Wooohoo! It’s Thursday bitches!!!!! I feel really good today. Even though I probably shouldn’t because somebody that works here just passed away yesterday. Allah yer7ama. And what’s really bad about it is what I thought when I first heard; “I wonder if they’ll give me his office”. I know, I know, I’m bad. But it isn’t my fault. First of all, the fact that I’ve been working here for 7 months and they still haven’t technically given me an office makes me feel that I need to take advantage of whatever opportunity comes my way. They’ve jaded me. I mean for God’s sake, I’ve been working here for 7 months and only today did they give me my own calculator. And I work in a motherfucking financial institution, a calculator is supposed to be the first thing you get. For 7 months I’ve been clicking away on my Windows calculator. I know I could’ve brought my own calculator, but I think that would’ve just increased my output and efficiency and they obviously don’t want that around here OTHERWISE THEY WOULD’VE GIVEN ME A FRIGGIN’ CALCULATOR.

Anyway, death and calculators aside, I feel pretty good today!

I think I would feel a little better if I ruin your days…. MUHAHAHAA!!! So I’m going to tell you a little story about myself and then lecture you (the lecture basically applies to females and some gay men):

People who know me know that I’m not exactly physically vain. i.e. I never ever put on tons of make up, most of the time I don’t wear any makeup at all, I don’t insist on wearing the latest fashions, I basically try to stay kinda simple and zen. A couple of months ago I got a huge lecture from a friend of mine basically stating: “Prophet! You’re a girl! You have to beautify yourself! You have to take care of your nails! Go get regular manicures!…etc.”

This girl’s nails are always manicured to perfection. They are always painted. Never a chip. She is more than a regular at the top nail places (N-Bar, N-Syle…etc.). And I have to admit her nails look good.

My nails aren’t bad. I always keep them clean, usually cut short, and I never bite them. I think they are okay. They’re normal.

Anyway, after her lecture, I think “Okay, how bad can it be? I’ll go to N-Bar every week or so”. Even though I hate being stuck in a chair for more than hour (I get butt-cramps).

Fast-forward a month or two. I start thinking: I’m not exactly into this, I don’t enjoy it getting it done, I’m trying to simply myself and my life not make it more complicated, why the hell am I doing this again?

So I decide I’m done with this whole getting manicures. If I want to paint my nails every once in a while I can do it myself. So that’s it I decide to take the polish off my nails. Lo and behold! My nails are yellowish! WTF? They were never like this! I look like I have freaking jaundice!

Basically, after researching it turns out nail polish tends to stain your nails. I was thinking, nail polish is basically a bunch of colors and chemicals that you are putting on your body, is staining really the worst of it? And guess what? It isn’t.

I’ll give you the summary of the worst of it: A chemical used in many nail polishes called DBP (dibutyl phthalate) which increases durability of nail polish has been shown to be a carcinogen and result in underdeveloped genitals and fertility problems in unborn males. So basically, it’ll increase your chances of getting cancer and your sons are going to have smaller dicks.

Now, I don’t want you to completely freak out, because at this moment there is still much debate concerning DBP. Lots of the companies that use it state that the amount the humans are exposed to is not enough to have these effects. Other environmental and consumer groups disagree. Anyway, there is research supporting both sides. The one thing that is undisputed is that your body does absorb the chemical. The long-term effects at this point are unclear.

So ladies, and gay men that get their nails polished, if you consistently polish your nails I truly think you are putting yourself at risk. Therefore don’t come complaining to me when your sons can’t please women, I warned you.

But don’t worry ladies! There is still hope for your vanity! Some cosmetics manufacturers have started making nail polish free of DBP. “Estee Lauder is among some major brands that have done that. But many others have not, including salon favorite OPI, cult fave Essie and ubiquitous bargain brand Sally Hansen. In 2004, OPI was forced to remove DBP from its polishes sold in Europe after the European Union banned it along with many other personal-care product ingredients known or strongly suspected of causing cancer, mutations or birth defects.”

Essie… Sound familiar? That’s right! Its that wonderful stuff they use at n-bar and n-style. Cancer, yum!

Now, some of you poor girls are probably sobbing in your seats, asking the question: “Why? Why Prophet? Why would companies sell what they know to be cancerous products? They wouldn’t, would they?”

My response is: Yeah they would retards! TIMMY! Why wouldn’t they? If it makes their product “better” and they could get away with it, why not? Do you remember how many years it took for the tobacco industry to admit that cigarettes were a carcinogen? Why should they admit to selling a dangerous product if it makes them billions? And, yes, they make billions upon billions. Thanks to the vanity of women the cosmetics industry is ONE OF THE MOST PROFITABLE INDUSTRIES on the planet.

Anyway, the power is yours!

Earth!
Fire!
Wind!
Water!
Heart!

GO PLANET!

With your powers combined I am Captain Planet!

Captain Planet, he’s our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
He’s our powers magnified,
And he’s fighting on the planet side

Captain Planet, he’s our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
Gonna help him put us under,
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder

“You’ll pay for this Captain Planet!”

(chanting)
We’re the planeteers,
You can be one too!
‘Cause saving our planet is the thing to do,
Looting and polluting is not the way,
Hear what Captain Planet has to say:

“THE POWER IS YOURS!”

What my co-workers have actually walked in on me doing

Haha! Just messin’ with ya!

Cool staple remover

2.% Mil euro guitar?…oh….

Good Idea. Bad Idea.

Hooray!

Who’s a good boy?

Disturbing children’s book 

My mom didn’t used to let me walk my dog because “it isn’t safe” it would’ve been more than safe if I had this dog…

Only in America

Mini-Video Time! In this one, a guy tries to snatch this tiny lady’s purse. But he gets owned! You go girl!!!

Video

 

PS: The crap make-up you put on your face can’t be that much better. According to an article I recently read in Bazaar magazine, women that apply makeup everyday absorb I think something like 4 lbs. of chemicals every year. SHASTY (Shitty and Nasty!!)!!!

 

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Post #769

October 17, 2007

Owwww…. my toes hurt. *whine* Seriously my big toes hurt. I think I might have a mild case of ingrown nail. Not cool, I know, but it happens. Why do we have toenails anyway? We don’t really need them. I understand why we have fingernails. I mean, fingernails you can use to….ummmm….. pick your nose…. ummmm…. measure the perfect snort of cocaine and …. ummm…. ummm… remove stickers from things. See? Finger nails are useful. But toenails are pretty useless. You can’t really do any of that stuff with your toenails (well, I guess you technically could if you’re really flexible). But for the most part, toenails are just an annoyance. So, I’ve decided to get my toenails removed . Okay, so maybe I won’t get them removed but I want to because toenails suck ass.

You know what else is wrong with the human body? We’re missing tails. I want a tail. A nice long furry tail that I can cuddle with when I’m going to sleep. A nice long tail that I can play with when I’m lonely. A tail that I can hug when I’m crying. *sob* Oh, I’m sooo lonely! *wail*

Just kidding, but seriously, having a tail would be awesome. It would keep flies and mosquitoes away from you. You could smack people in the face with your tail when they annoy you and then say “Oh, that silly tail has a mind of its own!”. So many things to do once you have a tail! The possibilities are endless!

Oh, hold on, I’ve got some work to do. Actual work. Credit division work…. sweet!

Damn you guys, this work looks like its going to take a while…. we’re going to have to finish this tomorrow.

BTW: WordPress saved this post as #769. Which is weird, I haven’t written that many posts have I? Go and count them, will you? Let  me know how many I have.  C’mon, chip chop! Snippity snap!

 

Okay people, now stay calm and don’t panic…. I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is that this webblog is at 96% capacity. Now the good news is…. ummm… uuuuhhh…. Oh God! I lied! I LIED! There is no good news! I’m doomed! This blog is doomed!!!!!!!! *hyperventilate** panic attack*

.

.

.

.

