Mmmmmm! Mmmmm! I love sugarfree redbull!!!! Love it!

I just had a can (which I haven’t had in months – because I quit caffeine). I guess I just unquit caffiene. I love the stuff! It tastes awesome and I feel energetic, my foot wont stop tapping. I feel really good. But as is well known “what goes up, must come down”, so I know I’m going to feel pretty shitty quite soon.

But how great it is when you’re up! That’s the catch with drugs (yes, caffeine is a drug): Even if you don’t feel like crap when you are off of them, you know somethings missing when you are without them. You know that you could feel just a little bit better if you had a little. Just a little. Just a little bit to get your head straight *chugs redbull*.

Okay, I am exaggerating my love for redbull but I think that that little intro paved the way really nicely to today’s topic. Drugs! Yay!

Don’t get too excited all you crackwhores and junkies… I just found some interesting drug related links and stories. There’s no free peanutbutter and crack sandwiches here.

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Will your potential employer drug test you? Find out!

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Pot vending machines -Its about time!

Marijuana therapy is a part of anger managament? Really? So that’s why I’m angry all the time! This whole time all I needed was some pretty purple haze to calm me down. You can contribute to my therapy by donating to the Prophet Anger Management Fund (soon to accept PayPal payments!).

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Absinthe lollipops?

In case you’re a lazy mo’fo’ that didn’t bother clicking on the link there is one thing you HAVE TO read:

Will these lollipops get me wasted? – Hell fucking yes they will! You’ll be sent on an intergalactic trip to Holyshitland as soon as you take a lick. The crackhead on the street corner tried one and said it was better than smoking rocks. Try one and you’ll slice an ear off and give it to a hooker before you can say “Damn, I’m tyrannosaurus wrecked, what the hell happened to my ear?”

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That is poetry right there people! Read and learn! Those words up there are classic. I’m probably going to be quoting them for the next few years!

“You’ll be sent on an intergalactic trip to Holyshitland as soon as you take a lick!”

” Damn, I’m tyrannosaurus wrecked!”

Hahahahaha! Love it!

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Damn y’all, my boss walked in and I had to go to his office where I received the “you are the future, it’s your time to shine” lecture. Its now 3.30 and it looks like I’m not going to get out until atleast 5. Damnit!

 

Wooohoo! It’s Thursday bitches!!!!! I feel really good today. Even though I probably shouldn’t because somebody that works here just passed away yesterday. Allah yer7ama. And what’s really bad about it is what I thought when I first heard; “I wonder if they’ll give me his office”. I know, I know, I’m bad. But it isn’t my fault. First of all, the fact that I’ve been working here for 7 months and they still haven’t technically given me an office makes me feel that I need to take advantage of whatever opportunity comes my way. They’ve jaded me. I mean for God’s sake, I’ve been working here for 7 months and only today did they give me my own calculator. And I work in a motherfucking financial institution, a calculator is supposed to be the first thing you get. For 7 months I’ve been clicking away on my Windows calculator. I know I could’ve brought my own calculator, but I think that would’ve just increased my output and efficiency and they obviously don’t want that around here OTHERWISE THEY WOULD’VE GIVEN ME A FRIGGIN’ CALCULATOR.

Anyway, death and calculators aside, I feel pretty good today!

I think I would feel a little better if I ruin your days…. MUHAHAHAA!!! So I’m going to tell you a little story about myself and then lecture you (the lecture basically applies to females and some gay men):

People who know me know that I’m not exactly physically vain. i.e. I never ever put on tons of make up, most of the time I don’t wear any makeup at all, I don’t insist on wearing the latest fashions, I basically try to stay kinda simple and zen. A couple of months ago I got a huge lecture from a friend of mine basically stating: “Prophet! You’re a girl! You have to beautify yourself! You have to take care of your nails! Go get regular manicures!…etc.”

This girl’s nails are always manicured to perfection. They are always painted. Never a chip. She is more than a regular at the top nail places (N-Bar, N-Syle…etc.). And I have to admit her nails look good.

My nails aren’t bad. I always keep them clean, usually cut short, and I never bite them. I think they are okay. They’re normal.

Anyway, after her lecture, I think “Okay, how bad can it be? I’ll go to N-Bar every week or so”. Even though I hate being stuck in a chair for more than hour (I get butt-cramps).

Fast-forward a month or two. I start thinking: I’m not exactly into this, I don’t enjoy it getting it done, I’m trying to simply myself and my life not make it more complicated, why the hell am I doing this again?

So I decide I’m done with this whole getting manicures. If I want to paint my nails every once in a while I can do it myself. So that’s it I decide to take the polish off my nails. Lo and behold! My nails are yellowish! WTF? They were never like this! I look like I have freaking jaundice!

Basically, after researching it turns out nail polish tends to stain your nails. I was thinking, nail polish is basically a bunch of colors and chemicals that you are putting on your body, is staining really the worst of it? And guess what? It isn’t.

I’ll give you the summary of the worst of it: A chemical used in many nail polishes called DBP (dibutyl phthalate) which increases durability of nail polish has been shown to be a carcinogen and result in underdeveloped genitals and fertility problems in unborn males. So basically, it’ll increase your chances of getting cancer and your sons are going to have smaller dicks.

Now, I don’t want you to completely freak out, because at this moment there is still much debate concerning DBP. Lots of the companies that use it state that the amount the humans are exposed to is not enough to have these effects. Other environmental and consumer groups disagree. Anyway, there is research supporting both sides. The one thing that is undisputed is that your body does absorb the chemical. The long-term effects at this point are unclear.

So ladies, and gay men that get their nails polished, if you consistently polish your nails I truly think you are putting yourself at risk. Therefore don’t come complaining to me when your sons can’t please women, I warned you.

But don’t worry ladies! There is still hope for your vanity! Some cosmetics manufacturers have started making nail polish free of DBP. “Estee Lauder is among some major brands that have done that. But many others have not, including salon favorite OPI, cult fave Essie and ubiquitous bargain brand Sally Hansen. In 2004, OPI was forced to remove DBP from its polishes sold in Europe after the European Union banned it along with many other personal-care product ingredients known or strongly suspected of causing cancer, mutations or birth defects.”

Essie… Sound familiar? That’s right! Its that wonderful stuff they use at n-bar and n-style. Cancer, yum!

Now, some of you poor girls are probably sobbing in your seats, asking the question: “Why? Why Prophet? Why would companies sell what they know to be cancerous products? They wouldn’t, would they?”

My response is: Yeah they would retards! TIMMY! Why wouldn’t they? If it makes their product “better” and they could get away with it, why not? Do you remember how many years it took for the tobacco industry to admit that cigarettes were a carcinogen? Why should they admit to selling a dangerous product if it makes them billions? And, yes, they make billions upon billions. Thanks to the vanity of women the cosmetics industry is ONE OF THE MOST PROFITABLE INDUSTRIES on the planet.

Anyway, the power is yours!

Earth!
Fire!
Wind!
Water!
Heart!

GO PLANET!

With your powers combined I am Captain Planet!

Captain Planet, he’s our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
He’s our powers magnified,
And he’s fighting on the planet side

Captain Planet, he’s our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
Gonna help him put us under,
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder

“You’ll pay for this Captain Planet!”

(chanting)
We’re the planeteers,
You can be one too!
‘Cause saving our planet is the thing to do,
Looting and polluting is not the way,
Hear what Captain Planet has to say:

“THE POWER IS YOURS!”

What my co-workers have actually walked in on me doing

Haha! Just messin’ with ya!

Cool staple remover

2.% Mil euro guitar?…oh….

Good Idea. Bad Idea.

Hooray!

Who’s a good boy?

Disturbing children’s book 

My mom didn’t used to let me walk my dog because “it isn’t safe” it would’ve been more than safe if I had this dog…

Only in America

Mini-Video Time! In this one, a guy tries to snatch this tiny lady’s purse. But he gets owned! You go girl!!!

Video

 

PS: The crap make-up you put on your face can’t be that much better. According to an article I recently read in Bazaar magazine, women that apply makeup everyday absorb I think something like 4 lbs. of chemicals every year. SHASTY (Shitty and Nasty!!)!!!

 

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

September 26, 2007

So I walk into work today, ready to start my web browsing ritual, when I notice I can’t login to my bloody computer. Somebody else had previously logged in and forgot to log out. The good thing is it displays the person’s name. The weird thing was it was our ex-secretary (Jenny) that got moved to another floor, why the hell would she have logged into my computer? And she would have had to have logged in after work hours yesterday (after I left), or before I got in this morning.

This required further investigation. So I go up to our new secretary (let’s call her Missy) and ask her about the situation and if I could get old secretary’s phone number. Missy tells me that Jenny gave the teaboy (Rafeek) her login name and password so he could fuck around whenever he was bored.

Oh really? Now let me tell you a little something about Rafeek. He is this little Indian (or Sri Lankan- same difference) dude who gives you attitude if you tell him to do something like bring you tea (which is his fucking job). He also conveniently “forgets” (ignores) to do half the shit you tell him to do, and if he does do it takes him a year. To make things worse, the little rat is a spy. Seriously, he spies for our boss, and constantly reports our activities to him. Anyway, as you can tell, I’m not a fan.

So anyway, I go to Rafeek and ask him straight up “Did you login to my computer?”.

Rafeek: *moments pause* No.

My initial thought is liar, liar, pants on fire! But I know better than to say that.

