran the upper (the first) advertisement, bragging about what Argentina would do to Brazil. After Argentina lost the game, the Brazilian football organization ran the lower ad.

 

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Bart dressed as a suicide bomber-

I like to call him Moh’d Jihad

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Halo 3 is out! I want!

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Mini-Retarded video time! These videos come with the title “types of music you shouldn’t let your cat listen to”. They really are retarded. I love the Stevie Wonder one because the cat moves the exact same way Stevie Wonder does when he sings, how evil!

 

Barry White

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Gansta Rap

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Heavy Metal

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House

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Techno / Electronica while on Ecstasy

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Stevie Wonder

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This is panning out to be a very lovely day indeed. I’m off then! Turrrrraaaaaaaaaa!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And you think I’m random….

September 25, 2007

I’m quite a random person…. but something even I though was random is this. I wanted to punch the monitor when I saw it. Shakoo?

Anyway, let’s talk about me. As most of you could tell, I’ve been pretty depressed for a while. But now that’s changed. I’m not depressed anymore. I’m nothing. I’m completely void of sadness and happiness. I’m empty, I’m numb. It’s quite an interesting feeling. I don’t know if this is a bad thing. I started off thinking it was because now I don’t really want to do anything, because whatever I do will not change the way I feel. But now I’m reconsidering the whole situation. Maybe its not so bad, okay so I’m not motivated to do a single thing, but atleast I don’t feel like crap. Its kind of blissful. Its like floating in outerspace. It’s kind of scary at first, very quiet, but now I think it may be a blessing. I’m thinking I may start calling it peace instead of emptiness. We’ll see how long my positive attitude will last….

I’m done with my personal confession of the day, so on with the show!

I’m going to put two comics up first. I wonder who they remind me of. hmmmm… Can you you guess?

 

 

This next one take your time reading it. So many weird people out there (I’m not even sure if its real anymore because its so freaky):

Personals

 

Freaky Double Eye

 

 

Don’t Do It!

 

Some more comics and then onto the mini-retarded videos. The first mini-retarded video is dedicated to someone special; you know who you are.

 

 

 

Ewww… Lol!

 

 

 

Can Crush- She’s such a lady….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Personal Favorite:

You cannot just walk into Mordor!

(watch it from the beginning, wait for the slide after the black one)

Quote of the Day:

” I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not Much

September 24, 2007

Hello there children! Yeah, I know I didn’t post yesterday, you don’t have to tell me that. I was sick and I skipped work- shit! That reminds me I have to go fill out a a crappy form and give it to HR. Merde!

Anyway, I haven’t had time to gather up crap for this post. So we’ll stick with some pictures for now:

I would give him the bonus

 

Lol – its true. Aham Shay- Level 1 Human

 

I use this all the time- otherwise I’d have

to beat the guys off with a stick- and that’s just mean.

 

*giggle*

 

Sometimes it is the answer

 

Seeing as you haven’t any interest in drug week I’ll just put these comics up now:

 

 

And now for what is quickly becoming a popular segment — MINI-RETARDED-VIDEO time!

 

Ouch!

 

 

 

 

 

WTF?

 

 

 

 

 

Stop Thief!

 

I know this is random- well actually that’s what I’m known for- but the girl on the left totally reminds me of Chirp. Keep on rockin’ Chirp! You really are great!

 

 

Quote of the Day:

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sick of the Feigning

September 20, 2007

I’m bored with all of this. I’m bored with everything. And its getting harder and harder for me to fake interest and enthusiasm. I have a hard time looking into people’s eyes these day (I’m not sure why suddenly) I think its because my eyes can’t lie. I’ve no interest in what most people are telling me. I’ve no interest in even answering questions about myself, about my day or whatever… I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of the feigning.

Something needs to change. I don’t know what, but somethings got to happen. I’m thinking a self-imposed exile, but the time has to be right. And it’s not right yet. I don’t know what I’m going to do in the meanwhile… any suggestions? Something time consuming but stimulating at the same time.

_______________________

First off, a Darwin Award:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal imbedded in the side of a cliff rising above the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what had happened. It seems that a guy had some JATO bottles ( Jet Assisted Take Off ), actually a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes extra “push” for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala into the desert and found a long straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, built up some speed, and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be defined are that:

  1. The operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was determined by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
  2. The JATO would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the chevy to reach speeds of 350 MPH ( 560 KMPH ). JATO thrust would have continued for 20-25 seconds, insuring maintenance of that speed for that time.
  3. The driver, soon pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dig-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the vent. The automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles ( 15-20 seconds ) before the driver applied and completely melted brakes, blowing tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, to no avail, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles before impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock face.
  4. Few of the drivers remains were recovered. Small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and a fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Damn! Seriously, just imagine the sight of the crash. Damn.

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Sanju Bhagat’s stomach was once so swollen he looked nine months pregnant and could barely breathe. iving in the city of Nagpur, India, Bhagat said he’d felt self-conscious his whole life about his big belly. But one night in June 1999, his problem erupted into something much larger than cosmetic worry. Mehta said that he can usually spot a tumor just after he begins an operation. But while operating on Bhagat, Mehta saw something he had never encountered. As he cut deeper into Bhagat’s stomach, gallons of fluid spilled out — and then something extraordinary happened. “First, one limb came out, then another limb came out. Then some part of genitalia, then some part of hair, some limbs, jaws, limbs, hair.”

At first glance, it may look as if Bhagat had given birth. Actually, Mehta had removed the mutated body of Bhagat’s twin brother from his stomach. Bhagat, they discovered, had one of the world’s most bizarre medical conditions — fetus in fetu. It is an extremely rare abnormality that occurs when a fetus gets trapped inside its twin. The trapped fetus can survive as a parasite even past birth by forming an umbilical cordlike structure that leaches its twin’s blood supply until it grows so large that it starts to harm the host, at which point doctors usually intervene.

Nasty. Now that really sucks.

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Man Hides Sex Toys in the Wurst Way

BERLIN (Reuters) – Staff at a German butcher’s shop were shocked to discover a customer had hidden two sex toys in their sausages for transport to Dubai, police said Wednesday.

“It was two latex dildos with a natural look,” said a spokesman for police in the southwestern city of Mannheim.

