October 17, 2007
Owwww…. my toes hurt. *whine* Seriously my big toes hurt. I think I might have a mild case of ingrown nail. Not cool, I know, but it happens. Why do we have toenails anyway? We don’t really need them. I understand why we have fingernails. I mean, fingernails you can use to….ummmm….. pick your nose…. ummmm…. measure the perfect snort of cocaine and …. ummm…. ummm… remove stickers from things. See? Finger nails are useful. But toenails are pretty useless. You can’t really do any of that stuff with your toenails (well, I guess you technically could if you’re really flexible). But for the most part, toenails are just an annoyance. So, I’ve decided to get my toenails removed . Okay, so maybe I won’t get them removed but I want to because toenails suck ass.
You know what else is wrong with the human body? We’re missing tails. I want a tail. A nice long furry tail that I can cuddle with when I’m going to sleep. A nice long tail that I can play with when I’m lonely. A tail that I can hug when I’m crying. *sob* Oh, I’m sooo lonely! *wail*
Just kidding, but seriously, having a tail would be awesome. It would keep flies and mosquitoes away from you. You could smack people in the face with your tail when they annoy you and then say “Oh, that silly tail has a mind of its own!”. So many things to do once you have a tail! The possibilities are endless!
Oh, hold on, I’ve got some work to do. Actual work. Credit division work…. sweet!
Damn you guys, this work looks like its going to take a while…. we’re going to have to finish this tomorrow.
BTW: WordPress saved this post as #769. Which is weird, I haven’t written that many posts have I? Go and count them, will you? Let me know how many I have. C’mon, chip chop! Snippity snap!
September 11, 2007
You know, as kids you watch cartoons, not really knowing what’s going on (because you’re so innocent). I know more about the cartoons I used to watch now that I’m grown up, you know, like the fact that He-Man was gay. Alot of people never really think about it, but I do. So I thought I’d enlighten you with a short explanation of Scooby Doo:
Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show was really all about. As I’ve gotten older, it has become more clear to me what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine.
What We Remember:
Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort–and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.
Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychodelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve a mystery.
It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence…
Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current ‘grunge’ scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a ‘burner’, i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.
And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his ‘high’ from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.
The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world–they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however..
Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go ‘solve the case’ by themselves. It’s no real mystery what these two are really doing–they’re getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.
And what about Velma? Everyone’s least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality. Where do you thing Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.
So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slangin’ dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and fucking their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect ‘hit’.”
All you consumers out there probably know how retarded customer service is. And all of you that actually deal with customers and clients know how retarded they can be. The story below scores one idiocy point for the customer service team:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and The Bank billed her for February March for their annual service charges on her credit card, added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance of $0, is now somewhere around $60. A Family Member placed a call to The Bank.
Here is the exchange:
Family Member: “I am calling to tell you she died in January.”
The Bank: “The account was never closed, and the late fees charges still apply.”
Family Member: “Maybe you should turn it over to collections.”
The Bank: “Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
The Bank: “Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the bureau. Maybe both !”
Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?” (I really liked this part !!!!)
The Bank: “Excuse me?”
Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you? The part about her being dead?”
The Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” !
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you she died in January.”
The Bank: “The account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply.” (This must be a phrase taught by The Bank!)
Family Member: “Do you mean you want to collect from her estate?”
The Bank: (stammering) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member: “No, I’m her great-nephew.”
The Bank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
Family Member: “Sure.” (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
The Bank: “Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”
Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great ! If not, you could just keep billing her. I really don’t think she will care.”
The Bank: “Well, the late fees charges do still apply.”
(What is wrong with these people??!!)
Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”
The Bank: “Yes, that will help.”
Family Member: ” Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
The Bank: “Sir, that is a cemetery!”
Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!
Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Don’t make promises you have no intention of keeping.
Xin Liangkun, 53, of Dalian city, created an unique five layered ball in 10 years. He created the ball such that each of the five balls can turn inside without touching the others. In a television documentary he claimed that no one could reproduce the ball.
“This ball was my first piece, and only I understand how it was made,” he told a television documentary. “If anyone can reproduce it, I’l give him my three-storey building, and the collections within it.”
But young porcelain amateur from Luoyang city, Sun Zheng, created the exact same thing in six month.
Promise is promise but it was not easy for Xin to hand over his home and his prized porcelain collecion. He tried to prove that the replica wasn’t similar to the one he created but unsucessfully.
A court ruled that Xin’s TV pledge has the same validity as a signed contract, and must be fulfilled.
If Xin does not appeal within 15 days he will lose his Â£100,000 three-story home and his prized porcelain collection.
I think that’s enough writing fortoday. I don’t want to overload your sensitive brains. Soooooo… it’s comic and picture time!!!!!!!!!!
