Yummmm…..dead people

June 28, 2007

Hi everybody, sorry for not updating yesterday. I was off sick. And contrary to popular belief I wasn’t on a cocaine binge, snorting cocaine off of the gorgeous bodies of male prostitutes. That was last week.

Yesterday, I was near asphyxiation thanks to our dust-filled air. Fucking allergies. But you know what makes me feel better? Imagining that the dust in the air isn’t really dust but rather the cremated bodies of dead people. Yuuuuum…. dead people.

Anyway, I wouldn’t really do cocaine. Why? Because cocaine is bad for agriculture. Just take a look at was a coke-head did to a cornfield while trying to escape from police:

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Cokeheads are funny….teehee….

Anyway, I have to remain drug-free for the next 2 days (doctor’s orders). They want to get a CT of my nose sans chemical interference. And then, based on that scan their going to surgically hollow out my nose. Fun!

Enough about me and my lack of breathing. You’re here to be entertained. So let me entertain you with pictures that explain why dogs bite people, followed by some comics. ENJOY!

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I am sooooooo going to do the coffee throwing thing one day. *Sigh* I don’t know why people commit suicide, there are so many things to look forward to in life.

Have a good weekend kids! And remember: No glove, no love.

 

Prophet of Random

 

PS: For those of you feeling sorry for me (you know, because I can’t breathe) I accept gifts in the form of illegal drugs, alcohol, and sexual favors.

 

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Seriously, this man has a huge cock:

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What? Oooooo you thought I meant something else when I said cock, didn’t you? You naughty, naughty boys and girls. Get your minds out of the gutter!

Wow, Paris Hilton is leaving jail today. How time flies when skanks are in jail. This whole Paris Hilton thing gets more media coverage than the OJ Simpson trial did. What’s happening to the world? Since when was  a drunk whore being thrown in jail considered news. So sad. The following picture is dedicated to Paris Hilton:

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If you didn’t already know, I’m part French. There are lots of things that are awesome about French people. One of the most important ones is that we SEXY! Don’t believe me? Just take a look at our wedding cakes:

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You know how they give out free condoms in the student health clinics in college to help prevent STDs? Yeah you do, you know you’ve taken some yourself! Well anyway, tell me if you can see what’s wrong with this picture.

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Stapled condoms anyone? I wonder who was the retard that came up with that idea. I mean TIMMY!

You know, my birthday is coming up soon (actually its still more than a month away) but anyway, I know what I want my gift to be. I want it to be a backlit photo of my DNA. The photos are made by DNA 11 and they’re really expensive. But I’m worth it. All of you should get a portrait of my DNA too. I mean whats cooler than having a representation of the DNA of the greatest person who ever lived since Captain Planet? That’s right, nothing’s cooler cuz I’m ICE COLD baby!

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I heart me. But I don’t heart my job. They sometimes make me draw stupid charts that they’re never happy with. Next time they ask me to draw some stupid chart i’m submitting this:

 

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 Life in Kuwait is killing me. Its sucking the life out of me. Everyday I go from retarded “work” back home where I sleep. If I decide to go out I have to be back before “curfew”. What the fuck? I should be living a more interesting life. Or atleast a life that I can appreciate while sober. I can’t be in my right mind and live here without going insane. Did anybody understand that?

One fun time I did have here in Kuwait though was during my Jewish friend’s birthday when boredq80 had her eyes lasered. This is for you boredq80:

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Shalom!  

Things You Need to Know

June 25, 2007

It’s important for all of you keep update with the goings on in the world. Something really important you have to know is the following:

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I’m TOTALLY serious. The next No Pants Day is May 2nd, 2008. I’ll try to remember to remind you of it later.

Something else that’s important for you to know is not to mess with porcupines. Why? Well, here’s why:

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I think they pulled a total of 1350 quills out of the poor dog.