After shopping there earlier in the day, the man, who spoke broken English, returned to the butcher’s with two large “Schwartenmagen” sausages. He asked a shop assistant to wrap and cool them until he departed for Dubai the next day.

But the assistant noticed the goods had got heavier and alerted police. Officers discovered the man, who was about 50, had removed some of the meat and packed the dildos inside.

“He could have used a loaf of bread,” the spokesman said. “It’s not against the law here. But obviously I can’t speculate on what customs in Dubai will have to say about it.”

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I wonder if you are allowed to bring sex toys into Dubai. Probably not. Because if they allowed it it may shrink the market for the prostitution rings. Then the Russians would get pissed and then they’d make the government very unhappy.

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Picture and Comic Time:

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What the hell is this section in the newspaper? The crime section?

Who reports a “cat with rectal problems”? lol

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Limitations

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Wanna be a rapper?

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O is for Old English Sheepdog

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In Case of Revolution…

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I’m not sure if I put this up before:

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Read the warning carefully:

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Quote of the Day:

Me: George Washington Carver researched peanuts, its obvious. He’s the one who invented peanut butter.

Chirp: Really? He made Jiff?

Me: I don’t think Jiff. You know the peanut with the monocle, that based on him.

Chirp: You mean Planter’s?

Me: Yeah, Planters!

Chirp: Wow! How do you know all that?

Me: I don’t, I just made all that shit up.

Chirp: Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool!

 

 

 

 

 

Sucky Sucky, Five Dolla

September 18, 2007

Ahhhh…. yes…. how I wish I could go back to the days when I would walk around imitating Cartman as a Thai prostitute and go “Sucky Sucky, Five Dolla!” at random. Those were the good old days.

Anyway, my plan has failed. And no… I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, it seems that I’m going to be entertaining you with all things random for a while yet. Boo for me, yay for you.

Anyway, the otherday my brother and I were discussing how if we went to a typical suburban highschool in America, we would take it over. All the people there are horribly insecure and partially retarded. We’d be like Gods among men. I don’t mean going to highschool in Harlem, where somebody’d bust a cap in my ass. I mean one of those really typical all white highschools with like one token black dude, you know, like you see on TV. Atleast I used to think I could take over until I read the following and thought that could be me:

A 9 year old was thrown out of the back of her moving school bus after a struggle with another student on their trip home. Soon after the 9 year old pulled the DS Lite from her book bag it was taken by a 13 year old boy who ran to the back of the bus with it. When the girl tried to retrieve it the two began struggling for it in the back seat.

Reports released by the Pima County School Superintendent in Arizona said the older child was being beaten in the face repeatedly and felt his only escape was to open the buses rear emergency door and jump out. The child instead shoved the young girl out of the door with the bus traveling at approximately 15 mph. The girl was bruised and scraped up but had no major injures from the fall.

The boy has been temporarily suspended from their school and has the chance of being permanently expelled pending further investigation by the school board.

Loooool…. that really sucks… getting thrown out of a bus… the story is not especially interesting but I thought the picture that accompanied it made it funny:

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I’m really not in the mood to post but I promised somebody I would so I will. But in a lazy way- links!

I have a fear of heights. So it freaks me out to even think of doing this.

My world is different from everybody else’s, for many reasons. Sometimes my unstable life gets out of control and things get really crazy kinda like this (I really like the song- its by Weird Al)

What would it be like to see U2 perform an uber-classic song. Check it out.

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Its peeeeeeeeekture time! First up it a series of pictures that illustrates how to make something that’s going to provide hours of fun for you at the office. A special gift from me to you. Enjoy!

What you need:

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Let’s get started:

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Ready! Aim! Fire!

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______________________

Actual BBC response:

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Rollin’

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Pinky and the Brain

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Weeeeee….

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iPhone

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Jesus

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Comic:

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Transform!

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VikingPimp!

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Quote of the Day:

“You can’t be both Pro-Life AND Anti-Zombie.”

 

 

 

 

Yeah, take your bloody time!

September 16, 2007

Yeah, I’m posting again. I’m still at work. I can’t leave until I get word from HR. Despite the fact that their job is easy as hell, if they do anything at all that is, they take their bloody time.
You’d think a large financial institution would understand the value of time and speedy decisions, but noooooooooo…….. idiots.

And so, my entire world is on hold as I wait for HR.

I curse you HR. I curse you! May the fleas from a thousand camels infest your pubic hair!

Anyway, an important announcement:

Happy Birthday Chirp! This comic is for you:

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And with that out of the way…. it’s time for the radiology picture of the day:

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Luo Cuifen, 29 of Beijing, China, consulted doctors after noticing blood in her urine. Turns out she has 23 inch-long needles in her gut. Surgeons will now carefully remove the needles that allegedly were inserted by her grandparents who were hoping to kill her. From the Associated Press:

Many of the needles have worked their way into Luo’s vital organs including her lungs, liver, bladder and kidneys, making their removal difficult, said Qu Rui, a spokesman for the Richland International Hospital in Yunnan province’s capital, Kunming…

Qu said doctors believe the woman’s grandparents may have inserted the needles long ago, hoping she would die and her parents might have a boy in her place. China limits most families to just one child, although rural Chinese may be allowed to have a second if their first is a girl, subject to the payment of fines.

It wasn’t clear whether further investigations into the case were planned, with media reports saying Luo’s grandparents had already died.

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Russian Posers- check out the link

Creepy Lenses – Link

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It’s random picture time! The first picture needs a brief introduction. You know those times when your sitting in your office and something’s just missing? Something that makes work so much more pleasant: Beer.

But where can you store your precious beer stock? A fridge in the middle of your office is very suspicious. Well thank God ladies and gents because some divine genuis out there created his thing:

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Seriously, God bless you brother, whoever you are.

Viagra Ad

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Pool – I’m not sure if I posted this one before

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Cool wedding photo!

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The bride who drank too much

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Looool

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Kung-Fu Kitty

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Quote of the Day:

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal. ” -Demetri Martin

And another one by Demetri Martin:

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

 

 

 

 

 

Aliens and Judgment Day

September 13, 2007

I told you that this day was possibly coming soon. It is a day when your whole world ends. Yes, my friends, it is judgment day: I’m finally leaving my job (I think-if today goes the way its supposed to).

