*Yawn*

November 15, 2007

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. I just can’t seem to sleep at night. And its really starting to get to me. Anyway, I came into work the other way and I fell asleep. I could feel it coming and I couldn’t stop it. I can never stop it. All I can do is try to make myself as comfortable as I can. I’ve fallen asleep in so many random places. I’ve fallen asleep on a small couch in a bathroom before, which I decided to stop doing once I found out that that was where some homeless people slept. *shudder* Gross homeless people, not the clean ones, if they exist. And I fell asleep on a tile floor once (which wasn’t as bad as I expected- its really good for your back). Anyway, back to my original story: So I fell asleep at work. As refreshing as it was, I was worried about how I could “ragga3” that situation if I was caught. And so I managed to find a number of excuses I could use if I ever fall asleep again…

5 Best Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk:

5. “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”

4. “This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to.”

3. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time.”

2. “Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?”

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk…

1. Raise your head slowly and say, “…in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

______________

Here are a couple of links. Entertain yourselves:

Damn, son!

Love it!

Birds

For Chirp

Tattoos for the Blind

Mario Madness

God’s Way

Looooooooool!

 

Wooohoo! It’s Thursday bitches!!!!! I feel really good today. Even though I probably shouldn’t because somebody that works here just passed away yesterday. Allah yer7ama. And what’s really bad about it is what I thought when I first heard; “I wonder if they’ll give me his office”. I know, I know, I’m bad. But it isn’t my fault. First of all, the fact that I’ve been working here for 7 months and they still haven’t technically given me an office makes me feel that I need to take advantage of whatever opportunity comes my way. They’ve jaded me. I mean for God’s sake, I’ve been working here for 7 months and only today did they give me my own calculator. And I work in a motherfucking financial institution, a calculator is supposed to be the first thing you get. For 7 months I’ve been clicking away on my Windows calculator. I know I could’ve brought my own calculator, but I think that would’ve just increased my output and efficiency and they obviously don’t want that around here OTHERWISE THEY WOULD’VE GIVEN ME A FRIGGIN’ CALCULATOR.

Anyway, death and calculators aside, I feel pretty good today!

I think I would feel a little better if I ruin your days…. MUHAHAHAA!!! So I’m going to tell you a little story about myself and then lecture you (the lecture basically applies to females and some gay men):

People who know me know that I’m not exactly physically vain. i.e. I never ever put on tons of make up, most of the time I don’t wear any makeup at all, I don’t insist on wearing the latest fashions, I basically try to stay kinda simple and zen. A couple of months ago I got a huge lecture from a friend of mine basically stating: “Prophet! You’re a girl! You have to beautify yourself! You have to take care of your nails! Go get regular manicures!…etc.”

This girl’s nails are always manicured to perfection. They are always painted. Never a chip. She is more than a regular at the top nail places (N-Bar, N-Syle…etc.). And I have to admit her nails look good.

My nails aren’t bad. I always keep them clean, usually cut short, and I never bite them. I think they are okay. They’re normal.

Anyway, after her lecture, I think “Okay, how bad can it be? I’ll go to N-Bar every week or so”. Even though I hate being stuck in a chair for more than hour (I get butt-cramps).

Fast-forward a month or two. I start thinking: I’m not exactly into this, I don’t enjoy it getting it done, I’m trying to simply myself and my life not make it more complicated, why the hell am I doing this again?

So I decide I’m done with this whole getting manicures. If I want to paint my nails every once in a while I can do it myself. So that’s it I decide to take the polish off my nails. Lo and behold! My nails are yellowish! WTF? They were never like this! I look like I have freaking jaundice!

Basically, after researching it turns out nail polish tends to stain your nails. I was thinking, nail polish is basically a bunch of colors and chemicals that you are putting on your body, is staining really the worst of it? And guess what? It isn’t.

I’ll give you the summary of the worst of it: A chemical used in many nail polishes called DBP (dibutyl phthalate) which increases durability of nail polish has been shown to be a carcinogen and result in underdeveloped genitals and fertility problems in unborn males. So basically, it’ll increase your chances of getting cancer and your sons are going to have smaller dicks.

Now, I don’t want you to completely freak out, because at this moment there is still much debate concerning DBP. Lots of the companies that use it state that the amount the humans are exposed to is not enough to have these effects. Other environmental and consumer groups disagree. Anyway, there is research supporting both sides. The one thing that is undisputed is that your body does absorb the chemical. The long-term effects at this point are unclear.

So ladies, and gay men that get their nails polished, if you consistently polish your nails I truly think you are putting yourself at risk. Therefore don’t come complaining to me when your sons can’t please women, I warned you.

But don’t worry ladies! There is still hope for your vanity! Some cosmetics manufacturers have started making nail polish free of DBP. “Estee Lauder is among some major brands that have done that. But many others have not, including salon favorite OPI, cult fave Essie and ubiquitous bargain brand Sally Hansen. In 2004, OPI was forced to remove DBP from its polishes sold in Europe after the European Union banned it along with many other personal-care product ingredients known or strongly suspected of causing cancer, mutations or birth defects.”

Essie… Sound familiar? That’s right! Its that wonderful stuff they use at n-bar and n-style. Cancer, yum!

Now, some of you poor girls are probably sobbing in your seats, asking the question: “Why? Why Prophet? Why would companies sell what they know to be cancerous products? They wouldn’t, would they?”

My response is: Yeah they would retards! TIMMY! Why wouldn’t they? If it makes their product “better” and they could get away with it, why not? Do you remember how many years it took for the tobacco industry to admit that cigarettes were a carcinogen? Why should they admit to selling a dangerous product if it makes them billions? And, yes, they make billions upon billions. Thanks to the vanity of women the cosmetics industry is ONE OF THE MOST PROFITABLE INDUSTRIES on the planet.

Anyway, the power is yours!

Earth!
Fire!
Wind!
Water!
Heart!

GO PLANET!

With your powers combined I am Captain Planet!

Captain Planet, he’s our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
He’s our powers magnified,
And he’s fighting on the planet side

Captain Planet, he’s our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
Gonna help him put us under,
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder

“You’ll pay for this Captain Planet!”

(chanting)
We’re the planeteers,
You can be one too!
‘Cause saving our planet is the thing to do,
Looting and polluting is not the way,
Hear what Captain Planet has to say:

“THE POWER IS YOURS!”

What my co-workers have actually walked in on me doing

Haha! Just messin’ with ya!

Cool staple remover

2.% Mil euro guitar?…oh….

Good Idea. Bad Idea.

Hooray!

Who’s a good boy?

Disturbing children’s book 

My mom didn’t used to let me walk my dog because “it isn’t safe” it would’ve been more than safe if I had this dog…

Only in America

Mini-Video Time! In this one, a guy tries to snatch this tiny lady’s purse. But he gets owned! You go girl!!!

Video

 

PS: The crap make-up you put on your face can’t be that much better. According to an article I recently read in Bazaar magazine, women that apply makeup everyday absorb I think something like 4 lbs. of chemicals every year. SHASTY (Shitty and Nasty!!)!!!

 

Hi Hitler

November 5, 2007

Soooooooooo….. they hired two new people. I told you that I met one of them previously. Anyway, it turns out that there are two. Just what we need in this division, more Indian people. I freaking work in little Bombay, its ridiculous. And most of these Indians are seriously sly and mit3aqed bastards. Now, now, calm down. Any of you that have worked with them know its true. I’m offended that any of you would call me racist. I’m completely offended. I’m not just any racist. I’m an equal opportunity racist. I hate all races. White, Black, Asian, Mexican, Indian, Amphibian. You name it, I hate it. I’m a hater. And I’m a habitual line stepper.

Anyway, one of the new guys looks like an Indian version of Hitler. Which is really funny to me.

God damnit, I start this post yesterday and I’m trying to continue it today and I have no idea how I felt and what I was trying to say. So I’m starting over:

Let me tell you what happened to me yesterday: Once I got home after work I received a phonecall from my unit head telling me he needs to access some numbers that I have on my PC for my boss. So he wants my login and password. Now you’d think that that wouldn’t be a big deal except in my life everything turns into some kinda joke.

Okay, login is easy. Its my name. My password was a little bit harder to give, seeing as it was “rafiqsuxballs”. Looooool. Goddamnit! That password was for my eyes alone and for my personal pleasure, nobody was supposed to see it. Oh well, I tried to raga3 the password. I spelt it out for him slowly hoping he wouldn’t put it together. He probably did get it but he didn’t say anything, thank God.

Anyway, just thought I’d share that with you. I’m sure you got a kick out of it, just like I did.

Lets see…. what else? Oh yeah, I wanna talk about Flugtag. So after some coaxing, my friends convinced me to “atleast checkout” Flugtag. So we went. I left before any of the planes even took off. It was just too ghetto for me. Sitting on the beach when it was kinda empty was okay. But once the people started coming, I couldn’t handle it. There were kids taking off their clothes and jumping into the water with just their underwear on. Wain ga3deen? That is not cool. It was just gross being around the people that were there. I couldn’t handle it. I felt almost suffocated by the 2araff. It could’ve been much worse, I’ll admit, but it wasn’t something I could suffer through. So I got up and left. And besides, I heard nobody died or got hurt or anything… so whats the point? Isn’t that the only reason people go to those things?

Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve posted stuff like the darwin awards. So let’s do that:

Stoopid

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the United States Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The small metal bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, which was abbreviated: “Wash. Biol. Surv.” until recently when the agency received a letter from an Arkansas outdoorsman.
The letter read: “Dear sirs, While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag, and I want to tell you, it was horrible.”
The bands are now marked “Fish and Wildlife Service.”


Who’s Really A Girl’s Best Friend?The following is a short, amusing, and true story, as seen recently by millions of viewers on a Spanish television channel.
The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter’s name forward for a popular surprise game show. She idolized teeny-bopper pop star Ricky Martin, and it was arranged for TV cameras to be discreetly placed throughout the house. The house was then left empty, except for the pop star left hiding in the girls bedroom closet–all set to give the girl a wonderful surprise when she arrived home from school.
Meanwhile, the parents were in the show’s studio, in front of a live audience. Upon coming home from school, the daughter didn’t go striaght to her room and open the closet as expected. Instead, she began to search the house, calling out the names of family members, trying to determine whether she was alone in the house. After deciding she was indeed home alone, the daughter went into the kitchen and took a large container of pate(pa-tay) from the refridgerator–while the TV audience was left wondering just what was going on. The girl then went upstairs to her bedroom, but instead of finding the surprise waiting in the closet, she removed all her clothes, and then spread the pate all over her naughty place. It is important to remember that Ricky Martin is still in the closet, her parents are watching with a room full of strangers, and half of Spain is seeing a nubile young girl, stark naked on the bed, with pate all over her crotch.
As if the situation was not already shocking enough, the daughter then call the family dog to her bedroom, who obediently trots up the stairs to the bedroom and settles down to enjoy his favorite meal. At this point, the broadcast is abruptly cut off, and the girls’ parents are left sitting in a deadly quiet TV studio full of strangers and TV execs, while a few million Spaniards were at home wetting their pants with laughter.
Sales of pate have reportedly skyrocketed.
What we really want to know, though, is what did Ricky Martin do?


The Tale of the Beer Dragon The recent craze for hydrogen beer in Japan is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar, and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr. Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers.
The Asaka Beer corporation brews “Suiso” brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques.
Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.
The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy. This inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one’s mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere.
“Mr. Otoma has no one to blame but himself. If he had not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have happened. Our security guards undergo the most careful screening and training before they are allowed to deal with customers” said Mr. Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take bar.
“Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximize the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira [Godzilla] would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgment is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager, he was badly out of tune.
“He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge, singeing the front of Mrs. Mifune’s hair, entirely removing her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby customers. None of these people have returned to my bar. When our security staff approached he turned his attentions to them, making it almost impossible to approach him. Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr. Otoma’s knees, knocking his legs from under him.
Nomura continued, “The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled Mr. Otoma’s legs backwards also pivoted around his center of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity. It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette.
“The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion, nor the third degree burns to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential muteness and loss of employment are his own fault, Nomura concluded.
Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment.


Darwin Nominees As we approach the end of 1999, the annual rite of collecting nominees for this years’ Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon ( the remains of) individuals who have given their all in an effort to improve our gene pool. The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made the ultimate sacrifice of killing themselves by the most extraordinarily stupid means. The Awards commemorate those who find innovatively moronic ways of killing themselves, thereby helping to eliminate undesirable weaknesses from the human gene pool. So, in an effort to make us all feel better about ourselves, here are a few fo the nominees for this year.

SPIN CYCLE
A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died in a freak accident involving his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine’s ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine’s agitator went into gear. Strickson’s head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson’s face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson’s dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in “a small explosion,” according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson round at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson’s head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.

GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped … and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “major trauma.” An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY …
Three young men visiting Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 50 yards from their respective seats.

DON’T TEMPT GOD
A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide(crucifixion style) and shouted: “HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT! Needless to say, God delivered [well, you would, wouldn’t you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry.

CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there’s a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.

GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion . The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as “bright” by his peers.

“I Got Pregnant During A Computer Sex Chat!”
By Lynda Oakley, Colorado Springs, Colo. via the internet

Frazzled Frances Wyndham believes the father of her unborn child is sitting behind a computer 1,500 miles away — where he got her pregnant during an online sex chat!
“His words were so convincing it felt like we were actually having sex,” Frances claims. “I could hear bells ringing and fireworks going off. My body reacted accordingly, and I became pregnant with his child. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I haven’t had sex with anyone else in over two years. So who else could it be?”
Clarence Kudrow, the man she says impregnated her, is flabbergasted by Frances’ charges — especially since she’s threatening to file a paternity suit. “I haven’t been anywhere near Colorado in my life,” said the 27 year old technician from Buffalo, N.Y. Incredibly, Dr. John Swall, a leading expert in unusual pregnancies, says Francis Wyndham may be right.
“If she had sex two years ago, there is a 5-million- to-one chance that some of the sperm survived but became dormant. Her high state of sexual excitement during the computer session could have helped revive what we call ‘sleeping sperm,’ that resulted in pregnancy. But to say Mr. Kudrow is the father is ridiculous.”
There are only 18 known cases of ‘sleeping sperm’ pregnancy over a 25 year period in the United States. One Ohio widow got pregnant with her husband’s baby nearly 38 months after they had sex for the last time before he died.
Frances, a 26 year-old store clerk, met Clarence in an Internet chat room for singles. They later began having intimate conversations with each other over their computers.
“It’s the only explanation for my pregnancy,” Frances said.
We’ll find out for sure when Clarence has to take a blood test.


Who’s the Daddy? The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency forms under the section for listing father’s details. These are apparently actual statements, but we don’t know from where, though.

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], I might have remained unfertilized.


Hats Off to the General Editors note: We did our best to confirm this little story. No one was talking. All indications are that this actually happened, but we cannot be sure. Even if this is a fabrication, what a great answer!

This is supposedly a partial transcript of an National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and a US Army Lieutenant General Reinwald, about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: “So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?”
LTG REINWALD: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.”
INTERVIEWER: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”
LTG REINWALD: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the range.”
INTERVIEWER: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”
LTG REINWALD: “I don’t see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.”
INTERVIEWER: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers!”
LTG REINWALD: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?”
End of the interview.
Hats off, and a snappy salute, to the general.


The following was taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out.
He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day…


MORE BAD DAYS!

  • A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise’s car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window, climb out, and swim to shore where a tree blew over and killed him.
  • Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on “The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges” when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge-killing him.
  • Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
  • George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for his files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly.
  • Depressed since he couldn’t find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
  • In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y. was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up.
    Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
  • A man hit by a car in New York City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death.
  • Two German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car over the middle of the road. At the moment of impact, their heads were both out of the windows where they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren’t even scratched.
  • Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife’s incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself.
    When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted.
    Hearing a disturbance, a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place.
    As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his wife were reconciled

KENTUCKY FRIED ORGANISMS

Federal food inspectors forced Kentucky Fried Chicken to change its name to “KFC” after it was discovered that KFC uses genetically manipulated organisms (“chickens”) that are kept alive by tubes that pump blood and nutients through their bodies. They have no beaks, no feathers, and no feet. The government ruled that these creatures cannot legally be called chickens.

LIFE IMITATES “ART”

A teenager who tried to imitate a scene from the movie American Pie severely burnt himself while trying to shag a hot apple pie.

HEAD LINES

In an interview with Larry King, Monica Lewinsky said “I’ve learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.” Meanwhile, her father is threatening legal action so that his family name is not used as a slang for oral sex, after a character on a sitcom described the act as “getting a Lewinsky.”

HI, IDIOT

A member of the KKK has tried to legally change his name to “Hi Hitler.” Apparently, he had watched a lot of Nazi documentaries and thought the Nazis were chanting “Hi Hitler,” instead of “Heil Hitler.”

ANIMALS CAN BE SO HEARTLESS

Two seals, nearly killed in the Exxon Valdez oil spill, were rehabilitated at a cost of $80,000 each. At a special ceremony the saved animals were released back into the water. In full view of the wildly cheering spectators, the seals were eaten by a killer whale.

STUDYING HUMAN NATURE

A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. Purely scientific. Unfortunately, the nagging got to him, and soon he beat her with an ax, leaving her mentally retarded.

CRUELTY TO ACTIVISTS

Two animal rights activists, protesting at a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany, were killed when two thousand pigs escaped through a broken fence and trampled them to death.

INSTANT KARMA

An Iranian terrorist who failed to put enough postage on a letter bomb was killed when the package was returned to him and he absentmindedly opened it.

OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!

