February 3, 2008
And so, just like Jesus, I have returned!
I reached a point at work, and in my life, where I felt completely blah. Only those who have felt it truly know the blah feeling. Anyway, I decided that I was going to quit this dead-end job. And I went to my boss and I told him that I was quitting. He suggested I take a vacation. And so I thought “okay, I’ll take a paid vacation and if I want to quit afterwards I will”. And so I took a month off. I was stuck here in Kuwait the whole time, which sucked monkey balls, but it was a vacation nonetheless. During this month, I decided that even though this job is retarded (TIMMY!) atleast I get paid decently for the shit I do, my coworkers are pleasant enough, and I can fuck around on the internet. Also, it would be really hard to ragga3 unemployment on a resume or grad application. And so I decided that I would give it another go.
And so, today is my first day back. Everything is pretty much the same, except there is a new Kuwaiti guy working with us now, seems alright. And the work is the same retarded crap, as in it is literally THE SAME. The stuff I had been working on more than a month ago is still not complete. How ridiculous is that?
One important thing has changed: I now have realized that this is a job and not a career. I know that the only reason I’m here is because I need to be. I don’t need to love it, I need to bear it, atleast for now anyway.
And with my job comes the return of my blogging.
Wow, and with that I have suddenly come up with the name of my new blog (I’ve run out of space on this one, remember?) :
And so my new blog is born –
The Chronicles of Random: Resurrection
There’s nothing on there yet, I’ll let you know when its up and running….
Anyway, I started this post with the intent of discussing two things.
First, spam. No, not the processed meat in a can, I mean the crap that gets sent to you via email or as blog comments (blam) trying to sell you junk. You know, “Breast Enhancement Cream: Guaranteed 2 cups in 2 hours!”
Why is it that most of the spam you get is sexual? Porn links, penis enlargement, breast enlargement… etc.
The porn links I might understand, but who would buy some mysterious cream that makes your body parts swell off of the internet? I wonder how many people actually buy that stuff online.
I have to admit that I actually found one blam funny. It was really long and it started off as usual:
“Nude girls sex lolita orgy oral anal blonde pussy gay underage nude midget….”…etc
But then it took an unexpected turn:
“dick threesome refrigerator television radiator….”
That’s some weird ass porn if it includes a radiator and a refrigerator. I wish I’d saved the spam, but alas, I did not.
Now, secondly, I’d like to discuss this whole whole plan to segregate the private schools and universities: WHAT THE FUCK WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING COUNTRY? This country is exponentially regressing.
I don’t agree with segregation in public schools (its the basis of why most of the guys and girls here are so fucked up), but I guess since I’m not paying for it I have no right to complain. But if I pay for my kids to go to a co-ed school, what fucking right do you have to say otherwise? If you don’t want your kids to go to a co-ed school, don’t fucking send them there. Why do my kids have to suffer because of your lame-ass religious issues?
I’ve always thought this shit was ridiculous. I remember when I was in middle school my private co-ed school had a barbecue one evening on a weekend. It was nothing especially interesting, there was bbq, food, and music. I think 3 people may have danced in total. None of them within 10 meters of each other and each surrounded by their friends (of the same sex).
The next thing we hear at school is that some kid told his religious parents that there was a party at school. And that his mom went to the ministry of education and complained about the sin that was occurring at the school. What the fuck? You have the audacity to send your kid to a co-ed school and then complain about an after-school party? I would understand if her kid had to attend mandatory exotic dance classes at school, but this was a completely optional afterschool activity. You have no right to go and ruin it for everybody (which she did because the ministry made a big deal about it). Bitch.
All of the people that force these retarded laws upon us are bitches! Bitches, the lot of you! Fucking useless government and retarded general population… *mumble**grumble*.
The government passes shitty laws and then placates the people by giving them shit like unnecessary pay raises or oil money gifts. And then thanks to the extra cash, which everybody knows is out there, prices go up. And then the people start to complain. Fucking idiots. Its simple economics. But seeing as segregating schools is the priority for the ministry of education I’m not surprised that most people are not educated in the basics of economics. Its so sad that education is the last thing that the Ministry of Education is actually concerned with.
