Soooooooooo….. they hired two new people. I told you that I met one of them previously. Anyway, it turns out that there are two. Just what we need in this division, more Indian people. I freaking work in little Bombay, its ridiculous. And most of these Indians are seriously sly and mit3aqed bastards. Now, now, calm down. Any of you that have worked with them know its true. I’m offended that any of you would call me racist. I’m completely offended. I’m not just any racist. I’m an equal opportunity racist. I hate all races. White, Black, Asian, Mexican, Indian, Amphibian. You name it, I hate it. I’m a hater. And I’m a habitual line stepper.
Anyway, one of the new guys looks like an Indian version of Hitler. Which is really funny to me.
God damnit, I start this post yesterday and I’m trying to continue it today and I have no idea how I felt and what I was trying to say. So I’m starting over:
Let me tell you what happened to me yesterday: Once I got home after work I received a phonecall from my unit head telling me he needs to access some numbers that I have on my PC for my boss. So he wants my login and password. Now you’d think that that wouldn’t be a big deal except in my life everything turns into some kinda joke.
Okay, login is easy. Its my name. My password was a little bit harder to give, seeing as it was “rafiqsuxballs”. Looooool. Goddamnit! That password was for my eyes alone and for my personal pleasure, nobody was supposed to see it. Oh well, I tried to raga3 the password. I spelt it out for him slowly hoping he wouldn’t put it together. He probably did get it but he didn’t say anything, thank God.
Anyway, just thought I’d share that with you. I’m sure you got a kick out of it, just like I did.
Lets see…. what else? Oh yeah, I wanna talk about Flugtag. So after some coaxing, my friends convinced me to “atleast checkout” Flugtag. So we went. I left before any of the planes even took off. It was just too ghetto for me. Sitting on the beach when it was kinda empty was okay. But once the people started coming, I couldn’t handle it. There were kids taking off their clothes and jumping into the water with just their underwear on. Wain ga3deen? That is not cool. It was just gross being around the people that were there. I couldn’t handle it. I felt almost suffocated by the 2araff. It could’ve been much worse, I’ll admit, but it wasn’t something I could suffer through. So I got up and left. And besides, I heard nobody died or got hurt or anything… so whats the point? Isn’t that the only reason people go to those things?
Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve posted stuff like the darwin awards. So let’s do that:
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the United States Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The small metal bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, which was abbreviated: “Wash. Biol. Surv.” until recently when the agency received a letter from an Arkansas outdoorsman.
The letter read: “Dear sirs, While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag, and I want to tell you, it was horrible.”
The bands are now marked “Fish and Wildlife Service.”
Who’s Really A Girl’s Best Friend?The following is a short, amusing, and true story, as seen recently by millions of viewers on a Spanish television channel.
The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter’s name forward for a popular surprise game show. She idolized teeny-bopper pop star Ricky Martin, and it was arranged for TV cameras to be discreetly placed throughout the house. The house was then left empty, except for the pop star left hiding in the girls bedroom closet–all set to give the girl a wonderful surprise when she arrived home from school.
Meanwhile, the parents were in the show’s studio, in front of a live audience. Upon coming home from school, the daughter didn’t go striaght to her room and open the closet as expected. Instead, she began to search the house, calling out the names of family members, trying to determine whether she was alone in the house. After deciding she was indeed home alone, the daughter went into the kitchen and took a large container of pate(pa-tay) from the refridgerator–while the TV audience was left wondering just what was going on. The girl then went upstairs to her bedroom, but instead of finding the surprise waiting in the closet, she removed all her clothes, and then spread the pate all over her naughty place. It is important to remember that Ricky Martin is still in the closet, her parents are watching with a room full of strangers, and half of Spain is seeing a nubile young girl, stark naked on the bed, with pate all over her crotch.
As if the situation was not already shocking enough, the daughter then call the family dog to her bedroom, who obediently trots up the stairs to the bedroom and settles down to enjoy his favorite meal. At this point, the broadcast is abruptly cut off, and the girls’ parents are left sitting in a deadly quiet TV studio full of strangers and TV execs, while a few million Spaniards were at home wetting their pants with laughter.