Something else you should know is that the pain of birth can be shared (click the picture):

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One last thing you should know is that you’re not the only one who’s special:

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To finish off here’s a little comic for all of you:

Pickup Lines

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Album Covers

June 24, 2007

Today’s post is going to be short because I managed to convince my boss to let me leave work so I can research a couple of things for our division (I need to leave in 5 minutes). So anyway, please enjoy a collection of the crappiest album covers ever:

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Damn! Those album covers are hot! They make me want to touch my “naughty place” and think naughty thoughts. Don’t they just completely turn you on?

Especially, TINO (wayed im9adig he’s sexy).

These pictures are so erotic that I have to go somewhere with more privacy. See y’all tomorrow!

 

Its nice to see people get so enthusiastic about my posts. Even I’m pretty sure you’re only interested in the fact that they’re about boobs (naughty, naughty boys and girls). Before I go on I’d like to thank everybody that’s been commenting and I’d like to say that everybody who hasn’t been commenting can go suck a goat’s teats.

Anyway, as promised, here is the article you’ve all been waiting for:

Staying Abreast of Human Sexuality

Boobs: Just Plain Fun or Evolutionary Tool?

There are 1.75 million animal species that have been noted and named by our scientific classification system. Of them, there are 5,800 types of mammal. All mammals are warm-blooded and have a four-chambered heart, but so do birds. Most mammals give birth to live young, but there are exceptions to that. Mammals all have hair, but again they share that trait with other creatures–in this case spiders. In fact there is only one truly defining characteristic of mammals that is unique, and that is the trait for with they are named: the mammary gland. All mammalian species posses a gland that secretes or oozes milk for the repast of their young. In most cases the mammary gland becomes enlarged during lactation, and diminishes to almost unnoticeable when the milk is unneeded. However, amidst all 5,800 mammals, there is only one species that has perpetually swollen mammary glands. Odds are you are a member of this strangely anomalous, difficult to explain species.

At first glance the human breast defies explanation, but there are those who have spent careers and lifetimes in pursuit of explaining the relative enormity of the bust. Theories about the abundance abound. As of yet there is no consensus as to why the human female is so endowed, but staying abreast of the emerging ideas can make for titillating research.

Every variety of mammal has some sort of breast. The feature that sets the human breast apart is that in relation to the size of the body, there is no other species that retains a breast in such a swollen state. Cattle teats can be proportionately larger, but only so long as the cow is lactating; the same is true of many other species. It seems logical, seeing how lactation can be a drain of resources, that the animal’s breasts would atrophy when not in use. Some early thought on the origin of the human breast stated that because of the breast’s importance in nurturing the young, biology opted to supply extra fatty deposits to the mammary glands to help the race survive lean times of drought or meager foodstuffs. A fine idea, but it does little to explain the complex psychology surrounding the breast, and one should suppose the same phenomenon would be displayed in other species.

Therefore to handle the riddle of perpetual breasts a zoologist by the name of Desmond Morris attempted to apply gleanings from his animal research. Morris is probably best known for his 1957 art exhibition of paintings created by monkeys and his documentary series “The Human Animal”. Morris has become a somewhat controversial figure by writing papers expounding on how certain human aspects may have evolved. Among the tenets that he’s suggested is a need to exercise our inherent omnivorous heritage by eating everything, and speculation on the development of human breasts.

Morris’ hypothesis is that the breast is a purely erotic affectation–a piquing notion. Most creatures in the animal kingdom tend to have the most success mating in a “male aft” sexual position because of the placement of the genitalia. In quadrupeds such as dogs and cats, all the sexual equipment is right out in plain view framed by large, rounded buttocks. Humans and their unique propensity to stand and walk erect put an end to that straight away. Changes to the pelvic region that allowed for all this walking about also causes a “face to face” mating position to have a higher effectiveness among bipeds. Morris’ contention is that it was more practical for the female to evolve an analog to the buttocks on her front than it was to re-wire the male instinct to desire an alternate sex pose. The breasts took on the roll of buttocks being the frameset of sexuality. There is an obvious cleavage of thought regarding the application of animal instincts and behaviors to humans; some maintain that humans didn’t evolve at all, and some criticize Morris as being unscientific, calling his theories untestable and claiming his methods are too abstract to apply to people.