I would really love it if somebody could point out something that the government is actually doing well. I like the social security system but when I think of the millions of retards that it supports, that basically don’t do shit all their lives, it would probably be better if it were different. I also always liked the fact that the government supplied free healthcare. But once you actually see the grimy insides of public hospitals and how fucking unorganized and inefficient they are I think that that the government can take the healthcare system and shove it. I’ll leave out the horror stories about death and mistreatment by incompetent and overworked public doctors. I’ll tell you a simple tale about me trying to go see an endocrinologist. I have to go to the mustawsaf who will schedule an appointment for me to see an internal medicine doctor in 3 months and then, God-willing, that doctor will give me an appointment 3 months from then to see an endocrinologist.
6 months… lovely.
This country is going to the shitter. Bitches.
And on that sweet note I bid you adieu!
October 17, 2007
Owwww…. my toes hurt. *whine* Seriously my big toes hurt. I think I might have a mild case of ingrown nail. Not cool, I know, but it happens. Why do we have toenails anyway? We don’t really need them. I understand why we have fingernails. I mean, fingernails you can use to….ummmm….. pick your nose…. ummmm…. measure the perfect snort of cocaine and …. ummm…. ummm… remove stickers from things. See? Finger nails are useful. But toenails are pretty useless. You can’t really do any of that stuff with your toenails (well, I guess you technically could if you’re really flexible). But for the most part, toenails are just an annoyance. So, I’ve decided to get my toenails removed . Okay, so maybe I won’t get them removed but I want to because toenails suck ass.
You know what else is wrong with the human body? We’re missing tails. I want a tail. A nice long furry tail that I can cuddle with when I’m going to sleep. A nice long tail that I can play with when I’m lonely. A tail that I can hug when I’m crying. *sob* Oh, I’m sooo lonely! *wail*
Just kidding, but seriously, having a tail would be awesome. It would keep flies and mosquitoes away from you. You could smack people in the face with your tail when they annoy you and then say “Oh, that silly tail has a mind of its own!”. So many things to do once you have a tail! The possibilities are endless!
Oh, hold on, I’ve got some work to do. Actual work. Credit division work…. sweet!
Damn you guys, this work looks like its going to take a while…. we’re going to have to finish this tomorrow.
BTW: WordPress saved this post as #769. Which is weird, I haven’t written that many posts have I? Go and count them, will you? Let me know how many I have. C’mon, chip chop! Snippity snap!
October 8, 2007
Yeah, I know I haven’t posted in a week. I just don’t really feel like it. But the funny thing is I still haven’t even gone to buy an e-go yet. Yeah, I know, I’m lazy. Anyway, so I’m back to blogging from my office computer.
*Sighhh* I’m really tired you guys. I feel like my body and my mind are slowly breaking down. I’m tired all the time, my hand shakes alot, and I can barely think (let alone work). I get like this alot. Sometimes, I get better, sometimes I’m so tired I can’t move. I still haven’t figured out what’s wrong with me. I’ve been to a slew of doctors and they can’t figure out what’s wrong either. They always think its mono. Which its not cuz mama didn’t raise no whore. Secondly, its not because the mono test always comes out negative. I’ve also been tested for rare crap like lyme disease, which I’m also negative for. My thyroid function is also normal. I’m not sure how it is at this moment but about a year ago when I tested, I had I high SED rate. Even though I was technically not sick. The problem with having a high SED rate is that it indicates you have a problem but it doesn’t tell you what the problem is. Here are some possibilities:
- Inflammatory diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus
- Blood cancers, such as leukemia and lymphoma
- Cancers that have spread (metastasized)
Let’s go through the list. First of all, infection: That’s a very general word. But I would say it isn’t an infection because I don’t have a fever. And everybody know infections=fever. Second, inflammatory diseases: I don’t know much about rheumatoid arthritis, so I guess that’s one possibility. As for lupus, well, “its never lupus”. Last, cancer: I sure hope I don’t have that but then again when I think of it I am at risk to get it (genetically and environmentally). But then again I doubt I have cancer because then my lymph nodes would swell up right?
Although there isn’t much to go on, I want you to play a game called “Diagnose the Prophet”. I want you to suggest a disease that I may have and why you think I have it… it’ll be fun (be creative people- and this is also an opportunity to learn something new). So c’mon, help me find out my disease.
My guess is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
Yeah, I know those were complimakated medikal wurds. Don’t worry I won’t confuse you with any more (the piece above was for all you medical buffs, not TIMMY!). Anyway, on with the comics!
September 30, 2007
Hi there kiddos!
I’ve been found out! My boss informed me today that I am the 2nd highest user of the internet of this wonderful institution (And where I work is pretty big). I think I should get an award. My boss doesn’t feel the same way. So anyway, I have to stop using the internet. But don’t worry I’m planning to bring my laptop to work from now on, with my own internet connection. And that way I can blog, watch porn, and work at the same time, and nobody can say a single thing to me! Hooray! Hooray!
