Dark Confessions of a Twisted Mind

September 4, 2007

Yeah, yeah, I know, I didn’t post yesterday. I have other things to do you know, I’m not your slave. You can’t just turn me on and off like a light switch you know. God, I’m so under-appreciated.

Anyway, I finished the first season of Dexter yesterday. Quite a good series I must say. Its twisted but I really relate to it. Not that I’m a serial killer, yet, but I understand how it feels to be alone and feel nobody really understands you. There is nobody who really knows me, all of me. There are many people who know different parts of who I am but there is nobody on this earth that knows all of me. And that makes me really sad sometimes.

I just want to be happy, but for some reason I can’t. I can have negative emotions, like anger, sadness and hate, but the positive ones are hard for me. And I can laugh (I laugh alot) and I can feel happiness sometimes be I don’t know if I can BE happy. I don’t know how I feel anymore. The best I can describe it is that I constantly search for temporary highs to make me think that I’m happy. But I’m just deceiving myself. You know that song “there’s gotta be more (to life)”? That’s how I feel.

Anyway, I have no idea why I’m telling you all this (especially since some of you out there know who I am). I don’t want sympathy, I guess I just want somebody out there to say they understand (and actually mean it).

Let’s see, as long as I’m on a roll here I might as well admit to you some more evil things about me.

I enjoy the sight of blood. It turns me on, and I don’t mean sexually, thank you very much. I mean that it excites me. I find blood (only if its running) fascinating and a little bit enchanting. Everytime I’d say that to somebody, even tough macho guys, they freak out a little, like they think I’m going to stab them to see their blood. It’s not like that, just think of it as you think of somebody who likes chocolate. They probably wouldn’t stab somebody with some Cadbury in their pocket. They’d probably just watch longingly as the person eats it, right?

Another thing about me is that I cherish my sleep. It’s beyond sacred to me. I prefer sleeping over being awake. So HUGE WARNING to everybody who knows me: DO NOT BOTHER ME WHEN I’M SLEEPY, SLEEPING OR GOING TO SLEEP.

Now, let me clarify a couple of things. I’m no morbid goth (I like pokemon). And just because I enjoy the sight of blood does not mean I would ever cut myself (I swear those are cat scrathes on my hands and arms! Muhahahaha!). And contrary to popular belief, just because I prefer sleeping to being awake, it does not mean want to be dead. I just want to be asleep, there’s a huge difference.

Anyway, I guess this should be considered my “personal” post, which for most other girls would be considered one about not being able to lose weight and get married or something retarded like that. Don’t you feel closer to me now that you know something a little different about me?

I also like teddy bears and long walks on the beach. Call me!

PS: None of you told me whether you want “drug week” or not. Gosh! You guys suck! Fine, no drugs for you!


5 Responses to “Dark Confessions of a Twisted Mind”

  1. Chirp said

    Why are the positive ones hard for you? Has it always been like this or only when you moved back after college?
    Cuz since I have been in Kuwait I have been feeling emotions I never knew I could feel :P

    I want a post dedicated to how cats mate, when is Mashmoosha going to meet fahoood?

    I know what you mean when u say that you cherish your sleep, thats how I feel about food. I LOVE FOOD i hate it when ppl don’t know what good food is and when they bother me when i’m eating, or they finish my left over, it hurts.

  2. chikapappi said

    :) I wrote a post on happy – anger thought hmm.. two days ago; Hope you work things & feel ok.

    I prefer sleeping over being awake too !!

  3. Prophet of Random said

    Chika: Sleep is awesome. I try to sleep in as many different places as I can. It’s kinda a hobby for me.

    Chirp: How about you bring Mashmoosha on Thursday? Cuz Fahood is losing his balls on Saturday.
    And I’ve had the whole emotions problems before I moved back here. The more I busy myself with things the less I feel it, but when I stop and think of it all I’m doing is avoiding the reality and distracting myself, and I doubt that’s the way it should be.

  4. whiskey said

    YOU! I know YOU!

    And I totally relate not that you are a song, but you know what I mean.

    Go study medicine, whatever you still has plenty of time…

  5. N. said

    I just want to say, yeah, feeling different than everyone else does ring a bell. Is it hard not being yourself sometimes?

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