Prophet: Oh okay, so I’ll just go and ask Jenny if she came and logged into my computer. Before I do that, I’m going to ask you one more time: Did you login to my computer?

Rafeek: *puts his head down in shame- pretend shame because he has none* Yes.

Prophet: Come into my office and log out.

Rafeek proceeds to do as he is told, for the first bloody time in his life, and the following conversation ensues (I wish I could have told him what’s really on my mind but I’m trying to maintain the “I’m nice” image around here – which he has taken advantage of).

Rafeek: Ummm… I used it because sometimes management calls and they want something from the internet.

At this point your probably thinking what I was thinking (again liar liar) but this one is obvious. You are a motherfucking teaboy. And a retarded one at that. What management would call you to do shit, motherfucker? But I’m too polite to say that.

Prophet: Uh-huh. Yeah. I’m sure. But next time, you could ask my permission first, and when I ask you about it, you don’t lie to me.

Rafeek: *hangs head* okay.

I am way too fucking nice. But at this moment I own that motherfucker. From now on I command him. He’s a big liar, and now he knows that I know and I have proof and witnesses (Missy). If it wasn’t ramadan, I’d have told him to “get me tea! on the double! *finger snap*”. He’d probably spit in it, but that’s besides the point. I own you bitch, you’d better not disrespect me or else I will voice very loudly, and in a very embarrassing way for you, how your are a lying motherfucker.

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In more office news, I’m finally getting an office, a real office that’s just for me. Hoora! And I’m going to be so protective of it. Nobody sits and touches my shit. As in if I catch Rafeek touching my computer sitting on my chair I swear to God I’m going to try my utmost to have him fired. And I really think I will be able to. Just go to HR and tell them that the security of information in our division has been compromised, and there is major internal risk, because I’ve noticed people have been sharing their logins and passwords with unauthorized personnel (ie. Rafeek), which results in huge risk issues for this fine establishment. Such unauthorized personnel have access to confidential documents (the secretary worked for our GM) and could leak them to our competitors at any time. What a horrible scandal that would be if that happen! So I would request that Rafeek be fired (Jenny would probably be fired too- too bad she’s nice- but sacrifices must be made for the greater good). And also, in return for my silence- you know not causing a stir, I want a bigger office, a bonus, and I want to bring my cat to work.

I think they’d give me what I want (okay, well, maybe not the cat thing :( ). Or what I could do is threaten Rafeek with me ratting him out and make him my personal slave. “Rafeek, I need to put my feet up. No, no, don’t get me another chair. Get down on all fours. That’s right. Ahhhhhhhhh……”

So what do you think? Better salary or personal slave. Better salary is cool but you can’t put a price on slavery, that comes from black mail the heart.

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Yeah, so you know, how I said I’ve lost my feelings? Well, as is proven from the story above, and as was pointed out by a friend, I still derive a small amount of pleasure from evil things. Maybe that means I’m going to become a serial killer… Hmmmmm *evil grin*.

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On to the randomness!

First, a statement in relation to out first story. I quit red bull a while back because I realized I was just putting crap in my body that I didn’t need. I would drink two cans at work, in an attempt to stay awake. They I realized that there was no need to be alert (or concious at all for that matter) in this place. So anyway I quit Red Bull. But I wouldn’t have if I’d known this.

I have now decided to distribute red bull to everybody I know. FREE RED BULL FOR EVERYONE!

In other news, I thought this was a beautiful story. I need a pigeon. Something that would love me unconditionally. *sob* I’m so lonely. Lol.

Now, that I think of it, a pigeon is a bad choice. I could imagine me going. “I love you Tweety, you’re my bestest friend ever!” *cooo* * I bring Tweety closer to my face to kiss him affectionately* *Tweety pecks my eyes out- “The Birds” style*.

Birds are evil creatures and they carry the bird flu! Evil, evil creatures!

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Anyway, for those of you that care about your sneakers, your coolness, and your street cred, may care to know about the coolest ways to tie your shoelaces. Check it out!

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And now it’s picture time! The first two pictures need an introduction. Before a big soccer match, an Argentinian condom manufacturer ran the upper (the first) advertisement, bragging about what Argentina would do to Brazil. After Argentina lost the game, the Brazilian football organization ran the lower ad.

 

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Bart dressed as a suicide bomber-

I like to call him Moh’d Jihad

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Halo 3 is out! I want!

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Mini-Retarded video time! These videos come with the title “types of music you shouldn’t let your cat listen to”. They really are retarded. I love the Stevie Wonder one because the cat moves the exact same way Stevie Wonder does when he sings, how evil!

 

Barry White

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Gansta Rap

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Heavy Metal

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House

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Techno / Electronica while on Ecstasy

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Stevie Wonder

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This is panning out to be a very lovely day indeed. I’m off then! Turrrrraaaaaaaaaa!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, take your bloody time!

September 16, 2007

Yeah, I’m posting again. I’m still at work. I can’t leave until I get word from HR. Despite the fact that their job is easy as hell, if they do anything at all that is, they take their bloody time.
You’d think a large financial institution would understand the value of time and speedy decisions, but noooooooooo…….. idiots.

And so, my entire world is on hold as I wait for HR.

I curse you HR. I curse you! May the fleas from a thousand camels infest your pubic hair!

Anyway, an important announcement:

Happy Birthday Chirp! This comic is for you:

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And with that out of the way…. it’s time for the radiology picture of the day:

needles1.jpg

Luo Cuifen, 29 of Beijing, China, consulted doctors after noticing blood in her urine. Turns out she has 23 inch-long needles in her gut. Surgeons will now carefully remove the needles that allegedly were inserted by her grandparents who were hoping to kill her. From the Associated Press:

Many of the needles have worked their way into Luo’s vital organs including her lungs, liver, bladder and kidneys, making their removal difficult, said Qu Rui, a spokesman for the Richland International Hospital in Yunnan province’s capital, Kunming…

Qu said doctors believe the woman’s grandparents may have inserted the needles long ago, hoping she would die and her parents might have a boy in her place. China limits most families to just one child, although rural Chinese may be allowed to have a second if their first is a girl, subject to the payment of fines.

It wasn’t clear whether further investigations into the case were planned, with media reports saying Luo’s grandparents had already died.

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Russian Posers- check out the link

Creepy Lenses – Link

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It’s random picture time! The first picture needs a brief introduction. You know those times when your sitting in your office and something’s just missing? Something that makes work so much more pleasant: Beer.

But where can you store your precious beer stock? A fridge in the middle of your office is very suspicious. Well thank God ladies and gents because some divine genuis out there created his thing:

beerfridge1.jpg

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Seriously, God bless you brother, whoever you are.

Viagra Ad

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Pool – I’m not sure if I posted this one before

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Cool wedding photo!

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The bride who drank too much

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Looool

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Kung-Fu Kitty

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Quote of the Day:

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal. ” -Demetri Martin

And another one by Demetri Martin:

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

 

 

 

 

 

Aliens and Judgment Day

September 13, 2007

I told you that this day was possibly coming soon. It is a day when your whole world ends. Yes, my friends, it is judgment day: I’m finally leaving my job (I think-if today goes the way its supposed to).

Hush now little ones. Don’t shed any more tears. You don’t know whats going to happen. I might still post but I really don’t know anymore. I have decided, despite my parents disapproval, to try one last desperate attempt to follow my dreams. And so it is with that that I’m off to journey the unknown and unpaved path that I know is going to suck ass. But I have to try, I’ll regret it forever if I don’t.

With that farewell message to all of you out of the way, we can resume today’s post. As promised, it’s alien day!

Now, today’s post originates from some video that a friend of mine showed me that showed some UFOs flying over some place in Saudi. Now, I think he expected me to freak out, like my other friend who went “this is a sign that its judgement day, the world is coming to an end” or something to that effect.

Now, first of all, why would you believe that that video is real? Because its in Saudi? Are you insulting Saudi doctoring skills? Shame on you. Saudis are the best fakers. Just look at the double (hypocrisy-filled) lives they lead. Now, now, if you’re Saudi and offended by the comment I just made, I’m sorry *cough*- I’m sorry that you born in Saudi, its not your fault.

Second of all, so what if there are aliens? Pictures and videos of aliens have been around since forever. And so what? You’rejust nervous that things are going to change here on Earth. Maybe they’re coming to fix all the fuck-ups us humans have made ie. war with our own kind, global warming, famine in a world of abudancy. I think they should come and kill alot of us, just so that they kill off alot of the retards around. And then maybe, just maybe, when we are trying to rebuild our civilizations we’ll to it right this time.

And if they’re here just to blow things up for no reason and eat our human flesh, I’m up for the challenge. I would prefer to die in an epic battle to save the human race than die in a car accident (which is very likely here in Kuwait).

Third of all, which is really funny to me: when I told a co-worker about the whole alien video judgment day thing, she said: “Well, its possible, you know. When judgement day comes and people like Al-Mahdi, and Gog and Magog reappear we don’t know how they are going to appear and in what form.”

Seriously? As in, they are going to come back in spaceships in alien form? Loool… that’s just so funny to me. I guess it could happen maybe…. uh…. I guess… I mean I wouldn’t want to make fun of anybody’s relegious beliefs, now would I? I respect all relegions…. Hahaaha… see what I did there? Its called sarcasm…. get it? get it?

Anyway, what do you think? Do you think Jesus is going to come down from a UFO?