Okay, now that I’ve regained my regal composure I can explain the situation more clearly: WordPress gives me 50MB for this blog. Thanks to the tons of pictures and crap I put up I’ve already used up 96%. Now, lets stay calm and rational people. Shut up there! You in the corner! Stop your screaming! Calm down everbody! THERE ARE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE! But don’t worry I’m sure we can find a solution! I need the help all you experienced bloggers out there: What’s the best (and cheapest-I’m from the Hasaa region) way to keep this blog going? Buy a web address perhaps? Suggestions please people, otherwise this entire blog will continue sans pictures and comics. And that would be a tragedy.

Okay, so meanwhile we will have to sustain ourselves on biscuits and urine links. So here we go:

  1. World’s Largest Swimming Pool – This thing is amazing!
  2. A True Bad Ass – For some reason this seems familiar I might have posted about it before.
  3. If you’re going to die…
  4. Hollywood Squares
  5. Light Graffiti
  6. Now this last link is for all you guys out there. All you guys with your big muscles thinking you’re a man’s man and you’re tough. Everybody knows that what makes a real man is awesome facial hair and with that I give you: The 2007 World Beard and Moustache Championship!

That’s all for now. I know, I know, its just not the same without pictures. But all we can do is pray. Pray my children. Pray that God will send down upon us an IT blessing that will allow us to continue our small humor-filled breaks that take us away from our mundane lives if but for a moment. Pray my children. *whispers*: pray…..

*Siiiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhh*

October 8, 2007

Yeah, I know I haven’t posted in a week. I just don’t really feel like it. But the funny thing is I still haven’t even gone to buy an e-go yet. Yeah, I know, I’m lazy. Anyway, so I’m back to blogging from my office computer.

*Sighhh* I’m really tired you guys. I feel like my body and my mind are slowly breaking down. I’m tired all the time, my hand shakes alot, and I can barely think (let alone work). I get like this alot. Sometimes, I get better, sometimes I’m so tired I can’t move. I still haven’t figured out what’s wrong with me. I’ve been to a slew of doctors and they can’t figure out what’s wrong either. They always think its mono. Which its not cuz mama didn’t raise no whore. Secondly, its not because the mono test always comes out negative. I’ve also been tested for rare crap like lyme disease, which I’m also negative for. My thyroid function is also normal. I’m not sure how it is at this moment but about a year ago when I tested, I had I high SED rate. Even though I was technically not sick. The problem with having a high SED rate is that it indicates you have a problem but it doesn’t tell you what the problem is. Here are some possibilities:

  • Infection
  • Inflammatory diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus
  • Blood cancers, such as leukemia and lymphoma
  • Cancers that have spread (metastasized)

Let’s go through the list. First of all, infection: That’s a very general word. But I would say it isn’t an infection because I don’t have a fever. And everybody know infections=fever. Second, inflammatory diseases: I don’t know much about rheumatoid arthritis, so I guess that’s one possibility. As for lupus, well, “its never lupus”. Last, cancer: I sure hope I don’t have that but then again when I think of it I am at risk to get it (genetically and environmentally). But then again I doubt I have cancer because then my lymph nodes would swell up right?

Although there isn’t much to go on, I want you to play a game called “Diagnose the Prophet”. I want you to suggest a disease that I may have and why you think I have it… it’ll be fun (be creative people- and this is also an opportunity to learn something new). So c’mon, help me find out my disease.

My guess is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

______________

Yeah, I know those were complimakated medikal wurds. Don’t worry I won’t confuse you with any more (the piece above was for all you medical buffs, not TIMMY!). Anyway, on with the comics!

 

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Nephew

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Freak

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Bros

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Caps Lock

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Mini-Retarded-Video!

 

 

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Hi there kiddos!

I’ve been found out! My boss informed me today that I am the 2nd highest user of the internet of this wonderful institution (And where I work is pretty big). I think I should get an award. My boss doesn’t feel the same way. So anyway, I have to stop using the internet. But don’t worry I’m planning to bring my laptop to work from now on, with my own internet connection. And that way I can blog, watch porn, and work at the same time, and nobody can say a single thing to me! Hooray! Hooray!

So anyway chicos and chicas, I’m not going to be posting for a couple of days until I get things in order, ok?

Oh yeah, before I sign off, I have to tell you that along with the whole “don’t use the internet” conversation came me exposing Rafeek for the rat that he is. Basically, not much came from it. He was just told not to do it again. But while he was being “told off” I was sitting right there staring at him with the an expression on my face that conveyed the message “Whatcha gonna do now, bitch!”. That makes it soooo worth it.

Can you read that Rafeek? You spying motherfucker! Don’t fucking touch my computer again! I’ll break your stubby little fingers, you bastard! And you know how I’ll do it? I’ll walk in and see you typing, grab the keyboard from under your fingers, and using the keyboard I’m gonna smash those stubby little fuckers into pulp! Pulp, motherfucker! Pulp! Pulp so fine I’m gonna drink that shit when I’m done! *I spit at you*

Oh yeah, I’m not getting the office I told you guys about, fucking red tape. So what if “new senior management” is being hired? What the hell does that mean? “New senior management” my ass. Just because they get paid more and work more than me doesn’t make them more valuable than me. Well, then again, I guess it does, but I provide this place with laughter and happiness, and you can’t put a price on that *sob*.

Anyway, its time for me to go, those internet minutes just keep racking up (hmmm…. maybe if I get 1st place they’ll give me a cake….Mmmm…cake….)

Goodbye my children, see you in a little while.

 

 

Ninja Chicken

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Good One, Dad

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Interview Tip

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Fundies!

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It was too late before they realized….

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Twin Fun

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Bands that Rock

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No fucking teddy bears!

September 27, 2007

Meh…. I don’t really feel like posting. But its 1:12 PM and I have a good hour and fifteen minutes to kill. I’ve been trying to plan my little sister’s 21st birthday party looking for venues and DJs online (she’s in the US). What she doesn’t know, is that I’m also planning to hire some bodyguards to attend the party. Some of you might be thinking well “then she can’t go completely wild! That’s not fair, you got a bodyguard-free 21st”. And you are completely right! But there are somethings you need to know. First, I don’t want her going wild (even though she is 10 times more sane than me). Also, my 21st birthday was bodyguard-free but it was also party-free. It was horrible. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life *sob*. Seriously, it was really traumatic. I was still in college but back in Kuwait for the summer. I was given a cake and a teddy bear. A fucking teddy bear!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I don’t expect my parents to give me a bottle of vodka or anything. But a fucking teddy bear? I was so traumatized. It was my 21st….. so sad. Ever since then I have this 3iqda, I have to have a crazy birthday party every year, or atleast a decent one. No fucking teddy bears!

My 22nd was amazing, I’d decided that “fuck everyone, I’m giving myself an amazing party”. I went out and rented a sushi bar/ restaurant for one night. Complete with dancefloor and DJ. And being a sushi bar, there was a long ass u-shaped bar where the bartender served drinks to everyone. It was so much fun. One of my best friends flew down from Miami, just for my birthday. Those were the days!

One of the things that distinctly sticks out from that night was my toast. I remember, a friend of mine said “Prophet, you’d really be the shit if you got everybody at the bar to drink a shot at the same time”.

Me: Watch this.

I proceeded to buy shots for everybody that was sitting at the bar (even some uninvited people that snuck in) and I told them not to drink it until I told them to (this part was hard- my friends are alcoholics that didn’t understand why I was making them wait to consume alcohol). After getting all the shots (I don’t even know how many they were- 30 maybe). I stood up on a stool, high above everybody, and gave my magnificent toast:

“To all you bitches and motherfuckers! This is for my motherfucking birthday! Drink up bitches!”

Looooooooooooooool! I think everybody was shocked at my toast but they all went wild nonetheless- cheers for the magnificent Prophet. Damn! Those were the good times!

Needless to say, I proved I am the shit! Yeah baby!

Anyway, back to our original topic. I want my sister to have an awesome 21st unlike mine that will forever be a blackspot in my heart. And anyway, I can get her a bodyguard because I’m going to be paying for the whole party, therefore its my decision.