So anyway chicos and chicas, I’m not going to be posting for a couple of days until I get things in order, ok?
Oh yeah, before I sign off, I have to tell you that along with the whole “don’t use the internet” conversation came me exposing Rafeek for the rat that he is. Basically, not much came from it. He was just told not to do it again. But while he was being “told off” I was sitting right there staring at him with the an expression on my face that conveyed the message “Whatcha gonna do now, bitch!”. That makes it soooo worth it.
Can you read that Rafeek? You spying motherfucker! Don’t fucking touch my computer again! I’ll break your stubby little fingers, you bastard! And you know how I’ll do it? I’ll walk in and see you typing, grab the keyboard from under your fingers, and using the keyboard I’m gonna smash those stubby little fuckers into pulp! Pulp, motherfucker! Pulp! Pulp so fine I’m gonna drink that shit when I’m done! *I spit at you*
Oh yeah, I’m not getting the office I told you guys about, fucking red tape. So what if “new senior management” is being hired? What the hell does that mean? “New senior management” my ass. Just because they get paid more and work more than me doesn’t make them more valuable than me. Well, then again, I guess it does, but I provide this place with laughter and happiness, and you can’t put a price on that *sob*.
Anyway, its time for me to go, those internet minutes just keep racking up (hmmm…. maybe if I get 1st place they’ll give me a cake….Mmmm…cake….)
Goodbye my children, see you in a little while.
Good One, Dad
It was too late before they realized….
Bands that Rock
September 27, 2007
Meh…. I don’t really feel like posting. But its 1:12 PM and I have a good hour and fifteen minutes to kill. I’ve been trying to plan my little sister’s 21st birthday party looking for venues and DJs online (she’s in the US). What she doesn’t know, is that I’m also planning to hire some bodyguards to attend the party. Some of you might be thinking well “then she can’t go completely wild! That’s not fair, you got a bodyguard-free 21st”. And you are completely right! But there are somethings you need to know. First, I don’t want her going wild (even though she is 10 times more sane than me). Also, my 21st birthday was bodyguard-free but it was also party-free. It was horrible. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life *sob*. Seriously, it was really traumatic. I was still in college but back in Kuwait for the summer. I was given a cake and a teddy bear. A fucking teddy bear!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I don’t expect my parents to give me a bottle of vodka or anything. But a fucking teddy bear? I was so traumatized. It was my 21st….. so sad. Ever since then I have this 3iqda, I have to have a crazy birthday party every year, or atleast a decent one. No fucking teddy bears!
My 22nd was amazing, I’d decided that “fuck everyone, I’m giving myself an amazing party”. I went out and rented a sushi bar/ restaurant for one night. Complete with dancefloor and DJ. And being a sushi bar, there was a long ass u-shaped bar where the bartender served drinks to everyone. It was so much fun. One of my best friends flew down from Miami, just for my birthday. Those were the days!
One of the things that distinctly sticks out from that night was my toast. I remember, a friend of mine said “Prophet, you’d really be the shit if you got everybody at the bar to drink a shot at the same time”.
Me: Watch this.
I proceeded to buy shots for everybody that was sitting at the bar (even some uninvited people that snuck in) and I told them not to drink it until I told them to (this part was hard- my friends are alcoholics that didn’t understand why I was making them wait to consume alcohol). After getting all the shots (I don’t even know how many they were- 30 maybe). I stood up on a stool, high above everybody, and gave my magnificent toast:
“To all you bitches and motherfuckers! This is for my motherfucking birthday! Drink up bitches!”
Looooooooooooooool! I think everybody was shocked at my toast but they all went wild nonetheless- cheers for the magnificent Prophet. Damn! Those were the good times!
Needless to say, I proved I am the shit! Yeah baby!
Anyway, back to our original topic. I want my sister to have an awesome 21st unlike mine that will forever be a blackspot in my heart. And anyway, I can get her a bodyguard because I’m going to be paying for the whole party, therefore its my decision.
Its 1:51 PM now. No I’m not a horribly slow typer. I’ve been having discussions with co-workers intermittently. Oh yeah, which reminds me, I’ve decided I’m going to talk to my boss about Rafeek and his wrong-doings. Homeboy’s going down! Actually, I can’t be sure of that, my boss might want to keep him seeing as he serves as his little spy. We’ll see. My skills of persuasion may be a little rusty, but I think I can cause a little stir. Muahahahahha!