Anyway, check out the picture below, which people think is totally real. It’s supposed to be of an alien (possibly Al-Mahdi reappearing) and the people in the picture are freaking out.

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cthulhu_w_people.jpg

 

Hahahaha!!!!! Man! I’m going to miss you guys. You’re so gullible!

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m going to go to hell. Saying all this shit on the first day of ramadan. But firstly, for Shia ramadan is tomorrow (yes! I’m saved by a technicality! Whew! That was a close one!) Also, since I’m Shia I can make fun of Al-Mahdi, he’s my homie. Just like I can make fun of Hasan Nasarallah, but you sunna can’t. Nananabooboo!

I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong and just because its ramadan I’m not going to stop. Here’s the thing I’ve been trying to convey to people my entire life. You shouldn’t not be doing things because its ramadan. You shouldn’t do bad things because it is wrong.

I don’t like it when people say “Oh I don’t do #insert word# during ramadan” but they do it the rest of the year. What does that mean when you do that? It means you know its wrong and you just don’t do it when you feel you’re going to get punished for it extra.
What do you think God is thinking of you right now? He’s probably thinking “Okay he knows and feels it’s wrong but he does it anyway. He just doesn’t do it sometimes because he’s scared of punishment. So in conclusion this person does not avoid “sin” because its wrong but because he’s a coward.”

So what about me? I feel that the things I do are not wrong, in fact I’m convinced that they aren’t. So I do them all the time. No matter what time of year. Let’s say, for arguement’s sake, that the things I do are considered wrong in God’s eyes, who do you think God spites more? Someone who thinks what they do is good and doesn’t know any better, or somebody who knows what they do is wrong but does it anyway?

My point is also my Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Do good and avoid bad all year-round. God isn’t blind the rest of the year you know.

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Now that we’re done with the morality part of the post, let’s talk a little about me. I’m passing through a hard time right now. And for most of my life I’ve been in pain (not necessarily physical)- which is why I am how I am. What always makes me feel better is knowing others have been in more pain than me (as messed up as that is its true). Anyway, I thought I’d post some things that make me feel lucky to be me:

Heretic’s Fork

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One end of this device was pushed under the chin, the other into the sternum, with the strap securing this torture tool to the victim’s neck. Immobilized and in great pain, the victim will have to mouth off the Latin word “abiuro” (I recant), or they’ll end up being hanged or worse, burned at the stake.

 

Lead Sprinkler

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This tool, which kinda reminds me of a holy water sprinkler, was filled with either molten lead, tar, boiling oil or boiling water, then used to torture bless its victims by dripping its contents on their stomach, back and other body parts. Sounds like standard S&M practice to me, only with a greater deal of pain.

 

Tongue Tearer

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Countless heretics and blasphemers had their tongues roughly torn out with this simple device.

 

The Rack

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The rack is a contraption designed to dislocate every single joint in its victim’s body. Tied across the device’s board by the ankles and wrists, the victim’s body is then pulled in opposite directions by turning rollers at either end of the board. Great way of relieving a bad back, if you ask me. Of course, the subsequent pain caused by the multiple dislocations is another story.

That’s enough torture pictures for now I guess. I have better pictures for you. This first one is unpleasant but to me it signifies a part of ramadan. I don’t fast because I get credit with God. I do it, firstly, because it’s a good detox from all the crappy food I eat. I’m seriously considering semi-fasting for the rest of the year. It’s very physically cleansing. And secondly, in this fucked up world of ours, while we feast others die with nothing in their bellies. Fasting reminds me of that… it reminds me that there are others that live much harder lives than I do. But keep in mind fasting helps nobody but you. It’s not going to miracously put food on somebody’s table. You have to give (in a material sense-don’t just pray that somebody helps them- GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT)…. and there are alot of people who need your help:

vulture.jpg

Incase you can’t tell, that’s a photo of a child dying of starvation. And right behind the child is a vulture, waiting for him to die…. nobody helped the child just in case you were wondering.

I don’t mean to get all of you down, but I want you to truly feel how lucky you are. And I want you to know that you aren’t not eating so that you can have a huge fun feast with friends and family and completely ignore the plight of your fellow man. Ramadan is not meant to be fun, atleast I don’t think it should be.

I know you come here to laugh your asses off but its my responsibility to teach you a few things every now and then even if it isn’t fun.

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Anyway, I don’t know if you’re in the mood to see pictures and comics but I’m going to post some anyway. But a joke I heard first:

Im7ashish gal “Ya rait ramadan mithil kaas il-3alam: mara kil arba3 sineen, oo kil mara ib dawla!”

I don’t know, I thought it was funny.

Cocoon Tent Thingy- I want this so bad!

cacoon-tent-thing.jpg

 

Baseball Bloopers

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Why is the black guy freaking out about a water balloon?

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Comics

thewarehouse_comic_152.jpg

insomnia.png

 

Quote of the Day:

” Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
If you listen carefully now you will hear.
This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Things are not the way they used to be,
I wont tell no lie;
One and all have to face reality now.
though Ive tried to find the answer to all the questions they ask.
though I know its impossible to go livin through the past –
Dont tell no lie.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air –
Cant keep them down –
If you listen carefully now you will hear.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.

This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air –
I wont tell no lie;
If you listen carefully now you will hear:
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air.”

-Bob Marley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know, when I tell somebody a problem or complain about something I don’t want want to be criticized. I want to be comforted, I want you to curse the source of my problem. I don’t want you to zif me. You’re not helping me whatsoever, you’re just stressing me out.

Let me explain to you more clearly what I’m talking about:

I hate my job, you know that. Most of the work I get, when I get it, is super retarded. TIMMY! For example, today, all I’ve been doing is changing the color schemes and formats on power point presentations. What the fuck? I didn’t get a degree from a top 20 business school to do shit I learnt to do in middle school computer class. I hate it! God-fucking-damnit!

I know that I shouldn’t be here. The only reason I am here is because I have nothing better to do. Atleast that was before. Now, I want to start studying for the GRE and filling out applications…etc. So now, I want to quit. Now, this is all nothing really new. What annoys me about it are my parents. What do my parents have to do with it? They are soooo unhelpful. Okay, I never expected them to be helpful, but atleast don’t put me down.

So my mother calls me today, at work…

Prophet (P): I hate my job, I hate it. I want to quit. Seriously. I want to quit today.

Mumsy (M): Don’t be in such a rush! Why are you in such a rush?

P: I have to study and apply for graduate programs. The application is due October 1st.

M: So? Study at work.

(Now this is theoretically a good idea, except there is no way I can study in this atmosphere and they do give me work to do – really retarded work-but it’s still time consuming.)

P: I can’t, I do things around here, stupid shit, but I do things nonetheless.

M: Tell them you’re not going to do that shit anymore!

P: What? I can’t just say I’m not going to do the work they assign me anymore and sit on my ass. The way you say “I’m not going to do this shit anymore” is quit!

M: No, its your fault for doing the stuff they give you. You should’ve told them the minute they give you that shit to do that you wouldn’t do it!

(The above statement is probably slightly true, but what the fuck ma? you’re supposed to make me feel better not make me feel like crap. and besides you’re supposed to do what your boss tells you, right? I mean he didn’t ask me to scrub the toilets, he asked me to do the only shit they have to do around here: which is pretend to work by changing the colors on things)

P: I’m not the only one that does this shit. This what people do here!!!!

M: *blah blah blah*

P: Ma, you’re not getting my point… *blah blah blah*

P: God damnit! Fine ma! Fine! I’ll talk to you when I get home. Bye.

*tear my hair out of my head*

Everytime I talk to my mom about anything she drives me insane!!!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCK!

I’m so pissed. And I know why: because I have to keep quite and be respectful and keep it all in (I can’t just shut the phone). One day, I swear to God, I’m going to kill somebody because I’m so frustrated. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I really want to scream but I’m still at work: GOD DAMNIT!

There are shooting pains in my head and my arms; I think I might be having a heart attack.

Okay… fine, I’m not. But one day I will. I don’t need all this stress.

All this stress and you want me to quit smoking?

_____________________

Anyway, not everything in life is bad. I know one thing that good. Rainbows? No! Tampons? No!……. the new iPods!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!

 

iPod Hero: Touch me baby… yeah..like that…

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iPhone (left) iPod (right)

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iPod Classic: Much slimmer and holds up to 160 GB!

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Renovated iPod Nanooooooooo

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A couple of other kick-ass stuff:

Spaceport America (as in “interplanetary travel”)

OPENING 2010!

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Batwing Fan

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Simpson’s House (it’s real)

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Spy Sunglasses – I want!

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Quote of the Day:

“Tooomz is the one that makes the boys cry.” – Chirp

 

 

Forbidden Love

September 5, 2007

Since I’ve been posting about my cat I might as well let you know what’s going on in his life. As some of you may know, Chirp has a female cat. And she wants my Fahood to sire her kittens. I just want him to screw her cat and enjoy himself (I’m sorry Chirp, but my cat has commitment issues, but they’ll always stay friends).