Its 1:51 PM now. No I’m not a horribly slow typer. I’ve been having discussions with co-workers intermittently. Oh yeah, which reminds me, I’ve decided I’m going to talk to my boss about Rafeek and his wrong-doings. Homeboy’s going down! Actually, I can’t be sure of that, my boss might want to keep him seeing as he serves as his little spy. We’ll see. My skills of persuasion may be a little rusty, but I think I can cause a little stir. Muahahahahha!

This is completely me!

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Dance Seizure

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Sudoku

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Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

September 26, 2007

So I walk into work today, ready to start my web browsing ritual, when I notice I can’t login to my bloody computer. Somebody else had previously logged in and forgot to log out. The good thing is it displays the person’s name. The weird thing was it was our ex-secretary (Jenny) that got moved to another floor, why the hell would she have logged into my computer? And she would have had to have logged in after work hours yesterday (after I left), or before I got in this morning.

This required further investigation. So I go up to our new secretary (let’s call her Missy) and ask her about the situation and if I could get old secretary’s phone number. Missy tells me that Jenny gave the teaboy (Rafeek) her login name and password so he could fuck around whenever he was bored.

Oh really? Now let me tell you a little something about Rafeek. He is this little Indian (or Sri Lankan- same difference) dude who gives you attitude if you tell him to do something like bring you tea (which is his fucking job). He also conveniently “forgets” (ignores) to do half the shit you tell him to do, and if he does do it takes him a year. To make things worse, the little rat is a spy. Seriously, he spies for our boss, and constantly reports our activities to him. Anyway, as you can tell, I’m not a fan.

So anyway, I go to Rafeek and ask him straight up “Did you login to my computer?”.

Rafeek: *moments pause* No.

My initial thought is liar, liar, pants on fire! But I know better than to say that.

Prophet: Oh okay, so I’ll just go and ask Jenny if she came and logged into my computer. Before I do that, I’m going to ask you one more time: Did you login to my computer?

Rafeek: *puts his head down in shame- pretend shame because he has none* Yes.

Prophet: Come into my office and log out.

Rafeek proceeds to do as he is told, for the first bloody time in his life, and the following conversation ensues (I wish I could have told him what’s really on my mind but I’m trying to maintain the “I’m nice” image around here – which he has taken advantage of).

Rafeek: Ummm… I used it because sometimes management calls and they want something from the internet.

At this point your probably thinking what I was thinking (again liar liar) but this one is obvious. You are a motherfucking teaboy. And a retarded one at that. What management would call you to do shit, motherfucker? But I’m too polite to say that.

Prophet: Uh-huh. Yeah. I’m sure. But next time, you could ask my permission first, and when I ask you about it, you don’t lie to me.

Rafeek: *hangs head* okay.

I am way too fucking nice. But at this moment I own that motherfucker. From now on I command him. He’s a big liar, and now he knows that I know and I have proof and witnesses (Missy). If it wasn’t ramadan, I’d have told him to “get me tea! on the double! *finger snap*”. He’d probably spit in it, but that’s besides the point. I own you bitch, you’d better not disrespect me or else I will voice very loudly, and in a very embarrassing way for you, how your are a lying motherfucker.

________________

In more office news, I’m finally getting an office, a real office that’s just for me. Hoora! And I’m going to be so protective of it. Nobody sits and touches my shit. As in if I catch Rafeek touching my computer sitting on my chair I swear to God I’m going to try my utmost to have him fired. And I really think I will be able to. Just go to HR and tell them that the security of information in our division has been compromised, and there is major internal risk, because I’ve noticed people have been sharing their logins and passwords with unauthorized personnel (ie. Rafeek), which results in huge risk issues for this fine establishment. Such unauthorized personnel have access to confidential documents (the secretary worked for our GM) and could leak them to our competitors at any time. What a horrible scandal that would be if that happen! So I would request that Rafeek be fired (Jenny would probably be fired too- too bad she’s nice- but sacrifices must be made for the greater good). And also, in return for my silence- you know not causing a stir, I want a bigger office, a bonus, and I want to bring my cat to work.

I think they’d give me what I want (okay, well, maybe not the cat thing :( ). Or what I could do is threaten Rafeek with me ratting him out and make him my personal slave. “Rafeek, I need to put my feet up. No, no, don’t get me another chair. Get down on all fours. That’s right. Ahhhhhhhhh……”

So what do you think? Better salary or personal slave. Better salary is cool but you can’t put a price on slavery, that comes from black mail the heart.

______________________

Yeah, so you know, how I said I’ve lost my feelings? Well, as is proven from the story above, and as was pointed out by a friend, I still derive a small amount of pleasure from evil things. Maybe that means I’m going to become a serial killer… Hmmmmm *evil grin*.

____________________

On to the randomness!

First, a statement in relation to out first story. I quit red bull a while back because I realized I was just putting crap in my body that I didn’t need. I would drink two cans at work, in an attempt to stay awake. They I realized that there was no need to be alert (or concious at all for that matter) in this place. So anyway I quit Red Bull. But I wouldn’t have if I’d known this.

I have now decided to distribute red bull to everybody I know. FREE RED BULL FOR EVERYONE!

In other news, I thought this was a beautiful story. I need a pigeon. Something that would love me unconditionally. *sob* I’m so lonely. Lol.

Now, that I think of it, a pigeon is a bad choice. I could imagine me going. “I love you Tweety, you’re my bestest friend ever!” *cooo* * I bring Tweety closer to my face to kiss him affectionately* *Tweety pecks my eyes out- “The Birds” style*.

Birds are evil creatures and they carry the bird flu! Evil, evil creatures!

________________

 

Anyway, for those of you that care about your sneakers, your coolness, and your street cred, may care to know about the coolest ways to tie your shoelaces. Check it out!

_______________

And now it’s picture time! The first two pictures need an introduction. Before a big soccer match, an Argentinian condom manufacturer ran the upper (the first) advertisement, bragging about what Argentina would do to Brazil. After Argentina lost the game, the Brazilian football organization ran the lower ad.

 

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Bart dressed as a suicide bomber-

I like to call him Moh’d Jihad

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Halo 3 is out! I want!

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Mini-Retarded video time! These videos come with the title “types of music you shouldn’t let your cat listen to”. They really are retarded. I love the Stevie Wonder one because the cat moves the exact same way Stevie Wonder does when he sings, how evil!

 

Barry White

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Gansta Rap

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Heavy Metal

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House

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Techno / Electronica while on Ecstasy

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Stevie Wonder

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This is panning out to be a very lovely day indeed. I’m off then! Turrrrraaaaaaaaaa!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And you think I’m random….

September 25, 2007

I’m quite a random person…. but something even I though was random is this. I wanted to punch the monitor when I saw it. Shakoo?

Anyway, let’s talk about me. As most of you could tell, I’ve been pretty depressed for a while. But now that’s changed. I’m not depressed anymore. I’m nothing. I’m completely void of sadness and happiness. I’m empty, I’m numb. It’s quite an interesting feeling. I don’t know if this is a bad thing. I started off thinking it was because now I don’t really want to do anything, because whatever I do will not change the way I feel. But now I’m reconsidering the whole situation. Maybe its not so bad, okay so I’m not motivated to do a single thing, but atleast I don’t feel like crap. Its kind of blissful. Its like floating in outerspace. It’s kind of scary at first, very quiet, but now I think it may be a blessing. I’m thinking I may start calling it peace instead of emptiness. We’ll see how long my positive attitude will last….

I’m done with my personal confession of the day, so on with the show!

I’m going to put two comics up first. I wonder who they remind me of. hmmmm… Can you you guess?

 

 

This next one take your time reading it. So many weird people out there (I’m not even sure if its real anymore because its so freaky):

Personals

 

Freaky Double Eye

 

 

Don’t Do It!

 

Some more comics and then onto the mini-retarded videos. The first mini-retarded video is dedicated to someone special; you know who you are.

 

 

 

Ewww… Lol!