A related, but more widely held theory is one of sexual selection. In the bygone days of early human history, the males and females were nearly indistinguishable; the male possessed small, inconspicuous genitalia much like the gorilla, and the female had no breasts of which to speak except when she was lactating or ovulating. The increase of hormones during ovulation causes a slight swelling of the breasts. From there the conclusion is obvious: not only could the male find and easily identify females of the right age, but it was at a time of her peak fertility. As males were becoming ingrained with mental coding to equate breasts with sex, the females who displayed larger breasts bred more effectively–thus the trait of extra fatty deposits in the breasts was passed to their progeny.

Like Morris’ theory, there is really no means to disprove this theory of how the breast came about, but it serves to address why females tend to carry around nicely-shaped though otherwise unnecessary blobs of fat, and at the same time address some of the psychological and social issues around the breast. Cultures around the world tend to view the breast differently, but there seems to be a widespread reluctance to letting it hang loose.

In the twenty-first century we’re still strapped to some primitive mindsets about the breast. Many cultures hold that because males do not possess these milk-extreting modified sweat glands, he can bare his chest in public forum whereas a woman cannot. It’s true that women generally have more fat in that area, allowing for a greater curved shape, however, there are men who carry fatty tissue in the same area, and display an apparent boob. Since the glands cannot be seen, what is the difference? Such is the question that the Topfree Equal Rights Association attempts to address. Their wild notion is that the female breast isn’t obscene, vulgar, dangerous, or in any way worse than man-boobs, and that if said male-mounds can be waved free in certain circumstances, then women should at the very least be allowed the same discretion without fear of legal ramifications.

Theories concerning the functional nature of the breast notwithstanding, the breast is certainly emphasized in modern culture as a sexual object. Would the free display of such enhance or detract from that image? It seems that every few weeks there is a news story in the US concerning a nursing mother being ejected from a public place for attempting to nurse a young one, while at the same time Victoria’s Secret has made a multi-million dollar business of drawing attention to the bust. Janet Jackson’s nipple roused the wrath of armchair quarterbacks across the nation, whereas Playboy is the best selling men’s magazine in the world. The controversy around the topic is surprising considering that breasts are an ailment suffered by 52% of the population.

Since records on the subject began in the mid-1800s, the average breast size in the US has increased from a 32-B to the current average of 36-C. This may be a result of better nutrition, healthier lifestyle, or the result of the aforementioned sexual selection. If the last, however, the current popularity could be an end to natural growth; if breasts aid a female in successful mating, she no longer needs the genes to acquire the advantage, therefore the graph of breast growth may, alas, flatten.

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Blue-Footed Boobie

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Melons

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Maracas

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Knockers and Bluetit

PS: In case you didn’t guess I didn’t write the article, Jason Bellows did. That freak!

PSS: After reading this article, I realized that I am sooooo at the top of the evolutionary pool. I have very nice cha-chas, if I do say so myself. They not only serve as good airbags in case of a car accident, they also make great companions. I love you my boobs: AKA Mary-Kate (right) and Ashley (left).

Stay Tuned

June 20, 2007

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s dicussion topic- Boobs: Just Plain Fun or Evolutionary Tool?

I would have posted it today, but I’m feeling kinda lazy and my head hurts. All I’m thinking of right now is sitting on a nice sunny beach, soaking up the sun with the best company you could ever have: Cerveza.

Man, I have to find a better job. Its only 11am and I’m already contemplating suicide cuz I’m so fucking bored.

Here’s some interesting news to keep you occupied:

A “neo-sexual” society fosters human intimacy with inanimate objects

Plus Japan’s shrine to facilitate couples breaking up; mandatory, loving spanking by parents; an extreme Islam that requires segregation of cucumbers and tomatoes; “turban pride”; and more in this week’s News of the Weird.

