Mozart and Children

August 30, 2007

I’m sitting here, at work, listening to some Mozart trying to calm down and relax. I’ve been stressing over continuing my “higher studies” (not as in smoking a joint, but rather the real deal). I’ve been stressing over if I’ll even be able to go, who’s going to pay for it….etc. Anyway, as I sit here, with Mozart’s Menuetto Moderato Trio plays soothingly in my ears, I’m reading about things that could stress me out so much more, namely children. Children are like ferocious, comic little people on drugs. They’ll pretty much drive you insane if you don’t know the proper way to wrangle them up. Like this woman who sells the stuff her kids buy (without her permission) on EBay. Poor woman…. What’s worse is this guy (what a freaking retard).

100 kids? Is he crazy? I mean, I understand, back in the day, if you were royalty you’d want to have alot of kids just in case your enemies invaded and wanted to kill the entire royal family and take over the nation. But these days…. come on! I mean there are some bloody annoying Emarati people that I want to kill out there but I doubt that anybody is going to try to slaughter this guy and his family (except I might now, because he’s seriously contributing to overpopulation and overcrowding in the world).

I wonder how he decides what he’s going to name them. Letters won’t work, there aren’t enough in the alphabet. I guess you could number them. # 1, #2 (the first two would probably get made fun of alot, you know, number two…. hehehe).

I would name my kids after different products and get my kids sponsored for life. You know, call them things like Aquafresh, Kotex, and Trojan(man) – I obviously won’t be needing Tojans though if I have 100 kids. Let’s see what else is important to have around the house, oh, Pringles, iTunes, Showtime, Orbit, Playstation… and the list goes on.

I guess I would have 100 kids if I could benefit off of each one… I have to start right now though if I want to have enough to sustain me through the rest of my life.

Kids make great slaves too. So obedient, if you hit them enough.

Just because you’re somebody’s kid doesn’t mean they like you, you know. Take a look at what Leona Helmsley did. She left $12 million to her dog instead of her descendants. Damn, that one rich motherfucking dog! Woof!

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Look at one of the stupidest toys ever made:

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A Spin-The-Bottle bottle for $35? Who would buy that? Obviously, no parent is going to buy it for their kid (unless your house is a brothel and your mother is raising hookers). And why would a kid spend $35 on something that could be substituted for a $1 coke bottle? In the states if a kid had $35 and wanted to get some action, he’d just give it to the local whore and get her to go down on him. Obviously the creators of this toy didn’t think it through very well. For shame!

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Do you know what time it is? That right, its picture time!!!!!!!!!

Kick-ass new NASA rocket

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Forget it

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Coming to Life

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Inflatable Pub (I soooo want one- I NEED it!)

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This makes me laugh- so evil!

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Have a great long weekend kids! See you next week! Just in case I die this weekend I want you to know one thing- the quote of the day:

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.”

 

 

 

 

Tits!

August 29, 2007

Well start off today with some entertainment news:

Everybody’s favorite rude middle-schools are set to be with us until 2011. That’s right! South Park’s Comedy Central Contract has been renewed for a cool $75 Mil.

As Cartman would say “Tits!!!!”

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In more entertainment news, French and Saunders (from Absolutely Fabulous) have a new series called A Bucket of French and Saunders. All you Ab Fab fans should probably check it out.

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I don’t have time to post anything today: I’m researching grad schools (my ticket outta here!). Tralala!

 

*I know that some of you clicked on the Tits link thinking you’d land on some porn. Haha! Fooled you!

 

Orange Mocha Frappucino

August 28, 2007

I don’t really feel like posting today. I don’t feel like being at work either (but I am- although I showed up 3 hours late :) ). What I really want to be doing right now is sitting by a pristine pool, soaking up the sun’s rays, with an orange mocha frapuccino in my hand. It would be nice if there was a little Captain Morgan in the frappucino.
For all of you “hard at work” right now: close your eyes and imagine, just for a minute, that you’re tanning by a beautiful pool with a lil something-something in your drink. Close your eyes, I mean it! …….. now start imagining……………..

.

.

.

.

Now, wasn’t that nice?

*deep sigh* You know, there are so many better places you could be on earth than where you are. Do you know that? Now, now, I know that there are some of you over-patriotic, optimistic, enthusiastic, spastic, plastic, magic, lick, stick, anything-ic people who are saying “What?! No way! Kuwait is the bestest best bestest place ever! Gimme a K! Kay! Gimme a U! Yu! Gimme a W -”

Shut the fuck up and spare us your unrealistic fake patriotism. I have decided to become a citizen of Huvafen Fushi. Now, I don’t know if they can give me citizenship seeing as Huvafen Fushi is a resort. But I don’t care. I’m determined to become a citizen there. It’ll be so awesome: I’d get to say “Hi, I’m Prophet and I’m Huvafen Fushian. Where are you from?”

Why a Huvafen Fushi citizen? Because its a bloody amazing place! Thats why! It’s in the Maldives. Take a look:

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Under-Water Spa

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Go through the website and then tell me you’d rather be sitting in Nino or some shit like that.

Viva Huvafen Fushi!

Anyway, since I came in late, I don’t really have time to post anything really. So I’ll part with a couple of comics. The first is an interviewing tip to help all of you out there that are looking to get employed.

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Oh yeah, I just remembered: I want to thank N. for the link yesterday (Perez Hilton actually posted about it too). Check it out:

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2007/08/26/4448856-ap.html

This is it:

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Slap Slap

August 27, 2007

You know I woke up yesterday feeling like crap. I woke up just completely pissed (not the in the British sense). I wanted to just punch somebody, and I didn’t want to deal with retards (inevitable as it is). Maybe its “that time of the month” or something but I just felt really frustrated and angry and then it came….. I don’t mean my “mensus”, I mean THE SONG. The song that just completely described how I felt and made me feel alot better.

Listen to “Slap” by Ludacris

The first two verses apply to me. The rest… well… they might apply to me when I become somebody’s baby mama in the ghetto.

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Okay kids, now, line up, shut the fuck up and listen up because its LESSON TIME!!

Today’s lesson is in how not to be a retard. TIMMY! Below are somethings that some real retards have done that landed them in an ER. You are to learn from the stupidity of these idiots and you are not to do the same thing. OK? OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man’s house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man’s poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man’s jewels from the dog’s mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling “Puta! Puta! Puta!” At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby’s father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was “Puja!” (Push!) Instead he was saying “Whore! Whore! Whore!”

A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled “Come on back this afternoon. We’re having a Butt-luck supper”. (How embarrassing is that!)

An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: “It was a fifty, bitch!”

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: “I got the green vines in my virginny” (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she “put a potato in there to hold it up” and then forgot about it.

The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female’s room.

Doctor: “The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you’re not sexually active?”

Patient: “Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there.”