 

 

 

Can Crush- She’s such a lady….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Personal Favorite:

You cannot just walk into Mordor!

(watch it from the beginning, wait for the slide after the black one)

Quote of the Day:

” I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sucky Sucky, Five Dolla

September 18, 2007

Ahhhh…. yes…. how I wish I could go back to the days when I would walk around imitating Cartman as a Thai prostitute and go “Sucky Sucky, Five Dolla!” at random. Those were the good old days.

Anyway, my plan has failed. And no… I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, it seems that I’m going to be entertaining you with all things random for a while yet. Boo for me, yay for you.

Anyway, the otherday my brother and I were discussing how if we went to a typical suburban highschool in America, we would take it over. All the people there are horribly insecure and partially retarded. We’d be like Gods among men. I don’t mean going to highschool in Harlem, where somebody’d bust a cap in my ass. I mean one of those really typical all white highschools with like one token black dude, you know, like you see on TV. Atleast I used to think I could take over until I read the following and thought that could be me:

A 9 year old was thrown out of the back of her moving school bus after a struggle with another student on their trip home. Soon after the 9 year old pulled the DS Lite from her book bag it was taken by a 13 year old boy who ran to the back of the bus with it. When the girl tried to retrieve it the two began struggling for it in the back seat.

Reports released by the Pima County School Superintendent in Arizona said the older child was being beaten in the face repeatedly and felt his only escape was to open the buses rear emergency door and jump out. The child instead shoved the young girl out of the door with the bus traveling at approximately 15 mph. The girl was bruised and scraped up but had no major injures from the fall.

The boy has been temporarily suspended from their school and has the chance of being permanently expelled pending further investigation by the school board.

Loooool…. that really sucks… getting thrown out of a bus… the story is not especially interesting but I thought the picture that accompanied it made it funny:

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I’m really not in the mood to post but I promised somebody I would so I will. But in a lazy way- links!

I have a fear of heights. So it freaks me out to even think of doing this.

My world is different from everybody else’s, for many reasons. Sometimes my unstable life gets out of control and things get really crazy kinda like this (I really like the song- its by Weird Al)

What would it be like to see U2 perform an uber-classic song. Check it out.

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Its peeeeeeeeekture time! First up it a series of pictures that illustrates how to make something that’s going to provide hours of fun for you at the office. A special gift from me to you. Enjoy!

What you need:

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Let’s get started:

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Ready! Aim! Fire!

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Actual BBC response:

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Rollin’

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Pinky and the Brain

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Weeeeee….

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iPhone

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Jesus

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Comic:

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Transform!

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VikingPimp!

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Quote of the Day:

“You can’t be both Pro-Life AND Anti-Zombie.”

 

 

 

 

Yeah, take your bloody time!

September 16, 2007

Yeah, I’m posting again. I’m still at work. I can’t leave until I get word from HR. Despite the fact that their job is easy as hell, if they do anything at all that is, they take their bloody time.
You’d think a large financial institution would understand the value of time and speedy decisions, but noooooooooo…….. idiots.

And so, my entire world is on hold as I wait for HR.

I curse you HR. I curse you! May the fleas from a thousand camels infest your pubic hair!

Anyway, an important announcement:

Happy Birthday Chirp! This comic is for you:

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And with that out of the way…. it’s time for the radiology picture of the day:

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Luo Cuifen, 29 of Beijing, China, consulted doctors after noticing blood in her urine. Turns out she has 23 inch-long needles in her gut. Surgeons will now carefully remove the needles that allegedly were inserted by her grandparents who were hoping to kill her. From the Associated Press:

Many of the needles have worked their way into Luo’s vital organs including her lungs, liver, bladder and kidneys, making their removal difficult, said Qu Rui, a spokesman for the Richland International Hospital in Yunnan province’s capital, Kunming…

Qu said doctors believe the woman’s grandparents may have inserted the needles long ago, hoping she would die and her parents might have a boy in her place. China limits most families to just one child, although rural Chinese may be allowed to have a second if their first is a girl, subject to the payment of fines.

It wasn’t clear whether further investigations into the case were planned, with media reports saying Luo’s grandparents had already died.

__________________

Russian Posers- check out the link

Creepy Lenses – Link

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It’s random picture time! The first picture needs a brief introduction. You know those times when your sitting in your office and something’s just missing? Something that makes work so much more pleasant: Beer.

But where can you store your precious beer stock? A fridge in the middle of your office is very suspicious. Well thank God ladies and gents because some divine genuis out there created his thing:

beerfridge1.jpg

beerfridge2.jpg

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Seriously, God bless you brother, whoever you are.

Viagra Ad

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Pool – I’m not sure if I posted this one before

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Cool wedding photo!

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The bride who drank too much

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Looool

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Kung-Fu Kitty

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Quote of the Day:

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal. ” -Demetri Martin

And another one by Demetri Martin:

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

 

 

 

 

 

Aliens and Judgment Day

September 13, 2007

I told you that this day was possibly coming soon. It is a day when your whole world ends. Yes, my friends, it is judgment day: I’m finally leaving my job (I think-if today goes the way its supposed to).

Hush now little ones. Don’t shed any more tears. You don’t know whats going to happen. I might still post but I really don’t know anymore. I have decided, despite my parents disapproval, to try one last desperate attempt to follow my dreams. And so it is with that that I’m off to journey the unknown and unpaved path that I know is going to suck ass. But I have to try, I’ll regret it forever if I don’t.

With that farewell message to all of you out of the way, we can resume today’s post. As promised, it’s alien day!

Now, today’s post originates from some video that a friend of mine showed me that showed some UFOs flying over some place in Saudi. Now, I think he expected me to freak out, like my other friend who went “this is a sign that its judgement day, the world is coming to an end” or something to that effect.

Now, first of all, why would you believe that that video is real? Because its in Saudi? Are you insulting Saudi doctoring skills? Shame on you. Saudis are the best fakers. Just look at the double (hypocrisy-filled) lives they lead. Now, now, if you’re Saudi and offended by the comment I just made, I’m sorry *cough*- I’m sorry that you born in Saudi, its not your fault.

Second of all, so what if there are aliens? Pictures and videos of aliens have been around since forever. And so what? You’rejust nervous that things are going to change here on Earth. Maybe they’re coming to fix all the fuck-ups us humans have made ie. war with our own kind, global warming, famine in a world of abudancy. I think they should come and kill alot of us, just so that they kill off alot of the retards around. And then maybe, just maybe, when we are trying to rebuild our civilizations we’ll to it right this time.

And if they’re here just to blow things up for no reason and eat our human flesh, I’m up for the challenge. I would prefer to die in an epic battle to save the human race than die in a car accident (which is very likely here in Kuwait).

Third of all, which is really funny to me: when I told a co-worker about the whole alien video judgment day thing, she said: “Well, its possible, you know. When judgement day comes and people like Al-Mahdi, and Gog and Magog reappear we don’t know how they are going to appear and in what form.”

Seriously? As in, they are going to come back in spaceships in alien form? Loool… that’s just so funny to me. I guess it could happen maybe…. uh…. I guess… I mean I wouldn’t want to make fun of anybody’s relegious beliefs, now would I? I respect all relegions…. Hahaaha… see what I did there? Its called sarcasm…. get it? get it?

Anyway, what do you think? Do you think Jesus is going to come down from a UFO?

Anyway, check out the picture below, which people think is totally real. It’s supposed to be of an alien (possibly Al-Mahdi reappearing) and the people in the picture are freaking out.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

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Hahahaha!!!!! Man! I’m going to miss you guys. You’re so gullible!

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m going to go to hell. Saying all this shit on the first day of ramadan. But firstly, for Shia ramadan is tomorrow (yes! I’m saved by a technicality! Whew! That was a close one!) Also, since I’m Shia I can make fun of Al-Mahdi, he’s my homie. Just like I can make fun of Hasan Nasarallah, but you sunna can’t. Nananabooboo!