People can develop intimate, romantic relationships with objects (beyond mere fetishism, which produces only short-term arousal), according to one of Germany’s most renowned sexologists, Volkmar Sigusch, interviewed for a May report in Der Spiegel. A reporter claimed to find individuals infatuated with a Hammond organ (and who feared infidelity when a technician performed repairs), New York City’s Twin Towers (whose lover bathed with a miniature version), and the Berlin Wall (which a woman ceremoniously “married” in 1979 and legally changed her name in acknowledgment). Sigusch said this objectophilia was another indication of society’s increasing “neo-sexuality.” [Der Spiegel, 5-11-07]


Weird Japan

Sachio Kawabata, 61, was awarded the equivalent of about $5,000 by a court in Kagoshima in January because the police abused him during interrogation over possible violations of election law. The judge found that Kawabata suffered “great mental anguish” when police wrote his family name and derogatory messages on pieces of paper and forced Kawabata to stomp on them. [Reuters, 5-7-07]

The house specialty at the 800-year-old Yasui Konpiragu Shrine in Kyoto, Japan, is the prayer for strength to end a marriage or other relationship, mostly offered by female visitors who crawl into a “wish tunnel,” but also available from on-site priests for the equivalent of about $50. Parents, also, may pray that a son or daughter ends a bad relationship. [Mainichi Daily News, 1-19-07]


Latest Religious Messages

While the California Assembly debated an open-hand-only spanking bill for parents this spring, the Bethel Baptist Church in El Sobrante continued to demand that spanking by flexible rod is the only punishment acceptable to God and that will produce wisdom in the child. No sturdier weapon may be used, nor the open or closed hand, nor even mere yelling, according to a church pamphlet cited by InsideBayArea.com for a May report. Said one parishioner-parent, “With my girls, the spanking relieved them of their guilt, which allowed them to be happy in a very short time afterward.” Said another, “We disagree with timeouts. … That’s an attack on spanking.” [InsideBayArea.com, 4-28-07]

In May, The Times of London, interviewing witnesses in Diyala province in Iraq, described scenes from the hard-core Salafist version of Islam being enforced (similar to what the Taliban imposed in Afghanistan), including breaking the fingers of those who repeatedly smoked cigarettes, prohibiting grocers from displaying bananas (as “obscene”), and requiring them to screen cucumbers from tomatoes (as the latter are “feminine vegetables”). One local man said he assumed that another restriction that farmers modestly cover their goats’ “nether regions” was just a rumor, until he saw a goat wearing boxer shorts. [The Times (London), 5-3-07]

So many comments… So many…. but my head is about to explode, so I’ll leave it up to all of you to comment on the isanity of the world we live in.

As a child, like most children, I’ve wondered what it would be like to go into outerspace. But unlike most children, I’ve wondered what it would be like to die in outerspace.  I had theories that because of the extreme change in pressure that a persons bowels would expand gratly and the person would essentially shit themselves before they died of lack of oxygen.

I’ve had the whole outerspace exposure discussion with a couple of people and nobody really seemed to know: What exactly happens to person when they are exposed to that crazy crazy vaccum we call space?

Well, thanks to damninteresting.com I now have the answer (I imagined death in outerspace to happen in a much cooler way): 

When the human body is suddenly exposed to the vacuum of space, a number of injuries begin to occur immediately. Though they are relatively minor at first, they accumulate rapidly into a life-threatening combination. The first effect is the expansion of gases within the lungs and digestive tract due to the reduction of external pressure. A victim of explosive decompression greatly increases their chances of survival simply by exhaling within the first few seconds, otherwise death is likely to occur once the lungs rupture and spill bubbles of air into the circulatory system. Such a life-saving exhalation might be due to a shout of surprise, though it would naturally go unheard where there is no air to carry it.