Hush now little ones. Don’t shed any more tears. You don’t know whats going to happen. I might still post but I really don’t know anymore. I have decided, despite my parents disapproval, to try one last desperate attempt to follow my dreams. And so it is with that that I’m off to journey the unknown and unpaved path that I know is going to suck ass. But I have to try, I’ll regret it forever if I don’t.

With that farewell message to all of you out of the way, we can resume today’s post. As promised, it’s alien day!

Now, today’s post originates from some video that a friend of mine showed me that showed some UFOs flying over some place in Saudi. Now, I think he expected me to freak out, like my other friend who went “this is a sign that its judgement day, the world is coming to an end” or something to that effect.

Now, first of all, why would you believe that that video is real? Because its in Saudi? Are you insulting Saudi doctoring skills? Shame on you. Saudis are the best fakers. Just look at the double (hypocrisy-filled) lives they lead. Now, now, if you’re Saudi and offended by the comment I just made, I’m sorry *cough*- I’m sorry that you born in Saudi, its not your fault.

Second of all, so what if there are aliens? Pictures and videos of aliens have been around since forever. And so what? You’rejust nervous that things are going to change here on Earth. Maybe they’re coming to fix all the fuck-ups us humans have made ie. war with our own kind, global warming, famine in a world of abudancy. I think they should come and kill alot of us, just so that they kill off alot of the retards around. And then maybe, just maybe, when we are trying to rebuild our civilizations we’ll to it right this time.

And if they’re here just to blow things up for no reason and eat our human flesh, I’m up for the challenge. I would prefer to die in an epic battle to save the human race than die in a car accident (which is very likely here in Kuwait).

Third of all, which is really funny to me: when I told a co-worker about the whole alien video judgment day thing, she said: “Well, its possible, you know. When judgement day comes and people like Al-Mahdi, and Gog and Magog reappear we don’t know how they are going to appear and in what form.”

Seriously? As in, they are going to come back in spaceships in alien form? Loool… that’s just so funny to me. I guess it could happen maybe…. uh…. I guess… I mean I wouldn’t want to make fun of anybody’s relegious beliefs, now would I? I respect all relegions…. Hahaaha… see what I did there? Its called sarcasm…. get it? get it?

Anyway, what do you think? Do you think Jesus is going to come down from a UFO?

Anyway, check out the picture below, which people think is totally real. It’s supposed to be of an alien (possibly Al-Mahdi reappearing) and the people in the picture are freaking out.

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Hahahaha!!!!! Man! I’m going to miss you guys. You’re so gullible!

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m going to go to hell. Saying all this shit on the first day of ramadan. But firstly, for Shia ramadan is tomorrow (yes! I’m saved by a technicality! Whew! That was a close one!) Also, since I’m Shia I can make fun of Al-Mahdi, he’s my homie. Just like I can make fun of Hasan Nasarallah, but you sunna can’t. Nananabooboo!

I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong and just because its ramadan I’m not going to stop. Here’s the thing I’ve been trying to convey to people my entire life. You shouldn’t not be doing things because its ramadan. You shouldn’t do bad things because it is wrong.

I don’t like it when people say “Oh I don’t do #insert word# during ramadan” but they do it the rest of the year. What does that mean when you do that? It means you know its wrong and you just don’t do it when you feel you’re going to get punished for it extra.
What do you think God is thinking of you right now? He’s probably thinking “Okay he knows and feels it’s wrong but he does it anyway. He just doesn’t do it sometimes because he’s scared of punishment. So in conclusion this person does not avoid “sin” because its wrong but because he’s a coward.”

So what about me? I feel that the things I do are not wrong, in fact I’m convinced that they aren’t. So I do them all the time. No matter what time of year. Let’s say, for arguement’s sake, that the things I do are considered wrong in God’s eyes, who do you think God spites more? Someone who thinks what they do is good and doesn’t know any better, or somebody who knows what they do is wrong but does it anyway?

My point is also my Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Do good and avoid bad all year-round. God isn’t blind the rest of the year you know.

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Now that we’re done with the morality part of the post, let’s talk a little about me. I’m passing through a hard time right now. And for most of my life I’ve been in pain (not necessarily physical)- which is why I am how I am. What always makes me feel better is knowing others have been in more pain than me (as messed up as that is its true). Anyway, I thought I’d post some things that make me feel lucky to be me:

Heretic’s Fork

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One end of this device was pushed under the chin, the other into the sternum, with the strap securing this torture tool to the victim’s neck. Immobilized and in great pain, the victim will have to mouth off the Latin word “abiuro” (I recant), or they’ll end up being hanged or worse, burned at the stake.

 

Lead Sprinkler

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This tool, which kinda reminds me of a holy water sprinkler, was filled with either molten lead, tar, boiling oil or boiling water, then used to torture bless its victims by dripping its contents on their stomach, back and other body parts. Sounds like standard S&M practice to me, only with a greater deal of pain.

 

Tongue Tearer

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Countless heretics and blasphemers had their tongues roughly torn out with this simple device.

 

The Rack

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The rack is a contraption designed to dislocate every single joint in its victim’s body. Tied across the device’s board by the ankles and wrists, the victim’s body is then pulled in opposite directions by turning rollers at either end of the board. Great way of relieving a bad back, if you ask me. Of course, the subsequent pain caused by the multiple dislocations is another story.

That’s enough torture pictures for now I guess. I have better pictures for you. This first one is unpleasant but to me it signifies a part of ramadan. I don’t fast because I get credit with God. I do it, firstly, because it’s a good detox from all the crappy food I eat. I’m seriously considering semi-fasting for the rest of the year. It’s very physically cleansing. And secondly, in this fucked up world of ours, while we feast others die with nothing in their bellies. Fasting reminds me of that… it reminds me that there are others that live much harder lives than I do. But keep in mind fasting helps nobody but you. It’s not going to miracously put food on somebody’s table. You have to give (in a material sense-don’t just pray that somebody helps them- GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT)…. and there are alot of people who need your help:

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Incase you can’t tell, that’s a photo of a child dying of starvation. And right behind the child is a vulture, waiting for him to die…. nobody helped the child just in case you were wondering.