Doctor: “I see. Well, do you know who the father is?”

Patient: “No. Who?”

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from “crank” (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, “I’ve been screwing the dog?”

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn’t able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and “gagged” myself to vomit but couldn’t vomit it up either.”

Lesson for the day: Don’t be a retard!

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During my research to find all things random I come upon some pretty interesting sites. I have to tell you, one of the strangest blogs that I’ve come upon has to be The Superfluous Nipple. And you guessed it, its “a shrine to the third nipple”.

Wow, a blog dedicated to third nipples? You see some really messed up shit on there. Like this:

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Thats right! A nipple on somebody’s foot. Gross.

I wonder if he/she get turned on when they walk. I also wonder if this guy went to a spa, would it be inappropriate for him to get a foot massage? Oooo! Oooo! If I was back in middle school and this guy was walking down the hall I know exactly what I’d say: “Hey, look everybody! It’s TitFoot!”

Hahahahahaaaa!!!!!!! I’m soooo mean.

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It’s picture time! *dum dum dum dum dum* Do you hear the techno rave music? I do! Take it away Arnold!

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Today’s pictures are a selection of cell phones you can’t buy, nuts for you!:

Pantech’s Flexus Mobile Phone

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NEC’s “Tag” Phone

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Nokia Aeon

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Synaptics Onyx Mobile

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Motorola PVOT Phone

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Dual-Screen Cell Phone

Alloy Total Product Design’s “The Polygon” boasts two displays: a standard high-resolution display for viewing data and a touchscreen for accessing menus, etc.

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Fuzzy the Bunny

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I just put the bunny there because he’s so squishably cute *squish*

Quote of the Day:

Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chocolate Milk and iPods

August 26, 2007

I have to say, I complain about my job alot, but the fact is there is one huge positive to working here: I get to do alot of shit and I get away with it.

Let me give you a more specific example:
My boss walks into my office to tell me that the HR manager was just in to see him. And my boss was telling him how impressed he was with me and how hardworking I am (teehheeee). And how I need to work twice as hard as everybody here because US KUWAITIS ARE THE FUTURE.

The whole “work hard, you are the future” is my boss’ usual rant. Okay. So what’s the big deal? The big deal is what I was doing when he walked in to tell me what I good worker I was.

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I was sipping on my 123 KDD mini milk chocolate while listening to Get Crunk by Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys and I was getting really into it. I was so into it that I started dancing (kinda). Let’s just say that my dance was a modified version of the dance below:

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I’m completely serious! You couldn’t make this shit up. I was sipping on my chocolate milk with my iPod on full blast, and shaking my shoulders when my boss walks in.
I was going to burst into laughter, but I just paused my iPod and put down my milk (stopped dancing too) and smiled at my boss. And my boss said nothing of it… he just told me what I already know: I’m awesome- and a kick-ass worker.

Loool…. man, I’m going to miss this place (kinda- well, not really).

Anyway, enough about me and my crazy adventures at work. It’s time to help all of you enjoy your mundane jobs. The best way to entertain yourself at work is with Faceball- a revolutionary new game!

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Basically, you just throw balls at each others faces- it’s genius! Its especially fun if you play it with a co-worker that doesn’t know you’re playing! What fun!

For the official rules of Faceball and a score sheet click here.

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As you should all know by now, I enjoy things that are strange and disturbing. Which is why you shouldn’t piss me off because you know I’m not going to be a girly-girl and just go home and cry. I might cry for 5 minutes but while I’m sobbing I’m going to do something really fucked up to you.
For example, if my boyfriend cheated on me I wouldn’t just get upset, I’d get even. I’d sooo do what the woman below did.

Woman sets ex’s penis on fire

A Russian man is recovering after his ex-wife set fire to his penis.

The woman is reported to have lost her her temper as he sat watching TV – naked and sipping vodka.

It is not clear if the man will make a full recovery, reports Sky News.

“It was monstrously painful,” the injured man told reporters. “I was burning like a torch. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

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Ouch!!! That can’t be pleasant. Oh well, as they say: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”.

The penis-flambe story teaches us two very good lessons:

Lesson One: Ladies, there’s always a way to get even, so stop crying.

Lesson Two: Guys, you think it’s cool and pimp to fuck around with a lot of different girls, eh? Well, one day one of them is going to turn out to be insane and she’s going to set you’re dick on fire. In conclusion: Keep your dick in your pants, and it’ll be out of harm’s way.

What? What is that you guys are saying? I can’t hear you. TURN MY HEADPHONES UP! Uuhhhh!

Oh, oh, you want pictures? Okay. But you have to look at one nasty one first, okay?

OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

 

Disfigured Hand

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How to Prepare a Kiwi

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Go little piggy!

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Hot Dog Cake

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Jesus Goes for the Gold!!

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Concentration Camp

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Danger, Prophet, Danger!

August 23, 2007

I just realized something…. something sad…. and, no, its not that Jenna Jameson took out her implants and is quitting porn (which will be discussed below). It’s something worse:

I might be quitting my job soon (which is great news!) but the thing is that the only time I really blog (or use the internet at all) is when I’m at work. Thusly, when I quit, it may be, just maybe, the end of The Chronicles of Random.

Don’t cry little ones, nothing is for sure. And anyway, every prophet tries to convey their message to the Good People and then, eventually, must come to an end.

Anyway, like I said, nothing’s for sure, so dry your eyes little retarded darlings and keep on reading! Because today’s edition of The Chronicles of Random starts off with some news from the adult movie world!

JENNA JAMESON QUITS MAKING PORN!

Now, I’m not one of those girls that believes all porn degrades women. I’m not going to say: Thank God, Jenna quit that horrid industry, and is now free to ride unicorns and shit. But I really am glad that JJ quit. “Why?” Are you seriously asking me that question? Have you seen her lately? She looks like a tall, disfigured oompa-loompa.
I won’t lie, she used to be hot. Used to be. But something happened to her. She had a freak accident with a mystic-tan machine and then for some reason she got a blind man to give her facial plastic surgery.

Before Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

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After marinading in Mirinda for a year

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Now, for you emos out there: this next part is going to be a little verbally graphic you may want to skip ahead:

I just know that there are a couple of you guys out there that are getting a getting horny while looking at the pictures above. And you’re imagining doing Jenna Jameson on your office desk. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Do you know what would happen if you stuck your dick in that? It would explode. And I don’t mean in an orgasmic sense. I mean it would literally explode. *Ka-boom*

-“What happended to your dick?”

-“I stuck it in Jenna Jameson”

-“Oh….. yeah, that was stupid.”

-“Yeah… I know.”

That is the conversation your going to be having with your VD doctor after the explosion. Seriously, that ho is nasty in every possible way! Yeeccchh!