In the absence of atmospheric pressure water will spontaneously convert into vapor, which would cause the moisture in a victim’s mouth and eyes to quickly boil away. The same effect would cause water in the muscles and soft tissues of the body to evaporate, prompting some parts of the body to swell to twice their usual size after a few moments. This bloating may result in some superficial bruising due to broken capillaries, but it would not be sufficient to break the skin.

Within seconds the reduced pressure would cause the nitrogen which is dissolved in the blood to form gaseous bubbles, a painful condition known to divers as “the bends.” Direct exposure to the sun’s ultraviolet radiation would also cause a severe sunburn to any unprotected skin. Heat does not transfer out of the body very rapidly in the absence of a medium such as air or water, so freezing to death is not an immediate risk in outer space despite the extreme cold.

For about ten full seconds– a long time to be loitering in space without protection– an average human would be rather uncomfortable, but they would still have their wits about them. Depending on the nature of the decompression, this may give a victim sufficient time to take measures to save their own life. But this period of “useful consciousness” would wane as the effects of brain asphyxiation begin to set in. In the absence of air pressure the gas exchange of the lungs works in reverse, dumping oxygen out of the blood and accelerating the oxygen-starved state known as hypoxia. After about ten seconds a victim will experience loss of vision and impaired judgement, and the cooling effect of evaporation will lower the temperature in the victim’s mouth and nose to near-freezing. Unconsciousness and convulsions would follow several seconds later, and a blue discoloration of the skin called cyanosis would become evident.

At this point the victim would be floating in a blue, bloated, unresponsive stupor, but their brain would remain undamaged and their heart would continue to beat. If pressurized oxygen is administered within about one and a half minutes, a person in such a state is likely make a complete recovery with only minor injuries, though the hypoxia-induced blindness may not pass for some time. Without intervention in those first ninety seconds, the blood pressure would fall sufficiently that the blood itself would begin to boil, and the heart would stop beating. There are no recorded instances of successful resuscitation beyond that threshold.

Though an unprotected human would not long survive in the clutches of outer space, it is remarkable that survival times can be measured in minutes rather than seconds, and that one could endure such an inhospitable environment for almost two minutes without suffering any irreversible damage. The human body is indeed a resilient machine.

Hi all,

I’m really really sleepy. And I still have 3.5 boring hours to sit thru before the workday is over. How on earth am I going to stay awake. I should have brought some redbull with me.

There’s this medication called Modafinil  that’s used for narcoleptics. Maybe I can get my hands on some of that. If it works on the UK miliary, its gotta work for me, right?

I wish I had a nice soft pillow on my desk right now. And a USB electric blanket (they exist, you know). Ahhhhhhh… That would be heaven right now.

I’m so sleepy that my eyes are slowly crossing themselves. I look retarded. I’m trying to type as much as I can, I’m trying to distract myself from sleeping. I don’t think its working though. Alright, I’ll just lay my head down for 5 minutes. Don’t fall asleep. DON’T FALL ASLEEP. 

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Ok, I can’t put my head down, I’ll definitely pass out. You know what? I think that it should be mandatory to have a half an hour naptime in all establishments. It should be a labor law. And they should give power-nap seminars. Now that‘s a seminar I wouldn’t mind going to.

Those seminars actually exist by the way. ‘Why would corporations allow their employees to sleep on the job?’, you might ask. Well, because power naps mean more patience, less stress, better reaction time, increased learning, more efficiency and better health. Therefore sleep is good for business. Still, I can’t fall asleep. Must….struggle…against…..drowsiness…..

…… Okay, I just had a cup of coffee and a short chat with a co-worker. I’m feeling better. Its 12.10 now. 3 hours to go until FREEDOM!

Look at what I found. I should try this someday:

Caffeine Nap

A Caffeine Nap[1] is a power nap that was preceded by the intake of an energy drink, i.e. coffee, Red Bull, Rock Star, Monster, etc. An energy pill, i.e No-Doz, Vivarin, Ultra Pep-Back, can be used as well.