This is completely me!
September 20, 2007
I’m bored with all of this. I’m bored with everything. And its getting harder and harder for me to fake interest and enthusiasm. I have a hard time looking into people’s eyes these day (I’m not sure why suddenly) I think its because my eyes can’t lie. I’ve no interest in what most people are telling me. I’ve no interest in even answering questions about myself, about my day or whatever… I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of the feigning.
Something needs to change. I don’t know what, but somethings got to happen. I’m thinking a self-imposed exile, but the time has to be right. And it’s not right yet. I don’t know what I’m going to do in the meanwhile… any suggestions? Something time consuming but stimulating at the same time.
First off, a Darwin Award:
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal imbedded in the side of a cliff rising above the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what had happened. It seems that a guy had some JATO bottles ( Jet Assisted Take Off ), actually a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes extra “push” for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala into the desert and found a long straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, built up some speed, and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best could be defined are that:
- The operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was determined by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
- The JATO would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the chevy to reach speeds of 350 MPH ( 560 KMPH ). JATO thrust would have continued for 20-25 seconds, insuring maintenance of that speed for that time.
- The driver, soon pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dig-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the vent. The automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles ( 15-20 seconds ) before the driver applied and completely melted brakes, blowing tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, to no avail, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles before impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock face.
- Few of the drivers remains were recovered. Small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and a fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Damn! Seriously, just imagine the sight of the crash. Damn.
Sanju Bhagat’s stomach was once so swollen he looked nine months pregnant and could barely breathe. iving in the city of Nagpur, India, Bhagat said he’d felt self-conscious his whole life about his big belly. But one night in June 1999, his problem erupted into something much larger than cosmetic worry. Mehta said that he can usually spot a tumor just after he begins an operation. But while operating on Bhagat, Mehta saw something he had never encountered. As he cut deeper into Bhagat’s stomach, gallons of fluid spilled out — and then something extraordinary happened. “First, one limb came out, then another limb came out. Then some part of genitalia, then some part of hair, some limbs, jaws, limbs, hair.”
At first glance, it may look as if Bhagat had given birth. Actually, Mehta had removed the mutated body of Bhagat’s twin brother from his stomach. Bhagat, they discovered, had one of the world’s most bizarre medical conditions — fetus in fetu. It is an extremely rare abnormality that occurs when a fetus gets trapped inside its twin. The trapped fetus can survive as a parasite even past birth by forming an umbilical cordlike structure that leaches its twin’s blood supply until it grows so large that it starts to harm the host, at which point doctors usually intervene.
Nasty. Now that really sucks.
Man Hides Sex Toys in the Wurst Way
BERLIN (Reuters) – Staff at a German butcher’s shop were shocked to discover a customer had hidden two sex toys in their sausages for transport to Dubai, police said Wednesday.
“It was two latex dildos with a natural look,” said a spokesman for police in the southwestern city of Mannheim.
After shopping there earlier in the day, the man, who spoke broken English, returned to the butcher’s with two large “Schwartenmagen” sausages. He asked a shop assistant to wrap and cool them until he departed for Dubai the next day.
But the assistant noticed the goods had got heavier and alerted police. Officers discovered the man, who was about 50, had removed some of the meat and packed the dildos inside.
“He could have used a loaf of bread,” the spokesman said. “It’s not against the law here. But obviously I can’t speculate on what customs in Dubai will have to say about it.”
I wonder if you are allowed to bring sex toys into Dubai. Probably not. Because if they allowed it it may shrink the market for the prostitution rings. Then the Russians would get pissed and then they’d make the government very unhappy.
Picture and Comic Time:
What the hell is this section in the newspaper? The crime section?
Who reports a “cat with rectal problems”? lol
Wanna be a rapper?
O is for Old English Sheepdog
In Case of Revolution…
I’m not sure if I put this up before:
Read the warning carefully:
Quote of the Day:
Me: George Washington Carver researched peanuts, its obvious. He’s the one who invented peanut butter.
Chirp: Really? He made Jiff?
Me: I don’t think Jiff. You know the peanut with the monocle, that based on him.
Chirp: You mean Planter’s?
Me: Yeah, Planters!
Chirp: Wow! How do you know all that?
Me: I don’t, I just made all that shit up.