A man trying to self-pierce his foreskin missed a nail and brought a two-pound hammer down on his penis. In shock, he tried to kill the pain by pouring Coke on his mangled organ. After passing out from the pain, the mixture of blood and the sugary drink attracted rats who gnawed off the man’s penis, scrotum and testicles.

MAN’S BEST (TASTING) FRIEND

Hans and Ema W., who had taken their dog with them on a trip to China, were eating at a restaurant. They asked the waiter to find something for the dog to eat in the kitchen. Unfortunately, due to the language barrier, the dog was taken to the kitchen, delicately prepared, and served to Hans and Ema as their main dish.

TRY NOT TO PICTURE IT

Too much anal sex loosens the muscles in the anus so much that some people are no longer able to control their bowel movements, and have to wear tampons in their anal cavity to “hold stuff in.”

 

LINK TIME!

5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen

Mandatory Vacation Time – i’m sure some of your went through this

For my Jewish friend

hehehehe

 

I actually have a ton more links but I think you’ve read and looked at enough for today. I don’t want to overwhelm your puny minds.

 

Retarded Video – Hitler, lol!

 

Quote of the Day:

Chirp: “Just trip him and then blame it on Hitler”

You know how I feel right now? I feel like I want to put my hands around somebody’s neck and squeeze real real hard. And then, while still keeping a firm grip around the neck knock the head repeatedly against a cold hard floor…. I’m not talking about anybody specific (although I hate alot of people and many of them deserve to die). I just feel really really pissed. Okay, I’ll take it slow…. *harp music* *flashback*

Okay, as you guys may have realized, I haven’t posted in a while. The end of last week I was busy with work crap. The only important work-related highlight of last week is that I got my boss to send a letter to HR saying that I was not to be a trainee but to become an “officer”. How? With a little thing called persistence, my friends. And with a little bit of disease. You don’t say “no” to a person who was just diagnosed with a disease. (I really actually was diagnosed with anemia). So anyway, I told my boss that I was horribly ill. And I told him that everybody was consistently lying to me about my designation and confirmation and that this was not what I’d signed up for and *whine, whine, whine*. Anyway, he eventually gave in. And after he did, I told him I was taking a couple of days off to recover (not bad eh?).

And thats why I haven’t been posting.

And the drama continues….

I show up to this hellhole called work today to find out that the job title he gave me does not even exist around here. Which, upon further thought, I think might be a good thing. Here’s why:

HR (which I like to think stands for Horribly Retarded) does not have a job descrpition for this new title. Now you’d think that they’d create one, seeing as its their job, but that might actually require some form of intelligence. So ofcourse, they ask my boss to send them a full job description. As if my boss will even entertain the idea of doing some kind of work. Soooooo ultimately I (indirectly) have the opportunity to write my own job description. Muhahahahaaaa!!!!! If things roll the right way, my boss won’t even read the thing before he sends it off (huge possibility) and so I’m thinking I’ll be “Officer”- Responsibilities include whipping teaboys, choreographing official corporate dance, DJing of hiphop elevator music, and drawing nipples on the shirts of all retards with a permanent marker. What do you think?

So anyway, back to reality… another thing I find once I walk into my office is some random Indian dude sitting at my table. What the fuck? And so I ask him: “Uhhhh… hi…. I’m sorry but this is my office, may I please ask what the fuck you’re doing here?”

Turns out that he’s some new guy that was hired and of course they throw him in my office. He asks really politely if he can stay for the day. And I say its fine. An hour later his division head comes over to inform me that he’ll be sitting in my office for a few days. Seriously, what the fuck? But you know what? Its fine, because its exactly this type of retarded “we have no respect for you or your space” shit that motivates me and excuses my demotivation and fuckery for this job. Really. I’m 100% sure that I could do the job of any motherfucking person here and actually do it well. But why should I? Why should I take a maskhara place like this seriously? They don’t deserve shit. And people bring up the arguement “but they pay you”. Sure they do. They pay me to come here and work. But for each peice of bullshit they pull I deduct a certain amount of work from my load. Just like they deduct my salary if I’m late. I’m being just as professional as they are. You get what you give baby.

Anyway, despite my “fuck y’all” attitude this place still stresses me out. I’m just not a person who can suffer so much bullshit. I seriously need to get out of this fucking country, because this place is seriously just a reflection of this nation. I need to leave. Seriously, I need to leave here with the knowledge that I don’t ever have to come back…. The problem is my parents don’t let me leave even though I tell them that living here is literally killing me, physically and mentally. I’m miserable here. Unfortunately, they know this and they don’t really care. I mean I know they care that I’m miserable but they completely wont entertain the idea of me leaving. I guess they prefer a miserable daughter over one that isn’t with them. Which I get (in theory, but not in reality).

I’m guessing this is why I’m very susceptable to fits of rage and violence (I really am…. I’m trying to become more zen… but I still wouldn’t suggest anybody really fuck with me). And you know what’s really scary, I enjoy hurting people. Its brings me great pleasure. I guess that its the only way I feel like I can release my frustration (that’s not true- comedy works too)…. I’ve tried exercise. But its just not the same… I guess I’m shaping up to be one great serial killer, dont you think? I’ll kill people but then somehow make a joke of it…. maybe I could have my one comedy / horror show on HBO someday *dream*….

Anyway, enough about me and my psychotic tendencies…. I need get going so its link time!

Silhouette Materperice Theater

Laser Printer

This is me

Awww…..

I’m waiting for this…

World’s Best Phobias

Dance :this is sooo Chirp – Lol

Whoop whoop!

October 22, 2007

Yeah, I took a day off…. I didn’t bother coming to work yesterday. I was tired and, honestly, why bother? Anyway, as sad as I am to say it, I’m back at work. I really can’t take it that much longer. The whole thing. Not just work. Life in Kuwait, in general. The whole thing blows and sucks at the same time.

I really have to get out of here (Kuwait). Living here sucks the life out of me (physically as well as mentally). Its like some kind of new evil torture.

Damn it, hold on, I spot my boss, the retard. I need to have a conversation with him. Actually, you know what? Screw it. I don’t feel like dealing with him now. I don’t know if I told you guys about the whole “I’m a trainee” thing. Here’s a summary of it:

When I was hired, I was told that I would be a “trainee” for the first 100 days I was employed (Basma Basma told me this). Fair enough (even though the motherfuckers didn’t train me for shit). Anyway, so 100 days in the retards still didn’t confirm me. I go to HR and ask about my confirmation. And HR gives me the regular shitty excuses for not doing their work:

“Oh its with Mahmood Mahmood.”

Okay. Mahomood, where is it?

“Uhhh.. duhhhh… I don’t have it, that’s not my job. Basma Basma is supposed to have it.”

Okay. Basma, where’s my confirmation?

“Ummm…. I don’t have it. Blah blah… is supposed to have it. You go and come back later.”

Okay. Weeks of me going and 7inning pass to no avail. Just more excuses…like “it got lost, we need to print it again”.

Until one day, basically, 2 months late. They give me my confirmation letter. Time to celebrate, you’d think. But noooooooooooooo. The shiteaters give me a confirmation letter that says my confirmed position will be “trainee”. That shit don’t fly with me, bitches. So I go to Basma. And basically ask her in a polite way: “What is this fucking shit? You whore! You said I’d be a trainee for 3 months. And now you give me this shit, 5 months in, that says my job is a “trainee”. I’m going bitchslap seven shades of shit out of you, you gimpish streetwalker! ”

She goes on to defend her position to say that “she never said that” (the lying whore). And that their policy is you’re a trainee for 6 months. And if I want to become a “full-fledged employee” in my unit before the 6 months, that my GM has to write some kind of recommendation.

Fine, off I go to my boss, the retard. And I tell him that he has to write HR a recommendation. And he is like “yeah sure! whatever you need darling! flippity flippity! faggoty fag! I’m just going to talk to the pimp of HR, and ask him what he recommends your official position should be.”

Ummmm…. okay… just get it done.

So days pass and I get an email from my boss to go see the HR pimp. So I go. Now, you’d think that when you have problems with a whore like Basma her pimp would take care of it. But again, noooooooooooooooooo. This guys makes I am Sam look like a genius.

Okay, so I explain my story to the pimp. “Basma said this when I was hired, and now she’s saying this. Whats the dealio, yo?” The pimp decides to avoid the question.

“Why are you concerned about your official designation? You should be concerned about your work! Your job title isn’t important.”

“I’m concerned about my job title, because it IS important. Maybe not to you it isn’t, but to me it is, motherfucker. And don’t you worry your trashy little ass about my work, everybody says my work is damn fine, ask anybody. Now, like I said what’s the deal?”

Again he avoids the question. “You’re still on the learning curve *simulates a wave with his hands*. You should be concerned about your learning.”

Me: “What learning curve motherfucker? You couldn’t teach a chimp to scratch his ass. Now, again I’ve been here long enough to no longer be considered a trainee.

Pimp: Do you do work?

Me: Hell yeah, motherfucker. Do you, asshair?