I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong and just because its ramadan I’m not going to stop. Here’s the thing I’ve been trying to convey to people my entire life. You shouldn’t not be doing things because its ramadan. You shouldn’t do bad things because it is wrong.

I don’t like it when people say “Oh I don’t do #insert word# during ramadan” but they do it the rest of the year. What does that mean when you do that? It means you know its wrong and you just don’t do it when you feel you’re going to get punished for it extra.
What do you think God is thinking of you right now? He’s probably thinking “Okay he knows and feels it’s wrong but he does it anyway. He just doesn’t do it sometimes because he’s scared of punishment. So in conclusion this person does not avoid “sin” because its wrong but because he’s a coward.”

So what about me? I feel that the things I do are not wrong, in fact I’m convinced that they aren’t. So I do them all the time. No matter what time of year. Let’s say, for arguement’s sake, that the things I do are considered wrong in God’s eyes, who do you think God spites more? Someone who thinks what they do is good and doesn’t know any better, or somebody who knows what they do is wrong but does it anyway?

My point is also my Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Do good and avoid bad all year-round. God isn’t blind the rest of the year you know.

______________________

Now that we’re done with the morality part of the post, let’s talk a little about me. I’m passing through a hard time right now. And for most of my life I’ve been in pain (not necessarily physical)- which is why I am how I am. What always makes me feel better is knowing others have been in more pain than me (as messed up as that is its true). Anyway, I thought I’d post some things that make me feel lucky to be me:

Heretic’s Fork

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One end of this device was pushed under the chin, the other into the sternum, with the strap securing this torture tool to the victim’s neck. Immobilized and in great pain, the victim will have to mouth off the Latin word “abiuro” (I recant), or they’ll end up being hanged or worse, burned at the stake.

 

Lead Sprinkler

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This tool, which kinda reminds me of a holy water sprinkler, was filled with either molten lead, tar, boiling oil or boiling water, then used to torture bless its victims by dripping its contents on their stomach, back and other body parts. Sounds like standard S&M practice to me, only with a greater deal of pain.

 

Tongue Tearer

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Countless heretics and blasphemers had their tongues roughly torn out with this simple device.

 

The Rack

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The rack is a contraption designed to dislocate every single joint in its victim’s body. Tied across the device’s board by the ankles and wrists, the victim’s body is then pulled in opposite directions by turning rollers at either end of the board. Great way of relieving a bad back, if you ask me. Of course, the subsequent pain caused by the multiple dislocations is another story.

That’s enough torture pictures for now I guess. I have better pictures for you. This first one is unpleasant but to me it signifies a part of ramadan. I don’t fast because I get credit with God. I do it, firstly, because it’s a good detox from all the crappy food I eat. I’m seriously considering semi-fasting for the rest of the year. It’s very physically cleansing. And secondly, in this fucked up world of ours, while we feast others die with nothing in their bellies. Fasting reminds me of that… it reminds me that there are others that live much harder lives than I do. But keep in mind fasting helps nobody but you. It’s not going to miracously put food on somebody’s table. You have to give (in a material sense-don’t just pray that somebody helps them- GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT)…. and there are alot of people who need your help:

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Incase you can’t tell, that’s a photo of a child dying of starvation. And right behind the child is a vulture, waiting for him to die…. nobody helped the child just in case you were wondering.

I don’t mean to get all of you down, but I want you to truly feel how lucky you are. And I want you to know that you aren’t not eating so that you can have a huge fun feast with friends and family and completely ignore the plight of your fellow man. Ramadan is not meant to be fun, atleast I don’t think it should be.

I know you come here to laugh your asses off but its my responsibility to teach you a few things every now and then even if it isn’t fun.

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Anyway, I don’t know if you’re in the mood to see pictures and comics but I’m going to post some anyway. But a joke I heard first:

Im7ashish gal “Ya rait ramadan mithil kaas il-3alam: mara kil arba3 sineen, oo kil mara ib dawla!”

I don’t know, I thought it was funny.

Cocoon Tent Thingy- I want this so bad!

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Baseball Bloopers

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Why is the black guy freaking out about a water balloon?

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Comics

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Quote of the Day:

” Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
If you listen carefully now you will hear.
This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Things are not the way they used to be,
I wont tell no lie;
One and all have to face reality now.
though Ive tried to find the answer to all the questions they ask.
though I know its impossible to go livin through the past –
Dont tell no lie.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air –
Cant keep them down –
If you listen carefully now you will hear.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.

This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air –
I wont tell no lie;
If you listen carefully now you will hear:
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air.”

-Bob Marley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know, when I tell somebody a problem or complain about something I don’t want want to be criticized. I want to be comforted, I want you to curse the source of my problem. I don’t want you to zif me. You’re not helping me whatsoever, you’re just stressing me out.

Let me explain to you more clearly what I’m talking about:

I hate my job, you know that. Most of the work I get, when I get it, is super retarded. TIMMY! For example, today, all I’ve been doing is changing the color schemes and formats on power point presentations. What the fuck? I didn’t get a degree from a top 20 business school to do shit I learnt to do in middle school computer class. I hate it! God-fucking-damnit!

I know that I shouldn’t be here. The only reason I am here is because I have nothing better to do. Atleast that was before. Now, I want to start studying for the GRE and filling out applications…etc. So now, I want to quit. Now, this is all nothing really new. What annoys me about it are my parents. What do my parents have to do with it? They are soooo unhelpful. Okay, I never expected them to be helpful, but atleast don’t put me down.

So my mother calls me today, at work…

Prophet (P): I hate my job, I hate it. I want to quit. Seriously. I want to quit today.

Mumsy (M): Don’t be in such a rush! Why are you in such a rush?

P: I have to study and apply for graduate programs. The application is due October 1st.

M: So? Study at work.

(Now this is theoretically a good idea, except there is no way I can study in this atmosphere and they do give me work to do – really retarded work-but it’s still time consuming.)

P: I can’t, I do things around here, stupid shit, but I do things nonetheless.

M: Tell them you’re not going to do that shit anymore!

P: What? I can’t just say I’m not going to do the work they assign me anymore and sit on my ass. The way you say “I’m not going to do this shit anymore” is quit!

M: No, its your fault for doing the stuff they give you. You should’ve told them the minute they give you that shit to do that you wouldn’t do it!

(The above statement is probably slightly true, but what the fuck ma? you’re supposed to make me feel better not make me feel like crap. and besides you’re supposed to do what your boss tells you, right? I mean he didn’t ask me to scrub the toilets, he asked me to do the only shit they have to do around here: which is pretend to work by changing the colors on things)

P: I’m not the only one that does this shit. This what people do here!!!!

M: *blah blah blah*

P: Ma, you’re not getting my point… *blah blah blah*

P: God damnit! Fine ma! Fine! I’ll talk to you when I get home. Bye.

*tear my hair out of my head*

Everytime I talk to my mom about anything she drives me insane!!!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCK!

I’m so pissed. And I know why: because I have to keep quite and be respectful and keep it all in (I can’t just shut the phone). One day, I swear to God, I’m going to kill somebody because I’m so frustrated. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I really want to scream but I’m still at work: GOD DAMNIT!

There are shooting pains in my head and my arms; I think I might be having a heart attack.

Okay… fine, I’m not. But one day I will. I don’t need all this stress.

All this stress and you want me to quit smoking?

_____________________

Anyway, not everything in life is bad. I know one thing that good. Rainbows? No! Tampons? No!……. the new iPods!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!

 

iPod Hero: Touch me baby… yeah..like that…

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iPhone (left) iPod (right)

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iPod Classic: Much slimmer and holds up to 160 GB!

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Renovated iPod Nanooooooooo

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A couple of other kick-ass stuff:

Spaceport America (as in “interplanetary travel”)

OPENING 2010!

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Batwing Fan

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Simpson’s House (it’s real)

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Spy Sunglasses – I want!