I’ve been debating with myself whether I should let him romp around but then cruelly take that pleasure away from him (his balls are going to be removed). After much debate, I decided I’d let him meet Chirp’s cat and see what happens (honestly what I wanted to happen was for him to mount her and I’d videotape the whole thing and call it…. ummm… fuck fest ’07- and then I could sell the tape as porn and make some money off of it). I think people in Kuwait with buy it right? I mean the retarded sexually-frustrated guys in Kuwait would buy anything labeled “fuck fest” right? And even if they find out it’s cat porn (I wonder if such a thing exists), once I explain some things to them I’m sure they’d buy it. Here are some things you should know about cat husbandry (mating and breeding) that will definitely tempt you to buy my cat porn:

1. Male tomcats have barbed penises. What is a barbed penis? Watch my cat porn to find out!

(The barbed penis helps stimulate ovulation FYI)

2. When the deed is done and the tomcat withdraws, the female lets out a really loud cry. Is it a cry of pain (from the barbed penis perhaps?) or a cry of pleasure? Watch my cat porn and judge for yourself!

3. Copulation (the process of fucking-for all you laymen) occurs many times when the female is in heat. Therefore the video is going to be long: more bang for your buck!

4. Females will mate with multiple partners if given the chance. If impregnated, the kittens she has, even though they are in the same litter, may be from different fathers. If Chirps cat mates with other cats, I will add a special feature to my cat porn:

” After the fact: Who my baby daddy?” Featuring Maury Povich. In this segment all the kittens will undergo DNA testing to find out who is the father.

When one of the kittens is proven to be from another father my cat is going to go “I told you bitch! I told you! Whateva! Whateva! Huh!” *does the moonwalk*. Well, actually, he’d probably just go “Meow” and then lick his crotch area.

So after hearing all that, you’d be tempted, atleast a little, to buy my cat porn, right?

Anyway, all my dreams were shattered when my father forbade the meeting of my and Chirp’s cat. I think it was because it would be cruel to give Fahood that kind of pleasure and then have it taken away, but he wouldn’t really discuss it. My mom said “Eeeee! I7na ma 3indina sbayyan yit3arafon 3ala banat oo hal kharabeet! lol”.

And so the love between the two cats has been forbidden.

In retrospect, as much as I would enjoy marketing cat porn, my parents are right. It would be cruel to take away such a pleasure from any creature once it’s known to him. Forgetting the cat porn, the real reason I wanted my cat to “do it” was because my brother would constantly tease my cat with “You’re gonna die a virgin! Nananana!”, which I know my cat doesn’t understand, but I do, and I know I wouldn’t want to die a virgin. So what do you all think? Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Wow, its amazing how I can turn things like cat porn into something so deep. I’m so awesome *hug myself*.

A cat doing a ferret – I think its considered rape

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Here are a couple of random pictures for all of you:

iPod-Compatible Pants

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Hmmmm…?

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From the Internet

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Lumpfish

 lumpfish.jpg

Trying to put the old pics up again:

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barak.jpg

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Que?

September 4, 2007

Anyway, as you can tell from my previous post I’m not having the best week. But that doesn’t mean that you should get depressed and have a crappy week. So I just thought I’d be a little positive and tell you about some things I saw today that made me say “Que?”

First of all, KDD is putting up new ads for ramadan. One of these is for “qamar al-deen” drink which I always thought was tamarind, right? Then why the hell do they have a picture of the apricot drink on there? KDD won’t fool me!

Second of all, a bus passed by me today and there was a large ad stuck on it for “fawazeer 7alima”. As in 7alima Boland. She was dressed in a raggedy-ann outfit. I really don’t understand 7alima. Nor do I want to (I think that the RSPCA should just put that bitch down). But I do want to understand why she is so popular. Now, I’ve seen her on TV a couple of times, I enjoy tamaskharing on her (on how she dresses and the way she behaves). My question is: Is she popular because everybody makes fun of her or is it because she is considered fashionably cool and, dare I say it, kuwaiti girls want to emulate her? I would very much appreciate your input on this.

Third of all, I was walking to work when I could have sworn I saw Nicolas Cage. Well, kinda, I saw a hindi Nicolas Cage. Close enough, in my opinion.

So tell me, what has recently made you say “Que?!”

I also say “Donde estan mis pantalones?” alot, but that’s a completely different story.

Also, I have to make some small political commentary (obviously not concerning kuwaiti politics-because we all know what happens if I do that). So I’m going to address all you people that can vote in next year’s US presidential elections. Everbody knows what you have to do on Novemeber 4th of 2008: You gotsta….

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Oh yeah, another thing that makes me say “que?” is this pop-up that keeps appearing on my computer. I don’t understand it. Why is there a whore in the background? If I want horoscopes I’m not going to click a pop-up with some prostitute on it. And if I want porn I’m not going to go to a horoscope website. I don’t understand the market they’re trying to reach with this pop-up. Let’s think about it….. hmmmm….. Horny Horoscopes. I think that that could actually have a following. I’d read it for a good laugh. Something like:

“Make sure to trim the bush, somebody is going to go down on you today.”

I should really start charging for all these awesome business ideas I give to y’all. I knew my business degree wasn’t useless!

horoscope.jpg

Oh yeah, did you notice the “click here” on her ass? You gotta love that.

 

 

Quote of the Day:

“Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.”

 

 

 

Yeah, yeah, I know, I didn’t post yesterday. I have other things to do you know, I’m not your slave. You can’t just turn me on and off like a light switch you know. God, I’m so under-appreciated.

Anyway, I finished the first season of Dexter yesterday. Quite a good series I must say. Its twisted but I really relate to it. Not that I’m a serial killer, yet, but I understand how it feels to be alone and feel nobody really understands you. There is nobody who really knows me, all of me. There are many people who know different parts of who I am but there is nobody on this earth that knows all of me. And that makes me really sad sometimes.

I just want to be happy, but for some reason I can’t. I can have negative emotions, like anger, sadness and hate, but the positive ones are hard for me. And I can laugh (I laugh alot) and I can feel happiness sometimes be I don’t know if I can BE happy. I don’t know how I feel anymore. The best I can describe it is that I constantly search for temporary highs to make me think that I’m happy. But I’m just deceiving myself. You know that song “there’s gotta be more (to life)”? That’s how I feel.

Anyway, I have no idea why I’m telling you all this (especially since some of you out there know who I am). I don’t want sympathy, I guess I just want somebody out there to say they understand (and actually mean it).

Let’s see, as long as I’m on a roll here I might as well admit to you some more evil things about me.

I enjoy the sight of blood. It turns me on, and I don’t mean sexually, thank you very much. I mean that it excites me. I find blood (only if its running) fascinating and a little bit enchanting. Everytime I’d say that to somebody, even tough macho guys, they freak out a little, like they think I’m going to stab them to see their blood. It’s not like that, just think of it as you think of somebody who likes chocolate. They probably wouldn’t stab somebody with some Cadbury in their pocket. They’d probably just watch longingly as the person eats it, right?

Another thing about me is that I cherish my sleep. It’s beyond sacred to me. I prefer sleeping over being awake. So HUGE WARNING to everybody who knows me: DO NOT BOTHER ME WHEN I’M SLEEPY, SLEEPING OR GOING TO SLEEP.

Now, let me clarify a couple of things. I’m no morbid goth (I like pokemon). And just because I enjoy the sight of blood does not mean I would ever cut myself (I swear those are cat scrathes on my hands and arms! Muhahahaha!). And contrary to popular belief, just because I prefer sleeping to being awake, it does not mean want to be dead. I just want to be asleep, there’s a huge difference.

Anyway, I guess this should be considered my “personal” post, which for most other girls would be considered one about not being able to lose weight and get married or something retarded like that. Don’t you feel closer to me now that you know something a little different about me?

I also like teddy bears and long walks on the beach. Call me!

PS: None of you told me whether you want “drug week” or not. Gosh! You guys suck! Fine, no drugs for you!

I’m sick

August 22, 2007

I’m sick you guys (many people say in more than one way). Anyway, I’m ill, or atleast I’m getting there. I get these ups and downs. One minute I’m fine, another minute I feel like I’m going to pass out. Fucked up…. anyway, so I got hopped up on vitamin C yesterday. It makes you hyperactive if you take too much and your pee turns fluorescent yellow (wicked!).

So I just wanted to explain, if I was acting weirder than usual, its because of the vitamin C overdose. Also the loud-volumed speaking (AKA yelling) is because my ears get horribly blocked when I get sick.

Also, please note that vitamin C will keep you awake if you take it too late in the day. I couldn’t sleep yesterday until 3 am. Which sucks monkey balls because I have to be at work by 7:30. I manage to drag myself to work on time. I show up here, with my rayban wayfarers on and I don’t take them off (because my eyes are all puffy and shit) and people look at me all suspicious (including my boss). I explain its because I’m sick, I don’t think they believe me. But I swear, I’m not hungover! Not today anyway….

Rayban Wayfarers

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Vitamin C is my drug of choice. But it doesn’t really take care of those nasty flu aches and pains. What does? Thats right!: FLAVORED COCAINE! Yummmmy! Its most popular flavors are coconut, strawberry, banana and chocolate.

What does it taste like? The strawberry one tastes “like Strawberry Shortcake just peed down the back of my throat” according to TMZ.com

Flavored cocaine: If that isn’t marketing to children I don’t know what is.