Well, actually, just a couple of more words… to introduce the first comic: I hate people that constantly type in shitty IRC language. It’s okay to use ‘u’ instead of ‘you’ but don’t overdo that shit. Its really sad when people lose their ability to communicate properly like a human being, and yet they don’t realize that they’re slowly reducing themselves to animal level. Why don’t you just grunt instead of talk? That’s what ultimately what you’re going to do, you apes. You developed proper language skills for a reason retards.
This last one reminds me to remind you to remind me to
post about aliens and ‘judgment day’
(It’s a GIF so wait for it….)
NOTE: Has anybody heard of Balls of Fury and does anybody know if a pirated copy is out?
September 6, 2007
You know, when I tell somebody a problem or complain about something I don’t want want to be criticized. I want to be comforted, I want you to curse the source of my problem. I don’t want you to zif me. You’re not helping me whatsoever, you’re just stressing me out.
Let me explain to you more clearly what I’m talking about:
I hate my job, you know that. Most of the work I get, when I get it, is super retarded. TIMMY! For example, today, all I’ve been doing is changing the color schemes and formats on power point presentations. What the fuck? I didn’t get a degree from a top 20 business school to do shit I learnt to do in middle school computer class. I hate it! God-fucking-damnit!
I know that I shouldn’t be here. The only reason I am here is because I have nothing better to do. Atleast that was before. Now, I want to start studying for the GRE and filling out applications…etc. So now, I want to quit. Now, this is all nothing really new. What annoys me about it are my parents. What do my parents have to do with it? They are soooo unhelpful. Okay, I never expected them to be helpful, but atleast don’t put me down.
So my mother calls me today, at work…
Prophet (P): I hate my job, I hate it. I want to quit. Seriously. I want to quit today.
Mumsy (M): Don’t be in such a rush! Why are you in such a rush?
P: I have to study and apply for graduate programs. The application is due October 1st.
M: So? Study at work.
(Now this is theoretically a good idea, except there is no way I can study in this atmosphere and they do give me work to do – really retarded work-but it’s still time consuming.)
P: I can’t, I do things around here, stupid shit, but I do things nonetheless.
M: Tell them you’re not going to do that shit anymore!
P: What? I can’t just say I’m not going to do the work they assign me anymore and sit on my ass. The way you say “I’m not going to do this shit anymore” is quit!
M: No, its your fault for doing the stuff they give you. You should’ve told them the minute they give you that shit to do that you wouldn’t do it!
(The above statement is probably slightly true, but what the fuck ma? you’re supposed to make me feel better not make me feel like crap. and besides you’re supposed to do what your boss tells you, right? I mean he didn’t ask me to scrub the toilets, he asked me to do the only shit they have to do around here: which is pretend to work by changing the colors on things)
P: I’m not the only one that does this shit. This what people do here!!!!
M: *blah blah blah*
P: Ma, you’re not getting my point… *blah blah blah*
P: God damnit! Fine ma! Fine! I’ll talk to you when I get home. Bye.
*tear my hair out of my head*
Everytime I talk to my mom about anything she drives me insane!!!!!
I’m so pissed. And I know why: because I have to keep quite and be respectful and keep it all in (I can’t just shut the phone). One day, I swear to God, I’m going to kill somebody because I’m so frustrated. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I really want to scream but I’m still at work: GOD DAMNIT!
There are shooting pains in my head and my arms; I think I might be having a heart attack.
Okay… fine, I’m not. But one day I will. I don’t need all this stress.
All this stress and you want me to quit smoking?
Anyway, not everything in life is bad. I know one thing that good. Rainbows? No! Tampons? No!……. the new iPods!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!
iPod Hero: Touch me baby… yeah..like that…
iPhone (left) iPod (right)
iPod Classic: Much slimmer and holds up to 160 GB!
Renovated iPod Nanooooooooo
A couple of other kick-ass stuff:
Spaceport America (as in “interplanetary travel”)
Simpson’s House (it’s real)
Spy Sunglasses – I want!
Quote of the Day:
“Tooomz is the one that makes the boys cry.” – Chirp
September 5, 2007
Since I’ve been posting about my cat I might as well let you know what’s going on in his life. As some of you may know, Chirp has a female cat. And she wants my Fahood to sire her kittens. I just want him to screw her cat and enjoy himself (I’m sorry Chirp, but my cat has commitment issues, but they’ll always stay friends).