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Quote of the Day:

“Tooomz is the one that makes the boys cry.” – Chirp

 

 

Forbidden Love

September 5, 2007

Since I’ve been posting about my cat I might as well let you know what’s going on in his life. As some of you may know, Chirp has a female cat. And she wants my Fahood to sire her kittens. I just want him to screw her cat and enjoy himself (I’m sorry Chirp, but my cat has commitment issues, but they’ll always stay friends).

I’ve been debating with myself whether I should let him romp around but then cruelly take that pleasure away from him (his balls are going to be removed). After much debate, I decided I’d let him meet Chirp’s cat and see what happens (honestly what I wanted to happen was for him to mount her and I’d videotape the whole thing and call it…. ummm… fuck fest ’07- and then I could sell the tape as porn and make some money off of it). I think people in Kuwait with buy it right? I mean the retarded sexually-frustrated guys in Kuwait would buy anything labeled “fuck fest” right? And even if they find out it’s cat porn (I wonder if such a thing exists), once I explain some things to them I’m sure they’d buy it. Here are some things you should know about cat husbandry (mating and breeding) that will definitely tempt you to buy my cat porn:

1. Male tomcats have barbed penises. What is a barbed penis? Watch my cat porn to find out!

(The barbed penis helps stimulate ovulation FYI)

2. When the deed is done and the tomcat withdraws, the female lets out a really loud cry. Is it a cry of pain (from the barbed penis perhaps?) or a cry of pleasure? Watch my cat porn and judge for yourself!

3. Copulation (the process of fucking-for all you laymen) occurs many times when the female is in heat. Therefore the video is going to be long: more bang for your buck!

4. Females will mate with multiple partners if given the chance. If impregnated, the kittens she has, even though they are in the same litter, may be from different fathers. If Chirps cat mates with other cats, I will add a special feature to my cat porn:

” After the fact: Who my baby daddy?” Featuring Maury Povich. In this segment all the kittens will undergo DNA testing to find out who is the father.

When one of the kittens is proven to be from another father my cat is going to go “I told you bitch! I told you! Whateva! Whateva! Huh!” *does the moonwalk*. Well, actually, he’d probably just go “Meow” and then lick his crotch area.

So after hearing all that, you’d be tempted, atleast a little, to buy my cat porn, right?

Anyway, all my dreams were shattered when my father forbade the meeting of my and Chirp’s cat. I think it was because it would be cruel to give Fahood that kind of pleasure and then have it taken away, but he wouldn’t really discuss it. My mom said “Eeeee! I7na ma 3indina sbayyan yit3arafon 3ala banat oo hal kharabeet! lol”.

And so the love between the two cats has been forbidden.

In retrospect, as much as I would enjoy marketing cat porn, my parents are right. It would be cruel to take away such a pleasure from any creature once it’s known to him. Forgetting the cat porn, the real reason I wanted my cat to “do it” was because my brother would constantly tease my cat with “You’re gonna die a virgin! Nananana!”, which I know my cat doesn’t understand, but I do, and I know I wouldn’t want to die a virgin. So what do you all think? Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Wow, its amazing how I can turn things like cat porn into something so deep. I’m so awesome *hug myself*.

A cat doing a ferret – I think its considered rape

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Here are a couple of random pictures for all of you:

iPod-Compatible Pants

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Hmmmm…?

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From the Internet

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Lumpfish

 lumpfish.jpg

Trying to put the old pics up again:

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barak.jpg

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Yeah, yeah, I know, I didn’t post yesterday. I have other things to do you know, I’m not your slave. You can’t just turn me on and off like a light switch you know. God, I’m so under-appreciated.

Anyway, I finished the first season of Dexter yesterday. Quite a good series I must say. Its twisted but I really relate to it. Not that I’m a serial killer, yet, but I understand how it feels to be alone and feel nobody really understands you. There is nobody who really knows me, all of me. There are many people who know different parts of who I am but there is nobody on this earth that knows all of me. And that makes me really sad sometimes.

I just want to be happy, but for some reason I can’t. I can have negative emotions, like anger, sadness and hate, but the positive ones are hard for me. And I can laugh (I laugh alot) and I can feel happiness sometimes be I don’t know if I can BE happy. I don’t know how I feel anymore. The best I can describe it is that I constantly search for temporary highs to make me think that I’m happy. But I’m just deceiving myself. You know that song “there’s gotta be more (to life)”? That’s how I feel.

Anyway, I have no idea why I’m telling you all this (especially since some of you out there know who I am). I don’t want sympathy, I guess I just want somebody out there to say they understand (and actually mean it).

Let’s see, as long as I’m on a roll here I might as well admit to you some more evil things about me.

I enjoy the sight of blood. It turns me on, and I don’t mean sexually, thank you very much. I mean that it excites me. I find blood (only if its running) fascinating and a little bit enchanting. Everytime I’d say that to somebody, even tough macho guys, they freak out a little, like they think I’m going to stab them to see their blood. It’s not like that, just think of it as you think of somebody who likes chocolate. They probably wouldn’t stab somebody with some Cadbury in their pocket. They’d probably just watch longingly as the person eats it, right?

Another thing about me is that I cherish my sleep. It’s beyond sacred to me. I prefer sleeping over being awake. So HUGE WARNING to everybody who knows me: DO NOT BOTHER ME WHEN I’M SLEEPY, SLEEPING OR GOING TO SLEEP.

Now, let me clarify a couple of things. I’m no morbid goth (I like pokemon). And just because I enjoy the sight of blood does not mean I would ever cut myself (I swear those are cat scrathes on my hands and arms! Muhahahaha!). And contrary to popular belief, just because I prefer sleeping to being awake, it does not mean want to be dead. I just want to be asleep, there’s a huge difference.

Anyway, I guess this should be considered my “personal” post, which for most other girls would be considered one about not being able to lose weight and get married or something retarded like that. Don’t you feel closer to me now that you know something a little different about me?

I also like teddy bears and long walks on the beach. Call me!

PS: None of you told me whether you want “drug week” or not. Gosh! You guys suck! Fine, no drugs for you!

Mozart and Children

August 30, 2007

I’m sitting here, at work, listening to some Mozart trying to calm down and relax. I’ve been stressing over continuing my “higher studies” (not as in smoking a joint, but rather the real deal). I’ve been stressing over if I’ll even be able to go, who’s going to pay for it….etc. Anyway, as I sit here, with Mozart’s Menuetto Moderato Trio plays soothingly in my ears, I’m reading about things that could stress me out so much more, namely children. Children are like ferocious, comic little people on drugs. They’ll pretty much drive you insane if you don’t know the proper way to wrangle them up. Like this woman who sells the stuff her kids buy (without her permission) on EBay. Poor woman…. What’s worse is this guy (what a freaking retard).

100 kids? Is he crazy? I mean, I understand, back in the day, if you were royalty you’d want to have alot of kids just in case your enemies invaded and wanted to kill the entire royal family and take over the nation. But these days…. come on! I mean there are some bloody annoying Emarati people that I want to kill out there but I doubt that anybody is going to try to slaughter this guy and his family (except I might now, because he’s seriously contributing to overpopulation and overcrowding in the world).

I wonder how he decides what he’s going to name them. Letters won’t work, there aren’t enough in the alphabet. I guess you could number them. # 1, #2 (the first two would probably get made fun of alot, you know, number two…. hehehe).

I would name my kids after different products and get my kids sponsored for life. You know, call them things like Aquafresh, Kotex, and Trojan(man) – I obviously won’t be needing Tojans though if I have 100 kids. Let’s see what else is important to have around the house, oh, Pringles, iTunes, Showtime, Orbit, Playstation… and the list goes on.

I guess I would have 100 kids if I could benefit off of each one… I have to start right now though if I want to have enough to sustain me through the rest of my life.

Kids make great slaves too. So obedient, if you hit them enough.

Just because you’re somebody’s kid doesn’t mean they like you, you know. Take a look at what Leona Helmsley did. She left $12 million to her dog instead of her descendants. Damn, that one rich motherfucking dog! Woof!