Now stop looking at Jenna and rubbing your crotch, and go calm down: Go watch some Barney or something. But God, if you think Jenna Jameson is hot you’d probably want to stick it up Barney too. Go get some professional help, you sick bastard!

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In other news, something horrible has happened. Here’s the news from Geekologie:

“In one of the saddest turn of events I have read recently, some guy managed to secure a direct casting of Han Solo in carbonite from the original prop, and then had the face sawed off and replaced with a mold of his. This is in no way, shape, or form cool at all. What was this guy thinking? You have an iconic piece of one of the best movies of all time, and you go and deface it (literally). He probably has the Holy Grail chalice from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade too, but decided it wasn’t cool enough and had to glue plastic rhinestones on it and write “Pimp Juice” on the side with puffy paint. “

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Picture time!!

Lolcat!

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What if a lolcat wrote the bible? Hmmmmm…..

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Why you should get the warranty….

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Protein Diet

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God

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What to do if you encounter a mountain lion:

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Segway-Beta

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They’re making a He-Movie you know:

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Comics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The break up

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??

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This last one is for my Jew friend: Foofy

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I’m sick

August 22, 2007

I’m sick you guys (many people say in more than one way). Anyway, I’m ill, or atleast I’m getting there. I get these ups and downs. One minute I’m fine, another minute I feel like I’m going to pass out. Fucked up…. anyway, so I got hopped up on vitamin C yesterday. It makes you hyperactive if you take too much and your pee turns fluorescent yellow (wicked!).

So I just wanted to explain, if I was acting weirder than usual, its because of the vitamin C overdose. Also the loud-volumed speaking (AKA yelling) is because my ears get horribly blocked when I get sick.

Also, please note that vitamin C will keep you awake if you take it too late in the day. I couldn’t sleep yesterday until 3 am. Which sucks monkey balls because I have to be at work by 7:30. I manage to drag myself to work on time. I show up here, with my rayban wayfarers on and I don’t take them off (because my eyes are all puffy and shit) and people look at me all suspicious (including my boss). I explain its because I’m sick, I don’t think they believe me. But I swear, I’m not hungover! Not today anyway….

Rayban Wayfarers

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Vitamin C is my drug of choice. But it doesn’t really take care of those nasty flu aches and pains. What does? Thats right!: FLAVORED COCAINE! Yummmmy! Its most popular flavors are coconut, strawberry, banana and chocolate.

What does it taste like? The strawberry one tastes “like Strawberry Shortcake just peed down the back of my throat” according to TMZ.com

Flavored cocaine: If that isn’t marketing to children I don’t know what is.

What I do know is snorting things in general is bad for you, don’t do it! Especially, don’t snort powdered sugar candy like Pixie Stix. It might seem like fun because all the other kids are doing it, but just say no! Trust me… just say no to the Pixies *sob*

Pixie Stix

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Pixie Stix Being Snorted

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There are stranger and cooler things in this world than snorting candy. For example:

Glow in the Dark Mushrooms

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With the arrival of Japan’s rainy season, a mysterious type of green, glow-in-the-dark mushroom begins to sprout in Wakayama prefecture. The Mycena lux-coeli mushrooms, known locally as shii no tomobishi-dake (literally, “chinquapin glow mushrooms”), sprout from fallen chinquapin trees. As they grow, a chemical reaction involving luciferin (a light-emitting pigment contained within the mushrooms) occurs, causing them to glow a ghostly green. (Kiwipulse)

Luciferin is also on of the chemicals that causes fireflies to light up. I wish I had luciferin in my body. I would use it to convey messages to those around me. For example, if my boobs lightup that means: I’m horny. Wow, glow in the dark boobs would be cool. I would sooooo be the most popular person at a rave. While all the rest of the girls are trying to dance all sexy with their glowsticks, I’d just take my top off and go”That’s right bitches, they glow in the dark! Woooo woooo! Motorboat!” *brrrrrrrrrmmmm*

That last one is for my little friend who I saved in the time of the Bonbonas stool adventure. (The rest of you might not get it).

You know who has great green boobs? The starbucks mermaid, atleast the one that’s in Whitechapel in England. They put those burlesque nipple covers on her:

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and just FYI. The starbucks logo used to be different before it was taken over by the corporate devils. She used to have nipples and a bellybutton. But they changed the logo so that she wouldn’t offend people. Here’s how she used to look:

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Anyway, you know what I would really like to have: The paintball gun below. I’ve haven’t paintballed yet. But I know if I had this gun I’d kick-ass at it.

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Man, the insides of my ears itch like crazy! Would it be too inappropriate if I stuck my finger in there and gave them a good scratch? I mean if my cat can lick his balls then I should be able to stick my finger into my ears, right? Fine! I’ll just wait until I get home and use a q-tip. Gosh! You guys are so judgmental!

Anyway, since we started off on the topic of drug, we’ll end with it. Here’s a nice read from BileDuct (I can’t remember if I posted it before- my memory sucks: damn you Pixie Stix, DAMN YOUUUUUUUUU!)

 

This is Your Child on Drugs.

So I was watching TV the other day and saw a new Partnership for a Drug-Free America commercial. Actually I don’t think they’re called that anymore. They have some new 21st century name or something. Anyway, you know who I’m talking about. The commercial featured an average looking teenage boy doing a talking-head monologue that went something like this:

Hey teenager, are your parents watching this with you? Good. Have they talked to you about the drug ecstasy yet? No? They still think partying is about drinking beer, huh? They don’t know good kids just like you take ecstasy. They’ve never asked about the vitamins in your room or the glow-stick jewelry. Ecstasy can kill you and drugs are bad.

OK, I don’t think he actually said “drugs are bad”, but I forget how he wraps up.

Anyway, I just want to say thank God for this commercial! It’s high time parents were made aware of the drug ecstasy (not to be confused with the emotion ecstasy) and its inextricable link to glow-stick jewelry. Where there is glow-stick jewelry there is, without a doubt, ecstasy. Probably ketamine too.

But unfortunately, this commercial doesn’t go nearly far enough toward educating parents. Every drug out there has definitive warning signs, so as a public service I’m going to list them below.

By far, the biggest indicator of drug use in general is moodiness and rebelliousness in teenagers. Non drug using teenagers are perfectly happy, self-actualized individuals that have super relationships with their parents and their entire families. If your teenager shies away from family activities and seems to want to spend a lot of time out of the house or alone, seek counseling immediately.

If your teenager exhibits moodiness and rebellion, the music he or she listens to and the way they dress can help you determine exactly what drug they are addicted to. Generally speaking, if your child listens to the same music you listened to when you were young, it’s a safe bet they take the same drugs you did. Classic rock means marijuana and 80’s pop is a sure sign of cocaine.

Here are some specific warning signs that your child is in trouble with drugs and other nefarious activities.

Does your child wear baggy hip-hop clothing and listen to rap music?