September 9, 2007
I feel like I should be sitting in a dark smoky room with sultry jazz playing in the background with large glass of whiskey in my hand. That’s the only environment that I feel would be appropriate for me at this time. I need to be somewhere dark and broody, because that’s how I feel. I wonder how long this depression is going to last. I hope not too long. Not just for my sake but for yours too: I’m pissy when I’m sad, so nobody bother me (you have been forewarned).
My latest project at work: I made a little picture replica of one of my coworkers, I drew her face and stuck rubberbands on the head as hair. I know, I know, you are amazed by my creativity. Art is one of the other gifts that God has bestowed upon me.
Okay, fine, so I may not be an artist but God gave me some kinda guts. Sitting in a glass office surrounded by glue, rubberbands, scissors, colored pens, poster paper trying to finish a kindergartenish project takes guts. There is no way I could have raqa3ed the situation if my boss walked in. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have even tried to. I would’ve just looked up at him and gone back to intensely gluing the rubberbands on the poster paper, my tongue sticking out in concentration.
Anyway, I finished my project without disturbance and then stuck it on my coworker’s wall. I think she likes it.
Anyway, I gotta go it’s already 2:45pm. Time just flies when you’re creating art (try it- go to your company’s supply closet and make something – and then email me the pictures and I’ll post your awesome creation).
Pigs tattooed with LV logo
Snoop Dog is the Shizzle-Bizzizzzzlzzle
I wonder who actually took the contact info…
September 6, 2007
You know, when I tell somebody a problem or complain about something I don’t want want to be criticized. I want to be comforted, I want you to curse the source of my problem. I don’t want you to zif me. You’re not helping me whatsoever, you’re just stressing me out.
Let me explain to you more clearly what I’m talking about:
I hate my job, you know that. Most of the work I get, when I get it, is super retarded. TIMMY! For example, today, all I’ve been doing is changing the color schemes and formats on power point presentations. What the fuck? I didn’t get a degree from a top 20 business school to do shit I learnt to do in middle school computer class. I hate it! God-fucking-damnit!
I know that I shouldn’t be here. The only reason I am here is because I have nothing better to do. Atleast that was before. Now, I want to start studying for the GRE and filling out applications…etc. So now, I want to quit. Now, this is all nothing really new. What annoys me about it are my parents. What do my parents have to do with it? They are soooo unhelpful. Okay, I never expected them to be helpful, but atleast don’t put me down.
So my mother calls me today, at work…
Prophet (P): I hate my job, I hate it. I want to quit. Seriously. I want to quit today.
Mumsy (M): Don’t be in such a rush! Why are you in such a rush?
P: I have to study and apply for graduate programs. The application is due October 1st.
M: So? Study at work.
(Now this is theoretically a good idea, except there is no way I can study in this atmosphere and they do give me work to do – really retarded work-but it’s still time consuming.)
P: I can’t, I do things around here, stupid shit, but I do things nonetheless.
M: Tell them you’re not going to do that shit anymore!
P: What? I can’t just say I’m not going to do the work they assign me anymore and sit on my ass. The way you say “I’m not going to do this shit anymore” is quit!
M: No, its your fault for doing the stuff they give you. You should’ve told them the minute they give you that shit to do that you wouldn’t do it!
(The above statement is probably slightly true, but what the fuck ma? you’re supposed to make me feel better not make me feel like crap. and besides you’re supposed to do what your boss tells you, right? I mean he didn’t ask me to scrub the toilets, he asked me to do the only shit they have to do around here: which is pretend to work by changing the colors on things)
P: I’m not the only one that does this shit. This what people do here!!!!
M: *blah blah blah*
P: Ma, you’re not getting my point… *blah blah blah*
P: God damnit! Fine ma! Fine! I’ll talk to you when I get home. Bye.
*tear my hair out of my head*
Everytime I talk to my mom about anything she drives me insane!!!!!
I’m so pissed. And I know why: because I have to keep quite and be respectful and keep it all in (I can’t just shut the phone). One day, I swear to God, I’m going to kill somebody because I’m so frustrated. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I really want to scream but I’m still at work: GOD DAMNIT!
There are shooting pains in my head and my arms; I think I might be having a heart attack.
Okay… fine, I’m not. But one day I will. I don’t need all this stress.
All this stress and you want me to quit smoking?
Anyway, not everything in life is bad. I know one thing that good. Rainbows? No! Tampons? No!……. the new iPods!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!
iPod Hero: Touch me baby… yeah..like that…
iPhone (left) iPod (right)
iPod Classic: Much slimmer and holds up to 160 GB!
Renovated iPod Nanooooooooo
A couple of other kick-ass stuff:
Spaceport America (as in “interplanetary travel”)
Simpson’s House (it’s real)
Spy Sunglasses – I want!