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_______________________________________________

Look at one of the stupidest toys ever made:

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A Spin-The-Bottle bottle for $35? Who would buy that? Obviously, no parent is going to buy it for their kid (unless your house is a brothel and your mother is raising hookers). And why would a kid spend $35 on something that could be substituted for a $1 coke bottle? In the states if a kid had $35 and wanted to get some action, he’d just give it to the local whore and get her to go down on him. Obviously the creators of this toy didn’t think it through very well. For shame!

________________________

Do you know what time it is? That right, its picture time!!!!!!!!!

Kick-ass new NASA rocket

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Forget it

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Coming to Life

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Inflatable Pub (I soooo want one- I NEED it!)

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This makes me laugh- so evil!

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Have a great long weekend kids! See you next week! Just in case I die this weekend I want you to know one thing- the quote of the day:

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.”

 

 

 

 

Slap Slap

August 27, 2007

You know I woke up yesterday feeling like crap. I woke up just completely pissed (not the in the British sense). I wanted to just punch somebody, and I didn’t want to deal with retards (inevitable as it is). Maybe its “that time of the month” or something but I just felt really frustrated and angry and then it came….. I don’t mean my “mensus”, I mean THE SONG. The song that just completely described how I felt and made me feel alot better.

Listen to “Slap” by Ludacris

The first two verses apply to me. The rest… well… they might apply to me when I become somebody’s baby mama in the ghetto.

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Okay kids, now, line up, shut the fuck up and listen up because its LESSON TIME!!

Today’s lesson is in how not to be a retard. TIMMY! Below are somethings that some real retards have done that landed them in an ER. You are to learn from the stupidity of these idiots and you are not to do the same thing. OK? OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man’s house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man’s poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man’s jewels from the dog’s mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling “Puta! Puta! Puta!” At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby’s father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was “Puja!” (Push!) Instead he was saying “Whore! Whore! Whore!”

A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled “Come on back this afternoon. We’re having a Butt-luck supper”. (How embarrassing is that!)

An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: “It was a fifty, bitch!”

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: “I got the green vines in my virginny” (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she “put a potato in there to hold it up” and then forgot about it.

The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female’s room.

Doctor: “The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you’re not sexually active?”

Patient: “Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there.”

Doctor: “I see. Well, do you know who the father is?”

Patient: “No. Who?”

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from “crank” (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, “I’ve been screwing the dog?”

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn’t able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and “gagged” myself to vomit but couldn’t vomit it up either.”

Lesson for the day: Don’t be a retard!

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During my research to find all things random I come upon some pretty interesting sites. I have to tell you, one of the strangest blogs that I’ve come upon has to be The Superfluous Nipple. And you guessed it, its “a shrine to the third nipple”.

Wow, a blog dedicated to third nipples? You see some really messed up shit on there. Like this:

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Thats right! A nipple on somebody’s foot. Gross.

I wonder if he/she get turned on when they walk. I also wonder if this guy went to a spa, would it be inappropriate for him to get a foot massage? Oooo! Oooo! If I was back in middle school and this guy was walking down the hall I know exactly what I’d say: “Hey, look everybody! It’s TitFoot!”

Hahahahahaaaa!!!!!!! I’m soooo mean.

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It’s picture time! *dum dum dum dum dum* Do you hear the techno rave music? I do! Take it away Arnold!

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Today’s pictures are a selection of cell phones you can’t buy, nuts for you!:

Pantech’s Flexus Mobile Phone

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NEC’s “Tag” Phone

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Nokia Aeon

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Synaptics Onyx Mobile

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Motorola PVOT Phone

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Dual-Screen Cell Phone

Alloy Total Product Design’s “The Polygon” boasts two displays: a standard high-resolution display for viewing data and a touchscreen for accessing menus, etc.

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Fuzzy the Bunny

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I just put the bunny there because he’s so squishably cute *squish*

Quote of the Day:

Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ladies and gentleheathens! Step right up to the new edition of The Chronicles of Random. Today we’re going to start off with the wonderful topic of relegion. Specifically, shi-aights! and sunnis.

Let me give you some background on me first so that you know that I am not genetically or environmentally biased to either side. I am a half-blood. That’s right, i said it: I’m half shiite and half sunni.

Shocked? If you aren’t, good. But most typically Kuwaiti people get a confused look on their face and they look at me like some sort of mutant. It’s really funny.

Now, let me clarify, I am technically shiite (because daddykins is). Do I really believe that Shiite are better than Sunnis? Or that one is more true or correct than the other?

Nope: It’s all essentially the same crap. That’s right I said crap. I’m going to hell. I mean please people, do you really think because you pray to God 10 minutes early or late (depending on which side you’re on), that God will smite you? Who are you kidding? God is supposed to be merciful and great and only strikes the wicked. If he is evil and retarded enough to judge me on silly things like a 10 minute lag, how I wear a hijab (and if I wear one at all), how can I respect Him as a great being and pray to him?

Would you pray to a God that is evil and spiteful? I wouldn’t. If you do, well, you’re essentially praying to the devil. You satanist!

The God I pray to is good, kind, merciful, understanding, and knows the core of all of his creatures. And he knows that I am essentially good and caring. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Offended? Good. I want to offend both parties. Because you’re both as retarded as each other- and yet you’re both convinced you’re the best. Do you really think God is going to give you a gold star and put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on your hand for hating your fellow brethren and completely believing you’re the shit because somebody “told you so”. Fuck that!

Now, let me tell you my experience on being Shiite: There’s discrimination (it exists) and some sunni people feeling threatened if you talk about your side of religion (it’s kind of like a negro talking to a polite white supremacist today: it shows that the white supremacist is disturbed by the negro and what he’s saying but he doesn’t want to say anything- atleast not to the negro’s face).

Anyway, there’s a bunch of crappy things that some Shiite people do: i.e. flagellation and self-mutilation. Which is so stupid. And you don’t even have to be Shiite to do that. A bunch of other religious factions believe in faith through pain. So you’re not special. Another thing is, do you really think you’re not bringing anybody back from the dead by creating such a ruckus? I very much doubt Al-Hasan or Al-Husain give a rat’s ass that you’re beating yourselves for them? They’re probably shaking their heads and thinking “idiots”.

On the other hand there are some kick-ass pros to being Shiite rather than being Sunni.

  1. Can get married without your father’s approval
  2. Can inherit all of your parent’s money if you’re an only daughter. As opposed to being Sunni, where you’re male cousins get their grubby hands on some of the moola.
  3. You can watch people be buried and go to the cemetery, even if you’re a girl. My understanding is in the Sunni cemetery (separate cemeteries- how fucked up), if you’re a girl, you can’t go in – or you can only go on specific days.

So basically, being Shiite is better for you (in terms of rights), if you’re a girl.

Anyway, I want to know what you all think about the whole Shi3a, Sunna thing, or if you even think about it at all. Comments people! Comments!

PS: I wasn’t raised a shii3i or sunni: Actually, funny story- as a kid, whenever I heard people say shii3i or sunni I always thought it was a soccer team like qadsawi or 3arbawi. Seriously! I never new there were two Islamic factions until I was way older. So then how was I raised, as in what was I raised to be?

Simple: I was raised to be a good person. Which is more than I can say for alot of people out there.

Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Just be a good person. That’s what God wants you to be.

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On a lighter note: PICTURE TIME! And they’re of animals. Yay!!!!!!!!

Alpaca

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Angora Rabbit- fuzzzzzzzzzzzzzy!

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Axolotl

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Aye Aye

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Blobfish

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Dumbo Octopus

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Emperor Tamarin – Loving the beard!

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Frill-NeckedLizard- Like the one in Jurassic Park!

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Hagfish

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Komondor Dog- He’s jumping.

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Narwhal

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Proboscis Monkey

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Red Panda

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Star-Nosed Mole

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Sucker-Footed Bat

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Sunbear-AKA Dogbear

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Tapir

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Tarsier

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White-Faced Saki Monkey

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Yeti Crab

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I was on the phone with Tooomz and from that conversation comes the quote of the day:

Me: Why aren’t you listening to me?