Your child smokes crack.

Does your child wear tie-dyed t-shirts and listen to The Grateful Dead, Phish, Widespread Panic or Government Mule?

Your child smokes pot and takes LSD.

Does your child listen to The Velvet Underground or Nirvana?

Definitely heroin. If no track marks are evident, he or she shoots it under his toenails or eyelids.

Does your child listen to heavy metal music?

Methamphetamine.

Does your child listen to the blues?

Your child shot a man in Memphis.

Does your child listen to Marilyn Manson?

Your child worships The Devil and fucks dead kittens (unless your child is a girl, in which case she fucks live dobermans).

Does your child listen to techno dance music?

Ecstasy and ketamine again. That this was left out of the PSA described above is a huge disservice to paranoid parents.

Does your child wear ripped clothing, dye their hair funny colors and listen to punk rock?

Your child sniffs butyl nitrate and is probably bisexual, unless they are just a poseur.

Is your child a high-school cheerleader or football player?

You have nothing to worry about. Your child is a good old fashioned red blooded American alcoholic.

Does your child listen to 1940’s swing music by black bandleaders?

Your child smokes marijuana, but spells it “marihuana”.

Does your child lift weights?

Duh!! Steroids!! If your daughter lifts weights she probably also wolfs muff.

Is your child a teen starlet?

She smokes cigarettes and snorts cocaine.

Does your child wear Wranglers jeans, shirts with snap buttons and listen to country and/or western music?

Again, nothing to worry about. It’s only beer and Jack Daniels.

Does your teenage daughter spend much of her free time at the mall?

Your daughter sucks cock for money.

Does your teenage son spend much of his free time at the mall?

Your son sucks cock for free.

Does your child listen to Christian rock?

Your child is an idiot. They also have no taste and no friends.

Would your child rather spend time on the internet than watching TV?

This is huge. The best you can hope for is that your child is a geek. Other signs of geekdom include reading when not required to (especially science fiction), Monty Python and Dungeons and Dragons. Dungeons and Dragons is also a sure sign of Satanism, so seek immediate religious counseling and possibly exorcism.

If internet use is high but no symptoms of geekdom exist, there is only one other possibility. Your child is meeting middle-aged men in chat rooms then meeting them at the mall to have sex with them.

Does your teen seem nervous around the opposite sex?

Your child is homosexual.

While the temptations facing teens in the 21st century are many, by familiarizing yourself with the warning signs and remaining vigilant, you can save your children. If your child exhibits any of these warning signs, they should be institutionalized at once.

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Quote of the Day:

“You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.” – Rowan Atkinson.

 

 

 

 

 

“Working”

August 21, 2007

Most of you that read this blog “work” somewhere or other. I thought that this post I’d give you somethings to do during those inevitable moments of boredom.

#1: Make a paper pope to put on your desk. Make sure to make it says blasphemous things so that you can offend your Catholic co-workers.

Just click on the thumbnail, print it, and follow the instructions:

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#2: Download some new music for your iPod. Where? Take a look here.

# 3: Adopt an office-pet. I talked to my co-workers about getting an office pet to brighten the place up… they didn’t really take me seriously *grumble*. I’ll show them…..

You know what pet I’ve always wanted: a piglet (even before The Simpsons Movie)

They’re cute and…..ummmm…. we’ll they’re cute:

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What’re the piggies doing with the tiger?

In a zoo in California , a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth.

The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother’s cubs, perhaps she would improve.

After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veter inarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only orphans” that could be found quickly, were a litter of weaner pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger” and she accepted them as her cubs.

#4: Start a high school dating website like this one. Knowing the little hos and retards in our schools these days. Alot of people are going to want to join and if you charge registration fee… let’s just KA-CHING! And then you can quit your boring job and live off of the sluttiness of today’s tore-up-from-the-floor-up youth.

*Knowing, you, my readers, I know you tried to access the profile of the underage girls to see how hot they are. You sick bastards! And I’m sure you discovered that the site is an April Fools joke…. but just imagine if it was real.

#5: Search online for a costume that you can wear to your next fancy dress party. Here are some recommendations:

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#5: Look up every Sanchez in any US yellowpages you want. Then call each one up and say the following (I actually came up with this based on the picture below):

You: Hello

Sanchez: Hello

You: Is this Mr. Sanchez?

Sanchez: Yes, this is he.

You: Is this Mr. Sanchez? Mr. Dirty Sanchez? *giggle giggle*

Sanchez: *hangs up phone*

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#6: Well, there are alot more things you could do to entertain yourself and waste time… reading this blog is one of them.

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Time for more pictures:

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Delicious!

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This next one I feel really represents me:

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Real Chinese Doritos

 

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So wonderfully mean!!!

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Shut your whore mouth! (Obviously a Ghetto Kuwaiti cat)

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Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

 

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Duck, Duck, Goose!

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Quote of the Day:

Life is sexually transmitted.

PS: I don’t know why wordpress insists on putting a huge empty gap at the end of my posts. How do I stop it? How do I stop the madness?! This is madness!

Before any of you says it, I’ll say it first:

Madness? Madness? This is SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *kick*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Initiative

August 20, 2007

So I’m sure you all know about the earthquake. Now, I’m not going to tell you about how I felt it or what I was doing the moment it hit (I’m not that type of TIMMY blogger), I mean who cares. I have a matter of higher importance to convey to you:

It is so obvious that Kuwait is completely unprepared for any type of real disaster. We’re lucky that it was just a 4.3 quake. But I know (because I am Prophet) that soon enough there’s going to be a nasty-ass quake that will devastate this nation. And ofcourse the government will be of no help during this disaster because they waste their money and time on shit like Tarsheed. So beware one and all, and be prepared.

Actually, I want to warn you of and prepare you for a disaster even worse than that of a massive quake. It is my duty to save as many of you as I can so I have to tell you that you must be prepared for the worst disaster of all: that’s right, a zombie attack.

Don’t be afraid. You can survive, if you just know what to do. I’ve found a comprehensive guide to help you out:

Zombie Preparedness Initiative

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Everybody knows that God might be a large pasta, but now you can celebrate His noodley appendage with a holy bath:]

 

 

HAKONE, Kanagawa — A “ramen bath” has been opened at Hakone Kowakien Yunessun, a local theme park and hot spa.

The bath, shaped like a ramen bowl, contains pepper-flavored water colored a light, milky brown, to like tonkotsu (pork bone) ramen soup. The special bath was created jointly by the theme park and a famous ramen shop, Nantsuttei in Hadano, Kanagawa Prefecture.

The bath was completed at the unveiling event, with the owner of Nantsuttei adding “noodles” made of bathwater additives into the tub.

The water contains collagen and garlic extracts, and theme park officials claim it can help produce beautiful skin and aid moisture retention.

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What does the FSM say about holy baths?

