The Truth About Scooby Doo

You know, as kids you watch cartoons, not really knowing what’s going on (because you’re so innocent). I know more about the cartoons I used to watch now that I’m grown up, you know, like the fact that He-Man was gay. Alot of people never really think about it, but I do. So I thought I’d enlighten you with a short explanation of Scooby Doo:

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Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show was really all about. As I’ve gotten older, it has become more clear to me what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine.

What We Remember:
Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort–and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.

The Truth:
Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychodelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve a mystery.

It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence…

Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current ‘grunge’ scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a ‘burner’, i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.

And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his ‘high’ from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.

The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world–they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however..

Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go ‘solve the case’ by themselves. It’s no real mystery what these two are really doing–they’re getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.

And what about Velma? Everyone’s least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality. Where do you thing Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.

So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slangin’ dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and fucking their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect ‘hit’.”

All you consumers out there probably know how retarded customer service is. And all of you that actually deal with customers and clients know how retarded they can be. The story below scores one idiocy point for the customer service team:

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and The Bank billed her for February March for their annual service charges on her credit card, added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance of $0, is now somewhere around $60. A Family Member placed a call to The Bank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: “I am calling to tell you she died in January.”
The Bank: “The account was never closed, and the late fees charges still apply.”
Family Member: “Maybe you should turn it over to collections.”
The Bank: “Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
The Bank: “Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau. Maybe both !”
Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?” (I really liked this part !!!!)
The Bank: “Excuse me?”
Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you? The part about her being dead?”
The Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” !

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you she died in January.”
The Bank: “The account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply.” (This must be a phrase taught by The Bank!)
Family Member: “Do you mean you want to collect from her estate?”
The Bank: (stammering) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member: “No, I’m her great-nephew.”
The Bank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
Family Member: “Sure.” (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
The Bank: “Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”
Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great ! If not, you could just keep billing her. I really don’t think she will care.”
The Bank: “Well, the late fees charges do still apply.”
(What is wrong with these people??!!)
Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”
The Bank: “Yes, that will help.”
Family Member: ” Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
The Bank: “Sir, that is a cemetery!”
Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!

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Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Don’t make promises you have no intention of keeping.

Xin Liangkun, 53, of Dalian city, created an unique five layered ball in 10 years. He created the ball such that each of the five balls can turn inside without touching the others. In a television documentary he claimed that no one could reproduce the ball.

“This ball was my first piece, and only I understand how it was made,” he told a television documentary. “If anyone can reproduce it, I’l give him my three-storey building, and the collections within it.”

But young porcelain amateur from Luoyang city, Sun Zheng, created the exact same thing in six month.

Promise is promise but it was not easy for Xin to hand over his home and his prized porcelain collecion. He tried to prove that the replica wasn’t similar to the one he created but unsucessfully.

A court ruled that Xin’s TV pledge has the same validity as a signed contract, and must be fulfilled.

If Xin does not appeal within 15 days he will lose his £100,000 three-story home and his prized porcelain collection.

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I think that’s enough writing fortoday. I don’t want to overload your sensitive brains. Soooooo… it’s comic and picture time!!!!!!!!!!

Well, actually, just a couple of more words… to introduce the first comic: I hate people that constantly type in shitty IRC language. It’s okay to use ‘u’ instead of ‘you’ but don’t overdo that shit. Its really sad when people lose their ability to communicate properly like a human being, and yet they don’t realize that they’re slowly reducing themselves to animal level. Why don’t you just grunt instead of talk? That’s what ultimately what you’re going to do, you apes. You developed proper language skills for a reason retards.

 

 

 

 

This last one reminds me to remind you to remind me to

post about aliens and ‘judgment day’

(It’s a GIF so wait for it….)

 

NOTE: Has anybody heard of Balls of Fury and does anybody know if a pirated copy is out?