July 31, 2007
I actually had some work to do today so this isn’t going to be the most entertaining post ever, because it’s almost hometime. Yayyy!
Sorry for not posting the pics I promised to post yet. I’ve kinda been busy, you know planning my birthday and crap. What am I talking about? I don’t have to apologize to you! This is my website! Mine, y’hear? I’ll do as I like!
To update you on the work situation: I’ve decided to attempt a hostile takeover. I requested that a computer be set up in the conference room here, without my boss’ permission. That’s right; I live on the wild side…rawr!
I’m going to reside in the conference room until my boss comes back and then I’ll show him! *rubbing hands together maniacally* Muhahahahaha!!! They’ll never get me out of there! Never! Nevaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Anyway, I was talking to a co-worker today about random social issues (the specific topic was killing people who turn from islam- irtad). Anyway, we somehow reached the topic of sexual harrasment. And she told me that if you’re 18, or under, and female if you complain to the cops that a guy did “something” to you they can force him to marry you. If you, or someone else, has proof that he was with you alone with you, thats all you need.
How come I didn’t know about this when I was 18? So many possibilties….. I would do it to a rich guy I really hated. The bastard would have to marry me, I would refuse to sleep with him, he’d cheat on me, I’d videotape it, take it to the judge, get a divorce, make the bastard pay me for the rest of his life.
Apparently, girls have actually done this before. The reason they did it is so that people would see that they got a “good husbad”. A better word than got is trapped a “good husband”.
Why would I do it?
- To ruin his life
- Bitches gotsta get paid!
- For fun
I would probably have to do it earlier than 18 though. I wouldn’t want it to interefer in me getting my college education. I would need enough time for action to be taken by the police, the marriage to take place, him to cheat, and the courts to approve my divorce. To be on the safe side, I’d say I’d have to be around….. let’s see…. fourteen. I think with some help I could have pulled that off at 14.
If you’re around fourteen and reading this; you know what to do.
You see? My blog is beneficial and educational for the young and old.
For you men out there that think 14 year-old are to young to understand shit, beware. 14 year olds are capable of alot. Just look at what happened to R. Kelly. -For those of you who don’t know, R. Kelly
fucked (made love to) and peed on a 14 year old.
Despite what the law says, and as Dave Chapelle says, a 14 year old knows whether or not they want to be peed on. I knew at 14 that I didn’t want to be peed on. My mother didn’t even have to tell me “Baby, don’t let people piss on you”.
If somebody was going to piss on me I wouldn’t sit there and think to myself “I dunno how I feel about this, I need a minute”. Fuck that! If somebody is trying to piss on you, you dodge that shit! I knew that at 14.
So to sum up: If you’re 14 don’t let a man fuck you or piss on you. Just play it smart and get paid!
If you’re a guy who messes with underage girls, don’t think that they’re innocent and shit because next thing you know you’ll be walking down the street with your 14 year-old bride and people will say “Shit, you got owned!”
*** If you don’t know, the base of my R.Kelly thoughts are from Dave Chapelle’s comedy. Hail Chapelle!
July 30, 2007
Alot of people are asking me what I want for my birthday. I’ve made a decision…. I want a pillowig. That’s right a pillowig:
Why a pillowig? Because sleeping is the most important activity, by far, that I do. And to be able to do it whenever, wherever is perfection. I would be the happiest person if I had a pillowig. I would wear it all the time. I would dance and play in it, like below:
Or maybe some action jeans. So I don’t rip my pants when I drop kick my boss:
Some other things I saw on the internet and thought would be interesting to have are this machinegun shaped violin (so I could freak people out into thinking that I was going to shoot them and instead play Three Blind Mice on my awesome violin):
Or these baby-hand shaped soap (also so that I could freak people out- because the soaps are just freaky):
That’s all for today kids! Tune in again tomorrow!
July 29, 2007
Hullo hullo! I’m back!
Now, now, I know, I’ve been off for two weeks instead of one. Despite popular belief, I didn’t pull a Dave Chapelle (convert to Islam and go to Africa). Nor did I die because of a puss-oozing infection in my nose. Don’t worry kids, Jah live!