“Blessed is he that reaches the pool first and the last one in-eth is a rotten eggeth”

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Got 250 Million Euros? Here’s what to do with it:

Buy it!

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Picture Time!:

Here are some things I want:

New Age Kick-Ass CD Player (DMP)

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Leather Dragon Backpack

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Durex Condom – The jeans kind

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And of course- a boy that ties my cat up and vacuums it:

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Now for random pictures:

I really wanna see this movie – Jason Statham is lickable *drool*

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They’re having so much fun – weeeeeeeeeee!

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True

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For Chirp

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This one’s a video GIF- wait for it:

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Lysol and Tapeworms

August 19, 2007

I don’t really feel like typing about anything so let’s just stick with pictures for today.

For Feminine Hygiene

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Get thin quick!

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Remember lemmings?

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Why hello there!….. WTF?!

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What’s odd about this picture?

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Bi-Polar Bear

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And ofcourse…. some C&H

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Facebook

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Ta ta kiddos!

 

 

 

 

 

Ladies and gentleheathens! Step right up to the new edition of The Chronicles of Random. Today we’re going to start off with the wonderful topic of relegion. Specifically, shi-aights! and sunnis.

Let me give you some background on me first so that you know that I am not genetically or environmentally biased to either side. I am a half-blood. That’s right, i said it: I’m half shiite and half sunni.

Shocked? If you aren’t, good. But most typically Kuwaiti people get a confused look on their face and they look at me like some sort of mutant. It’s really funny.

Now, let me clarify, I am technically shiite (because daddykins is). Do I really believe that Shiite are better than Sunnis? Or that one is more true or correct than the other?

Nope: It’s all essentially the same crap. That’s right I said crap. I’m going to hell. I mean please people, do you really think because you pray to God 10 minutes early or late (depending on which side you’re on), that God will smite you? Who are you kidding? God is supposed to be merciful and great and only strikes the wicked. If he is evil and retarded enough to judge me on silly things like a 10 minute lag, how I wear a hijab (and if I wear one at all), how can I respect Him as a great being and pray to him?

Would you pray to a God that is evil and spiteful? I wouldn’t. If you do, well, you’re essentially praying to the devil. You satanist!

The God I pray to is good, kind, merciful, understanding, and knows the core of all of his creatures. And he knows that I am essentially good and caring. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Offended? Good. I want to offend both parties. Because you’re both as retarded as each other- and yet you’re both convinced you’re the best. Do you really think God is going to give you a gold star and put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on your hand for hating your fellow brethren and completely believing you’re the shit because somebody “told you so”. Fuck that!

Now, let me tell you my experience on being Shiite: There’s discrimination (it exists) and some sunni people feeling threatened if you talk about your side of religion (it’s kind of like a negro talking to a polite white supremacist today: it shows that the white supremacist is disturbed by the negro and what he’s saying but he doesn’t want to say anything- atleast not to the negro’s face).

Anyway, there’s a bunch of crappy things that some Shiite people do: i.e. flagellation and self-mutilation. Which is so stupid. And you don’t even have to be Shiite to do that. A bunch of other religious factions believe in faith through pain. So you’re not special. Another thing is, do you really think you’re not bringing anybody back from the dead by creating such a ruckus? I very much doubt Al-Hasan or Al-Husain give a rat’s ass that you’re beating yourselves for them? They’re probably shaking their heads and thinking “idiots”.

On the other hand there are some kick-ass pros to being Shiite rather than being Sunni.

  1. Can get married without your father’s approval
  2. Can inherit all of your parent’s money if you’re an only daughter. As opposed to being Sunni, where you’re male cousins get their grubby hands on some of the moola.
  3. You can watch people be buried and go to the cemetery, even if you’re a girl. My understanding is in the Sunni cemetery (separate cemeteries- how fucked up), if you’re a girl, you can’t go in – or you can only go on specific days.

So basically, being Shiite is better for you (in terms of rights), if you’re a girl.

Anyway, I want to know what you all think about the whole Shi3a, Sunna thing, or if you even think about it at all. Comments people! Comments!

PS: I wasn’t raised a shii3i or sunni: Actually, funny story- as a kid, whenever I heard people say shii3i or sunni I always thought it was a soccer team like qadsawi or 3arbawi. Seriously! I never new there were two Islamic factions until I was way older. So then how was I raised, as in what was I raised to be?

Simple: I was raised to be a good person. Which is more than I can say for alot of people out there.

Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Just be a good person. That’s what God wants you to be.

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On a lighter note: PICTURE TIME! And they’re of animals. Yay!!!!!!!!

Alpaca

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Angora Rabbit- fuzzzzzzzzzzzzzy!

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Axolotl

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Aye Aye

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Blobfish

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Dumbo Octopus

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Emperor Tamarin – Loving the beard!

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Frill-NeckedLizard- Like the one in Jurassic Park!

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Hagfish

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Komondor Dog- He’s jumping.

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Narwhal

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Proboscis Monkey

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Red Panda

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Star-Nosed Mole

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Sucker-Footed Bat

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Sunbear-AKA Dogbear

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Tapir

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Tarsier

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White-Faced Saki Monkey

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Yeti Crab

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I was on the phone with Tooomz and from that conversation comes the quote of the day:

Me: Why aren’t you listening to me?

Tooomz: “I’m reading about the troubles of Britney Spears”

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Note: Flippy died. And I’m really really sad. I feel guilty. He seemed to be getting better. So I didn’t take him to the vet. I should have taken him to the vet. :( *sob*

I’d hit that….

August 15, 2007

Its amazing how people can change with a good haircut. For example, Milo Ventimiglia (the man-nurse that absorbs people’s powers in Heroes). I first saw him in Gilmore Girls (which sucks as a show BTW). He looked crappy. Kinda gay. In Heroes he looked a little better (more mature ‘n’ crap) but he still had that gay emo haircut that made him look like ickypoo.

Other people thought he was hot. My thought was “Yeah, I’d hit that….with a stick”. But now that he’s gotten a haircut he looks pretty damn good. Now, I’d hit that. PERIOD.

BEFORE

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AFTER

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Yummy! Now, ofcourse you all have to get some kind of lesson out of this. So what’s today’s lesson? Well, today’s lesson is in etymology. We will be exploring the phrase “I’d hit that”, which I just used above.

As you all probably know: it is phrase, commonly used by males, meaning “I would like to have sex with that person”.

What you probably don’t know, which I didn’t know until a second ago is:

 

The phrase “I’d hit that” has now come to refer to an individual’s stated desire to perform sexual relations with a (typically McDonald’s) hamburger.

Background: An unfortunate McDonald’s advertising campaign, circa early 2005, developed under the assumption that the use of urban lexicon might appeal to a previously underrepresented demographic, i.e., the burger-fetishists.