Tooomz: “I’m reading about the troubles of Britney Spears”

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Note: Flippy died. And I’m really really sad. I feel guilty. He seemed to be getting better. So I didn’t take him to the vet. I should have taken him to the vet. :( *sob*

I’d hit that….

August 15, 2007

Its amazing how people can change with a good haircut. For example, Milo Ventimiglia (the man-nurse that absorbs people’s powers in Heroes). I first saw him in Gilmore Girls (which sucks as a show BTW). He looked crappy. Kinda gay. In Heroes he looked a little better (more mature ‘n’ crap) but he still had that gay emo haircut that made him look like ickypoo.

Other people thought he was hot. My thought was “Yeah, I’d hit that….with a stick”. But now that he’s gotten a haircut he looks pretty damn good. Now, I’d hit that. PERIOD.

BEFORE

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AFTER

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Yummy! Now, ofcourse you all have to get some kind of lesson out of this. So what’s today’s lesson? Well, today’s lesson is in etymology. We will be exploring the phrase “I’d hit that”, which I just used above.

As you all probably know: it is phrase, commonly used by males, meaning “I would like to have sex with that person”.

What you probably don’t know, which I didn’t know until a second ago is:

 

The phrase “I’d hit that” has now come to refer to an individual’s stated desire to perform sexual relations with a (typically McDonald’s) hamburger.

Background: An unfortunate McDonald’s advertising campaign, circa early 2005, developed under the assumption that the use of urban lexicon might appeal to a previously underrepresented demographic, i.e., the burger-fetishists.

“Double Cheeseburger? I’d hit it. I’m a Dollar Menu guy.”

I got that from the Urban Dictionary BTW.

My reaction to that is: REALLY? People have sex with McDonald’s hamburgers? Damn! I mean, why a hamburger? Why not a McDonald’s Apple Pie or their new salads? I just don’t get it. And would they talk dirty to it? “Yeah baby, I’m gonna do you better than any grill you’ve ever been on!” Loool. And towards the end he’d go “Get ready baby. I’m ketchuping! I’m KETCHUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGG! UUUUUUUUUGGHHHH!!”

Loooooool….. that is so disgusting! It’s so sick and disgusting that it’s freaking hilarious!
There is a possibility that that whole sex with hamburgers definition isn’t even true, but I’d better stop saying it, just in case. I don’t want people thinking I have sex with McDonald’s hamburgers. I mean if I’m going to have sex with any hamburger it’s going to be with the one at Gaucho. Why? Because everybody knows; Argentinian meat is bigger and better!

Damn, I’m on a roll today! All of you are probably completely grossed out by now, which is a plus for me. I love messing with people. Calm down now. You at least learnt something new today, right? Yeah, you did. So be grateful bitches!

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Let’s switch to another topic: Hoverboards.

I’ve always wanted a hoverboard, not since Back to the Future, but since The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest. Those hoverboards were kick-ass! And guess what?

“Professor Ulf Leonhardt and Dr Thomas Philbin, from the University of St Andrews in Scotland found a way to reverse the Casimir effect, making it repel instead of attract. Soon frictionless nanomachines will having moving parts below your feet to propel you as far away from Biff as your heart desires.”

That’s right! Hoverboards-Coming soon!!!! For more info check out:

BustAChange

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Man, there are so many good things to post about, but I don’t want to overwhelm you, so: Its time for pictures!

 

Here piggy piggy! Suuuuuuweeee!

(The resemblance is striking)

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Actual Sign

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Oh Shit! Ouuuuuuchhhh!

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So true….

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PS: Do you guys think the font is too small? I do. How do I change it? Tekmology is komplimicated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Semi-Normalcy

August 14, 2007

I’m back to being semi-normal. I was just having a shitty day yesterday. Anyway, I’m back.

I’m sorta busy today so lets go straight to the funny stuff:

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This next one is for Chirp and Tooomz:

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And this last one has to do with the pillowig that I posted about a little bit ago (which was basically a pillow you could wear like a hat). And Skunk said “if you did a local pillowig,….you could have a whole sleeping bag attached to a burqa! ka-fucking-ching!”

Well Skunk, it turns out ka-fucking-ching indeed! Check-out what I found was aready invented and on sale:

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Isn’t that completely kick-ass? I soooo need to get one. Finally! I’m going to be the coolest chick on the block when I wear this!

Bonjourno!!! Imamario annaimagonnaweeeeeena!

Sorry, I just have to immitate Mario whenever there’s anything italian said. I guess that’s what I get for being raised by the NES, SNES and all the other kick-ass nintendo consoles.

Anyway, I just found out that tomorrow is a holiday. Yaayy! I thought it was still Tuesday. My memory sucks but this time it wasn’t about my memory. I was tricked! You know when you take birthcontrol pills they have the days of the week on them? Well they do! Retard. Anyway, I sometimes forget to take one, so when I come to take it the next day I take the one of the day before. So I end up thinking I’m a day behind. Get it?

Yeah, yeah, I take birthcontrol. I hope you people reading aren’t one of the retards that think birthcontrol pills are only for contraception. Well, if you are all I can say is TIMMY! Actually, I can say more than that ( I have to assume that some of you reading this are ignorant and need to see the light):

  1. The pill can be used by virgins
  2. The pill is hormonal medication
  3. Birthcontrol does not reduce your chances of conceiving

The reason I’m even bothering to discuss this is because most of Kuwait is COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RETARDED when it comes to such topics. I came to this conclusion following several experiences, the most relevant being:

I went to doctor to treat my hormonal dysfunction and he ordered an ultrasound. So I go in to get the ultrasound and the radiology guy or whatever starts asking questions like last menstrual peroid, are you married, and what meds are you on?

Me: I’m not married

Him: Ok cool—(he didn’t actually say cool)

Me: I’m on birthcontrol….etc

Him: Birthcontrol? Wait. What? I thought you said you weren’t married? *checks his notes*

Me: I’m not married.

*puzzled look on his face*

Me: I take it to treat my hormonal dysfunction.

Him: OOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooohhhhhh…. ok! Why’d you say birthcontrol?! Don’t ever say it’s birthcontrol, call it “medication for the treatment of hormones”. It’s better.

Me: Ummmmm… okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay……?

In my mind though I was “WTF? You’re supposed to be a freaking medical professional! It is fucking birthcontrol! I’m not going to call it something else, well, atleast I shouldn’t have to to you! Your supposed to be a doctor-or atleast something like one. I swear, fucking fucked retards. And as a result of this unnecessary judgement there are girls that don’t take the meds that they should be taking because they don’t want people knowing they’re on “birthcontrol”.

And to continue this education on birthcontrol: Birthcontrol doesn’t make you less fertile. 1 in 3 couples have a hard time conceiving. Once people have a hard time having a baby they automatically say “oh it’s because she took birthcontrol, had a cat when she was 6, and eats tofu”. Uuuuuuummmm no it isn’t retard. The other people that can have babies did that shit too and they reproduce like rabbits. You’re just an unlucky statistic. If anything taking meds to fix hormonal problems now will increase your chances of conception in the future.

Okay? Get it? Got it? Good.

Let’s move on: I need to ask y’all something. You know the song “No woman, no cry” by Bob Marley? Ok. If you do, go to the comment box right now and tell me what you think that line means “No woman, no cry”. Don’t listen to the song again, just tell me quickly what you think it means. If you don’t know the song, download it and listen to it just once and then tell me what you think “No woman, no cry” means. Don’t cheat, and research it and shit. The whole question is about your preception of the words. Comment! I command you!

Alright, I know too many words…. your mind is melting and getting numb. So now its picture time! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

The pictures below are from worth1000.com and the title is: “The Last Picture You’ll Ever Take”- and basically ‘the last thing you’ll see before you die’:

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Alright bambinos! It’s time for us to part once again! I’m off to enjoy my long-weekend! For those of you without a long-weekend: I’m really sorry because…. it sucks to be you!!!! Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!