Anyway, it’s update time!
Surgery: the surgery went well. No pain, lots of juicy blood. And a cup filled with pieces of my nose (all relevant pictures will be posted soon). I ended up taking two weeks off instead of one (you may have noticed that). I spent those two weeks sleeping and watching tv. I don’t use the internet while I’m at home. I have no idea why. Actually, I do. My house is cursed. If you step into it, you will do NOTHING. Seriously, my house just sucks the life out of you. But my house is another story for another time.
Cake: I have to tell y’all that I had a farewell gathering for a friend of mine that went off to finish his studies and I got THE MOST KICK-ASS CAKE! I got it from La Gourmet. It’s a specialty cake (pictures to be posted soon).
Pussy: I shaved my pussy yesterday (again, for you dirty-minded people I mean the one that meows and actually comes when you tell it to- get it? Comes when you tell it to? Lool… ahem..anyway). My retarded cat has been shedding like a motherfucker and with my nose and allergies, I just couldn’t have that- so I took him to the International Vet Hospital in Wafra and had him shaved. God damn! He looks like a freak now! I decided to have his entire body shaved with the exception of his head and a tuft at the end of his tail. Everybody in my house hates me now. My mom says he looks like a ratty-ass street cat. My dad keeps looking at the cat in disgust while shaking his head and saying to me “allah iy-sam7itch”. My younger brother can’t stop laughing when he sees the cat. My older brother refuses to touch the cat claiming that he looks like a naked man. And that watching the cat lick himself is like watching porn. The thing you need to understand about my cat is that he was so furry you couldn’t really see his body before. But now, you can see him in all his blazing glory (ie. his balls are VERY prominent).
Loool… man, my cat is a riot. Oh, how I love him so! That’s not all, I want to put some henna on him. Just on the tip of his tail and a small mohawk on the top of his head. Don’t worry, he’s fine with what’s going on. I thought that shaving him would make him all depressed and shit but it didn’t. He became playful like a weight was lifted from him. Another thing that you have to know, is that though my cat is cool, he has his retarded moments. For example, we have an elevator at home, and my cat took it upon himself to try to go in when the door was closing and almost shut. Needless to say, I was looking at a cat sandwich in an elevator-door bun. That’s right, my retarded cat got his head stuck in the elevator. Poor bastard.
Anyway, I’m back at a work now. So I’ll be blogging again. Everybody is out on vacation so there’s even less work to do here. That means the amount of work I have to do actually went down from 2 to -15.
Anyway, I’ll post the pictures soon (I promise). Don’t worry we have many long summer days ahead of us. By the time the summer’s done pictures will be coming out of your nose.
Oooh oooh! My birthday is this Thursday. I still don’t know how I’m going to celebrate. I’m thinking it would be a perfect time to henna the cat…..
July 12, 2007
Ahhhh Thursday! The last day of my work week. I was soooo looking forward to this weekend, I thought that I should majorly party it up before I get sliced open on Sunday. But upon review, that’s probably a bad idea. Partying like crazy will probably just make me sicker and probably won’t mix well with general anasthetic. *Sigh* I’m so considerate of myself *hug self*.
Anyway, today’s post is the last until after my week’s rest. I was wondering what I could possibly do to help the time pass, then it came to me: Do-It-Yourself projects. Here’s one of my favorites- The hand turkey:
You Will Need:
Felt markers or crayons,
a parent’s permission.
1: Place your hand flat on a sheet of construction paper.
2: Cut your hand off with the blunt scissors. The faster you go, the less it will hurt!
3: Cauterize your stump on an electric burner. Ask your parents for help.
4: Decorate the hand to look like a turkey with the markers, paper and sticky-tape. Gobble-gobble!
5: Hang your turkey on the front door with nails or a staple gun.