To be most effective you must take the source of energy quickly and be able to fall asleep within minutes afterwards. Otherwise the energy source will begin to work and will prevent you from falling asleep. With this in mind, the energy pills will get absorbed slower than the energy drink and might be the best choice.

Once asleep the energy source will begin to enter your system and will wake you up in the normal time frame of a power nap (20-30 minutes). Once woke you will have the energy from the nap and a boost from the energy source as well.

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Ah pills! How I love them so! Me and pills actually have a love-hate relationship. I get sick alot. And when I was in the US, retarded, unneccessary pill-dispensing doctors had me on like 13 meds at one time. I hated it at first. But needless to say, I not only got used to it, I got addicted to it. Its crazy how fucked up you get when you’re on so many drugs at the same time. You’re mind is fogged up. I don’t know how to explain it. But I do know you really should avoid driving (I almost killed two people- only then I realized I shouldn’t be driving).

Anyway,  back to the fun part about drugs: Even though I know I’ve built up a tolerance to certain meds (like codiene and antihistamines don’t make me feel funky like they do to other people), I feel placated when I pop a pill. I feel calmer (for a short while), even if its just Panadol.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love popping-pills but I don’t pop them needlessly. I have a headache most times or something like that. Yeah, sure I could go without Panadol, it’s not a horrible headache. But why suffer?

I don’t get people who are in pain (and it shows and they complain about it) and they go “I don’t like taking medicines, I don’t like putting chemicals in my body”.

My response is : “Motherfucker, your body is composed of chemicals! The reason you are in pain is because of a chemical reaction. So just take some fucking Panadol and shut the fuck up. Its Panadol, not fucking chemo bitch!”

I thought that ‘bitch’ at the end was a nice touch, don’t you?

I wonder if other people are the same as me. Once, I went to a friend’s house and I got a headache. I ask for some Tylenol or anything of the sort and THEY DIDN’T HAVE ANY. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve never heard of a house not having things like that. That is really strange, right? Its not just me, right? Oh yeah, and you know what’s even funnier about it: I could probably find 5 types of different illegal drugs in this person’s house but they had no friggin’ Panadol.  Oh, the irony!

I personally have pretty much every legal , non-prescription drug in my possesion. If any of you are ailing from any sort of generic illness, let me know. Chances are I know how to treat it.

It’s 1 pm. Only two hours to go! Woooohooo. Let’s see, what else is there? Hmmmm…..

I guess I can talk about myself a little bit more, seeing as I’ve already admitted some shit to y’all.

Let me tell you about my awesome powers as the Prophet of Random. You may ask ‘Why are you so special? What makes you different from all of us?’ Well, I’ll tell you why I’m special, and this is the complete and honest truth: My mind exists in a different realm than eveybody elses. Neurologically speaking, I have theta brain waves when I’m awake, where as normal people only have them while they’re asleep. Therefore, I am, neurologically, in a constant dream (a better word for it is ‘meditative’) state. Cool, eh? But in return for my greatness, the Random gods have lessened from my memory and learning powers. Those evil bastards! BTW, I was diagnosed with this prior to my med binge, so this isn’t the result of being on the medical equivalent of crack.

Who needs memory anyway? Its not like I’m going to forget what I just said and say it again. Its not like I’m going to forget what I just said and say it again.

Hehehe…. I kill me. Anyway, that’s some info about me for you. Tell me about yourselves. I’d love to know what makes you so special and different.

Okay, its 1.30 pm. And I’m feeling sleepy again. That means the coffee only lasted 1 hour and 20 minutes.

I’ve run out of things to say for the time being. So I guess I’ll sign off. See you all tomorrow!

I LOVE all things medical and I especially love all things medical and strange. So today kids we’re gonna talk about priapism. A common side-effect of several medication. ‘What is priapism?’ you may ask. Well, I think wikipedia defines it best:

“Priapism is a painful and potentially harmful medical condition in which the erect penis does not return to its flaccid state (despite the absence of both physical and psychological stimulation) within about four hours.”