Sales of pate have reportedly skyrocketed.
What we really want to know, though, is what did Ricky Martin do?
The Tale of the Beer Dragon The recent craze for hydrogen beer in Japan is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar, and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr. Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers.
The Asaka Beer corporation brews “Suiso” brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques.
Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.
The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy. This inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one’s mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere.
“Mr. Otoma has no one to blame but himself. If he had not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have happened. Our security guards undergo the most careful screening and training before they are allowed to deal with customers” said Mr. Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take bar.
“Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximize the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira [Godzilla] would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgment is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager, he was badly out of tune.
“He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge, singeing the front of Mrs. Mifune’s hair, entirely removing her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby customers. None of these people have returned to my bar. When our security staff approached he turned his attentions to them, making it almost impossible to approach him. Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr. Otoma’s knees, knocking his legs from under him.
Nomura continued, “The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled Mr. Otoma’s legs backwards also pivoted around his center of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity. It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette.
“The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion, nor the third degree burns to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential muteness and loss of employment are his own fault, Nomura concluded.
Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment.
Darwin Nominees As we approach the end of 1999, the annual rite of collecting nominees for this years’ Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon ( the remains of) individuals who have given their all in an effort to improve our gene pool. The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made the ultimate sacrifice of killing themselves by the most extraordinarily stupid means. The Awards commemorate those who find innovatively moronic ways of killing themselves, thereby helping to eliminate undesirable weaknesses from the human gene pool. So, in an effort to make us all feel better about ourselves, here are a few fo the nominees for this year.
A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died in a freak accident involving his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine’s ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine’s agitator went into gear. Strickson’s head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson’s face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson’s dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in “a small explosion,” according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson round at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson’s head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped … and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “major trauma.” An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY …
Three young men visiting Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 50 yards from their respective seats.
DON’T TEMPT GOD
A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide(crucifixion style) and shouted: “HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT! Needless to say, God delivered [well, you would, wouldn’t you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry.
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there’s a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion . The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as “bright” by his peers.
“I Got Pregnant During A Computer Sex Chat!”
By Lynda Oakley, Colorado Springs, Colo. via the internet
Frazzled Frances Wyndham believes the father of her unborn child is sitting behind a computer 1,500 miles away — where he got her pregnant during an online sex chat!
“His words were so convincing it felt like we were actually having sex,” Frances claims. “I could hear bells ringing and fireworks going off. My body reacted accordingly, and I became pregnant with his child. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I haven’t had sex with anyone else in over two years. So who else could it be?”
Clarence Kudrow, the man she says impregnated her, is flabbergasted by Frances’ charges — especially since she’s threatening to file a paternity suit. “I haven’t been anywhere near Colorado in my life,” said the 27 year old technician from Buffalo, N.Y. Incredibly, Dr. John Swall, a leading expert in unusual pregnancies, says Francis Wyndham may be right.
“If she had sex two years ago, there is a 5-million- to-one chance that some of the sperm survived but became dormant. Her high state of sexual excitement during the computer session could have helped revive what we call ‘sleeping sperm,’ that resulted in pregnancy. But to say Mr. Kudrow is the father is ridiculous.”
There are only 18 known cases of ‘sleeping sperm’ pregnancy over a 25 year period in the United States. One Ohio widow got pregnant with her husband’s baby nearly 38 months after they had sex for the last time before he died.
Frances, a 26 year-old store clerk, met Clarence in an Internet chat room for singles. They later began having intimate conversations with each other over their computers.
“It’s the only explanation for my pregnancy,” Frances said.
We’ll find out for sure when Clarence has to take a blood test.
Who’s the Daddy? The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency forms under the section for listing father’s details. These are apparently actual statements, but we don’t know from where, though.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.
I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.
I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], I might have remained unfertilized.