“Double Cheeseburger? I’d hit it. I’m a Dollar Menu guy.”

I got that from the Urban Dictionary BTW.

My reaction to that is: REALLY? People have sex with McDonald’s hamburgers? Damn! I mean, why a hamburger? Why not a McDonald’s Apple Pie or their new salads? I just don’t get it. And would they talk dirty to it? “Yeah baby, I’m gonna do you better than any grill you’ve ever been on!” Loool. And towards the end he’d go “Get ready baby. I’m ketchuping! I’m KETCHUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGG! UUUUUUUUUGGHHHH!!”

Loooooool….. that is so disgusting! It’s so sick and disgusting that it’s freaking hilarious!
There is a possibility that that whole sex with hamburgers definition isn’t even true, but I’d better stop saying it, just in case. I don’t want people thinking I have sex with McDonald’s hamburgers. I mean if I’m going to have sex with any hamburger it’s going to be with the one at Gaucho. Why? Because everybody knows; Argentinian meat is bigger and better!

Damn, I’m on a roll today! All of you are probably completely grossed out by now, which is a plus for me. I love messing with people. Calm down now. You at least learnt something new today, right? Yeah, you did. So be grateful bitches!

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Let’s switch to another topic: Hoverboards.

I’ve always wanted a hoverboard, not since Back to the Future, but since The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest. Those hoverboards were kick-ass! And guess what?

“Professor Ulf Leonhardt and Dr Thomas Philbin, from the University of St Andrews in Scotland found a way to reverse the Casimir effect, making it repel instead of attract. Soon frictionless nanomachines will having moving parts below your feet to propel you as far away from Biff as your heart desires.”

That’s right! Hoverboards-Coming soon!!!! For more info check out:

BustAChange

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Man, there are so many good things to post about, but I don’t want to overwhelm you, so: Its time for pictures!

 

Here piggy piggy! Suuuuuuweeee!

(The resemblance is striking)

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Actual Sign

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Oh Shit! Ouuuuuuchhhh!

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So true….

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PS: Do you guys think the font is too small? I do. How do I change it? Tekmology is komplimicated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Semi-Normalcy

August 14, 2007

I’m back to being semi-normal. I was just having a shitty day yesterday. Anyway, I’m back.

I’m sorta busy today so lets go straight to the funny stuff:

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This next one is for Chirp and Tooomz:

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And this last one has to do with the pillowig that I posted about a little bit ago (which was basically a pillow you could wear like a hat). And Skunk said “if you did a local pillowig,….you could have a whole sleeping bag attached to a burqa! ka-fucking-ching!”

Well Skunk, it turns out ka-fucking-ching indeed! Check-out what I found was aready invented and on sale:

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Isn’t that completely kick-ass? I soooo need to get one. Finally! I’m going to be the coolest chick on the block when I wear this!

Eh…. Whatever

August 13, 2007

I’m kinda feeling down today… its a long story…. and not one for today. *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh*

So to cheer myself up I’ve been looking at retarded comics. But I don’t think that’s enough…. I need to go to Marina and watch some geezy guy get kicked in the balls for ta7arashing with the wrong girl. But chances are that’s not going to happen.

Just thinking about it maybe happening makes me a little bit happier. *grin*

Anyway here:

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Flippy

August 12, 2007

Hullo! Hullo!

I’m back to the drudgery I have concluded is masked unemployment. And so I’m back to trying to entertain myself by entertaining you all.

First, let’s talk about “No woman, No cry”. Now, as you all know, or you should know: Bob Marley was a divine prophet who’s songs are complex. He spoke mostly of love, peace, Rastafari (everything from Jah to Zion), struggle against oppression, and ofcourse the Lord’s good herb.

The meanings of his songs are disputed. But here’s pretty much what I think “No woman, no cry” means: It’s a song about the hard life in the ghetto and the struggle therein. And “No woman, no cry” means to me that no woman in the ghetto should be sad and cry. Or he could be telling one specific woman not to cry (his wife Rita). Another viable possibility is that the woman is the Queen of England and Bob was saying if she (ie. the British) wasn’t there would be no suffering. The only reason I say this is because alot of Bob’s songs are political on a level. But I think that in the context of this song the first two explanations are more suitable.

But it doesn’t mean that you’re better off not having a woman.

Anyway, the reason I was asking was because a friend and I were debating people’s thoughts on the song so I thought I’d get your input. Thanks y’all because I won the argument! Yay! Free beers all around!

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Anyway, I want you suggestion on something else… The other day I was going into my house when I saw this poor bird/pigeon flipping and rolling around in the garden. Now this wasn’t the La-Di-Da “let’s frolic and romp in the grass” type of flipping, there was something wrong with this bird. So of course I had to rescue it. The poor thing can’t eat or drink itself and so I have to hand feed it (which is really time-consuming, this thing as a really tiny beak).
Anyway, I’ve decided to call the bird Flippy unless you can suggest a better name. So can you? Can you?!

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Here’s something funny for you:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch.”

Prophet’s life lesson of the day:

Don’t Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant

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Now, I’ve always been a thinker and a philosopher. Now that I’ve graduated from college, I’ve been thinking more and more about the meaning of my life and what I’m supposed to do with it. I try to lead a full, peaceful life and yet I have this aching fear within me. It’s a fear I can’t quite put my finger on. I figured out what part of my fear is thanks to the brief flash video: Life and Music.

http://www.coldhardflash.com/2007/07/flash-animated-philosophy-from-south.html

And so I’ve discovered that I’m terrified going to miss the music because of all of the “should”s and “cant”s that are imposed on, and weighing down, upon me. *deep sigh*

I know, I know, I’m so deep. Anyway, the other philosophy flash film I like is “I”:

http://www.freshminds.com/animation/alan_watts_i.html

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R. Kelly statue?

On a lighter note: I saw The Simpsons movie and The Bourne Ultimatum this weekend. I would recommend both. And with that I’m off, until tomorrow my white-out sniffing readers (I know you do it)!

Spiderpig, spiderpig…………

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Bonjourno!!! Imamario annaimagonnaweeeeeena!

Sorry, I just have to immitate Mario whenever there’s anything italian said. I guess that’s what I get for being raised by the NES, SNES and all the other kick-ass nintendo consoles.

Anyway, I just found out that tomorrow is a holiday. Yaayy! I thought it was still Tuesday. My memory sucks but this time it wasn’t about my memory. I was tricked! You know when you take birthcontrol pills they have the days of the week on them? Well they do! Retard. Anyway, I sometimes forget to take one, so when I come to take it the next day I take the one of the day before. So I end up thinking I’m a day behind. Get it?