I don’t mean to get all of you down, but I want you to truly feel how lucky you are. And I want you to know that you aren’t not eating so that you can have a huge fun feast with friends and family and completely ignore the plight of your fellow man. Ramadan is not meant to be fun, atleast I don’t think it should be.

I know you come here to laugh your asses off but its my responsibility to teach you a few things every now and then even if it isn’t fun.

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Anyway, I don’t know if you’re in the mood to see pictures and comics but I’m going to post some anyway. But a joke I heard first:

Im7ashish gal “Ya rait ramadan mithil kaas il-3alam: mara kil arba3 sineen, oo kil mara ib dawla!”

I don’t know, I thought it was funny.

Cocoon Tent Thingy- I want this so bad!

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Baseball Bloopers

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Why is the black guy freaking out about a water balloon?

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Comics

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Quote of the Day:

” Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
If you listen carefully now you will hear.
This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Things are not the way they used to be,
I wont tell no lie;
One and all have to face reality now.
though Ive tried to find the answer to all the questions they ask.
though I know its impossible to go livin through the past –
Dont tell no lie.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air –
Cant keep them down –
If you listen carefully now you will hear.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.

This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air –
I wont tell no lie;
If you listen carefully now you will hear:
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air.”

-Bob Marley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know, when I tell somebody a problem or complain about something I don’t want want to be criticized. I want to be comforted, I want you to curse the source of my problem. I don’t want you to zif me. You’re not helping me whatsoever, you’re just stressing me out.

Let me explain to you more clearly what I’m talking about:

I hate my job, you know that. Most of the work I get, when I get it, is super retarded. TIMMY! For example, today, all I’ve been doing is changing the color schemes and formats on power point presentations. What the fuck? I didn’t get a degree from a top 20 business school to do shit I learnt to do in middle school computer class. I hate it! God-fucking-damnit!

I know that I shouldn’t be here. The only reason I am here is because I have nothing better to do. Atleast that was before. Now, I want to start studying for the GRE and filling out applications…etc. So now, I want to quit. Now, this is all nothing really new. What annoys me about it are my parents. What do my parents have to do with it? They are soooo unhelpful. Okay, I never expected them to be helpful, but atleast don’t put me down.

So my mother calls me today, at work…

Prophet (P): I hate my job, I hate it. I want to quit. Seriously. I want to quit today.

Mumsy (M): Don’t be in such a rush! Why are you in such a rush?

P: I have to study and apply for graduate programs. The application is due October 1st.

M: So? Study at work.

(Now this is theoretically a good idea, except there is no way I can study in this atmosphere and they do give me work to do – really retarded work-but it’s still time consuming.)

P: I can’t, I do things around here, stupid shit, but I do things nonetheless.

M: Tell them you’re not going to do that shit anymore!

P: What? I can’t just say I’m not going to do the work they assign me anymore and sit on my ass. The way you say “I’m not going to do this shit anymore” is quit!

M: No, its your fault for doing the stuff they give you. You should’ve told them the minute they give you that shit to do that you wouldn’t do it!

(The above statement is probably slightly true, but what the fuck ma? you’re supposed to make me feel better not make me feel like crap. and besides you’re supposed to do what your boss tells you, right? I mean he didn’t ask me to scrub the toilets, he asked me to do the only shit they have to do around here: which is pretend to work by changing the colors on things)

P: I’m not the only one that does this shit. This what people do here!!!!

M: *blah blah blah*

P: Ma, you’re not getting my point… *blah blah blah*

P: God damnit! Fine ma! Fine! I’ll talk to you when I get home. Bye.

*tear my hair out of my head*

Everytime I talk to my mom about anything she drives me insane!!!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCK!

I’m so pissed. And I know why: because I have to keep quite and be respectful and keep it all in (I can’t just shut the phone). One day, I swear to God, I’m going to kill somebody because I’m so frustrated. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I really want to scream but I’m still at work: GOD DAMNIT!

There are shooting pains in my head and my arms; I think I might be having a heart attack.

Okay… fine, I’m not. But one day I will. I don’t need all this stress.

All this stress and you want me to quit smoking?

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Anyway, not everything in life is bad. I know one thing that good. Rainbows? No! Tampons? No!……. the new iPods!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!

 

iPod Hero: Touch me baby… yeah..like that…

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iPhone (left) iPod (right)

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iPod Classic: Much slimmer and holds up to 160 GB!

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Renovated iPod Nanooooooooo

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A couple of other kick-ass stuff:

Spaceport America (as in “interplanetary travel”)

OPENING 2010!

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Batwing Fan

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Simpson’s House (it’s real)

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Spy Sunglasses – I want!

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Quote of the Day:

“Tooomz is the one that makes the boys cry.” – Chirp

 

 

My pussy

September 5, 2007

Below are the photos i promised of my cat:

The first two pictures are before he gets shaved:

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Next him being drugged and shaved (even though his eyes are open he’s unconscious) :

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Loading the pictures takes forever, so you’ll have to wait for another time to see my pussy when it’s shaved. I know, you just can’t wait, but you have to!

 Isn’t he cute?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mozart and Children

August 30, 2007

I’m sitting here, at work, listening to some Mozart trying to calm down and relax. I’ve been stressing over continuing my “higher studies” (not as in smoking a joint, but rather the real deal). I’ve been stressing over if I’ll even be able to go, who’s going to pay for it….etc. Anyway, as I sit here, with Mozart’s Menuetto Moderato Trio plays soothingly in my ears, I’m reading about things that could stress me out so much more, namely children. Children are like ferocious, comic little people on drugs. They’ll pretty much drive you insane if you don’t know the proper way to wrangle them up. Like this woman who sells the stuff her kids buy (without her permission) on EBay. Poor woman…. What’s worse is this guy (what a freaking retard).

100 kids? Is he crazy? I mean, I understand, back in the day, if you were royalty you’d want to have alot of kids just in case your enemies invaded and wanted to kill the entire royal family and take over the nation. But these days…. come on! I mean there are some bloody annoying Emarati people that I want to kill out there but I doubt that anybody is going to try to slaughter this guy and his family (except I might now, because he’s seriously contributing to overpopulation and overcrowding in the world).