Quote of the Day:
“Tooomz is the one that makes the boys cry.” – Chirp
September 4, 2007
Anyway, as you can tell from my previous post I’m not having the best week. But that doesn’t mean that you should get depressed and have a crappy week. So I just thought I’d be a little positive and tell you about some things I saw today that made me say “Que?”
First of all, KDD is putting up new ads for ramadan. One of these is for “qamar al-deen” drink which I always thought was tamarind, right? Then why the hell do they have a picture of the apricot drink on there? KDD won’t fool me!
Second of all, a bus passed by me today and there was a large ad stuck on it for “fawazeer 7alima”. As in 7alima Boland. She was dressed in a raggedy-ann outfit. I really don’t understand 7alima. Nor do I want to (I think that the RSPCA should just put that bitch down). But I do want to understand why she is so popular. Now, I’ve seen her on TV a couple of times, I enjoy tamaskharing on her (on how she dresses and the way she behaves). My question is: Is she popular because everybody makes fun of her or is it because she is considered fashionably cool and, dare I say it, kuwaiti girls want to emulate her? I would very much appreciate your input on this.
Third of all, I was walking to work when I could have sworn I saw Nicolas Cage. Well, kinda, I saw a hindi Nicolas Cage. Close enough, in my opinion.
So tell me, what has recently made you say “Que?!”
I also say “Donde estan mis pantalones?” alot, but that’s a completely different story.
Also, I have to make some small political commentary (obviously not concerning kuwaiti politics-because we all know what happens if I do that). So I’m going to address all you people that can vote in next year’s US presidential elections. Everbody knows what you have to do on Novemeber 4th of 2008: You gotsta….
Oh yeah, another thing that makes me say “que?” is this pop-up that keeps appearing on my computer. I don’t understand it. Why is there a whore in the background? If I want horoscopes I’m not going to click a pop-up with some prostitute on it. And if I want porn I’m not going to go to a horoscope website. I don’t understand the market they’re trying to reach with this pop-up. Let’s think about it….. hmmmm….. Horny Horoscopes. I think that that could actually have a following. I’d read it for a good laugh. Something like:
“Make sure to trim the bush, somebody is going to go down on you today.”
I should really start charging for all these awesome business ideas I give to y’all. I knew my business degree wasn’t useless!
Oh yeah, did you notice the “click here” on her ass? You gotta love that.
Quote of the Day:
“Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.”
September 4, 2007
Yeah, yeah, I know, I didn’t post yesterday. I have other things to do you know, I’m not your slave. You can’t just turn me on and off like a light switch you know. God, I’m so under-appreciated.
Anyway, I finished the first season of Dexter yesterday. Quite a good series I must say. Its twisted but I really relate to it. Not that I’m a serial killer, yet, but I understand how it feels to be alone and feel nobody really understands you. There is nobody who really knows me, all of me. There are many people who know different parts of who I am but there is nobody on this earth that knows all of me. And that makes me really sad sometimes.
I just want to be happy, but for some reason I can’t. I can have negative emotions, like anger, sadness and hate, but the positive ones are hard for me. And I can laugh (I laugh alot) and I can feel happiness sometimes be I don’t know if I can BE happy. I don’t know how I feel anymore. The best I can describe it is that I constantly search for temporary highs to make me think that I’m happy. But I’m just deceiving myself. You know that song “there’s gotta be more (to life)”? That’s how I feel.
Anyway, I have no idea why I’m telling you all this (especially since some of you out there know who I am). I don’t want sympathy, I guess I just want somebody out there to say they understand (and actually mean it).
Let’s see, as long as I’m on a roll here I might as well admit to you some more evil things about me.
I enjoy the sight of blood. It turns me on, and I don’t mean sexually, thank you very much. I mean that it excites me. I find blood (only if its running) fascinating and a little bit enchanting. Everytime I’d say that to somebody, even tough macho guys, they freak out a little, like they think I’m going to stab them to see their blood. It’s not like that, just think of it as you think of somebody who likes chocolate. They probably wouldn’t stab somebody with some Cadbury in their pocket. They’d probably just watch longingly as the person eats it, right?
Another thing about me is that I cherish my sleep. It’s beyond sacred to me. I prefer sleeping over being awake. So HUGE WARNING to everybody who knows me: DO NOT BOTHER ME WHEN I’M SLEEPY, SLEEPING OR GOING TO SLEEP.