Hats Off to the General Editors note: We did our best to confirm this little story. No one was talking. All indications are that this actually happened, but we cannot be sure. Even if this is a fabrication, what a great answer!
This is supposedly a partial transcript of an National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and a US Army Lieutenant General Reinwald, about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.
INTERVIEWER: “So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?”
LTG REINWALD: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.”
INTERVIEWER: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”
LTG REINWALD: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the range.”
INTERVIEWER: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”
LTG REINWALD: “I don’t see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.”
INTERVIEWER: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers!”
LTG REINWALD: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?”
End of the interview.
Hats off, and a snappy salute, to the general.
The following was taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out.
He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day…
MORE BAD DAYS!
- A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise’s car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window, climb out, and swim to shore where a tree blew over and killed him.
- Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on “The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges” when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge-killing him.
- Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
- George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for his files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly.
- Depressed since he couldn’t find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
- In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y. was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up.
Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
- A man hit by a car in New York City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death.
- Two German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car over the middle of the road. At the moment of impact, their heads were both out of the windows where they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren’t even scratched.
- Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife’s incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself.
When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted.
Hearing a disturbance, a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place.
As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his wife were reconciled
KENTUCKY FRIED ORGANISMS
Federal food inspectors forced Kentucky Fried Chicken to change its name to “KFC” after it was discovered that KFC uses genetically manipulated organisms (“chickens”) that are kept alive by tubes that pump blood and nutients through their bodies. They have no beaks, no feathers, and no feet. The government ruled that these creatures cannot legally be called chickens.
LIFE IMITATES “ART”
A teenager who tried to imitate a scene from the movie American Pie severely burnt himself while trying to shag a hot apple pie.
In an interview with Larry King, Monica Lewinsky said “I’ve learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.” Meanwhile, her father is threatening legal action so that his family name is not used as a slang for oral sex, after a character on a sitcom described the act as “getting a Lewinsky.”
A member of the KKK has tried to legally change his name to “Hi Hitler.” Apparently, he had watched a lot of Nazi documentaries and thought the Nazis were chanting “Hi Hitler,” instead of “Heil Hitler.”
ANIMALS CAN BE SO HEARTLESS
Two seals, nearly killed in the Exxon Valdez oil spill, were rehabilitated at a cost of $80,000 each. At a special ceremony the saved animals were released back into the water. In full view of the wildly cheering spectators, the seals were eaten by a killer whale.
STUDYING HUMAN NATURE
A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. Purely scientific. Unfortunately, the nagging got to him, and soon he beat her with an ax, leaving her mentally retarded.
CRUELTY TO ACTIVISTS
Two animal rights activists, protesting at a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany, were killed when two thousand pigs escaped through a broken fence and trampled them to death.
An Iranian terrorist who failed to put enough postage on a letter bomb was killed when the package was returned to him and he absentmindedly opened it.
OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!
A man trying to self-pierce his foreskin missed a nail and brought a two-pound hammer down on his penis. In shock, he tried to kill the pain by pouring Coke on his mangled organ. After passing out from the pain, the mixture of blood and the sugary drink attracted rats who gnawed off the man’s penis, scrotum and testicles.
MAN’S BEST (TASTING) FRIEND
Hans and Ema W., who had taken their dog with them on a trip to China, were eating at a restaurant. They asked the waiter to find something for the dog to eat in the kitchen. Unfortunately, due to the language barrier, the dog was taken to the kitchen, delicately prepared, and served to Hans and Ema as their main dish.
TRY NOT TO PICTURE IT
Too much anal sex loosens the muscles in the anus so much that some people are no longer able to control their bowel movements, and have to wear tampons in their anal cavity to “hold stuff in.”
5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen
Mandatory Vacation Time – i’m sure some of your went through this
For my Jewish friend
I actually have a ton more links but I think you’ve read and looked at enough for today. I don’t want to overwhelm your puny minds.
Retarded Video – Hitler, lol!
Quote of the Day:
Chirp: “Just trip him and then blame it on Hitler”