What I do know is snorting things in general is bad for you, don’t do it! Especially, don’t snort powdered sugar candy like Pixie Stix. It might seem like fun because all the other kids are doing it, but just say no! Trust me… just say no to the Pixies *sob*

Pixie Stix

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Pixie Stix Being Snorted

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_____________________________

There are stranger and cooler things in this world than snorting candy. For example:

Glow in the Dark Mushrooms

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With the arrival of Japan’s rainy season, a mysterious type of green, glow-in-the-dark mushroom begins to sprout in Wakayama prefecture. The Mycena lux-coeli mushrooms, known locally as shii no tomobishi-dake (literally, “chinquapin glow mushrooms”), sprout from fallen chinquapin trees. As they grow, a chemical reaction involving luciferin (a light-emitting pigment contained within the mushrooms) occurs, causing them to glow a ghostly green. (Kiwipulse)

Luciferin is also on of the chemicals that causes fireflies to light up. I wish I had luciferin in my body. I would use it to convey messages to those around me. For example, if my boobs lightup that means: I’m horny. Wow, glow in the dark boobs would be cool. I would sooooo be the most popular person at a rave. While all the rest of the girls are trying to dance all sexy with their glowsticks, I’d just take my top off and go”That’s right bitches, they glow in the dark! Woooo woooo! Motorboat!” *brrrrrrrrrmmmm*

That last one is for my little friend who I saved in the time of the Bonbonas stool adventure. (The rest of you might not get it).

You know who has great green boobs? The starbucks mermaid, atleast the one that’s in Whitechapel in England. They put those burlesque nipple covers on her:

starbucksboob.jpg

and just FYI. The starbucks logo used to be different before it was taken over by the corporate devils. She used to have nipples and a bellybutton. But they changed the logo so that she wouldn’t offend people. Here’s how she used to look:

starbucks_logo_older.jpg

Anyway, you know what I would really like to have: The paintball gun below. I’ve haven’t paintballed yet. But I know if I had this gun I’d kick-ass at it.

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Man, the insides of my ears itch like crazy! Would it be too inappropriate if I stuck my finger in there and gave them a good scratch? I mean if my cat can lick his balls then I should be able to stick my finger into my ears, right? Fine! I’ll just wait until I get home and use a q-tip. Gosh! You guys are so judgmental!

Anyway, since we started off on the topic of drug, we’ll end with it. Here’s a nice read from BileDuct (I can’t remember if I posted it before- my memory sucks: damn you Pixie Stix, DAMN YOUUUUUUUUU!)

 

This is Your Child on Drugs.

So I was watching TV the other day and saw a new Partnership for a Drug-Free America commercial. Actually I don’t think they’re called that anymore. They have some new 21st century name or something. Anyway, you know who I’m talking about. The commercial featured an average looking teenage boy doing a talking-head monologue that went something like this:

Hey teenager, are your parents watching this with you? Good. Have they talked to you about the drug ecstasy yet? No? They still think partying is about drinking beer, huh? They don’t know good kids just like you take ecstasy. They’ve never asked about the vitamins in your room or the glow-stick jewelry. Ecstasy can kill you and drugs are bad.

OK, I don’t think he actually said “drugs are bad”, but I forget how he wraps up.

Anyway, I just want to say thank God for this commercial! It’s high time parents were made aware of the drug ecstasy (not to be confused with the emotion ecstasy) and its inextricable link to glow-stick jewelry. Where there is glow-stick jewelry there is, without a doubt, ecstasy. Probably ketamine too.

But unfortunately, this commercial doesn’t go nearly far enough toward educating parents. Every drug out there has definitive warning signs, so as a public service I’m going to list them below.

By far, the biggest indicator of drug use in general is moodiness and rebelliousness in teenagers. Non drug using teenagers are perfectly happy, self-actualized individuals that have super relationships with their parents and their entire families. If your teenager shies away from family activities and seems to want to spend a lot of time out of the house or alone, seek counseling immediately.

If your teenager exhibits moodiness and rebellion, the music he or she listens to and the way they dress can help you determine exactly what drug they are addicted to. Generally speaking, if your child listens to the same music you listened to when you were young, it’s a safe bet they take the same drugs you did. Classic rock means marijuana and 80’s pop is a sure sign of cocaine.

Here are some specific warning signs that your child is in trouble with drugs and other nefarious activities.

Does your child wear baggy hip-hop clothing and listen to rap music?

Your child smokes crack.

Does your child wear tie-dyed t-shirts and listen to The Grateful Dead, Phish, Widespread Panic or Government Mule?

Your child smokes pot and takes LSD.

Does your child listen to The Velvet Underground or Nirvana?

Definitely heroin. If no track marks are evident, he or she shoots it under his toenails or eyelids.

Does your child listen to heavy metal music?

Methamphetamine.

Does your child listen to the blues?

Your child shot a man in Memphis.

Does your child listen to Marilyn Manson?

Your child worships The Devil and fucks dead kittens (unless your child is a girl, in which case she fucks live dobermans).

Does your child listen to techno dance music?

Ecstasy and ketamine again. That this was left out of the PSA described above is a huge disservice to paranoid parents.

Does your child wear ripped clothing, dye their hair funny colors and listen to punk rock?

Your child sniffs butyl nitrate and is probably bisexual, unless they are just a poseur.

Is your child a high-school cheerleader or football player?

You have nothing to worry about. Your child is a good old fashioned red blooded American alcoholic.

Does your child listen to 1940’s swing music by black bandleaders?

Your child smokes marijuana, but spells it “marihuana”.

Does your child lift weights?

Duh!! Steroids!! If your daughter lifts weights she probably also wolfs muff.

Is your child a teen starlet?

She smokes cigarettes and snorts cocaine.

Does your child wear Wranglers jeans, shirts with snap buttons and listen to country and/or western music?

Again, nothing to worry about. It’s only beer and Jack Daniels.

Does your teenage daughter spend much of her free time at the mall?

Your daughter sucks cock for money.

Does your teenage son spend much of his free time at the mall?

Your son sucks cock for free.

Does your child listen to Christian rock?

Your child is an idiot. They also have no taste and no friends.

Would your child rather spend time on the internet than watching TV?

This is huge. The best you can hope for is that your child is a geek. Other signs of geekdom include reading when not required to (especially science fiction), Monty Python and Dungeons and Dragons. Dungeons and Dragons is also a sure sign of Satanism, so seek immediate religious counseling and possibly exorcism.

If internet use is high but no symptoms of geekdom exist, there is only one other possibility. Your child is meeting middle-aged men in chat rooms then meeting them at the mall to have sex with them.

Does your teen seem nervous around the opposite sex?

Your child is homosexual.

While the temptations facing teens in the 21st century are many, by familiarizing yourself with the warning signs and remaining vigilant, you can save your children. If your child exhibits any of these warning signs, they should be institutionalized at once.

____________________________________

______________________________________________

 

Quote of the Day:

“You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.” – Rowan Atkinson.

 

 

 

 

 

Ladies and gentleheathens! Step right up to the new edition of The Chronicles of Random. Today we’re going to start off with the wonderful topic of relegion. Specifically, shi-aights! and sunnis.

Let me give you some background on me first so that you know that I am not genetically or environmentally biased to either side. I am a half-blood. That’s right, i said it: I’m half shiite and half sunni.

Shocked? If you aren’t, good. But most typically Kuwaiti people get a confused look on their face and they look at me like some sort of mutant. It’s really funny.

Now, let me clarify, I am technically shiite (because daddykins is). Do I really believe that Shiite are better than Sunnis? Or that one is more true or correct than the other?

Nope: It’s all essentially the same crap. That’s right I said crap. I’m going to hell. I mean please people, do you really think because you pray to God 10 minutes early or late (depending on which side you’re on), that God will smite you? Who are you kidding? God is supposed to be merciful and great and only strikes the wicked. If he is evil and retarded enough to judge me on silly things like a 10 minute lag, how I wear a hijab (and if I wear one at all), how can I respect Him as a great being and pray to him?

Would you pray to a God that is evil and spiteful? I wouldn’t. If you do, well, you’re essentially praying to the devil. You satanist!

The God I pray to is good, kind, merciful, understanding, and knows the core of all of his creatures. And he knows that I am essentially good and caring. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Offended? Good. I want to offend both parties. Because you’re both as retarded as each other- and yet you’re both convinced you’re the best. Do you really think God is going to give you a gold star and put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on your hand for hating your fellow brethren and completely believing you’re the shit because somebody “told you so”. Fuck that!

Now, let me tell you my experience on being Shiite: There’s discrimination (it exists) and some sunni people feeling threatened if you talk about your side of religion (it’s kind of like a negro talking to a polite white supremacist today: it shows that the white supremacist is disturbed by the negro and what he’s saying but he doesn’t want to say anything- atleast not to the negro’s face).

Anyway, there’s a bunch of crappy things that some Shiite people do: i.e. flagellation and self-mutilation. Which is so stupid. And you don’t even have to be Shiite to do that. A bunch of other religious factions believe in faith through pain. So you’re not special. Another thing is, do you really think you’re not bringing anybody back from the dead by creating such a ruckus? I very much doubt Al-Hasan or Al-Husain give a rat’s ass that you’re beating yourselves for them? They’re probably shaking their heads and thinking “idiots”.

On the other hand there are some kick-ass pros to being Shiite rather than being Sunni.

  1. Can get married without your father’s approval
  2. Can inherit all of your parent’s money if you’re an only daughter. As opposed to being Sunni, where you’re male cousins get their grubby hands on some of the moola.
  3. You can watch people be buried and go to the cemetery, even if you’re a girl. My understanding is in the Sunni cemetery (separate cemeteries- how fucked up), if you’re a girl, you can’t go in – or you can only go on specific days.