Him: Like what do you do?

Me: I do *name multiple projects*. *Pimp swallows his tongue and shuts the fuck up*So one last time, jackass, what is your real policy? 100 days? 6 months? What is the motherfucking deal?”

Pimp: “Well…. umm…. there is no time limit to you being a trainee….”

Me: “What the fuck? You’ve got to be shitting me! So you can technically keep me a trainee for 2 years-”

Pimp: “No we wouldn’t do that-”

Me: “How the fuck can I believe that when you have no fucking written policy and all of you pieces of horse shit lie to me about everything? How the hell am I supposed to know when I’m no longer a trainee?”

Pimp: “Well, that’s up to your boss… he recommends you.”

Me: “Thats what I’m telling you, you fucking retard! My GM was supposedly just going to ask you my official designation. What the fuck did you say?”

Pimp: “Uhhh… I said you should stay a trainee.”

Me: “But that’s technically not your decision is it?”

Pimp: “No… its your GM’s decision.”

Me: “Why the hell am I talking to a dipshit like you then?” *get up and leave*

Baby Jesus Christ, do you guys see the fucked-up retards I have to deal with? And you ask why I’m so frustrated and violent. If I wasn’t surrounded by “people” like this I would be so much more pleasant.

Anyway, so now I’m at a point where I have to go and talk to my boss and tell him to send them a motherfucking recommendation. The thing is I’m not a complete idiot and I know the only reason my boss got the pimp involved in the first place is to have him tell me the bad news of not changing my status. That’s how my boss works: He pretends to be all nice to you but then he gets other people to do his dirty work so you can’t blame him. Sly dirty motherfucker. But that shit don’t fly with me, I’m just trying to compose myself so that I don’t knock his cocky ass out when I’m talking to him. So I need to talk to him… and I know what I’m going to say and everything, but whenever I see him, I get this uncontrollable urge to spit at him. And I can’t do that, because then he definitely won’t recommend me.

I know what I write about work can get me fired, and there’s probably some guy from IT reading all of this right now, but honestly, I don’t care. And honestly, if you jerkoffs actually ran this business semi-professionally I wouldn’t be writing all this. But all of you deserve to lose your silly ass jobs, if you what to call the cocksucking you do a job. Fuck all of you! I hate all you people that work here! Die! Die! Die!

*Long sigh* Ahhhhhhhhhh…….. I feel soooo much better now that I got all that out. No wonder they say writing is therapeutic. There’s nothing more therapeutic than writing swearwords about people you hate.

Anyway…. lets get to the fun parts!

6 Weirdest Foods

Awesome Cruiseship

For all you people that drink pepsi….etc.

You know what would be funny?

For all you guys out there – your dream job

I want one of these soooo bad

For real

CarDust Pictures – For Tooomz

I’m sooooooooo going to buy one of these and carry it with me. There are so many bitches I could use it on. Kuwait is full of them.

 

And last but not least. A Mini Retarded Video! This is why I think wreslting is for kids and retards:

Video

See? A nice long post to make up for the missed ones. Don’t say I don’t treat you nice. I treat you as nice as I would any other homeless people I know. With that, I’m off. To do what? I don’t know. I live my life on the edge… not knowing whats going to happen from one minute to the next! Crazy, I know! But that’s how I roll! Whoop whoop!

Ethnic Cleansing

October 16, 2007

Welcome back children! Welcome back to your retarded 8-3 (or 9-5) workdays, for which you will be paid the same meager amount of money that you were paid during ramadan when you were working half the time and doing the same shit. What a pleasure it is to be back, isn’t it?

I don’t completely hate coming back right now because my boss isn’t here. No boss means, no work (or rather no need to pretend to work). Just sitting here sipping my chocolate milk and surfing the net. Which I do on regular days except now there’s no worry I’m going to get some retarded-ass, below-me task to do. I technically was assigned crap to do this week, but honestly, fuck it. Drinking this chocolate milk is more challenging than the shit I have to do. Suck, gargle, swallow, wipe mouth, repeat. That’s the Prophet way of drinking. And ofcourse each sip much be followed with a loud “Ahhhhhhhh!”.

Anyway, enough about work, there are a couple of more things to talk about before I get to the main topic of this post. The first of which is that its finally happened. No… I haven’t lost my virginity (I just “misplaced”it). I’m talking about the fact that I have been finally been identified. Somebody (who I haven’t told) knows my true identity. I’ve been waiting for this (not that its that hard to do if you pay attention to the things that I say). So now, its my turn. This is for you Blondie: I’ve narrowed you down to pretty much one person. Say hi to 7adjiya for me…. am I right? I am sooooooo right! Woooohooooo! The Prophet prevails! And I had only one hint. *gulp* I hope I’m right.

Anyway, something else I should probably mention: I didn’t bother to get a domain or wireless internet. Even though I’ve had the time. I really can’t be bothered. I think I should get a personal assistant to do these things for me. But then again I can’t really be bothered to look for a personal assistant. Its a vicious cycle. Its a disease. Laziness should be treated with medication in my opinion. Psychotherapy wouldn’t work because if you lay me down on a leather couch and start talking about “feelings”, I’d be asleep in 5.

Jesus! It’s freaking freezing in here! I can’t even think. Hold on you guys…. I’m going to call maintenance to turn of this friggin’ AC…..

Okay, I’m back…. Stupid maintenance still didn’t come and its been 20 minutes. TIMMY!

Let me put up so mildly entertaining things for you before I get into the important topic of ethnic cleansing:

Sand Sculptures

Bruc Lee Loves Birthdays

I hate these: Pictures in pictures in pictures…..

Transparent Frogs Used for Research

I’ve been thinking of dying my cat- this is a cool idea

 

Now for a mini-retarded video! This video reminds me of when I was a kid. I used to watch Animaniacs alot. There was this segment called Good Idea-Bad Idea. For example, they would show somebody taking a shower and they’d say GOOD IDEA. Then they’d show somebody taking a shower with a toaster and consequently getting electrocuted. BAD IDEA.

 

The following video is a BAD IDEA:

dragon.gif

 

 

Okay, on to our topic of the day, ethnic cleansing. Lets get something straight first before you people start whining that killing people is wrong… blah blah blah, I don’t believe in killing people because of their ethnicity, religion, color… etc. So maybe “ethnic cleansing” is the incorrect term but it is the most appropriate in this case. Because what I intend to do ( if once I have the power) is kill a certain type of people. Geezy people. You know who I’m talking about. Those fugly boys with spiky hair that walk around marina hitting on girls. Those whorish girls with kilos of makeup on their face that prance around muhallab looking for dick. Basically Kuwaiti trash. The Kuwaiti trash epidemic transcends social classes, religious views, and wealth lines. You find rich trash and poor trash. Its everywhere people! And its time to clean up!

I think a system should be installed where geezy people are penalized. Not with fines but with beatings. I have an extreme version involving concentration and “rehabilitation” camps for offenders. That might be too extreme. So I’ll go with one of my brother’s suggestions. A sort of more vigilante approach. My little brother proposed that he basically gets a beatup reinforced pickup and along with a bunch of his friends beat up trash that they see wherever they go. I like it. Except, these vigilante groups would be really hard to monitor, and alot of things could potentially go wrong. But its a start and something has to be done about these people.

Why they’d need a beat-up pickup? Well, so that they don’t feel bad when they run into geezy people and their cars. Like, for example, this whole new thing where people put ‘strass’ (fake diamonds) on their cars. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

What the hell is wrong with people? You know what that is? You know what that is? Its nouveau riche its motherfucking nigga rich! What do you hope people will think when they see that shit on your car? That your car is pretty? That you are classy? C’mon you can’t be that retarded to think others actually think that. Well, then again you might be with that shit on your car. Only retarded people would do that and then go “Oooooo! Shiny!”.

You know what I think when I see that out on the road? I think “Get your silly-ass car out of my way before I run you the fuck over. Motherfucker.” I don’t care if you have an Isuzu or a Porsche if it has that shit on it your car is automatically silly-ass, you will get no respect and you frankly don’t deserve any. If any of you, my dear readers, have that crap on your car, I don’t want to know about it. Actually, if you have that crap on your car stop reading my blog, I’m ashamed of you. Actually, I’m more than ashamed, I’m disgusted. Leave! Just leave!

Seriously, whats Kuwait coming to? Look at the people in our malls, on our streets. Look at what society praises and deems important. Sure, there are a couple of good people around here. But in general, can you say you are proud of the majority of the people around here? I can’t. And that’s a shame, a damn shame.

But I don’t think its too late. I think that with ethnic cleansing, immense restructuring of the education system and reevaluation of morals, we can still save this country! Who’s with me?

Sara: “I am!”

Mick: “I am!”

Lolli: “Me too!”

Sabeecha: “Haman ana!”

Rover: “Woof!”

 

*Sara, Mich, Lolli, Sabeecha, and Rover are my alternate personalities. And they TOTALLY agree with me! See? I have people who support me and love me!