That’s awesome! Any hot guy suffering from priapism CALL ME *wink wink*.

Oh, no…… hold on a sec….. there’s more:

“Potential complications include ischaemia, clotting of the blood retained in the penis (thrombosis), and damage to the blood vessels of the penis which may result in an impaired erectile function or impotence. In serious cases, the ischemia may result in gangrene, which could necessitate penis removal.”

Ouch! That can’t be fun. Buuuuuuuut…. thats freakin’ hilarious to think about (in a wonderfully sick and twisted way).

I mean a gangrened penis? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Just goes to show that you learn something new everyday. I wonder if I can find pictures…. hmmmmm…………………………………… nope. Nothing really (a load off of your mind, right?)

But wait! There’s so much more!

How do you treat such a terrible affliction? Well boys, meet the Winter shunt:

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That must not be too pleasant. There’s another shunt too, it goes in the base of the penis instead of the head. But I don’t want to load the picture up. I mean, I’m at work, and I think people here are starting to doubt my story that all the penis pictures I have are related to a wealth management product I’m trying to introduce to the wealthy and kinky.

Anyway, you might be wondering where the name priapism comes from. Well, the Greeks, of course! The name comes from the god Priapus, referring to that god’s most notable attribute: ironically and pertinently one version of the Priapus myth has Priapus punished by the gods for attempting to rape a goddess by being given a huge but useless set of wooden genitals.

But the fun doesn’t end there! Who wants to know about the Death Erection? *Oooo ooo I do! I do!*

Well then,

“A death erection or terminal erection[1] is a post-mortem erection, technically a priapism, observed in the corpses of human males who have been executed, particularly by hanging. This phenomenon is sometimes referred to as “angel lust”.

Death by hanging, whether an execution or a suicide, has been observed to affect the genitals of both men and women. In women, the labia will become engorged and there may be a discharge of blood from the vagina. In men, “a more or less complete state of erection of the penis, with discharge of urine, of mucus, or of the prostatic fluid, is a frequent occurrence … present in one case in three.” Other causes of death may also result in these effects, including fatal gunshot wounds to the brain, major blood vessels, or violent death by poisoning, and forensically, a postmortem priapism is an indicator that death was likely swift and violent.”

 Cooooooooooooooooooool! Now I know I can not only kill a person but embrass them post-mortem too! I’d poke his erection and go “Ha-ha! Bastard got what’s coming to him for cheating on me with that ho from Wal-Mart!” *spit on corpse*

Ahhhhhh…….. the human body: Such an amazing thing. This calls for a picture (partially drawn by me): Damn it! I can’t upload it! Oh well, I guess you’ll have to go without. Nuts for you!

 

ADD! Who me? ADD?

June 17, 2007

Despite people disagreeing with me about this subject. I really feel I have ADD. Now, I’m completely, non-hyperactive, but I turns out you don’t have to be. I have trouble concentrating, I get distracted easily, and I procrastinate like a bitch. So I’ve decided that I’m either slightly ADD or I’m just a lazy motherfucker. I prefer to be ADD, because atleast that’s treatable.

Actually, as I put more thought into it, I’m probably a really lazy person with ADD. Laziness isn’t completely bad, you know. Actually, I find laziness to be a stage of nirvana. I believe that all of us that are truly lazy belong to the divine order of the TEMPLE OF THE SLOTH.

The sloth, my friends, is the most awesomest creature ever. I believe that if I’m lucky, I’ll be reincarnated as a sloth in my next life. I mean just look at the constant look of peace and traquility on a sloths face (they’re always smiling):

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Sloths are really chilled-out (its like they’re constantly high). Here’s some more info about sloths from some website:

  • The sloth is the world’s slowest mammal, so sedentary that algae grows on its furry coat. (So alot of them end up green-Sweet!)

  • Sloths sleep 15-20 hours a day. They eat for the rest of the day.