So basically, being Shiite is better for you (in terms of rights), if you’re a girl.

Anyway, I want to know what you all think about the whole Shi3a, Sunna thing, or if you even think about it at all. Comments people! Comments!

PS: I wasn’t raised a shii3i or sunni: Actually, funny story- as a kid, whenever I heard people say shii3i or sunni I always thought it was a soccer team like qadsawi or 3arbawi. Seriously! I never new there were two Islamic factions until I was way older. So then how was I raised, as in what was I raised to be?

Simple: I was raised to be a good person. Which is more than I can say for alot of people out there.

Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Just be a good person. That’s what God wants you to be.

_____________________________

On a lighter note: PICTURE TIME! And they’re of animals. Yay!!!!!!!!

Alpaca

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Angora Rabbit- fuzzzzzzzzzzzzzy!

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Axolotl

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Aye Aye

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Blobfish

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Dumbo Octopus

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Emperor Tamarin – Loving the beard!

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Frill-NeckedLizard- Like the one in Jurassic Park!

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Hagfish

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Komondor Dog- He’s jumping.

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Narwhal

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Proboscis Monkey

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Red Panda

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Star-Nosed Mole

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Sucker-Footed Bat

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Sunbear-AKA Dogbear

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Tapir

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Tarsier

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White-Faced Saki Monkey

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Yeti Crab

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___________________________________

I was on the phone with Tooomz and from that conversation comes the quote of the day:

Me: Why aren’t you listening to me?

Tooomz: “I’m reading about the troubles of Britney Spears”

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Note: Flippy died. And I’m really really sad. I feel guilty. He seemed to be getting better. So I didn’t take him to the vet. I should have taken him to the vet. :( *sob*

I’d hit that….

August 15, 2007

Its amazing how people can change with a good haircut. For example, Milo Ventimiglia (the man-nurse that absorbs people’s powers in Heroes). I first saw him in Gilmore Girls (which sucks as a show BTW). He looked crappy. Kinda gay. In Heroes he looked a little better (more mature ‘n’ crap) but he still had that gay emo haircut that made him look like ickypoo.

Other people thought he was hot. My thought was “Yeah, I’d hit that….with a stick”. But now that he’s gotten a haircut he looks pretty damn good. Now, I’d hit that. PERIOD.

BEFORE

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AFTER

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Yummy! Now, ofcourse you all have to get some kind of lesson out of this. So what’s today’s lesson? Well, today’s lesson is in etymology. We will be exploring the phrase “I’d hit that”, which I just used above.

As you all probably know: it is phrase, commonly used by males, meaning “I would like to have sex with that person”.

What you probably don’t know, which I didn’t know until a second ago is:

 

The phrase “I’d hit that” has now come to refer to an individual’s stated desire to perform sexual relations with a (typically McDonald’s) hamburger.

Background: An unfortunate McDonald’s advertising campaign, circa early 2005, developed under the assumption that the use of urban lexicon might appeal to a previously underrepresented demographic, i.e., the burger-fetishists.

“Double Cheeseburger? I’d hit it. I’m a Dollar Menu guy.”

I got that from the Urban Dictionary BTW.

My reaction to that is: REALLY? People have sex with McDonald’s hamburgers? Damn! I mean, why a hamburger? Why not a McDonald’s Apple Pie or their new salads? I just don’t get it. And would they talk dirty to it? “Yeah baby, I’m gonna do you better than any grill you’ve ever been on!” Loool. And towards the end he’d go “Get ready baby. I’m ketchuping! I’m KETCHUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGG! UUUUUUUUUGGHHHH!!”

Loooooool….. that is so disgusting! It’s so sick and disgusting that it’s freaking hilarious!
There is a possibility that that whole sex with hamburgers definition isn’t even true, but I’d better stop saying it, just in case. I don’t want people thinking I have sex with McDonald’s hamburgers. I mean if I’m going to have sex with any hamburger it’s going to be with the one at Gaucho. Why? Because everybody knows; Argentinian meat is bigger and better!

Damn, I’m on a roll today! All of you are probably completely grossed out by now, which is a plus for me. I love messing with people. Calm down now. You at least learnt something new today, right? Yeah, you did. So be grateful bitches!

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Let’s switch to another topic: Hoverboards.

I’ve always wanted a hoverboard, not since Back to the Future, but since The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest. Those hoverboards were kick-ass! And guess what?

“Professor Ulf Leonhardt and Dr Thomas Philbin, from the University of St Andrews in Scotland found a way to reverse the Casimir effect, making it repel instead of attract. Soon frictionless nanomachines will having moving parts below your feet to propel you as far away from Biff as your heart desires.”

That’s right! Hoverboards-Coming soon!!!! For more info check out:

BustAChange

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Man, there are so many good things to post about, but I don’t want to overwhelm you, so: Its time for pictures!

 

Here piggy piggy! Suuuuuuweeee!

(The resemblance is striking)

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Actual Sign

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Oh Shit! Ouuuuuuchhhh!

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So true….

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PS: Do you guys think the font is too small? I do. How do I change it? Tekmology is komplimicated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flippy

August 12, 2007

Hullo! Hullo!

I’m back to the drudgery I have concluded is masked unemployment. And so I’m back to trying to entertain myself by entertaining you all.

First, let’s talk about “No woman, No cry”. Now, as you all know, or you should know: Bob Marley was a divine prophet who’s songs are complex. He spoke mostly of love, peace, Rastafari (everything from Jah to Zion), struggle against oppression, and ofcourse the Lord’s good herb.

The meanings of his songs are disputed. But here’s pretty much what I think “No woman, no cry” means: It’s a song about the hard life in the ghetto and the struggle therein. And “No woman, no cry” means to me that no woman in the ghetto should be sad and cry. Or he could be telling one specific woman not to cry (his wife Rita). Another viable possibility is that the woman is the Queen of England and Bob was saying if she (ie. the British) wasn’t there would be no suffering. The only reason I say this is because alot of Bob’s songs are political on a level. But I think that in the context of this song the first two explanations are more suitable.

But it doesn’t mean that you’re better off not having a woman.

Anyway, the reason I was asking was because a friend and I were debating people’s thoughts on the song so I thought I’d get your input. Thanks y’all because I won the argument! Yay! Free beers all around!

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Anyway, I want you suggestion on something else… The other day I was going into my house when I saw this poor bird/pigeon flipping and rolling around in the garden. Now this wasn’t the La-Di-Da “let’s frolic and romp in the grass” type of flipping, there was something wrong with this bird. So of course I had to rescue it. The poor thing can’t eat or drink itself and so I have to hand feed it (which is really time-consuming, this thing as a really tiny beak).
Anyway, I’ve decided to call the bird Flippy unless you can suggest a better name. So can you? Can you?!

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Here’s something funny for you:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch.”

Prophet’s life lesson of the day:

Don’t Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant

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Now, I’ve always been a thinker and a philosopher. Now that I’ve graduated from college, I’ve been thinking more and more about the meaning of my life and what I’m supposed to do with it. I try to lead a full, peaceful life and yet I have this aching fear within me. It’s a fear I can’t quite put my finger on. I figured out what part of my fear is thanks to the brief flash video: Life and Music.

http://www.coldhardflash.com/2007/07/flash-animated-philosophy-from-south.html

And so I’ve discovered that I’m terrified going to miss the music because of all of the “should”s and “cant”s that are imposed on, and weighing down, upon me. *deep sigh*

I know, I know, I’m so deep. Anyway, the other philosophy flash film I like is “I”:

http://www.freshminds.com/animation/alan_watts_i.html

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R. Kelly statue?

On a lighter note: I saw The Simpsons movie and The Bourne Ultimatum this weekend. I would recommend both. And with that I’m off, until tomorrow my white-out sniffing readers (I know you do it)!

Spiderpig, spiderpig…………

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Your hairdresser

August 7, 2007

Ola chicos and chicas! Welcome back to another edition of The Prophet’s Life Lessons. Today’s lesson: Make sure you really know who your marrying, cuz some people is fucked up!

My crew here at work keep me updated on Kuwait’s happenings, I wouldn’t really know otherwise because I don’t concern myself with such things. Anyway, today’s newest piece of gossip is that a top surgeon from a “good” family here in Kuwait recently married a Tunisian hairdresser. Ok, cool, not too scandalous. Who cares? The bitch slap in it is that he’s already married and he got to know the hairdresser because she’d come and do his wife’s hair at their home…….. oh snap!

I’d be feeling pretty pissed if I were this guy’s wife. I mean, my fucking hairdresser? You see ladies? That’s why I’m not going to marry a Kuwaiti man*. They fuck our maids and marry our hairdressers. I mean if I were going to do something like have an affair or marry somebody else I’d screw a hot Italian man and marry a part-royal British millionaire. You try to get something better than what you have, you climb up the ladder not down, I guess some people just lack common logic.

I mean really, what would you think if a kuwait girl came up to you and said she slept with her driver and married the shawarma guy at Badr il Budoor**. You wouldn’t go “You go girl! Gimme five!”. Atleast I wouldn’t.

I’m not trying to to say Kuwaiti women are any better. They’re just as messed up. For example, yesterday I went power-walking in Muhalab (I’m trying to become healthy and shit). Now, I’ve got to let you know that I’ve gone to Muhalab maybe 5 times in my life and its always been at night and two of those times is was just to jog around the top floor. I went yesterday, at around 3.20 so I managed to make “prostitution time”.