I wonder how he decides what he’s going to name them. Letters won’t work, there aren’t enough in the alphabet. I guess you could number them. # 1, #2 (the first two would probably get made fun of alot, you know, number two…. hehehe).

I would name my kids after different products and get my kids sponsored for life. You know, call them things like Aquafresh, Kotex, and Trojan(man) – I obviously won’t be needing Tojans though if I have 100 kids. Let’s see what else is important to have around the house, oh, Pringles, iTunes, Showtime, Orbit, Playstation… and the list goes on.

I guess I would have 100 kids if I could benefit off of each one… I have to start right now though if I want to have enough to sustain me through the rest of my life.

Kids make great slaves too. So obedient, if you hit them enough.

Just because you’re somebody’s kid doesn’t mean they like you, you know. Take a look at what Leona Helmsley did. She left $12 million to her dog instead of her descendants. Damn, that one rich motherfucking dog! Woof!

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Look at one of the stupidest toys ever made:

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A Spin-The-Bottle bottle for $35? Who would buy that? Obviously, no parent is going to buy it for their kid (unless your house is a brothel and your mother is raising hookers). And why would a kid spend $35 on something that could be substituted for a $1 coke bottle? In the states if a kid had $35 and wanted to get some action, he’d just give it to the local whore and get her to go down on him. Obviously the creators of this toy didn’t think it through very well. For shame!

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Do you know what time it is? That right, its picture time!!!!!!!!!

Kick-ass new NASA rocket

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Forget it

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Coming to Life

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Inflatable Pub (I soooo want one- I NEED it!)

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This makes me laugh- so evil!

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Have a great long weekend kids! See you next week! Just in case I die this weekend I want you to know one thing- the quote of the day:

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.”

 

 

 

 

Slap Slap

August 27, 2007

You know I woke up yesterday feeling like crap. I woke up just completely pissed (not the in the British sense). I wanted to just punch somebody, and I didn’t want to deal with retards (inevitable as it is). Maybe its “that time of the month” or something but I just felt really frustrated and angry and then it came….. I don’t mean my “mensus”, I mean THE SONG. The song that just completely described how I felt and made me feel alot better.

Listen to “Slap” by Ludacris

The first two verses apply to me. The rest… well… they might apply to me when I become somebody’s baby mama in the ghetto.

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Okay kids, now, line up, shut the fuck up and listen up because its LESSON TIME!!

Today’s lesson is in how not to be a retard. TIMMY! Below are somethings that some real retards have done that landed them in an ER. You are to learn from the stupidity of these idiots and you are not to do the same thing. OK? OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man’s house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man’s poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man’s jewels from the dog’s mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling “Puta! Puta! Puta!” At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby’s father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was “Puja!” (Push!) Instead he was saying “Whore! Whore! Whore!”

A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled “Come on back this afternoon. We’re having a Butt-luck supper”. (How embarrassing is that!)

An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: “It was a fifty, bitch!”

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: “I got the green vines in my virginny” (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she “put a potato in there to hold it up” and then forgot about it.

The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female’s room.

Doctor: “The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you’re not sexually active?”

Patient: “Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there.”

Doctor: “I see. Well, do you know who the father is?”

Patient: “No. Who?”

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from “crank” (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, “I’ve been screwing the dog?”

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn’t able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and “gagged” myself to vomit but couldn’t vomit it up either.”

Lesson for the day: Don’t be a retard!

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During my research to find all things random I come upon some pretty interesting sites. I have to tell you, one of the strangest blogs that I’ve come upon has to be The Superfluous Nipple. And you guessed it, its “a shrine to the third nipple”.

Wow, a blog dedicated to third nipples? You see some really messed up shit on there. Like this:

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Thats right! A nipple on somebody’s foot. Gross.

I wonder if he/she get turned on when they walk. I also wonder if this guy went to a spa, would it be inappropriate for him to get a foot massage? Oooo! Oooo! If I was back in middle school and this guy was walking down the hall I know exactly what I’d say: “Hey, look everybody! It’s TitFoot!”

Hahahahahaaaa!!!!!!! I’m soooo mean.

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It’s picture time! *dum dum dum dum dum* Do you hear the techno rave music? I do! Take it away Arnold!

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Today’s pictures are a selection of cell phones you can’t buy, nuts for you!:

Pantech’s Flexus Mobile Phone

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NEC’s “Tag” Phone

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Nokia Aeon

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Synaptics Onyx Mobile

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Motorola PVOT Phone

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Dual-Screen Cell Phone

Alloy Total Product Design’s “The Polygon” boasts two displays: a standard high-resolution display for viewing data and a touchscreen for accessing menus, etc.

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Fuzzy the Bunny

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I just put the bunny there because he’s so squishably cute *squish*

Quote of the Day:

Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m sick

August 22, 2007

I’m sick you guys (many people say in more than one way). Anyway, I’m ill, or atleast I’m getting there. I get these ups and downs. One minute I’m fine, another minute I feel like I’m going to pass out. Fucked up…. anyway, so I got hopped up on vitamin C yesterday. It makes you hyperactive if you take too much and your pee turns fluorescent yellow (wicked!).

So I just wanted to explain, if I was acting weirder than usual, its because of the vitamin C overdose. Also the loud-volumed speaking (AKA yelling) is because my ears get horribly blocked when I get sick.

Also, please note that vitamin C will keep you awake if you take it too late in the day. I couldn’t sleep yesterday until 3 am. Which sucks monkey balls because I have to be at work by 7:30. I manage to drag myself to work on time. I show up here, with my rayban wayfarers on and I don’t take them off (because my eyes are all puffy and shit) and people look at me all suspicious (including my boss). I explain its because I’m sick, I don’t think they believe me. But I swear, I’m not hungover! Not today anyway….

Rayban Wayfarers

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Vitamin C is my drug of choice. But it doesn’t really take care of those nasty flu aches and pains. What does? Thats right!: FLAVORED COCAINE! Yummmmy! Its most popular flavors are coconut, strawberry, banana and chocolate.

What does it taste like? The strawberry one tastes “like Strawberry Shortcake just peed down the back of my throat” according to TMZ.com

Flavored cocaine: If that isn’t marketing to children I don’t know what is.