Yeah, yeah, I take birthcontrol. I hope you people reading aren’t one of the retards that think birthcontrol pills are only for contraception. Well, if you are all I can say is TIMMY! Actually, I can say more than that ( I have to assume that some of you reading this are ignorant and need to see the light):

  1. The pill can be used by virgins
  2. The pill is hormonal medication
  3. Birthcontrol does not reduce your chances of conceiving

The reason I’m even bothering to discuss this is because most of Kuwait is COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RETARDED when it comes to such topics. I came to this conclusion following several experiences, the most relevant being:

I went to doctor to treat my hormonal dysfunction and he ordered an ultrasound. So I go in to get the ultrasound and the radiology guy or whatever starts asking questions like last menstrual peroid, are you married, and what meds are you on?

Me: I’m not married

Him: Ok cool—(he didn’t actually say cool)

Me: I’m on birthcontrol….etc

Him: Birthcontrol? Wait. What? I thought you said you weren’t married? *checks his notes*

Me: I’m not married.

*puzzled look on his face*

Me: I take it to treat my hormonal dysfunction.

Him: OOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooohhhhhh…. ok! Why’d you say birthcontrol?! Don’t ever say it’s birthcontrol, call it “medication for the treatment of hormones”. It’s better.

Me: Ummmmm… okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay……?

In my mind though I was “WTF? You’re supposed to be a freaking medical professional! It is fucking birthcontrol! I’m not going to call it something else, well, atleast I shouldn’t have to to you! Your supposed to be a doctor-or atleast something like one. I swear, fucking fucked retards. And as a result of this unnecessary judgement there are girls that don’t take the meds that they should be taking because they don’t want people knowing they’re on “birthcontrol”.

And to continue this education on birthcontrol: Birthcontrol doesn’t make you less fertile. 1 in 3 couples have a hard time conceiving. Once people have a hard time having a baby they automatically say “oh it’s because she took birthcontrol, had a cat when she was 6, and eats tofu”. Uuuuuuummmm no it isn’t retard. The other people that can have babies did that shit too and they reproduce like rabbits. You’re just an unlucky statistic. If anything taking meds to fix hormonal problems now will increase your chances of conception in the future.

Okay? Get it? Got it? Good.

Let’s move on: I need to ask y’all something. You know the song “No woman, no cry” by Bob Marley? Ok. If you do, go to the comment box right now and tell me what you think that line means “No woman, no cry”. Don’t listen to the song again, just tell me quickly what you think it means. If you don’t know the song, download it and listen to it just once and then tell me what you think “No woman, no cry” means. Don’t cheat, and research it and shit. The whole question is about your preception of the words. Comment! I command you!

Alright, I know too many words…. your mind is melting and getting numb. So now its picture time! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

The pictures below are from worth1000.com and the title is: “The Last Picture You’ll Ever Take”- and basically ‘the last thing you’ll see before you die’:

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Alright bambinos! It’s time for us to part once again! I’m off to enjoy my long-weekend! For those of you without a long-weekend: I’m really sorry because…. it sucks to be you!!!! Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Your hairdresser

August 7, 2007

Ola chicos and chicas! Welcome back to another edition of The Prophet’s Life Lessons. Today’s lesson: Make sure you really know who your marrying, cuz some people is fucked up!

My crew here at work keep me updated on Kuwait’s happenings, I wouldn’t really know otherwise because I don’t concern myself with such things. Anyway, today’s newest piece of gossip is that a top surgeon from a “good” family here in Kuwait recently married a Tunisian hairdresser. Ok, cool, not too scandalous. Who cares? The bitch slap in it is that he’s already married and he got to know the hairdresser because she’d come and do his wife’s hair at their home…….. oh snap!

I’d be feeling pretty pissed if I were this guy’s wife. I mean, my fucking hairdresser? You see ladies? That’s why I’m not going to marry a Kuwaiti man*. They fuck our maids and marry our hairdressers. I mean if I were going to do something like have an affair or marry somebody else I’d screw a hot Italian man and marry a part-royal British millionaire. You try to get something better than what you have, you climb up the ladder not down, I guess some people just lack common logic.

I mean really, what would you think if a kuwait girl came up to you and said she slept with her driver and married the shawarma guy at Badr il Budoor**. You wouldn’t go “You go girl! Gimme five!”. Atleast I wouldn’t.

I’m not trying to to say Kuwaiti women are any better. They’re just as messed up. For example, yesterday I went power-walking in Muhalab (I’m trying to become healthy and shit). Now, I’ve got to let you know that I’ve gone to Muhalab maybe 5 times in my life and its always been at night and two of those times is was just to jog around the top floor. I went yesterday, at around 3.20 so I managed to make “prostitution time”.

The girls from the college of business studies go to muhalab and flirt and sometimes leave with these random 3agad guys. And all these girls are munaqab, wearing a fitted (seriously fitted) 3abayat and tons of make up. The niqab isn’t a problem (the girl shows the guy her face if she’s interested in him—saw it myself). And they walk around in groups and shit and talk to any random 3agady guy (who’s obviously there to ta3arraf). These girls are some serious hos. And apparently, alot of the girls wear only lingerie under their 3abayat (so they’re ready when they need to get it on). Also notice that there are probably 6 lingerie shops in muhalab (because of the concentration of hos).

And the guys are no better. They’re 3gadi skinny-ass, mufasal dishdasha bastards. They do things like walk around in pairs trying to talk up girls while holding hands (as in the two guys are holding hands. Uuuuuuggggggggghhhhhh! *shudder*)

So what’s the point?: Make sure to know who the hell you marry because if you don’t he may end up being the type of person that marries your hairdresser, or you wife might end up giving you the clap because she used to be one of the Muhalab hos. You just never know these days.

*Kuwaiti girls are no better
**Its okay if you marry somebody from Badr Al-Budoor because they have the best kabab sandwiches!

+++ I would write more on this topic but it’s time to go home and you guys don’t pay me enough to stay overtime. Wait… now that I think of it, you pay me nothing! Hmmmmphh! I’m leaving!

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It’s sexy time!

August 6, 2007

All right kiddos, as promised, today’s post will be about sex and all that other good stuff.

First of all for those of you who don’t know what sex is: When a man and a woman fall in love something special happens……  Screw that! If you don’t know what sex is you shouldn’t even be using the internet! It’s full of porn pop-ups! Turn off your computer quickly, before you lose your mental virginity!

But no seriously, the reason I have decided to discuss this topic today is because I’ve been reading up on some diseases that you can get by just kissing people or sharing a drink. And I’ve, ahem, shared some drinks with people every now and then. Luckily, I’m clean as a whistle. Some people I know aren’t as lucky. So what can you get from innocent friendliness?