Now, let me clarify a couple of things. I’m no morbid goth (I like pokemon). And just because I enjoy the sight of blood does not mean I would ever cut myself (I swear those are cat scrathes on my hands and arms! Muhahahaha!). And contrary to popular belief, just because I prefer sleeping to being awake, it does not mean want to be dead. I just want to be asleep, there’s a huge difference.
Anyway, I guess this should be considered my “personal” post, which for most other girls would be considered one about not being able to lose weight and get married or something retarded like that. Don’t you feel closer to me now that you know something a little different about me?
I also like teddy bears and long walks on the beach. Call me!
PS: None of you told me whether you want “drug week” or not. Gosh! You guys suck! Fine, no drugs for you!
August 22, 2007
I’m sick you guys (many people say in more than one way). Anyway, I’m ill, or atleast I’m getting there. I get these ups and downs. One minute I’m fine, another minute I feel like I’m going to pass out. Fucked up…. anyway, so I got hopped up on vitamin C yesterday. It makes you hyperactive if you take too much and your pee turns fluorescent yellow (wicked!).
So I just wanted to explain, if I was acting weirder than usual, its because of the vitamin C overdose. Also the loud-volumed speaking (AKA yelling) is because my ears get horribly blocked when I get sick.
Also, please note that vitamin C will keep you awake if you take it too late in the day. I couldn’t sleep yesterday until 3 am. Which sucks monkey balls because I have to be at work by 7:30. I manage to drag myself to work on time. I show up here, with my rayban wayfarers on and I don’t take them off (because my eyes are all puffy and shit) and people look at me all suspicious (including my boss). I explain its because I’m sick, I don’t think they believe me. But I swear, I’m not hungover! Not today anyway….
Vitamin C is my drug of choice. But it doesn’t really take care of those nasty flu aches and pains. What does? Thats right!: FLAVORED COCAINE! Yummmmy! Its most popular flavors are coconut, strawberry, banana and chocolate.
What does it taste like? The strawberry one tastes “like Strawberry Shortcake just peed down the back of my throat” according to TMZ.com
Flavored cocaine: If that isn’t marketing to children I don’t know what is.
What I do know is snorting things in general is bad for you, don’t do it! Especially, don’t snort powdered sugar candy like Pixie Stix. It might seem like fun because all the other kids are doing it, but just say no! Trust me… just say no to the Pixies *sob*
Pixie Stix Being Snorted
There are stranger and cooler things in this world than snorting candy. For example:
Glow in the Dark Mushrooms
With the arrival of Japan’s rainy season, a mysterious type of green, glow-in-the-dark mushroom begins to sprout in Wakayama prefecture. The Mycena lux-coeli mushrooms, known locally as shii no tomobishi-dake (literally, “chinquapin glow mushrooms”), sprout from fallen chinquapin trees. As they grow, a chemical reaction involving luciferin (a light-emitting pigment contained within the mushrooms) occurs, causing them to glow a ghostly green. (Kiwipulse)
Luciferin is also on of the chemicals that causes fireflies to light up. I wish I had luciferin in my body. I would use it to convey messages to those around me. For example, if my boobs lightup that means: I’m horny. Wow, glow in the dark boobs would be cool. I would sooooo be the most popular person at a rave. While all the rest of the girls are trying to dance all sexy with their glowsticks, I’d just take my top off and go”That’s right bitches, they glow in the dark! Woooo woooo! Motorboat!” *brrrrrrrrrmmmm*
That last one is for my little friend who I saved in the time of the Bonbonas stool adventure. (The rest of you might not get it).
You know who has great green boobs? The starbucks mermaid, atleast the one that’s in Whitechapel in England. They put those burlesque nipple covers on her:
and just FYI. The starbucks logo used to be different before it was taken over by the corporate devils. She used to have nipples and a bellybutton. But they changed the logo so that she wouldn’t offend people. Here’s how she used to look:
Anyway, you know what I would really like to have: The paintball gun below. I’ve haven’t paintballed yet. But I know if I had this gun I’d kick-ass at it.
Man, the insides of my ears itch like crazy! Would it be too inappropriate if I stuck my finger in there and gave them a good scratch? I mean if my cat can lick his balls then I should be able to stick my finger into my ears, right? Fine! I’ll just wait until I get home and use a q-tip. Gosh! You guys are so judgmental!
Anyway, since we started off on the topic of drug, we’ll end with it. Here’s a nice read from BileDuct (I can’t remember if I posted it before- my memory sucks: damn you Pixie Stix, DAMN YOUUUUUUUUU!)