The girls from the college of business studies go to muhalab and flirt and sometimes leave with these random 3agad guys. And all these girls are munaqab, wearing a fitted (seriously fitted) 3abayat and tons of make up. The niqab isn’t a problem (the girl shows the guy her face if she’s interested in him—saw it myself). And they walk around in groups and shit and talk to any random 3agady guy (who’s obviously there to ta3arraf). These girls are some serious hos. And apparently, alot of the girls wear only lingerie under their 3abayat (so they’re ready when they need to get it on). Also notice that there are probably 6 lingerie shops in muhalab (because of the concentration of hos).

And the guys are no better. They’re 3gadi skinny-ass, mufasal dishdasha bastards. They do things like walk around in pairs trying to talk up girls while holding hands (as in the two guys are holding hands. Uuuuuuggggggggghhhhhh! *shudder*)

So what’s the point?: Make sure to know who the hell you marry because if you don’t he may end up being the type of person that marries your hairdresser, or you wife might end up giving you the clap because she used to be one of the Muhalab hos. You just never know these days.

*Kuwaiti girls are no better
**Its okay if you marry somebody from Badr Al-Budoor because they have the best kabab sandwiches!

+++ I would write more on this topic but it’s time to go home and you guys don’t pay me enough to stay overtime. Wait… now that I think of it, you pay me nothing! Hmmmmphh! I’m leaving!

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Under the Sea

August 2, 2007

Its my birthday bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay! I’ve now officially turned the sweet and tender age of 23. I know I can’t go as crazy here as I could in the States but I still think I’m going to have a good time.

Anyway, as I was sitting here at work, with my ipod, reminiscing about the past when an old school song started to play:

” The seaweed is always greener
In somebody else’s lake
You dream about going up there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor
Such wonderful things surround you
What more is you lookin’ for?

Under the sea
Under the sea
Darling it’s better
Down where it’s wetter
Take it from me
Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away
While we devotin’
Full time to floatin’
Under the sea”

…………….

I am NOT A DORK. Disney music is cool! Anyway, that song used to help me appreciate what I have (you know, the seaweed seems greener in someone else’s lake but what you have is actually just as green). Anyway, I used to believe that its better down where its wetter until I saw the pictures below.

Enjoy viewing some of the creepiest deep sea creatures:

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Blobfish

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Blue-Ringed Octopus: It’s fatally venomous to humans and they don’t have and antidote yet.

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Chimera

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Colossal Squid: The name says it all

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Dana Octopus Squid: It emits flashes of light to disorient its prey

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Dragonfish: Creepy

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Fangtooth: Imagine this thing chomping into your arm

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Firefly squid

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Handfish: I think its kinda cute. I wanna eat it.

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Lizardfish

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Megamouth Shark: This motherfucker could swallow you whole

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Oarfish: Yeah, its long. I have decided to invent a new pick up line dedicated to this creature: “Hey baby, you wanna so swimming? I’ll let you play with my oarfish *guy points to crotch*”

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Ocean Sunfish

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Pelican Eel: You see that squid? It was eaten by the eel. Don’t ask me how.

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Rattail: That is one scary mouth

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Sea Cucumber

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Searobin

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Viperfish: With teeth like large needles-ouch!

I don’t even know what these next ones are, if our resident marine biologist (Alia) is reading this, maybe you can help.

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I would call it: Penis-head shark

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I would like to call this one Mendoza

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?

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Gohjilla! Gohjilla! (Godzilla in Japanese)

 

Thats all for today booboos! I have to go, I’m planning to escape work early today so I can prepare for the massive partying tonight. Cheerio!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m back!

July 29, 2007

Hullo hullo! I’m back!

Now, now, I know, I’ve been off for two weeks instead of one. Despite popular belief, I didn’t pull a Dave Chapelle (convert to Islam and go to Africa). Nor did I die because of a puss-oozing infection in my nose. Don’t worry kids, Jah live!

Anyway, it’s update time!

Surgery: the surgery went well. No pain, lots of juicy blood. And a cup filled with pieces of my nose (all relevant pictures will be posted soon). I ended up taking two weeks off instead of one (you may have noticed that). I spent those two weeks sleeping and watching tv. I don’t use the internet while I’m at home. I have no idea why. Actually, I do. My house is cursed. If you step into it, you will do NOTHING. Seriously, my house just sucks the life out of you. But my house is another story for another time.

Cake: I have to tell y’all that I had a farewell gathering for a friend of mine that went off to finish his studies and I got THE MOST KICK-ASS CAKE! I got it from La Gourmet. It’s a specialty cake (pictures to be posted soon).

Pussy: I shaved my pussy yesterday (again, for you dirty-minded people I mean the one that meows and actually comes when you tell it to- get it? Comes when you tell it to? Lool… ahem..anyway). My retarded cat has been shedding like a motherfucker and with my nose and allergies, I just couldn’t have that- so I took him to the International Vet Hospital in Wafra and had him shaved. God damn! He looks like a freak now! I decided to have his entire body shaved with the exception of his head and a tuft at the end of his tail. Everybody in my house hates me now. My mom says he looks like a ratty-ass street cat. My dad keeps looking at the cat in disgust while shaking his head and saying to me “allah iy-sam7itch”. My younger brother can’t stop laughing when he sees the cat. My older brother refuses to touch the cat claiming that he looks like a naked man. And that watching the cat lick himself is like watching porn. The thing you need to understand about my cat is that he was so furry you couldn’t really see his body before. But now, you can see him in all his blazing glory (ie. his balls are VERY prominent).

Loool… man, my cat is a riot. Oh, how I love him so! That’s not all, I want to put some henna on him. Just on the tip of his tail and a small mohawk on the top of his head. Don’t worry, he’s fine with what’s going on. I thought that shaving him would make him all depressed and shit but it didn’t. He became playful like a weight was lifted from him. Another thing that you have to know, is that though my cat is cool, he has his retarded moments. For example, we have an elevator at home, and my cat took it upon himself to try to go in when the door was closing and almost shut. Needless to say, I was looking at a cat sandwich in an elevator-door bun. That’s right, my retarded cat got his head stuck in the elevator. Poor bastard.

Anyway, I’m back at a work now. So I’ll be blogging again. Everybody is out on vacation so there’s even less work to do here. That means the amount of work I have to do actually went down from 2 to -15.

Anyway, I’ll post the pictures soon (I promise). Don’t worry we have many long summer days ahead of us. By the time the summer’s done pictures will be coming out of your nose.

Oooh oooh! My birthday is this Thursday. I still don’t know how I’m going to celebrate. I’m thinking it would be a perfect time to henna the cat…..

Confessions

July 11, 2007

I woke up nice and early today, and i’m actually feeling pretty good. I think that this would be a good time to confess somethings about myself.

  • I’ve eaten the stem of a tulip. I was just curious what it would taste like, it tastes exactly like celery
  • I used to chew tissues when I was a kid (they were clean tissues). I have a hyperactive salivatory gland and thats how I would control it.
  • I lick people. I’ve discovered, over the years, that digust is the most effective weapon. Like when I would fight over the remote with my one of my brothers or sisters, licking their hand or just opening my mouth and let the saliva seep onto their hands was highly effective in getting them to let go.  Most recently I licked the side of my brother’s face. Let’s just say he got REALLY pissed. Loool. I’m so powerful. Downside to licking= bad taste and stubble burn (if you’re licking a guy’s face).  Summary: If all else fails try licking somebody to get what you want.

You guys should feel blessed that I’m sharing my life’s lessons with you. This is great, valuable information your parents won’t tell you.

Since I’m feeling good right now, today’s post won’t contain anything morbid or tragic. We’ll start out with cute animal pictures. They’re so fuzzy-wuzzy-cuddly-wuddly… ahem:

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Okay so that last one was ugly. Poor dog’s called Sam and he’s the world’s ugliest dog (poor bastard). This next picture (and the article below) is for the guys:

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I know, ladies, I know. If your husbad is to be staring at other women’s breasts what are you going to do? Well, I’ll tell you what: Make sure that he lives those extra 4-5 years in poverty. This next picture is for the ladies:

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It doesn’t matter whether you are a man or a woman, we’ve all been bred from the same dirt. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a man or a woman, we all loved our mother’s milk, and now you can love it again!:

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That’s right, mother’s milk in a carton! Yuuuuuuuuuummmmmm! They sell this stuff in Japan. I wonder what the factory looks like. Hmmmmmm…… or maybe you can work from home. If I was supplying them with the milk I’d just ask to work from home with a bucket and I’d just milk myself and send it to the factory at the end of the day. That would be an awesome job! I’d get to stay at home and essentially play with myself.

You know when you think about how life would be if you were something else, like a dog, for example. Well, I’ve decided that one of the last things I’d want to be is a cactus. Why?

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Cacti are so misunderstood. Word.

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Mmmmm….. Drugs

July 10, 2007

“The principle of individual freedom linked to social responsibility lies at the heart of our democracy.  As an adult and responsible member of society I absolutely assert my right to take any mind-altering substance, be that ecstasy, alcohol, heroin, tobacco or cannabis.  No one, least of all the state, has the right to tell me otherwise”

I completely agree. Governments, except for the benevolent dictatorship I intend to establish, are evil. Only my God and and I decide whats wrong for me (since I’m not harming anybody). I should be able to but as much Sudafed as I want without having the pharmacist call the cop because he thinks I’m going to make meth with it.