What I do know is snorting things in general is bad for you, don’t do it! Especially, don’t snort powdered sugar candy like Pixie Stix. It might seem like fun because all the other kids are doing it, but just say no! Trust me… just say no to the Pixies *sob*

Pixie Stix

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Pixie Stix Being Snorted

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There are stranger and cooler things in this world than snorting candy. For example:

Glow in the Dark Mushrooms

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With the arrival of Japan’s rainy season, a mysterious type of green, glow-in-the-dark mushroom begins to sprout in Wakayama prefecture. The Mycena lux-coeli mushrooms, known locally as shii no tomobishi-dake (literally, “chinquapin glow mushrooms”), sprout from fallen chinquapin trees. As they grow, a chemical reaction involving luciferin (a light-emitting pigment contained within the mushrooms) occurs, causing them to glow a ghostly green. (Kiwipulse)

Luciferin is also on of the chemicals that causes fireflies to light up. I wish I had luciferin in my body. I would use it to convey messages to those around me. For example, if my boobs lightup that means: I’m horny. Wow, glow in the dark boobs would be cool. I would sooooo be the most popular person at a rave. While all the rest of the girls are trying to dance all sexy with their glowsticks, I’d just take my top off and go”That’s right bitches, they glow in the dark! Woooo woooo! Motorboat!” *brrrrrrrrrmmmm*

That last one is for my little friend who I saved in the time of the Bonbonas stool adventure. (The rest of you might not get it).

You know who has great green boobs? The starbucks mermaid, atleast the one that’s in Whitechapel in England. They put those burlesque nipple covers on her:

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and just FYI. The starbucks logo used to be different before it was taken over by the corporate devils. She used to have nipples and a bellybutton. But they changed the logo so that she wouldn’t offend people. Here’s how she used to look:

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Anyway, you know what I would really like to have: The paintball gun below. I’ve haven’t paintballed yet. But I know if I had this gun I’d kick-ass at it.

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Man, the insides of my ears itch like crazy! Would it be too inappropriate if I stuck my finger in there and gave them a good scratch? I mean if my cat can lick his balls then I should be able to stick my finger into my ears, right? Fine! I’ll just wait until I get home and use a q-tip. Gosh! You guys are so judgmental!

Anyway, since we started off on the topic of drug, we’ll end with it. Here’s a nice read from BileDuct (I can’t remember if I posted it before- my memory sucks: damn you Pixie Stix, DAMN YOUUUUUUUUU!)

 

This is Your Child on Drugs.

So I was watching TV the other day and saw a new Partnership for a Drug-Free America commercial. Actually I don’t think they’re called that anymore. They have some new 21st century name or something. Anyway, you know who I’m talking about. The commercial featured an average looking teenage boy doing a talking-head monologue that went something like this:

Hey teenager, are your parents watching this with you? Good. Have they talked to you about the drug ecstasy yet? No? They still think partying is about drinking beer, huh? They don’t know good kids just like you take ecstasy. They’ve never asked about the vitamins in your room or the glow-stick jewelry. Ecstasy can kill you and drugs are bad.

OK, I don’t think he actually said “drugs are bad”, but I forget how he wraps up.

Anyway, I just want to say thank God for this commercial! It’s high time parents were made aware of the drug ecstasy (not to be confused with the emotion ecstasy) and its inextricable link to glow-stick jewelry. Where there is glow-stick jewelry there is, without a doubt, ecstasy. Probably ketamine too.

But unfortunately, this commercial doesn’t go nearly far enough toward educating parents. Every drug out there has definitive warning signs, so as a public service I’m going to list them below.

By far, the biggest indicator of drug use in general is moodiness and rebelliousness in teenagers. Non drug using teenagers are perfectly happy, self-actualized individuals that have super relationships with their parents and their entire families. If your teenager shies away from family activities and seems to want to spend a lot of time out of the house or alone, seek counseling immediately.

If your teenager exhibits moodiness and rebellion, the music he or she listens to and the way they dress can help you determine exactly what drug they are addicted to. Generally speaking, if your child listens to the same music you listened to when you were young, it’s a safe bet they take the same drugs you did. Classic rock means marijuana and 80’s pop is a sure sign of cocaine.

Here are some specific warning signs that your child is in trouble with drugs and other nefarious activities.

Does your child wear baggy hip-hop clothing and listen to rap music?

Your child smokes crack.

Does your child wear tie-dyed t-shirts and listen to The Grateful Dead, Phish, Widespread Panic or Government Mule?

Your child smokes pot and takes LSD.

Does your child listen to The Velvet Underground or Nirvana?

Definitely heroin. If no track marks are evident, he or she shoots it under his toenails or eyelids.

Does your child listen to heavy metal music?

Methamphetamine.

Does your child listen to the blues?

Your child shot a man in Memphis.

Does your child listen to Marilyn Manson?

Your child worships The Devil and fucks dead kittens (unless your child is a girl, in which case she fucks live dobermans).

Does your child listen to techno dance music?

Ecstasy and ketamine again. That this was left out of the PSA described above is a huge disservice to paranoid parents.

Does your child wear ripped clothing, dye their hair funny colors and listen to punk rock?

Your child sniffs butyl nitrate and is probably bisexual, unless they are just a poseur.

Is your child a high-school cheerleader or football player?

You have nothing to worry about. Your child is a good old fashioned red blooded American alcoholic.

Does your child listen to 1940’s swing music by black bandleaders?

Your child smokes marijuana, but spells it “marihuana”.

Does your child lift weights?

Duh!! Steroids!! If your daughter lifts weights she probably also wolfs muff.

Is your child a teen starlet?

She smokes cigarettes and snorts cocaine.

Does your child wear Wranglers jeans, shirts with snap buttons and listen to country and/or western music?

Again, nothing to worry about. It’s only beer and Jack Daniels.

Does your teenage daughter spend much of her free time at the mall?

Your daughter sucks cock for money.

Does your teenage son spend much of his free time at the mall?

Your son sucks cock for free.

Does your child listen to Christian rock?

Your child is an idiot. They also have no taste and no friends.

Would your child rather spend time on the internet than watching TV?

This is huge. The best you can hope for is that your child is a geek. Other signs of geekdom include reading when not required to (especially science fiction), Monty Python and Dungeons and Dragons. Dungeons and Dragons is also a sure sign of Satanism, so seek immediate religious counseling and possibly exorcism.