This is Your Child on Drugs.
So I was watching TV the other day and saw a new Partnership for a Drug-Free America commercial. Actually I don’t think they’re called that anymore. They have some new 21st century name or something. Anyway, you know who I’m talking about. The commercial featured an average looking teenage boy doing a talking-head monologue that went something like this:
Hey teenager, are your parents watching this with you? Good. Have they talked to you about the drug ecstasy yet? No? They still think partying is about drinking beer, huh? They don’t know good kids just like you take ecstasy. They’ve never asked about the vitamins in your room or the glow-stick jewelry. Ecstasy can kill you and drugs are bad.
OK, I don’t think he actually said “drugs are bad”, but I forget how he wraps up.
Anyway, I just want to say thank God for this commercial! It’s high time parents were made aware of the drug ecstasy (not to be confused with the emotion ecstasy) and its inextricable link to glow-stick jewelry. Where there is glow-stick jewelry there is, without a doubt, ecstasy. Probably ketamine too.
But unfortunately, this commercial doesn’t go nearly far enough toward educating parents. Every drug out there has definitive warning signs, so as a public service I’m going to list them below.
By far, the biggest indicator of drug use in general is moodiness and rebelliousness in teenagers. Non drug using teenagers are perfectly happy, self-actualized individuals that have super relationships with their parents and their entire families. If your teenager shies away from family activities and seems to want to spend a lot of time out of the house or alone, seek counseling immediately.
If your teenager exhibits moodiness and rebellion, the music he or she listens to and the way they dress can help you determine exactly what drug they are addicted to. Generally speaking, if your child listens to the same music you listened to when you were young, it’s a safe bet they take the same drugs you did. Classic rock means marijuana and 80’s pop is a sure sign of cocaine.
Here are some specific warning signs that your child is in trouble with drugs and other nefarious activities.
Does your child wear baggy hip-hop clothing and listen to rap music?
Your child smokes crack.
Does your child wear tie-dyed t-shirts and listen to The Grateful Dead, Phish, Widespread Panic or Government Mule?
Your child smokes pot and takes LSD.
Does your child listen to The Velvet Underground or Nirvana?
Definitely heroin. If no track marks are evident, he or she shoots it under his toenails or eyelids.
Does your child listen to heavy metal music?
Does your child listen to the blues?
Your child shot a man in Memphis.
Does your child listen to Marilyn Manson?
Your child worships The Devil and fucks dead kittens (unless your child is a girl, in which case she fucks live dobermans).
Does your child listen to techno dance music?
Ecstasy and ketamine again. That this was left out of the PSA described above is a huge disservice to paranoid parents.
Does your child wear ripped clothing, dye their hair funny colors and listen to punk rock?
Your child sniffs butyl nitrate and is probably bisexual, unless they are just a poseur.
Is your child a high-school cheerleader or football player?
You have nothing to worry about. Your child is a good old fashioned red blooded American alcoholic.
Does your child listen to 1940’s swing music by black bandleaders?
Your child smokes marijuana, but spells it “marihuana”.
Does your child lift weights?
Duh!! Steroids!! If your daughter lifts weights she probably also wolfs muff.
Is your child a teen starlet?
She smokes cigarettes and snorts cocaine.
Does your child wear Wranglers jeans, shirts with snap buttons and listen to country and/or western music?
Again, nothing to worry about. It’s only beer and Jack Daniels.
Does your teenage daughter spend much of her free time at the mall?
Your daughter sucks cock for money.
Does your teenage son spend much of his free time at the mall?
Your son sucks cock for free.
Does your child listen to Christian rock?
Your child is an idiot. They also have no taste and no friends.
Would your child rather spend time on the internet than watching TV?
This is huge. The best you can hope for is that your child is a geek. Other signs of geekdom include reading when not required to (especially science fiction), Monty Python and Dungeons and Dragons. Dungeons and Dragons is also a sure sign of Satanism, so seek immediate religious counseling and possibly exorcism.
If internet use is high but no symptoms of geekdom exist, there is only one other possibility. Your child is meeting middle-aged men in chat rooms then meeting them at the mall to have sex with them.
Does your teen seem nervous around the opposite sex?
Your child is homosexual.
While the temptations facing teens in the 21st century are many, by familiarizing yourself with the warning signs and remaining vigilant, you can save your children. If your child exhibits any of these warning signs, they should be institutionalized at once.
Quote of the Day:
“You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.” – Rowan Atkinson.