Wasn’t that an interesting and creative project kids? I didn’t come up with that project though, The Onion did. I haven’t really invented anything worthwhile yet. There are some really wierd inventions out there-for example:
Anyone who wears glasses knows that the earpiece that holds your glasses to your head can be annoying and on a bad day, cause headaches. The earpieces have to be tight enough to hold your glasses on and loose enough to be comfortable. And, it can be tricky finding this happy medium. So our fearless inventor discovered a new way to hang eye glasses on your face, by using body piercing studs. That’s right… pierce your face, hang your glasses!
Blow it up. Wear it. Get towed in it. Surf in it. Roll in it. Do face plants in it. The Sumo Tube!!!
As the inventor says, “The Nose Pouch is the best new innovation in handkerchiefs since the Dark Ages.” Wow, bold indeed! This new generation of handkerchief is designed to contain your excessive nasal discharge in its handy little pouch. Nasty!!!
Do you need protection from bio-chemical terrorists attacks? How about natural disasters? Kidnappers and stalkers? Or would you just feel safer sleeping in a bulletproof bed? If you answered yes to any of the aforementioned questions, you need the oh-so-versatile Quantum Sleeper. Not for the claustrophobic or light of check book, this $160,000 coffin-esque “saferoom” does not include the optional microwave, fridge or entertainment center.
Wow, I sooooo need that bed. I could sleep with a guy and if he tries to escape in the morning I could lock him in and listen to him scream. Ahhh… The good times that I could have…..
I gtg kids, the workday is done. I know this is short post, but I was actually busy today and didn’t have much time to post so: TOUGH TOMATOES!
Ta ta, cheerio! See you next next week!
July 11, 2007
I woke up nice and early today, and i’m actually feeling pretty good. I think that this would be a good time to confess somethings about myself.
- I’ve eaten the stem of a tulip. I was just curious what it would taste like, it tastes exactly like celery
- I used to chew tissues when I was a kid (they were clean tissues). I have a hyperactive salivatory gland and thats how I would control it.
- I lick people. I’ve discovered, over the years, that digust is the most effective weapon. Like when I would fight over the remote with my one of my brothers or sisters, licking their hand or just opening my mouth and let the saliva seep onto their hands was highly effective in getting them to let go. Most recently I licked the side of my brother’s face. Let’s just say he got REALLY pissed. Loool. I’m so powerful. Downside to licking= bad taste and stubble burn (if you’re licking a guy’s face). Summary: If all else fails try licking somebody to get what you want.
You guys should feel blessed that I’m sharing my life’s lessons with you. This is great, valuable information your parents won’t tell you.
Since I’m feeling good right now, today’s post won’t contain anything morbid or tragic. We’ll start out with cute animal pictures. They’re so fuzzy-wuzzy-cuddly-wuddly… ahem:
Okay so that last one was ugly. Poor dog’s called Sam and he’s the world’s ugliest dog (poor bastard). This next picture (and the article below) is for the guys:
I know, ladies, I know. If your husbad is to be staring at other women’s breasts what are you going to do? Well, I’ll tell you what: Make sure that he lives those extra 4-5 years in poverty. This next picture is for the ladies:
It doesn’t matter whether you are a man or a woman, we’ve all been bred from the same dirt. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a man or a woman, we all loved our mother’s milk, and now you can love it again!:
That’s right, mother’s milk in a carton! Yuuuuuuuuuummmmmm! They sell this stuff in Japan. I wonder what the factory looks like. Hmmmmmm…… or maybe you can work from home. If I was supplying them with the milk I’d just ask to work from home with a bucket and I’d just milk myself and send it to the factory at the end of the day. That would be an awesome job! I’d get to stay at home and essentially play with myself.
You know when you think about how life would be if you were something else, like a dog, for example. Well, I’ve decided that one of the last things I’d want to be is a cactus. Why?
Cacti are so misunderstood. Word.
July 10, 2007
“The principle of individual freedom linked to social responsibility lies at the heart of our democracy. As an adult and responsible member of society I absolutely assert my right to take any mind-altering substance, be that ecstasy, alcohol, heroin, tobacco or cannabis. No one, least of all the state, has the right to tell me otherwise”
I completely agree. Governments, except for the benevolent dictatorship I intend to establish, are evil. Only my God and and I decide whats wrong for me (since I’m not harming anybody). I should be able to but as much Sudafed as I want without having the pharmacist call the cop because he thinks I’m going to make meth with it.