If internet use is high but no symptoms of geekdom exist, there is only one other possibility. Your child is meeting middle-aged men in chat rooms then meeting them at the mall to have sex with them.

Does your teen seem nervous around the opposite sex?

Your child is homosexual.

While the temptations facing teens in the 21st century are many, by familiarizing yourself with the warning signs and remaining vigilant, you can save your children. If your child exhibits any of these warning signs, they should be institutionalized at once.

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Quote of the Day:

“You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.” – Rowan Atkinson.

 

 

 

 

 

Ladies and gentleheathens! Step right up to the new edition of The Chronicles of Random. Today we’re going to start off with the wonderful topic of relegion. Specifically, shi-aights! and sunnis.

Let me give you some background on me first so that you know that I am not genetically or environmentally biased to either side. I am a half-blood. That’s right, i said it: I’m half shiite and half sunni.

Shocked? If you aren’t, good. But most typically Kuwaiti people get a confused look on their face and they look at me like some sort of mutant. It’s really funny.

Now, let me clarify, I am technically shiite (because daddykins is). Do I really believe that Shiite are better than Sunnis? Or that one is more true or correct than the other?

Nope: It’s all essentially the same crap. That’s right I said crap. I’m going to hell. I mean please people, do you really think because you pray to God 10 minutes early or late (depending on which side you’re on), that God will smite you? Who are you kidding? God is supposed to be merciful and great and only strikes the wicked. If he is evil and retarded enough to judge me on silly things like a 10 minute lag, how I wear a hijab (and if I wear one at all), how can I respect Him as a great being and pray to him?

Would you pray to a God that is evil and spiteful? I wouldn’t. If you do, well, you’re essentially praying to the devil. You satanist!

The God I pray to is good, kind, merciful, understanding, and knows the core of all of his creatures. And he knows that I am essentially good and caring. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Offended? Good. I want to offend both parties. Because you’re both as retarded as each other- and yet you’re both convinced you’re the best. Do you really think God is going to give you a gold star and put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on your hand for hating your fellow brethren and completely believing you’re the shit because somebody “told you so”. Fuck that!

Now, let me tell you my experience on being Shiite: There’s discrimination (it exists) and some sunni people feeling threatened if you talk about your side of religion (it’s kind of like a negro talking to a polite white supremacist today: it shows that the white supremacist is disturbed by the negro and what he’s saying but he doesn’t want to say anything- atleast not to the negro’s face).

Anyway, there’s a bunch of crappy things that some Shiite people do: i.e. flagellation and self-mutilation. Which is so stupid. And you don’t even have to be Shiite to do that. A bunch of other religious factions believe in faith through pain. So you’re not special. Another thing is, do you really think you’re not bringing anybody back from the dead by creating such a ruckus? I very much doubt Al-Hasan or Al-Husain give a rat’s ass that you’re beating yourselves for them? They’re probably shaking their heads and thinking “idiots”.

On the other hand there are some kick-ass pros to being Shiite rather than being Sunni.

  1. Can get married without your father’s approval
  2. Can inherit all of your parent’s money if you’re an only daughter. As opposed to being Sunni, where you’re male cousins get their grubby hands on some of the moola.
  3. You can watch people be buried and go to the cemetery, even if you’re a girl. My understanding is in the Sunni cemetery (separate cemeteries- how fucked up), if you’re a girl, you can’t go in – or you can only go on specific days.

So basically, being Shiite is better for you (in terms of rights), if you’re a girl.

Anyway, I want to know what you all think about the whole Shi3a, Sunna thing, or if you even think about it at all. Comments people! Comments!

PS: I wasn’t raised a shii3i or sunni: Actually, funny story- as a kid, whenever I heard people say shii3i or sunni I always thought it was a soccer team like qadsawi or 3arbawi. Seriously! I never new there were two Islamic factions until I was way older. So then how was I raised, as in what was I raised to be?

Simple: I was raised to be a good person. Which is more than I can say for alot of people out there.

Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Just be a good person. That’s what God wants you to be.

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On a lighter note: PICTURE TIME! And they’re of animals. Yay!!!!!!!!

Alpaca

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Angora Rabbit- fuzzzzzzzzzzzzzy!

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Axolotl

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Aye Aye

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Blobfish

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Dumbo Octopus

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Emperor Tamarin – Loving the beard!

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Frill-NeckedLizard- Like the one in Jurassic Park!

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Hagfish

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Komondor Dog- He’s jumping.

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Narwhal

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Proboscis Monkey

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Red Panda

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Star-Nosed Mole

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Sucker-Footed Bat

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Sunbear-AKA Dogbear

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Tapir

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Tarsier

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White-Faced Saki Monkey

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Yeti Crab

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I was on the phone with Tooomz and from that conversation comes the quote of the day:

Me: Why aren’t you listening to me?

Tooomz: “I’m reading about the troubles of Britney Spears”

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Note: Flippy died. And I’m really really sad. I feel guilty. He seemed to be getting better. So I didn’t take him to the vet. I should have taken him to the vet. :( *sob*

I’d hit that….

August 15, 2007

Its amazing how people can change with a good haircut. For example, Milo Ventimiglia (the man-nurse that absorbs people’s powers in Heroes). I first saw him in Gilmore Girls (which sucks as a show BTW). He looked crappy. Kinda gay. In Heroes he looked a little better (more mature ‘n’ crap) but he still had that gay emo haircut that made him look like ickypoo.

Other people thought he was hot. My thought was “Yeah, I’d hit that….with a stick”. But now that he’s gotten a haircut he looks pretty damn good. Now, I’d hit that. PERIOD.

BEFORE

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AFTER

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Yummy! Now, ofcourse you all have to get some kind of lesson out of this. So what’s today’s lesson? Well, today’s lesson is in etymology. We will be exploring the phrase “I’d hit that”, which I just used above.

As you all probably know: it is phrase, commonly used by males, meaning “I would like to have sex with that person”.

What you probably don’t know, which I didn’t know until a second ago is:

 

The phrase “I’d hit that” has now come to refer to an individual’s stated desire to perform sexual relations with a (typically McDonald’s) hamburger.