1. Mononucleosis: “The kissing disease”

Its basically like you have a really bad flu. Fever, extreme fatigue, weakness, sore throat and other good stuff.  The bastardly thing about this disease is that the fatigue is really bad and lasts about 2 months. And the the virus that causes this disease can hibernate in your body indefinitely, resurfacing at a later time. So once you have it you have the potential to give it to anybody….. hmmmm…. now that I think of it sounds kinda cool; my own personal biological weapon. If I was a mono carrier, I’d make out with people I didn’t like. Which would really suck for me, but it would be worse for them later on.

And oh yeah,  you think only hos and sluts get this disease? Wrong. Those wonderful slobbering things called babies also can carry the disease and infect you. Damn you baby hos! Damn you!!!

2. The mumps:

Do you remember the vaccine we took as kids? The MMR. Well, one of those Ms stands for mumps. Mumps is not that much fun to have. Why? Well, here’s why:

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Painful swelling of the salivary glands- and sometimes testes, ouch!

3. Herpes:

Now you’ve all heard of herpes, I’m sure. Herpes is really gross. I mean  google the photos. Even I thought they were nasty and shouldn’t put them up. And that says alot. You can get herpes by kissing somebody on their lips (or their naughty palce *giggle*) and ofcourse sex. Heres’s one of the more acceptable pictures:

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Ho eyes.

Some more facts about herpes is that those cold sore you get on your mouth? They’re a form of herpes (but most everybody gets those at one point and they go away on their own). Also, cats have they’re own form of herpes that they can transmit to other cats.

I was considering allowing my cat to have one night of wild animal sex with boredq80’s cat before I get him fixed. But now that I know about feline herpes, I’m reconsidering it. Sorry boredq80, but your cat looks promiscuous. I want to have my cats balls removed, not have them fall off because he had sex with some skanky cat. Sorry, boredq80. Lol

Anyway, enough about kissing lets move on to sex. Let me tell you what I think of sex:

Sex should be fun. Sex can be good exercise. Sex is probably a good anti-depressant. Unsafe sex can also give you tons of diseases- I won’t even bother getting into that. Now people constantly ask me if I’d had sex, and the answer is no. Why? Well, if I wasn’t kuwaiti I probably would have had sex by now, but I’m expected to be a virgin here. And yet, its not even about that; I mean seriously, fuck kuwaiti expectations. If I listen to that shit I’d be married with 5 kids by now.

And to me its not about morality. I don’t think non-married non-virigins are immoral or hos. Bitches can do whatever they want. Sooooo….. the question still remains: “Why am I a virgin?” and the answer is simply PUSSY CONTROL. That’s right. Just like Prince said; I’m gonna get bank in my pocket before I get dick in my drawers.

Really, that song is an anthem that all the stupid retarded marina-man hunting bitches should listen to. Really, to me those girls are no better than chickenhead hoodrats waiting on the corner in the ghetto.

Well, to sum up todays post: avoid making out and having sex with people, and if you don’t makeout out with people thinking you’re safe, you’re not. You’ll probably catch crap by playing with some baby. And I, personally, would prefer to get mono by playing tonsil-hockey with Brad Pitt rather than get it playing “this little piggy” with little cousin Jimmy.

 STAY SAFE AND PEACE OUT!

 PS: I forgot to tell you, when you get disease like the above you’re also more likely to get meningitis and encephalitis (swelling of the brain and its membranes). NASTY!

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Rehab

August 5, 2007

First of all, thanks to all of you for your birthday wishes.

Secondly….

My birthday weekend is officially over. And it was kinda crazy. I don’t think I can go into details but lets just say it was fun and strewn with delicious legal as well as not-so legal substances.

I got a total of six cakes over the three days that I celebrated. I don’t like sweet things so I tried three of them. By far, the best looking one was one that a friend got me in the shape of Ali G. (Thanks friend).

Good times…good times. But now I’m thinking its time for rehab. But rehab is for quitters and my mama told me “Don’t be a quitter”. So I’m hesitating.

I have the full intention of reducing my bad habits. But then again I just can’t say no. Well, we’ll see how well I do.

I really wanna quit my job and do something ridiculously silly and fun like these guys:

http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/youcangetarrestedforthat/index.html

Something else I’d like to do is write a book of incorrect etymology. You know like San Diego means whale’s vagina. Oh c’mon you remember it, from Anchorman:

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there’s no way that’s correct.
Ron Burgundy: I’m sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don’t know what it means. I’ll be honest, I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that’s – that’s what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.”

Man, I love that movie! Anyway, just compose a whole book of untrue definitions and roots of words.

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Anyway, I’ve gotta go you guys. I’m tired and my head hurts. In other words I have a ________.

 

PS: To remind myself, and for you to unnecessarily anticipate, I think tomorrow’s post will be about sex, virginity, affairs, and the like -oooh scandalous. And to help you look forward to it:

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Under the Sea

August 2, 2007

Its my birthday bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay! I’ve now officially turned the sweet and tender age of 23. I know I can’t go as crazy here as I could in the States but I still think I’m going to have a good time.

Anyway, as I was sitting here at work, with my ipod, reminiscing about the past when an old school song started to play:

” The seaweed is always greener
In somebody else’s lake
You dream about going up there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor
Such wonderful things surround you
What more is you lookin’ for?

Under the sea
Under the sea
Darling it’s better
Down where it’s wetter
Take it from me
Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away
While we devotin’
Full time to floatin’
Under the sea”

…………….

I am NOT A DORK. Disney music is cool! Anyway, that song used to help me appreciate what I have (you know, the seaweed seems greener in someone else’s lake but what you have is actually just as green). Anyway, I used to believe that its better down where its wetter until I saw the pictures below.

Enjoy viewing some of the creepiest deep sea creatures:

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Blobfish

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Blue-Ringed Octopus: It’s fatally venomous to humans and they don’t have and antidote yet.

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Chimera

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Colossal Squid: The name says it all

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Dana Octopus Squid: It emits flashes of light to disorient its prey

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Dragonfish: Creepy

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Fangtooth: Imagine this thing chomping into your arm

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Firefly squid

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Handfish: I think its kinda cute. I wanna eat it.

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Lizardfish

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Megamouth Shark: This motherfucker could swallow you whole

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Oarfish: Yeah, its long. I have decided to invent a new pick up line dedicated to this creature: “Hey baby, you wanna so swimming? I’ll let you play with my oarfish *guy points to crotch*”

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Ocean Sunfish

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Pelican Eel: You see that squid? It was eaten by the eel. Don’t ask me how.

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Rattail: That is one scary mouth

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Sea Cucumber

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Searobin

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Viperfish: With teeth like large needles-ouch!

I don’t even know what these next ones are, if our resident marine biologist (Alia) is reading this, maybe you can help.

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I would call it: Penis-head shark

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I would like to call this one Mendoza

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?

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Gohjilla! Gohjilla! (Godzilla in Japanese)

 

Thats all for today booboos! I have to go, I’m planning to escape work early today so I can prepare for the massive partying tonight. Cheerio!