I’ve been debating with myself whether I should let him romp around but then cruelly take that pleasure away from him (his balls are going to be removed). After much debate, I decided I’d let him meet Chirp’s cat and see what happens (honestly what I wanted to happen was for him to mount her and I’d videotape the whole thing and call it…. ummm… fuck fest ’07- and then I could sell the tape as porn and make some money off of it). I think people in Kuwait with buy it right? I mean the retarded sexually-frustrated guys in Kuwait would buy anything labeled “fuck fest” right? And even if they find out it’s cat porn (I wonder if such a thing exists), once I explain some things to them I’m sure they’d buy it. Here are some things you should know about cat husbandry (mating and breeding) that will definitely tempt you to buy my cat porn:
1. Male tomcats have barbed penises. What is a barbed penis? Watch my cat porn to find out!
(The barbed penis helps stimulate ovulation FYI)
2. When the deed is done and the tomcat withdraws, the female lets out a really loud cry. Is it a cry of pain (from the barbed penis perhaps?) or a cry of pleasure? Watch my cat porn and judge for yourself!
3. Copulation (the process of fucking-for all you laymen) occurs many times when the female is in heat. Therefore the video is going to be long: more bang for your buck!
4. Females will mate with multiple partners if given the chance. If impregnated, the kittens she has, even though they are in the same litter, may be from different fathers. If Chirps cat mates with other cats, I will add a special feature to my cat porn:
” After the fact: Who my baby daddy?” Featuring Maury Povich. In this segment all the kittens will undergo DNA testing to find out who is the father.
When one of the kittens is proven to be from another father my cat is going to go “I told you bitch! I told you! Whateva! Whateva! Huh!” *does the moonwalk*. Well, actually, he’d probably just go “Meow” and then lick his crotch area.
So after hearing all that, you’d be tempted, atleast a little, to buy my cat porn, right?
Anyway, all my dreams were shattered when my father forbade the meeting of my and Chirp’s cat. I think it was because it would be cruel to give Fahood that kind of pleasure and then have it taken away, but he wouldn’t really discuss it. My mom said “Eeeee! I7na ma 3indina sbayyan yit3arafon 3ala banat oo hal kharabeet! lol”.
And so the love between the two cats has been forbidden.
In retrospect, as much as I would enjoy marketing cat porn, my parents are right. It would be cruel to take away such a pleasure from any creature once it’s known to him. Forgetting the cat porn, the real reason I wanted my cat to “do it” was because my brother would constantly tease my cat with “You’re gonna die a virgin! Nananana!”, which I know my cat doesn’t understand, but I do, and I know I wouldn’t want to die a virgin. So what do you all think? Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
Wow, its amazing how I can turn things like cat porn into something so deep. I’m so awesome *hug myself*.
A cat doing a ferret – I think its considered rape
Here are a couple of random pictures for all of you:
From the Internet
Trying to put the old pics up again:
August 16, 2007
Ladies and gentleheathens! Step right up to the new edition of The Chronicles of Random. Today we’re going to start off with the wonderful topic of relegion. Specifically, shi-aights! and sunnis.
Let me give you some background on me first so that you know that I am not genetically or environmentally biased to either side. I am a half-blood. That’s right, i said it: I’m half shiite and half sunni.
Shocked? If you aren’t, good. But most typically Kuwaiti people get a confused look on their face and they look at me like some sort of mutant. It’s really funny.
Now, let me clarify, I am technically shiite (because daddykins is). Do I really believe that Shiite are better than Sunnis? Or that one is more true or correct than the other?
Nope: It’s all essentially the same crap. That’s right I said crap. I’m going to hell. I mean please people, do you really think because you pray to God 10 minutes early or late (depending on which side you’re on), that God will smite you? Who are you kidding? God is supposed to be merciful and great and only strikes the wicked. If he is evil and retarded enough to judge me on silly things like a 10 minute lag, how I wear a hijab (and if I wear one at all), how can I respect Him as a great being and pray to him?
Would you pray to a God that is evil and spiteful? I wouldn’t. If you do, well, you’re essentially praying to the devil. You satanist!
The God I pray to is good, kind, merciful, understanding, and knows the core of all of his creatures. And he knows that I am essentially good and caring. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Offended? Good. I want to offend both parties. Because you’re both as retarded as each other- and yet you’re both convinced you’re the best. Do you really think God is going to give you a gold star and put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on your hand for hating your fellow brethren and completely believing you’re the shit because somebody “told you so”. Fuck that!
Now, let me tell you my experience on being Shiite: There’s discrimination (it exists) and some sunni people feeling threatened if you talk about your side of religion (it’s kind of like a negro talking to a polite white supremacist today: it shows that the white supremacist is disturbed by the negro and what he’s saying but he doesn’t want to say anything- atleast not to the negro’s face).