 

Okay people, now stay calm and don’t panic…. I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is that this webblog is at 96% capacity. Now the good news is…. ummm… uuuuhhh…. Oh God! I lied! I LIED! There is no good news! I’m doomed! This blog is doomed!!!!!!!! *hyperventilate** panic attack*

.

.

.

.

Okay, now that I’ve regained my regal composure I can explain the situation more clearly: WordPress gives me 50MB for this blog. Thanks to the tons of pictures and crap I put up I’ve already used up 96%. Now, lets stay calm and rational people. Shut up there! You in the corner! Stop your screaming! Calm down everbody! THERE ARE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE! But don’t worry I’m sure we can find a solution! I need the help all you experienced bloggers out there: What’s the best (and cheapest-I’m from the Hasaa region) way to keep this blog going? Buy a web address perhaps? Suggestions please people, otherwise this entire blog will continue sans pictures and comics. And that would be a tragedy.

Okay, so meanwhile we will have to sustain ourselves on biscuits and urine links. So here we go:

  1. World’s Largest Swimming Pool – This thing is amazing!
  2. A True Bad Ass – For some reason this seems familiar I might have posted about it before.
  3. If you’re going to die…
  4. Hollywood Squares
  5. Light Graffiti
  6. Now this last link is for all you guys out there. All you guys with your big muscles thinking you’re a man’s man and you’re tough. Everybody knows that what makes a real man is awesome facial hair and with that I give you: The 2007 World Beard and Moustache Championship!

That’s all for now. I know, I know, its just not the same without pictures. But all we can do is pray. Pray my children. Pray that God will send down upon us an IT blessing that will allow us to continue our small humor-filled breaks that take us away from our mundane lives if but for a moment. Pray my children. *whispers*: pray…..

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

September 26, 2007

So I walk into work today, ready to start my web browsing ritual, when I notice I can’t login to my bloody computer. Somebody else had previously logged in and forgot to log out. The good thing is it displays the person’s name. The weird thing was it was our ex-secretary (Jenny) that got moved to another floor, why the hell would she have logged into my computer? And she would have had to have logged in after work hours yesterday (after I left), or before I got in this morning.

This required further investigation. So I go up to our new secretary (let’s call her Missy) and ask her about the situation and if I could get old secretary’s phone number. Missy tells me that Jenny gave the teaboy (Rafeek) her login name and password so he could fuck around whenever he was bored.

Oh really? Now let me tell you a little something about Rafeek. He is this little Indian (or Sri Lankan- same difference) dude who gives you attitude if you tell him to do something like bring you tea (which is his fucking job). He also conveniently “forgets” (ignores) to do half the shit you tell him to do, and if he does do it takes him a year. To make things worse, the little rat is a spy. Seriously, he spies for our boss, and constantly reports our activities to him. Anyway, as you can tell, I’m not a fan.

So anyway, I go to Rafeek and ask him straight up “Did you login to my computer?”.

Rafeek: *moments pause* No.

My initial thought is liar, liar, pants on fire! But I know better than to say that.

Prophet: Oh okay, so I’ll just go and ask Jenny if she came and logged into my computer. Before I do that, I’m going to ask you one more time: Did you login to my computer?

Rafeek: *puts his head down in shame- pretend shame because he has none* Yes.

Prophet: Come into my office and log out.

Rafeek proceeds to do as he is told, for the first bloody time in his life, and the following conversation ensues (I wish I could have told him what’s really on my mind but I’m trying to maintain the “I’m nice” image around here – which he has taken advantage of).

Rafeek: Ummm… I used it because sometimes management calls and they want something from the internet.

At this point your probably thinking what I was thinking (again liar liar) but this one is obvious. You are a motherfucking teaboy. And a retarded one at that. What management would call you to do shit, motherfucker? But I’m too polite to say that.

Prophet: Uh-huh. Yeah. I’m sure. But next time, you could ask my permission first, and when I ask you about it, you don’t lie to me.

Rafeek: *hangs head* okay.

I am way too fucking nice. But at this moment I own that motherfucker. From now on I command him. He’s a big liar, and now he knows that I know and I have proof and witnesses (Missy). If it wasn’t ramadan, I’d have told him to “get me tea! on the double! *finger snap*”. He’d probably spit in it, but that’s besides the point. I own you bitch, you’d better not disrespect me or else I will voice very loudly, and in a very embarrassing way for you, how your are a lying motherfucker.

________________

In more office news, I’m finally getting an office, a real office that’s just for me. Hoora! And I’m going to be so protective of it. Nobody sits and touches my shit. As in if I catch Rafeek touching my computer sitting on my chair I swear to God I’m going to try my utmost to have him fired. And I really think I will be able to. Just go to HR and tell them that the security of information in our division has been compromised, and there is major internal risk, because I’ve noticed people have been sharing their logins and passwords with unauthorized personnel (ie. Rafeek), which results in huge risk issues for this fine establishment. Such unauthorized personnel have access to confidential documents (the secretary worked for our GM) and could leak them to our competitors at any time. What a horrible scandal that would be if that happen! So I would request that Rafeek be fired (Jenny would probably be fired too- too bad she’s nice- but sacrifices must be made for the greater good). And also, in return for my silence- you know not causing a stir, I want a bigger office, a bonus, and I want to bring my cat to work.

I think they’d give me what I want (okay, well, maybe not the cat thing :( ). Or what I could do is threaten Rafeek with me ratting him out and make him my personal slave. “Rafeek, I need to put my feet up. No, no, don’t get me another chair. Get down on all fours. That’s right. Ahhhhhhhhh……”

So what do you think? Better salary or personal slave. Better salary is cool but you can’t put a price on slavery, that comes from black mail the heart.

______________________

Yeah, so you know, how I said I’ve lost my feelings? Well, as is proven from the story above, and as was pointed out by a friend, I still derive a small amount of pleasure from evil things. Maybe that means I’m going to become a serial killer… Hmmmmm *evil grin*.

____________________

On to the randomness!

First, a statement in relation to out first story. I quit red bull a while back because I realized I was just putting crap in my body that I didn’t need. I would drink two cans at work, in an attempt to stay awake. They I realized that there was no need to be alert (or concious at all for that matter) in this place. So anyway I quit Red Bull. But I wouldn’t have if I’d known this.

I have now decided to distribute red bull to everybody I know. FREE RED BULL FOR EVERYONE!

In other news, I thought this was a beautiful story. I need a pigeon. Something that would love me unconditionally. *sob* I’m so lonely. Lol.

Now, that I think of it, a pigeon is a bad choice. I could imagine me going. “I love you Tweety, you’re my bestest friend ever!” *cooo* * I bring Tweety closer to my face to kiss him affectionately* *Tweety pecks my eyes out- “The Birds” style*.

Birds are evil creatures and they carry the bird flu! Evil, evil creatures!

________________

 

Anyway, for those of you that care about your sneakers, your coolness, and your street cred, may care to know about the coolest ways to tie your shoelaces. Check it out!

_______________

And now it’s picture time! The first two pictures need an introduction. Before a big soccer match, an Argentinian condom manufacturer ran the upper (the first) advertisement, bragging about what Argentina would do to Brazil. After Argentina lost the game, the Brazilian football organization ran the lower ad.

 

soccerbeforeafter.jpg

 

 

Bart dressed as a suicide bomber-

I like to call him Moh’d Jihad

bartart30.jpg

 

 

Halo 3 is out! I want!

halo-3.jpg

 

Mini-Retarded video time! These videos come with the title “types of music you shouldn’t let your cat listen to”. They really are retarded. I love the Stevie Wonder one because the cat moves the exact same way Stevie Wonder does when he sings, how evil!

 

Barry White

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Gansta Rap

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Heavy Metal

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House

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Techno / Electronica while on Ecstasy

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Stevie Wonder

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This is panning out to be a very lovely day indeed. I’m off then! Turrrrraaaaaaaaaa!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sucky Sucky, Five Dolla

September 18, 2007

Ahhhh…. yes…. how I wish I could go back to the days when I would walk around imitating Cartman as a Thai prostitute and go “Sucky Sucky, Five Dolla!” at random. Those were the good old days.

Anyway, my plan has failed. And no… I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, it seems that I’m going to be entertaining you with all things random for a while yet. Boo for me, yay for you.

Anyway, the otherday my brother and I were discussing how if we went to a typical suburban highschool in America, we would take it over. All the people there are horribly insecure and partially retarded. We’d be like Gods among men. I don’t mean going to highschool in Harlem, where somebody’d bust a cap in my ass. I mean one of those really typical all white highschools with like one token black dude, you know, like you see on TV. Atleast I used to think I could take over until I read the following and thought that could be me:

A 9 year old was thrown out of the back of her moving school bus after a struggle with another student on their trip home. Soon after the 9 year old pulled the DS Lite from her book bag it was taken by a 13 year old boy who ran to the back of the bus with it. When the girl tried to retrieve it the two began struggling for it in the back seat.