Everybody is addicted to something. It could be tobacco, cannabis, alcohol, caffiene, love, exercise, attention or anything. Anything in excess is bad for you, but just enough makes you feel so damn good. What you’re addicted to is feeling good. And what’s wrong with that? In a world where things are and feel so bad sometimes, why can’t you try to make yourself feel good? The government shouldn’t have the authority to tell you you can’t feel good (as long as you aren’t hurting people). It’s like they’re telling you you can’t masturbate, or can’t blow bubbles with your bubblegum. Its wrong to tell people that they can’t do things that make them feel good.
Anyway, I want to start a page dedicated to drugs and such. Life is just huge chemical reaction. and I think we should learn about the chemicals that might be involved in this reaction. I’ll try to post the page, as soon as I feel like it and as soon as I figure out how. Teknolodjy is hard.
Anyways, I ordered Blackadder Yes, Primeminister and some other DVDs to help me get thru next week (post-surgery). I expect well-wishers armed with painkillers to visit me at home and dote on me. I’ve been trying to think of ways to occupy myself while I’m at home. I appreciate any suggestions. Here’s what I’ve come up wih so far:
Shave my cat(my dad won’t let me)
Dye my cat blue- with blue kool-aid and vinegar.
Apply to gradschool (productive but boring)
Work on my tan(the doctor said no sun exposure)
Discover a something new to sleep to. The best things to sleep to so far are:
The America’s Cup
That’s what I’ve thought of so far. Whatever I do though can’t raise my blood pressure and dilate my blood vessels otherwise I’ll start bleeding all over then place = shweet!
Has anybody seen the new transformers movie? Lemme know how it was.
Here’s some silliness to end this post:
It’s important to keep yourself edumacated. So today we’re going to start off with a grammar lesson.
“Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo” is a grammatically correct sentence used as an example of how homonyms and homophones can be used to create complicated constructs. It has been discussed in the literature since 1972 when the sentence was used by William J. Rapaport, currently an associate professor at the University at Buffalo. It was posted to Linguist List by Rapaport in 1992. It was also featured in Steven Pinker’s 1994 book The Language Instinct. Sentences of this type, although not in such a refined form, have been known for a long time. A classic example is the proverb “Don’t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you”.
The sentence is unpunctuated and uses three different readings of the word “buffalo”. In order of their first use, these are
- c. The city of Buffalo, New York;
- a. The animal buffalo, in the plural (equivalent to “buffaloes”), in order to avoid articles;
- v. The verb “buffalo” meaning to bully, confuse, deceive, or intimidate.
Marking each “buffalo” with its use as shown above gives
- Buffaloc buffaloa Buffaloc buffaloa buffalov buffalov Buffaloc buffaloa.
Thus, the sentence when parsed reads as a description of the pecking order in the social hierarchy of buffaloes living in Buffalo:
- [Those] (Buffalo buffalo) [that] (Buffalo buffalo buffalo) buffalo (Buffalo buffalo).
- [Those] buffalo(es) from Buffalo [that are intimidated by] buffalo(es) from Buffalo intimidate buffalo(es) from Buffalo.
- Bison from upstate New York who are intimidated by other bison in their community also happen to intimidate other bison in their community.
It may be revealing to read the sentence replacing all instances of the animal buffalo with “people” and the verb buffalo with “intimidate”. The sentence then reads
- “Buffalo people [that] Buffalo people intimidate [also happen to] intimidate Buffalo people.”
Did you get that?
My brain hurts.
Now to something that requires a little less brain power. Pictures! the dog below has a genetic defect that makes it have a huge amount of muscle mass… scary:
The cat below was voted the world’s ugliest cat (poor thing):
If fire were water:
Cool pictures, eh? Unfortunately, I’ m not going to be posting anything new next week. I’m going to be getting surgery this coming Sunday and the doctor said I’m going to be coughing up blood for a while. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! So I’m taking a week off of work.