Background: An unfortunate McDonald’s advertising campaign, circa early 2005, developed under the assumption that the use of urban lexicon might appeal to a previously underrepresented demographic, i.e., the burger-fetishists.

“Double Cheeseburger? I’d hit it. I’m a Dollar Menu guy.”

I got that from the Urban Dictionary BTW.

My reaction to that is: REALLY? People have sex with McDonald’s hamburgers? Damn! I mean, why a hamburger? Why not a McDonald’s Apple Pie or their new salads? I just don’t get it. And would they talk dirty to it? “Yeah baby, I’m gonna do you better than any grill you’ve ever been on!” Loool. And towards the end he’d go “Get ready baby. I’m ketchuping! I’m KETCHUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGG! UUUUUUUUUGGHHHH!!”

Loooooool….. that is so disgusting! It’s so sick and disgusting that it’s freaking hilarious!
There is a possibility that that whole sex with hamburgers definition isn’t even true, but I’d better stop saying it, just in case. I don’t want people thinking I have sex with McDonald’s hamburgers. I mean if I’m going to have sex with any hamburger it’s going to be with the one at Gaucho. Why? Because everybody knows; Argentinian meat is bigger and better!

Damn, I’m on a roll today! All of you are probably completely grossed out by now, which is a plus for me. I love messing with people. Calm down now. You at least learnt something new today, right? Yeah, you did. So be grateful bitches!

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Let’s switch to another topic: Hoverboards.

I’ve always wanted a hoverboard, not since Back to the Future, but since The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest. Those hoverboards were kick-ass! And guess what?

“Professor Ulf Leonhardt and Dr Thomas Philbin, from the University of St Andrews in Scotland found a way to reverse the Casimir effect, making it repel instead of attract. Soon frictionless nanomachines will having moving parts below your feet to propel you as far away from Biff as your heart desires.”

That’s right! Hoverboards-Coming soon!!!! For more info check out:

BustAChange

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Man, there are so many good things to post about, but I don’t want to overwhelm you, so: Its time for pictures!

 

Here piggy piggy! Suuuuuuweeee!

(The resemblance is striking)

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Actual Sign

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Oh Shit! Ouuuuuuchhhh!

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So true….

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PS: Do you guys think the font is too small? I do. How do I change it? Tekmology is komplimicated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Semi-Normalcy

August 14, 2007

I’m back to being semi-normal. I was just having a shitty day yesterday. Anyway, I’m back.

I’m sorta busy today so lets go straight to the funny stuff:

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This next one is for Chirp and Tooomz:

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And this last one has to do with the pillowig that I posted about a little bit ago (which was basically a pillow you could wear like a hat). And Skunk said “if you did a local pillowig,….you could have a whole sleeping bag attached to a burqa! ka-fucking-ching!”

Well Skunk, it turns out ka-fucking-ching indeed! Check-out what I found was aready invented and on sale:

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Isn’t that completely kick-ass? I soooo need to get one. Finally! I’m going to be the coolest chick on the block when I wear this!

Eh…. Whatever

August 13, 2007

I’m kinda feeling down today… its a long story…. and not one for today. *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh*

So to cheer myself up I’ve been looking at retarded comics. But I don’t think that’s enough…. I need to go to Marina and watch some geezy guy get kicked in the balls for ta7arashing with the wrong girl. But chances are that’s not going to happen.

Just thinking about it maybe happening makes me a little bit happier. *grin*

Anyway here:

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Flippy

August 12, 2007

Hullo! Hullo!

I’m back to the drudgery I have concluded is masked unemployment. And so I’m back to trying to entertain myself by entertaining you all.

First, let’s talk about “No woman, No cry”. Now, as you all know, or you should know: Bob Marley was a divine prophet who’s songs are complex. He spoke mostly of love, peace, Rastafari (everything from Jah to Zion), struggle against oppression, and ofcourse the Lord’s good herb.

The meanings of his songs are disputed. But here’s pretty much what I think “No woman, no cry” means: It’s a song about the hard life in the ghetto and the struggle therein. And “No woman, no cry” means to me that no woman in the ghetto should be sad and cry. Or he could be telling one specific woman not to cry (his wife Rita). Another viable possibility is that the woman is the Queen of England and Bob was saying if she (ie. the British) wasn’t there would be no suffering. The only reason I say this is because alot of Bob’s songs are political on a level. But I think that in the context of this song the first two explanations are more suitable.

But it doesn’t mean that you’re better off not having a woman.

Anyway, the reason I was asking was because a friend and I were debating people’s thoughts on the song so I thought I’d get your input. Thanks y’all because I won the argument! Yay! Free beers all around!

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Anyway, I want you suggestion on something else… The other day I was going into my house when I saw this poor bird/pigeon flipping and rolling around in the garden. Now this wasn’t the La-Di-Da “let’s frolic and romp in the grass” type of flipping, there was something wrong with this bird. So of course I had to rescue it. The poor thing can’t eat or drink itself and so I have to hand feed it (which is really time-consuming, this thing as a really tiny beak).
Anyway, I’ve decided to call the bird Flippy unless you can suggest a better name. So can you? Can you?!

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Here’s something funny for you:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch.”

Prophet’s life lesson of the day:

Don’t Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant

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Now, I’ve always been a thinker and a philosopher. Now that I’ve graduated from college, I’ve been thinking more and more about the meaning of my life and what I’m supposed to do with it. I try to lead a full, peaceful life and yet I have this aching fear within me. It’s a fear I can’t quite put my finger on. I figured out what part of my fear is thanks to the brief flash video: Life and Music.

http://www.coldhardflash.com/2007/07/flash-animated-philosophy-from-south.html

And so I’ve discovered that I’m terrified going to miss the music because of all of the “should”s and “cant”s that are imposed on, and weighing down, upon me. *deep sigh*

I know, I know, I’m so deep. Anyway, the other philosophy flash film I like is “I”:

http://www.freshminds.com/animation/alan_watts_i.html

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R. Kelly statue?

On a lighter note: I saw The Simpsons movie and The Bourne Ultimatum this weekend. I would recommend both. And with that I’m off, until tomorrow my white-out sniffing readers (I know you do it)!

Spiderpig, spiderpig…………

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