Reports released by the Pima County School Superintendent in Arizona said the older child was being beaten in the face repeatedly and felt his only escape was to open the buses rear emergency door and jump out. The child instead shoved the young girl out of the door with the bus traveling at approximately 15 mph. The girl was bruised and scraped up but had no major injures from the fall.

The boy has been temporarily suspended from their school and has the chance of being permanently expelled pending further investigation by the school board.

Loooool…. that really sucks… getting thrown out of a bus… the story is not especially interesting but I thought the picture that accompanied it made it funny:

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I’m really not in the mood to post but I promised somebody I would so I will. But in a lazy way- links!

I have a fear of heights. So it freaks me out to even think of doing this.

My world is different from everybody else’s, for many reasons. Sometimes my unstable life gets out of control and things get really crazy kinda like this (I really like the song- its by Weird Al)

What would it be like to see U2 perform an uber-classic song. Check it out.

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Its peeeeeeeeekture time! First up it a series of pictures that illustrates how to make something that’s going to provide hours of fun for you at the office. A special gift from me to you. Enjoy!

What you need:

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Let’s get started:

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Ready! Aim! Fire!

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Actual BBC response:

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Rollin’

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Pinky and the Brain

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Weeeeee….

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iPhone

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Jesus

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Comic:

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Transform!

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VikingPimp!

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Quote of the Day:

“You can’t be both Pro-Life AND Anti-Zombie.”

 

 

 

 

Yeah, take your bloody time!

September 16, 2007

Yeah, I’m posting again. I’m still at work. I can’t leave until I get word from HR. Despite the fact that their job is easy as hell, if they do anything at all that is, they take their bloody time.
You’d think a large financial institution would understand the value of time and speedy decisions, but noooooooooo…….. idiots.

And so, my entire world is on hold as I wait for HR.

I curse you HR. I curse you! May the fleas from a thousand camels infest your pubic hair!

Anyway, an important announcement:

Happy Birthday Chirp! This comic is for you:

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And with that out of the way…. it’s time for the radiology picture of the day:

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Luo Cuifen, 29 of Beijing, China, consulted doctors after noticing blood in her urine. Turns out she has 23 inch-long needles in her gut. Surgeons will now carefully remove the needles that allegedly were inserted by her grandparents who were hoping to kill her. From the Associated Press:

Many of the needles have worked their way into Luo’s vital organs including her lungs, liver, bladder and kidneys, making their removal difficult, said Qu Rui, a spokesman for the Richland International Hospital in Yunnan province’s capital, Kunming…

Qu said doctors believe the woman’s grandparents may have inserted the needles long ago, hoping she would die and her parents might have a boy in her place. China limits most families to just one child, although rural Chinese may be allowed to have a second if their first is a girl, subject to the payment of fines.

It wasn’t clear whether further investigations into the case were planned, with media reports saying Luo’s grandparents had already died.

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Russian Posers- check out the link

Creepy Lenses – Link

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It’s random picture time! The first picture needs a brief introduction. You know those times when your sitting in your office and something’s just missing? Something that makes work so much more pleasant: Beer.

But where can you store your precious beer stock? A fridge in the middle of your office is very suspicious. Well thank God ladies and gents because some divine genuis out there created his thing:

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Seriously, God bless you brother, whoever you are.

Viagra Ad

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Pool – I’m not sure if I posted this one before

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Cool wedding photo!

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The bride who drank too much

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Looool

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Kung-Fu Kitty

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Quote of the Day:

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal. ” -Demetri Martin

And another one by Demetri Martin:

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

 

 

 

 

 

Aliens and Judgment Day

September 13, 2007

I told you that this day was possibly coming soon. It is a day when your whole world ends. Yes, my friends, it is judgment day: I’m finally leaving my job (I think-if today goes the way its supposed to).

Hush now little ones. Don’t shed any more tears. You don’t know whats going to happen. I might still post but I really don’t know anymore. I have decided, despite my parents disapproval, to try one last desperate attempt to follow my dreams. And so it is with that that I’m off to journey the unknown and unpaved path that I know is going to suck ass. But I have to try, I’ll regret it forever if I don’t.

With that farewell message to all of you out of the way, we can resume today’s post. As promised, it’s alien day!

Now, today’s post originates from some video that a friend of mine showed me that showed some UFOs flying over some place in Saudi. Now, I think he expected me to freak out, like my other friend who went “this is a sign that its judgement day, the world is coming to an end” or something to that effect.

Now, first of all, why would you believe that that video is real? Because its in Saudi? Are you insulting Saudi doctoring skills? Shame on you. Saudis are the best fakers. Just look at the double (hypocrisy-filled) lives they lead. Now, now, if you’re Saudi and offended by the comment I just made, I’m sorry *cough*- I’m sorry that you born in Saudi, its not your fault.

Second of all, so what if there are aliens? Pictures and videos of aliens have been around since forever. And so what? You’rejust nervous that things are going to change here on Earth. Maybe they’re coming to fix all the fuck-ups us humans have made ie. war with our own kind, global warming, famine in a world of abudancy. I think they should come and kill alot of us, just so that they kill off alot of the retards around. And then maybe, just maybe, when we are trying to rebuild our civilizations we’ll to it right this time.

And if they’re here just to blow things up for no reason and eat our human flesh, I’m up for the challenge. I would prefer to die in an epic battle to save the human race than die in a car accident (which is very likely here in Kuwait).

Third of all, which is really funny to me: when I told a co-worker about the whole alien video judgment day thing, she said: “Well, its possible, you know. When judgement day comes and people like Al-Mahdi, and Gog and Magog reappear we don’t know how they are going to appear and in what form.”

Seriously? As in, they are going to come back in spaceships in alien form? Loool… that’s just so funny to me. I guess it could happen maybe…. uh…. I guess… I mean I wouldn’t want to make fun of anybody’s relegious beliefs, now would I? I respect all relegions…. Hahaaha… see what I did there? Its called sarcasm…. get it? get it?

Anyway, what do you think? Do you think Jesus is going to come down from a UFO?

Anyway, check out the picture below, which people think is totally real. It’s supposed to be of an alien (possibly Al-Mahdi reappearing) and the people in the picture are freaking out.

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Hahahaha!!!!! Man! I’m going to miss you guys. You’re so gullible!

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m going to go to hell. Saying all this shit on the first day of ramadan. But firstly, for Shia ramadan is tomorrow (yes! I’m saved by a technicality! Whew! That was a close one!) Also, since I’m Shia I can make fun of Al-Mahdi, he’s my homie. Just like I can make fun of Hasan Nasarallah, but you sunna can’t. Nananabooboo!

I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong and just because its ramadan I’m not going to stop. Here’s the thing I’ve been trying to convey to people my entire life. You shouldn’t not be doing things because its ramadan. You shouldn’t do bad things because it is wrong.

I don’t like it when people say “Oh I don’t do #insert word# during ramadan” but they do it the rest of the year. What does that mean when you do that? It means you know its wrong and you just don’t do it when you feel you’re going to get punished for it extra.
What do you think God is thinking of you right now? He’s probably thinking “Okay he knows and feels it’s wrong but he does it anyway. He just doesn’t do it sometimes because he’s scared of punishment. So in conclusion this person does not avoid “sin” because its wrong but because he’s a coward.”

So what about me? I feel that the things I do are not wrong, in fact I’m convinced that they aren’t. So I do them all the time. No matter what time of year. Let’s say, for arguement’s sake, that the things I do are considered wrong in God’s eyes, who do you think God spites more? Someone who thinks what they do is good and doesn’t know any better, or somebody who knows what they do is wrong but does it anyway?

My point is also my Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Do good and avoid bad all year-round. God isn’t blind the rest of the year you know.

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Now that we’re done with the morality part of the post, let’s talk a little about me. I’m passing through a hard time right now. And for most of my life I’ve been in pain (not necessarily physical)- which is why I am how I am. What always makes me feel better is knowing others have been in more pain than me (as messed up as that is its true). Anyway, I thought I’d post some things that make me feel lucky to be me:

Heretic’s Fork

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One end of this device was pushed under the chin, the other into the sternum, with the strap securing this torture tool to the victim’s neck. Immobilized and in great pain, the victim will have to mouth off the Latin word “abiuro” (I recant), or they’ll end up being hanged or worse, burned at the stake.

 

Lead Sprinkler

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This tool, which kinda reminds me of a holy water sprinkler, was filled with either molten lead, tar, boiling oil or boiling water, then used to torture bless its victims by dripping its contents on their stomach, back and other body parts. Sounds like standard S&M practice to me, only with a greater deal of pain.

 

Tongue Tearer

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Countless heretics and blasphemers had their tongues roughly torn out with this simple device.

 

The Rack

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The rack is a contraption designed to dislocate every single joint in its victim’s body. Tied across the device’s board by the ankles and wrists, the victim’s body is then pulled in opposite directions by turning rollers at either end of the board. Great way of relieving a bad back, if you ask me. Of course, the subsequent pain caused by the multiple dislocations is another story.