The funny thing is that I prefer to be coughing up blood for a few days rather than coming to work and stewing in boredom. BTW, I need something good to watch while I’m on the couch (I can’t even smoke *sob*). I’m almost done with the first season of Heroes. What else is good? Nobody say Grey’s Anatomy (or I’ll shoot you) I want good, solid, non-gay series. Recommend something unexpected. Like Black Adder or Yes, Prime Minister, something different.
Anyway, to finish off this post. Some comics! Wooooooohoooooooo!
Looool…. I’m soooo like this (above)
I’m soooo going to do that to a kayaker someday (below)
Einstein is a genius, you should listen to him:
July 5, 2007
Hiedi ho! Its the weekend! Wooohooo! Weekends are the days that I look forward to immensely. Most girls would say they look forward to they day they’re going to get married and have children. I look forward to the day I’m going to have children too. Why? Well, because I’m going to able to do with them whatever I like. I’m not going to beat them (excessively), I’m just going to educate them my way. And I’m going to start by teaching them the letters of the alpahbet. While most parents would probably tell their kids “A is for Apple….etc.” this is what I’m going to say to my kids: http://www.admetam.org/arsmoriendi/index.htm
Kids are quite a long way away yet. I haven’t even turned 23 yet. Which reminds me. My birthday is less than a month away. I haven’t decided if I want to have a big party or just chill with some good friends. A big party is alot of fun but is always accompanied by drama. If I do a small thing, no drama but I might feel like I haven’t really celebrated my birthday. And it’s mandatory for me to really celebrate my birthday. Actually it should be mandatory for everybody to celebrate my birthday: I am your saviour from ennui, after all. Helpful suggestions are welcome.
As long as I’m talking about me I might as well discuss how I lost the tip of my left index finger. Alot of people are curious about that. Actually, I don’t like to talk about it, so I found a picture that describe the horrid incident:
Wow, how time flies, that was such a long time ago. Here are some more pictures for your entertainment. ENJOY!
Candy: Proof that Jesus loves you.
This is an awesome license plate!
Looooool! You have no grasp of physics (the electricity part) if you don’t get this. Go back to highschool!
Look at his hat, I don’t think he’s gonna make it.
I’m so gonna wear a shirt like that when I’m old and diabetic.
The comic below doesn’t make sense: I LOVE IT!
July 4, 2007
Thanks to sknkwrkz for the good wishes. I feel the love.
I am sick but at least my disease won’t have the following headline and byline:
African Bacteria Ate Holes in Girl’s Eyes
A British Columbia teenager’s dream trip to Africa turned into a nightmare when bacteria began eating her eyes.
Loooooooooooool! That completely sucks monkey ass! Imagine bacteria were eating your eyes out. Unforetunately, I couldn’t find a picture of the girl, so you’ll just have to use your imagination. To help, I drew you a picture but I can’t uplaod it (how bastardly).
Anyway, I’m grateful that when I get sick I don’t get as sick as some other people. To help the rest of you ungrateful sods appreciate your lives I’m going to show you some of these diseases. I’ll keep the pictures small for the gross ones (click to enlarge):
1. Elephantiasis: grossly enlarged members
Lymphatic filariasis, also known as elephantiasis, is best known from dramatic photos of people with grossly enlarged or swollen arms and legs. The disease is caused by parasitic worms, including Wuchereria bancrofti, Brugia malayi, and B. timori, all transmitted by mosquitoes. Lymphatic filariasis currently affects 120 million people worldwide, and 40 million of these people have serious disease. When an infected female mosquito bites a person, she may inject the worm larvae, called microfilariae, into the blood. The microfilariae reproduce and spread throughout the bloodstream, where they can live for many years. Often disease symptoms do not appear until years after infection. As the parasites accumulate in the blood vessels, they can restrict circulation and cause fluid to build up in surrounding tissues. The most common, visible signs of infection are excessively enlarged arms, legs, genitalia, and breasts.