Anyway, there’s a bunch of crappy things that some Shiite people do: i.e. flagellation and self-mutilation. Which is so stupid. And you don’t even have to be Shiite to do that. A bunch of other religious factions believe in faith through pain. So you’re not special. Another thing is, do you really think you’re not bringing anybody back from the dead by creating such a ruckus? I very much doubt Al-Hasan or Al-Husain give a rat’s ass that you’re beating yourselves for them? They’re probably shaking their heads and thinking “idiots”.
On the other hand there are some kick-ass pros to being Shiite rather than being Sunni.
- Can get married without your father’s approval
- Can inherit all of your parent’s money if you’re an only daughter. As opposed to being Sunni, where you’re male cousins get their grubby hands on some of the moola.
- You can watch people be buried and go to the cemetery, even if you’re a girl. My understanding is in the Sunni cemetery (separate cemeteries- how fucked up), if you’re a girl, you can’t go in – or you can only go on specific days.
So basically, being Shiite is better for you (in terms of rights), if you’re a girl.
Anyway, I want to know what you all think about the whole Shi3a, Sunna thing, or if you even think about it at all. Comments people! Comments!
PS: I wasn’t raised a shii3i or sunni: Actually, funny story- as a kid, whenever I heard people say shii3i or sunni I always thought it was a soccer team like qadsawi or 3arbawi. Seriously! I never new there were two Islamic factions until I was way older. So then how was I raised, as in what was I raised to be?
Simple: I was raised to be a good person. Which is more than I can say for alot of people out there.
Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Just be a good person. That’s what God wants you to be.
On a lighter note: PICTURE TIME! And they’re of animals. Yay!!!!!!!!
Angora Rabbit- fuzzzzzzzzzzzzzy!
Emperor Tamarin – Loving the beard!
Frill-NeckedLizard- Like the one in Jurassic Park!
Komondor Dog- He’s jumping.
White-Faced Saki Monkey
I was on the phone with Tooomz and from that conversation comes the quote of the day:
Me: Why aren’t you listening to me?
Tooomz: “I’m reading about the troubles of Britney Spears”
Note: Flippy died. And I’m really really sad. I feel guilty. He seemed to be getting better. So I didn’t take him to the vet. I should have taken him to the vet. :( *sob*
August 12, 2007
I’m back to the drudgery I have concluded is masked unemployment. And so I’m back to trying to entertain myself by entertaining you all.
First, let’s talk about “No woman, No cry”. Now, as you all know, or you should know: Bob Marley was a divine prophet who’s songs are complex. He spoke mostly of love, peace, Rastafari (everything from Jah to Zion), struggle against oppression, and ofcourse the Lord’s good herb.
The meanings of his songs are disputed. But here’s pretty much what I think “No woman, no cry” means: It’s a song about the hard life in the ghetto and the struggle therein. And “No woman, no cry” means to me that no woman in the ghetto should be sad and cry. Or he could be telling one specific woman not to cry (his wife Rita). Another viable possibility is that the woman is the Queen of England and Bob was saying if she (ie. the British) wasn’t there would be no suffering. The only reason I say this is because alot of Bob’s songs are political on a level. But I think that in the context of this song the first two explanations are more suitable.
But it doesn’t mean that you’re better off not having a woman.
Anyway, the reason I was asking was because a friend and I were debating people’s thoughts on the song so I thought I’d get your input. Thanks y’all because I won the argument! Yay! Free beers all around!
Anyway, I want you suggestion on something else… The other day I was going into my house when I saw this poor bird/pigeon flipping and rolling around in the garden. Now this wasn’t the La-Di-Da “let’s frolic and romp in the grass” type of flipping, there was something wrong with this bird. So of course I had to rescue it. The poor thing can’t eat or drink itself and so I have to hand feed it (which is really time-consuming, this thing as a really tiny beak).
Anyway, I’ve decided to call the bird Flippy unless you can suggest a better name. So can you? Can you?!
Here’s something funny for you:
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch.”
Prophet’s life lesson of the day:
Don’t Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant
Now, I’ve always been a thinker and a philosopher. Now that I’ve graduated from college, I’ve been thinking more and more about the meaning of my life and what I’m supposed to do with it. I try to lead a full, peaceful life and yet I have this aching fear within me. It’s a fear I can’t quite put my finger on. I figured out what part of my fear is thanks to the brief flash video: Life and Music.
And so I’ve discovered that I’m terrified going to miss the music because of all of the “should”s and “cant”s that are imposed on, and weighing down, upon me. *deep sigh*
I know, I know, I’m so deep. Anyway, the other philosophy flash film I like is “I”:
R. Kelly statue?
On a lighter note: I saw The Simpsons movie and The Bourne Ultimatum this weekend. I would recommend both. And with that I’m off, until tomorrow my white-out sniffing readers (I know you do it)!