That’s enough torture pictures for now I guess. I have better pictures for you. This first one is unpleasant but to me it signifies a part of ramadan. I don’t fast because I get credit with God. I do it, firstly, because it’s a good detox from all the crappy food I eat. I’m seriously considering semi-fasting for the rest of the year. It’s very physically cleansing. And secondly, in this fucked up world of ours, while we feast others die with nothing in their bellies. Fasting reminds me of that… it reminds me that there are others that live much harder lives than I do. But keep in mind fasting helps nobody but you. It’s not going to miracously put food on somebody’s table. You have to give (in a material sense-don’t just pray that somebody helps them- GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT)…. and there are alot of people who need your help:

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Incase you can’t tell, that’s a photo of a child dying of starvation. And right behind the child is a vulture, waiting for him to die…. nobody helped the child just in case you were wondering.

I don’t mean to get all of you down, but I want you to truly feel how lucky you are. And I want you to know that you aren’t not eating so that you can have a huge fun feast with friends and family and completely ignore the plight of your fellow man. Ramadan is not meant to be fun, atleast I don’t think it should be.

I know you come here to laugh your asses off but its my responsibility to teach you a few things every now and then even if it isn’t fun.

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Anyway, I don’t know if you’re in the mood to see pictures and comics but I’m going to post some anyway. But a joke I heard first:

Im7ashish gal “Ya rait ramadan mithil kaas il-3alam: mara kil arba3 sineen, oo kil mara ib dawla!”

I don’t know, I thought it was funny.

Cocoon Tent Thingy- I want this so bad!

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Baseball Bloopers

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Why is the black guy freaking out about a water balloon?

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Comics

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Quote of the Day:

” Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
If you listen carefully now you will hear.
This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Things are not the way they used to be,
I wont tell no lie;
One and all have to face reality now.
though Ive tried to find the answer to all the questions they ask.
though I know its impossible to go livin through the past –
Dont tell no lie.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air –
Cant keep them down –
If you listen carefully now you will hear.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.

This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air –
I wont tell no lie;
If you listen carefully now you will hear:
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air.”

-Bob Marley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mozart and Children

August 30, 2007

I’m sitting here, at work, listening to some Mozart trying to calm down and relax. I’ve been stressing over continuing my “higher studies” (not as in smoking a joint, but rather the real deal). I’ve been stressing over if I’ll even be able to go, who’s going to pay for it….etc. Anyway, as I sit here, with Mozart’s Menuetto Moderato Trio plays soothingly in my ears, I’m reading about things that could stress me out so much more, namely children. Children are like ferocious, comic little people on drugs. They’ll pretty much drive you insane if you don’t know the proper way to wrangle them up. Like this woman who sells the stuff her kids buy (without her permission) on EBay. Poor woman…. What’s worse is this guy (what a freaking retard).

100 kids? Is he crazy? I mean, I understand, back in the day, if you were royalty you’d want to have alot of kids just in case your enemies invaded and wanted to kill the entire royal family and take over the nation. But these days…. come on! I mean there are some bloody annoying Emarati people that I want to kill out there but I doubt that anybody is going to try to slaughter this guy and his family (except I might now, because he’s seriously contributing to overpopulation and overcrowding in the world).

I wonder how he decides what he’s going to name them. Letters won’t work, there aren’t enough in the alphabet. I guess you could number them. # 1, #2 (the first two would probably get made fun of alot, you know, number two…. hehehe).

I would name my kids after different products and get my kids sponsored for life. You know, call them things like Aquafresh, Kotex, and Trojan(man) – I obviously won’t be needing Tojans though if I have 100 kids. Let’s see what else is important to have around the house, oh, Pringles, iTunes, Showtime, Orbit, Playstation… and the list goes on.

I guess I would have 100 kids if I could benefit off of each one… I have to start right now though if I want to have enough to sustain me through the rest of my life.

Kids make great slaves too. So obedient, if you hit them enough.

Just because you’re somebody’s kid doesn’t mean they like you, you know. Take a look at what Leona Helmsley did. She left $12 million to her dog instead of her descendants. Damn, that one rich motherfucking dog! Woof!

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Look at one of the stupidest toys ever made:

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A Spin-The-Bottle bottle for $35? Who would buy that? Obviously, no parent is going to buy it for their kid (unless your house is a brothel and your mother is raising hookers). And why would a kid spend $35 on something that could be substituted for a $1 coke bottle? In the states if a kid had $35 and wanted to get some action, he’d just give it to the local whore and get her to go down on him. Obviously the creators of this toy didn’t think it through very well. For shame!

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Do you know what time it is? That right, its picture time!!!!!!!!!

Kick-ass new NASA rocket

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Forget it

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Coming to Life

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Inflatable Pub (I soooo want one- I NEED it!)

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This makes me laugh- so evil!

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Have a great long weekend kids! See you next week! Just in case I die this weekend I want you to know one thing- the quote of the day:

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.”

 

 

 

 

Slap Slap

August 27, 2007

You know I woke up yesterday feeling like crap. I woke up just completely pissed (not the in the British sense). I wanted to just punch somebody, and I didn’t want to deal with retards (inevitable as it is). Maybe its “that time of the month” or something but I just felt really frustrated and angry and then it came….. I don’t mean my “mensus”, I mean THE SONG. The song that just completely described how I felt and made me feel alot better.

Listen to “Slap” by Ludacris

The first two verses apply to me. The rest… well… they might apply to me when I become somebody’s baby mama in the ghetto.

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Okay kids, now, line up, shut the fuck up and listen up because its LESSON TIME!!

Today’s lesson is in how not to be a retard. TIMMY! Below are somethings that some real retards have done that landed them in an ER. You are to learn from the stupidity of these idiots and you are not to do the same thing. OK? OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man’s house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man’s poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man’s jewels from the dog’s mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling “Puta! Puta! Puta!” At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby’s father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was “Puja!” (Push!) Instead he was saying “Whore! Whore! Whore!”

A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled “Come on back this afternoon. We’re having a Butt-luck supper”. (How embarrassing is that!)

An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: “It was a fifty, bitch!”

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: “I got the green vines in my virginny” (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she “put a potato in there to hold it up” and then forgot about it.

The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female’s room.

Doctor: “The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you’re not sexually active?”

Patient: “Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there.”

Doctor: “I see. Well, do you know who the father is?”

Patient: “No. Who?”

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from “crank” (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, “I’ve been screwing the dog?”

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn’t able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and “gagged” myself to vomit but couldn’t vomit it up either.”

Lesson for the day: Don’t be a retard!

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During my research to find all things random I come upon some pretty interesting sites. I have to tell you, one of the strangest blogs that I’ve come upon has to be The Superfluous Nipple. And you guessed it, its “a shrine to the third nipple”.

Wow, a blog dedicated to third nipples? You see some really messed up shit on there. Like this:

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Thats right! A nipple on somebody’s foot. Gross.

I wonder if he/she get turned on when they walk. I also wonder if this guy went to a spa, would it be inappropriate for him to get a foot massage? Oooo! Oooo! If I was back in middle school and this guy was walking down the hall I know exactly what I’d say: “Hey, look everybody! It’s TitFoot!”

Hahahahahaaaa!!!!!!! I’m soooo mean.

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It’s picture time! *dum dum dum dum dum* Do you hear the techno rave music? I do! Take it away Arnold!

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Today’s pictures are a selection of cell phones you can’t buy, nuts for you!:

Pantech’s Flexus Mobile Phone

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NEC’s “Tag” Phone

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Nokia Aeon

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Synaptics Onyx Mobile

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Motorola PVOT Phone

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Dual-Screen Cell Phone

Alloy Total Product Design’s “The Polygon” boasts two displays: a standard high-resolution display for viewing data and a touchscreen for accessing menus, etc.

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Fuzzy the Bunny

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I just put the bunny there because he’s so squishably cute *squish*

Quote of the Day:

Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’d hit that….

August 15, 2007

Its amazing how people can change with a good haircut. For example, Milo Ventimiglia (the man-nurse that absorbs people’s powers in Heroes). I first saw him in Gilmore Girls (which sucks as a show BTW). He looked crappy. Kinda gay. In Heroes he looked a little better (more mature ‘n’ crap) but he still had that gay emo haircut that made him look like ickypoo.

Other people thought he was hot. My thought was “Yeah, I’d hit that….with a stick”. But now that he’s gotten a haircut he looks pretty damn good. Now, I’d hit that. PERIOD.

BEFORE

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AFTER

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Yummy! Now, ofcourse you all have to get some kind of lesson out of this. So what’s today’s lesson? Well, today’s lesson is in etymology. We will be exploring the phrase “I’d hit that”, which I just used above.

As you all probably know: it is phrase, commonly used by males, meaning “I would like to have sex with that person”.