2. Progeria: the 80-Year-Old Children
Progeria is caused by a single tiny defect in a child’s genetic code, but it has devastating and life-changing consequences. On average, a child born with this disease will be dead by the age of 13. As they see their bodies fast forward through the normal process of ageing they develop striking physical symptoms, often including premature baldness, heart disease, thinning bones and arthritis. Progeria is extremely rare, there are only around 48 people living with it in the whole world. However, there is a family that has five children with the disease.
This kid is 13 years old
3. Werewolf Syndrome: the wolf people
When two year-old Abys DeJesus grew dark, hairy patches on her face, doctors said she has a condition known as Human Werewolf Syndrome. The disease is called werewolf syndrome because people with it look like werewolves – except without the sharp teeth and claws. In Mexico, a large family of men had hair that covered their faces and upper bodies. Two brothers were even offered a part in the X-Files but they turned down the offer.
4. Pica: the urge to eat non-food substances
People diagnosed with Pica have an insatiable urge to eat non-food substances like dirt, paper, glue and clay. Though it is believed to be linked with mineral deficiency, health experts have found no real cause and no cure for this disorder.
5. Vampire Disease: pain from the sun
There are people out there who go to great lengths to avoid the sun. If they are caught in the sun, their skin will blister. Some of them have pain and blistering as soon as the sun touches their skin. Ok, so they’re not actually vampires. They don’t drink blood and sleep in coffins, but they do suffer from a rare disease that has vampire-like symptoms.
I think I might have a mild form of vampire disease, or I might REALLY BE a vampire. Muhahahaha! *Dum dum*
6. Walking Corpse Syndrome:
It is a syndrome of mental depression and suicidal tendencies, in which the patient complains of having lost everything: possessions, part of or entire body, often believing that he or she has died and is a walking corpse. This delusion is usually expanded to the degree that the patient might claim that he can smell his own rotting flesh and feel worms crawling through his skin. The latter phenomenon is a recurring experience of people chronically deprived of sleep or suffering amphetamine/cocaine psychosis. Paradoxically, being “dead” often gives the patient the nation of being immortal.
Wow, I’m really lucky that I don’t have a really bad disease. I will no longer (for today) complain about bodily pain and not being able to breathe. I hope all of you learnt to appreciate how lucky you are.
Until tomorrow kids! Remember: Wrap it up!
July 3, 2007
Remember the hand-slapping game you would play as a kid? Well, you can now play it virtually. Check out the Hand to Hand Combat Facility at: http://www.acreativedesktop.com/animation-game-slaphands.html
Granted, its not half as fun. The whole fun of it was slapping the your opponents hand until they screamed and their hands turned bright red. Ahhhhhh…. the good ol’ days.
Also, to update you on some news: In case you didn’t know, some 7-Elevens have been temporarily converted into Kwik-E-Marts in preparation for the release of the new Simpsons movie (I’m soooo excited!).
Ofcourse, people are flocking to the eleven “new” Kwik-E-Marts in the US (there are 2 in Canada). Smart ad campaign if I may say so. Check out some pictures at: http://laist.com/2007/07/02/welcome_to_kwik.php
Another cool ad campaign is one for the Neunkirchen Zoo. Poor dog! Check it out at: http://www.scaryideas.com/print/2889/
I know I’m being lazy by not posting the pictures myself but, well, its my party and I’ll cry if I want to. You’ve been too spoiled- just click on the damned links.
Here are some more links:
Find out what a ZILF is: http://inferigame.com/zilf.html
WTF (this is scary): http://www.fazed.org/content/clock_spider/
I’m really tired people. Disease is no fun – unless somebody else had a really bad one….. ooooo oooo I just remembered I have really awesome disease photos, that’ll be tomorrow’s post. That’s going to make me feel so much better! Yayyy!
Anyway, things are going to get worse for me before they get better, I’m going to have to get a small surgery done. So I might not be posting as regular. I’ll let you know what happens. Before i go here’s one picture for you. ta!:
July 2, 2007
I suffer from many things, I think the worst of which is anatidaephobia:
Who know that you could mate a zebra with horse? Meet a zorse:
I love Aunt Jemima!