Everybody is addicted to something. It could be tobacco, cannabis, alcohol, caffiene, love, exercise, attention or anything. Anything in excess is bad for you, but just enough makes you feel so damn good. What you’re addicted to is feeling good. And what’s wrong with that? In a world where things are and feel so bad sometimes, why can’t you try to make yourself feel good? The government shouldn’t have the authority to tell you you can’t feel good (as long as you aren’t hurting people). It’s like they’re telling you you can’t masturbate, or can’t blow bubbles with your bubblegum. Its wrong to tell people that they can’t do things that make them feel good. 

Anyway, I want to start a page dedicated to drugs and such. Life is just huge chemical reaction. and I think we should learn about the chemicals that might be involved in this reaction. I’ll try to post the page, as soon as I feel like it and as soon as I figure out how. Teknolodjy is hard.

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St. Cannabobby

Anyways, I ordered Blackadder Yes, Primeminister and some other DVDs to help me get thru next week (post-surgery). I expect well-wishers armed with painkillers to visit me at home and dote on me. I’ve been trying to think of ways to occupy myself while I’m at home. I appreciate any suggestions. Here’s what I’ve come up wih so far: 

  1. Shave my cat  (my dad won’t let me)

  2. Dye my cat blue- with blue kool-aid and vinegar.

  3. Apply to gradschool (productive but boring)

  4. Work on my tan (the doctor said no sun exposure)

  5. Discover a something new to sleep to. The best things to sleep to so far are:   

  • Golf Channel

  • Japanese TV

  • The America’s Cup

 That’s what I’ve thought of so far. Whatever I do though can’t raise my blood pressure and dilate my blood vessels otherwise I’ll start bleeding all over then place = shweet!

Has anybody seen the new transformers movie? Lemme know how it was.

Here’s some silliness to end this post:

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Dolphins

July 5, 2007

This post is specifically for McBastard. But I will allow you all you enjoy it. I’m sooooo great and kind, I love myself.

Anyway, for McBastard:

I’m at work with nothing to do. So I will educate you:
Firstly, I love a man in uniform. And I know you’ll have a new appreciation for the military once you read the following:

“Dolphins have been used by the US military in various capacities for the past several decades, but the Navy has repeatedly denied rumors that it has trained dolphins to run kamikaze bomb missions into enemy boats or submarines or perform other deadly acts.

Still, there have been reports over the years of other military uses of dolphins. A 60 Minutes report featured dolphin trainers who claimed they personally taught dolphins to intercept enemy divers of the coast of Vietnam. The dolphins were able to corral divers, tearing off their face masks and regulators.

In addition, the BBC reported that Russia sold its military dolphins to Iran for use in the Persian Gulf. Little is known as to how Iran deployed the dolphins.”

Loooool! Imagine a dolphin ripping the scuba gear off of you! POWERFUL! Now I know why you “appreciate” dolphins so much.

I was reading more about your favorite weapon, the trebuchet. The one thing that I didn’t know about it, which also made me like it much more is the following:

“The trebuchet is also believed to be an early biological weapon, as armies would load the trebuchet with corpses riddled with diseases like the Black Plague and hurl them into areas under seige in the hopes of infecting large numbers of their enemies.”

Bastardly, I would love to do that! Blast plague-ridden corpses onto people. Ahhhhh…. man, I was born in the place and time.

And now, for the topic we were discussing the other day, Mr. Hands. I was mistaken: the man didn’t do the horse. The horse did him.

“Kenneth Pinyan (June 22, 1960 – July 2, 2005) was a Seattle, Washington resident who engaged in sexual activity with full-size stallions near Enumclaw, Washington, some of which he videotaped and distributed informally under the name Mr Hands. His death at the age of 45 from accidental internal injury (perforated colon), in July 2005, received during a sex act being videotaped by a friend of his, was one of the most read stories in The Seattle Times for that year, and prompted the passing of a bill in Washington State prohibiting both sex with animals, and the videotaping of the same, some months later.

A video often named Mrhands.mpg showing a stallion having anal sex with Pinyan is sometimes used as a shock video on the internet; however, this is not the video of the fatal accident. A documentary of the life and death of Pinyan, and the life led by those who came to the farm near Enumclaw as he did, debuted at the Sundance Film Festival 2007 under the title Zoo. It was one of 16 winners out of 856 candidates for the festival, and played at numerous regional festivals in the USA thereafter. Following Sundance, it was also selected as one of the top five American films to be presented at the “prestigious” Directors Fortnight sidebar at the 2007 Cannes Film Festival. ”

More accurately he died by “Basically, his colon was ruptured, along with his lower organs in that region, and he bled out.”

NASTY!!!!!!! This is why I say sex with animals is wrong!

You can find another article on Mr. Hands in the encylopedia of stupid (it also allegedly has the link to the video): http://www.encyclopediaofstupid.com/stupid/index.php/Mr._Hands

I honestly haven’t seen the video so I don’t know if the link on there works. I don’t have the guts to see it. I’m afraid the images will be permanently burned into my eyeballs.  Let me know if you see it.

For everybody else, I can’t believe that I didn’t post about this before. I thought that I did. I was going to post about the most unusual deaths of the 21st century, I guess I forgot. I’m such a good educator though! I think I should become a kindergarten teacher, don’t you?

“Sex with horses is wrong kids. Can you say, bea-stia-li-ty? Yaaaaaaaaay!”

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Normal human-horse relationship

Thanks to sknkwrkz for the good wishes. I feel the love.

I am sick but at least my disease won’t have the following headline and byline:

 African Bacteria Ate Holes in Girl’s Eyes

A British Columbia teenager’s dream trip to Africa turned into a nightmare when bacteria began eating her eyes.

Loooooooooooool! That completely sucks monkey ass! Imagine bacteria were eating your eyes out. Unforetunately, I couldn’t find a picture of the girl, so you’ll just have to use your imagination. To help, I drew you a picture but I can’t uplaod it (how bastardly).

Anyway, I’m grateful that when I get sick I don’t get as sick as some other people. To help the rest of you ungrateful sods appreciate your lives I’m going to show you some of these diseases. I’ll keep the pictures small for the gross ones (click to enlarge):

1. Elephantiasis: grossly enlarged members
Lymphatic filariasis, also known as elephantiasis, is best known from dramatic photos of people with grossly enlarged or swollen arms and legs. The disease is caused by parasitic worms, including Wuchereria bancrofti, Brugia malayi, and B. timori, all transmitted by mosquitoes. Lymphatic filariasis currently affects 120 million people worldwide, and 40 million of these people have serious disease. When an infected female mosquito bites a person, she may inject the worm larvae, called microfilariae, into the blood. The microfilariae reproduce and spread throughout the bloodstream, where they can live for many years. Often disease symptoms do not appear until years after infection. As the parasites accumulate in the blood vessels, they can restrict circulation and cause fluid to build up in surrounding tissues. The most common, visible signs of infection are excessively enlarged arms, legs, genitalia, and breasts.

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2. Progeria: the 80-Year-Old Children
 Progeria is caused by a single tiny defect in a child’s genetic code, but it has devastating and life-changing consequences. On average, a child born with this disease will be dead by the age of 13. As they see their bodies fast forward through the normal process of ageing they develop striking physical symptoms, often including premature baldness, heart disease, thinning bones and arthritis. Progeria is extremely rare, there are only around 48 people living with it in the whole world. However, there is a family that has five children with the disease.

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This kid is 13 years old

3. Werewolf Syndrome: the wolf people
 When two year-old Abys DeJesus grew dark, hairy patches on her face, doctors said she has a condition known as Human Werewolf Syndrome. The disease is called werewolf syndrome because people with it look like werewolves – except without the sharp teeth and claws. In Mexico, a large family of men had hair that covered their faces and upper bodies. Two brothers were even offered a part in the X-Files but they turned down the offer.

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4. Pica: the urge to eat non-food substances
People diagnosed with Pica have an insatiable urge to eat non-food substances like dirt, paper, glue and clay. Though it is believed to be linked with mineral deficiency, health experts have found no real cause and no cure for this disorder.

5. Vampire Disease: pain from the sun
There are people out there who go to great lengths to avoid the sun. If they are caught in the sun, their skin will blister. Some of them have pain and blistering as soon as the sun touches their skin. Ok, so they’re not actually vampires. They don’t drink blood and sleep in coffins, but they do suffer from a rare disease that has vampire-like symptoms.

I think I might have a mild form of vampire disease, or I might REALLY BE a vampire. Muhahahaha! *Dum dum*

6. Walking Corpse Syndrome:

It is a syndrome of mental depression and suicidal tendencies, in which the patient complains of having lost everything: possessions, part of or entire body, often believing that he or she has died and is a walking corpse. This delusion is usually expanded to the degree that the patient might claim that he can smell his own rotting flesh and feel worms crawling through his skin. The latter phenomenon is a recurring experience of people chronically deprived of sleep or suffering amphetamine/cocaine psychosis. Paradoxically, being “dead” often gives the patient the nation of being immortal.

Wow, I’m really lucky that I don’t have a really bad disease. I will no longer (for today) complain about bodily pain and not being able to breathe. I hope all of you learnt to appreciate how lucky you are.

Until tomorrow kids! Remember: Wrap it up!

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