What you probably don’t know, which I didn’t know until a second ago is:

 

The phrase “I’d hit that” has now come to refer to an individual’s stated desire to perform sexual relations with a (typically McDonald’s) hamburger.

Background: An unfortunate McDonald’s advertising campaign, circa early 2005, developed under the assumption that the use of urban lexicon might appeal to a previously underrepresented demographic, i.e., the burger-fetishists.

“Double Cheeseburger? I’d hit it. I’m a Dollar Menu guy.”

I got that from the Urban Dictionary BTW.

My reaction to that is: REALLY? People have sex with McDonald’s hamburgers? Damn! I mean, why a hamburger? Why not a McDonald’s Apple Pie or their new salads? I just don’t get it. And would they talk dirty to it? “Yeah baby, I’m gonna do you better than any grill you’ve ever been on!” Loool. And towards the end he’d go “Get ready baby. I’m ketchuping! I’m KETCHUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGG! UUUUUUUUUGGHHHH!!”

Loooooool….. that is so disgusting! It’s so sick and disgusting that it’s freaking hilarious!
There is a possibility that that whole sex with hamburgers definition isn’t even true, but I’d better stop saying it, just in case. I don’t want people thinking I have sex with McDonald’s hamburgers. I mean if I’m going to have sex with any hamburger it’s going to be with the one at Gaucho. Why? Because everybody knows; Argentinian meat is bigger and better!

Damn, I’m on a roll today! All of you are probably completely grossed out by now, which is a plus for me. I love messing with people. Calm down now. You at least learnt something new today, right? Yeah, you did. So be grateful bitches!

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Let’s switch to another topic: Hoverboards.

I’ve always wanted a hoverboard, not since Back to the Future, but since The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest. Those hoverboards were kick-ass! And guess what?

“Professor Ulf Leonhardt and Dr Thomas Philbin, from the University of St Andrews in Scotland found a way to reverse the Casimir effect, making it repel instead of attract. Soon frictionless nanomachines will having moving parts below your feet to propel you as far away from Biff as your heart desires.”

That’s right! Hoverboards-Coming soon!!!! For more info check out:

BustAChange

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Man, there are so many good things to post about, but I don’t want to overwhelm you, so: Its time for pictures!

 

Here piggy piggy! Suuuuuuweeee!

(The resemblance is striking)

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Actual Sign

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Oh Shit! Ouuuuuuchhhh!

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So true….

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PS: Do you guys think the font is too small? I do. How do I change it? Tekmology is komplimicated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rehab

August 5, 2007

First of all, thanks to all of you for your birthday wishes.

Secondly….

My birthday weekend is officially over. And it was kinda crazy. I don’t think I can go into details but lets just say it was fun and strewn with delicious legal as well as not-so legal substances.

I got a total of six cakes over the three days that I celebrated. I don’t like sweet things so I tried three of them. By far, the best looking one was one that a friend got me in the shape of Ali G. (Thanks friend).

Good times…good times. But now I’m thinking its time for rehab. But rehab is for quitters and my mama told me “Don’t be a quitter”. So I’m hesitating.

I have the full intention of reducing my bad habits. But then again I just can’t say no. Well, we’ll see how well I do.

I really wanna quit my job and do something ridiculously silly and fun like these guys:

http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/youcangetarrestedforthat/index.html

Something else I’d like to do is write a book of incorrect etymology. You know like San Diego means whale’s vagina. Oh c’mon you remember it, from Anchorman:

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there’s no way that’s correct.
Ron Burgundy: I’m sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don’t know what it means. I’ll be honest, I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that’s – that’s what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.”

Man, I love that movie! Anyway, just compose a whole book of untrue definitions and roots of words.

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Anyway, I’ve gotta go you guys. I’m tired and my head hurts. In other words I have a ________.

 

PS: To remind myself, and for you to unnecessarily anticipate, I think tomorrow’s post will be about sex, virginity, affairs, and the like -oooh scandalous. And to help you look forward to it:

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Dolphins

July 5, 2007

This post is specifically for McBastard. But I will allow you all you enjoy it. I’m sooooo great and kind, I love myself.

Anyway, for McBastard:

I’m at work with nothing to do. So I will educate you:
Firstly, I love a man in uniform. And I know you’ll have a new appreciation for the military once you read the following:

“Dolphins have been used by the US military in various capacities for the past several decades, but the Navy has repeatedly denied rumors that it has trained dolphins to run kamikaze bomb missions into enemy boats or submarines or perform other deadly acts.

Still, there have been reports over the years of other military uses of dolphins. A 60 Minutes report featured dolphin trainers who claimed they personally taught dolphins to intercept enemy divers of the coast of Vietnam. The dolphins were able to corral divers, tearing off their face masks and regulators.

In addition, the BBC reported that Russia sold its military dolphins to Iran for use in the Persian Gulf. Little is known as to how Iran deployed the dolphins.”

Loooool! Imagine a dolphin ripping the scuba gear off of you! POWERFUL! Now I know why you “appreciate” dolphins so much.

I was reading more about your favorite weapon, the trebuchet. The one thing that I didn’t know about it, which also made me like it much more is the following:

“The trebuchet is also believed to be an early biological weapon, as armies would load the trebuchet with corpses riddled with diseases like the Black Plague and hurl them into areas under seige in the hopes of infecting large numbers of their enemies.”

Bastardly, I would love to do that! Blast plague-ridden corpses onto people. Ahhhhh…. man, I was born in the place and time.

And now, for the topic we were discussing the other day, Mr. Hands. I was mistaken: the man didn’t do the horse. The horse did him.

“Kenneth Pinyan (June 22, 1960 – July 2, 2005) was a Seattle, Washington resident who engaged in sexual activity with full-size stallions near Enumclaw, Washington, some of which he videotaped and distributed informally under the name Mr Hands. His death at the age of 45 from accidental internal injury (perforated colon), in July 2005, received during a sex act being videotaped by a friend of his, was one of the most read stories in The Seattle Times for that year, and prompted the passing of a bill in Washington State prohibiting both sex with animals, and the videotaping of the same, some months later.

A video often named Mrhands.mpg showing a stallion having anal sex with Pinyan is sometimes used as a shock video on the internet; however, this is not the video of the fatal accident. A documentary of the life and death of Pinyan, and the life led by those who came to the farm near Enumclaw as he did, debuted at the Sundance Film Festival 2007 under the title Zoo. It was one of 16 winners out of 856 candidates for the festival, and played at numerous regional festivals in the USA thereafter. Following Sundance, it was also selected as one of the top five American films to be presented at the “prestigious” Directors Fortnight sidebar at the 2007 Cannes Film Festival. ”

More accurately he died by “Basically, his colon was ruptured, along with his lower organs in that region, and he bled out.”

NASTY!!!!!!! This is why I say sex with animals is wrong!

You can find another article on Mr. Hands in the encylopedia of stupid (it also allegedly has the link to the video): http://www.encyclopediaofstupid.com/stupid/index.php/Mr._Hands

I honestly haven’t seen the video so I don’t know if the link on there works. I don’t have the guts to see it. I’m afraid the images will be permanently burned into my eyeballs.  Let me know if you see it.

For everybody else, I can’t believe that I didn’t post about this before. I thought that I did. I was going to post about the most unusual deaths of the 21st century, I guess I forgot. I’m such a good educator though! I think I should become a kindergarten teacher, don’t you?

“Sex with horses is wrong kids. Can you say, bea-stia-li-ty? Yaaaaaaaaay!”

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Normal human-horse relationship

Like a Virgin…..

May 23, 2007

Apparently, there was this shark that gave birth in captivity; regardless of the fact that it had no contact with any males.  Check out the full BBC story:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6681793.stm

“Whatever, that shark was a ho for sho. She just don’t know who her baby daddy is which is why she claimin’ to be a virgin. Ho.”

I have to say that because that is exactly what people said to me when I had my baby and told them I was a virgin (well half-virgin, maybe). I live in a ghetto, you know, where there are such terms as “baby-daddy” and “half-virgin”. And remember ladies, even if you lose your physical virginity you will always have your MENTAL virginity *unagi sign to temple*.

Thanks to my jew friend for the tip!

So apparently, they discovered a new species of feline, its called the Clouded Leopard. But see the thing it is technically not a leopard. Its as different from a leopard (genetically) as a lion is from a tiger. Why’d they call it a leopard then? I don’t know.

In my professional and divine opinion, there already exists a group of creatures that are distinct from all others: they’re call Pokemon. I think I should email the Society of Animal Lineage and Names and recommend that this creatures name be changed to the Clouded Pokemon, post haste!

Here is a photo of the “leopard” follow the link below it to learn more about this rare pokemon. And don’t be fooled by the retarded appearance of the animal; for this creature officially has the longest canine teeth of any feline:

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http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6452555.stm

 

Supuzzle

May 20, 2007

This puzzle is driving me crazy! Check it out. You will have my highest blessings if you solve it. And remember I am a prophet so my blessings are credible.

 WWW.SUPUZZLE.COM