  • Sloths have such a good grip that even when they’re shot dead they stay hanging on the tree-tops – Thus, most hunters don’t even bother shooting them.

  • Infant sloths normally cling to their mother’s fur, but occasionally fall off. Sloths are very sturdily built and rarely die from a fall. In some cases they die from a fall indirectly because the mothers sometimes prove unwilling to leave the safety of the trees to retrieve them.

  • As much as two-thirds of a well-fed sloth’s body-weight consists of the contents of its stomach, and the digestive process can take as long as a month or more to complete. 

  • So how slow are sloths exactly? They mostly move at 0.5 to 1 foot per minute.

 

Wow, it felt like I was typing my autobiography just now. Creepy.

The only difference between me (lazy people) and sloths is the fact that sloths are quite content living the way they do. I, unforetunately, sometimes feel unproductive and useless when I sleep 15 hours a day. It’s wrong for me to feel that way, in my opinion. I should be able to feel happy and content with the way I am. This is the way I was created. I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I should try to hide it just because society doesn’t think its ‘okay’ to be lazy. I’m proud of who I am and that I’m lazy!

Sound familiar? Thats right! If gay and lesbian people have rights so that they aren’t discriminated against then so should we. Afterall, we were born this way and nobody should ask us to change. I declare! We should live in a world where when HR calls me in again to complain that I’m being late to work I should be able to slap their asses with a lawsuit claiming discrimination and an unwillingness to accomodate relegious beliefs (I find sleeping to be a form of prayer).

We should try to rid the world of dormitophobia! And with these words I will part:

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FRESHHHH!

June 14, 2007

Hopefully, next sunday I’ll be moving to a computer that’ll allow me to start Stumbling again. And that means fresh, exciting Randomness! Yaaay!

What should I discuss today? Hmmmmmm….. Hmmmmm…… I dunno.

Oh, okay….(Even though its kinda old) I’ll briefly discuss the whole fatwa that was released that stated that a man and a woman are allowed to spend time together alone(without being married) if a woman breastfeeds the man first.

I really don’t know why there’s so much controversy surround this subject. I mean, I’ve personally been following that fatwa for years now (Even before it was published). Granted, everytime I did let a man near “my heaving bosom” (quoted from every romance novel ever written) I wasn’t lactating. And things might have gone a little farther, but hey, like ‘you say tomato-I say tomatoe’ You say breastfeeding – I say blowjob. They both essentially require the same mechanism. And they’re both probably nutritious enough, right?

I wonder if somebody could go ask their local Shiekh if thats okay for me? Thanks!

I know kids, I have a dirty mind but I’m sooo bored and my mind execissively mulls things over when I’m bored.

Lets see what else is there to type about? Well, lets see… I bought dvds from macdvds.com or q8dvds (one of them) and the dvd quality was unsatisfactory. It was House Season 3. Are all the DVDs usually crappy or only the series ones? And can I compain and get my money back. What do y’all think?

BTW, since we’re on the subject: EVERYBODY READING THIS MUST WATCH ‘HOUSE, M.D’. The first two seasons are amazing (disregard the pilot episode)! And I don’t recommend any old crap y’know. Watch it bitches!

Lets see if there’s an interesting picture I can put up for you. Hold on……………….. Oh I know…. Here is a picture of the best Kinder surprise and the best Valentine’s day gift:

A kinder Kinder:

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Have a Happy, Giddy, Munchy Valentine’s Day!

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Da Bomb

June 13, 2007

Here is a little something to keep you mildly entertained: You know, I always thought the US military budget was going to be used to kill people not make them horny.

The Gay Bomb

A Berkeley, California, watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.

Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsquently rejected, building the so-called “Gay Bomb.”
Edward Hammond, of Berkeley’s Sunshine Project, had used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain a copy of the proposal from the Air Force’s Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio.

As part of a military effort to develop non-lethal weapons, the proposal suggested, “One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior.”

The documents show the Air Force lab asked for $7.5 million to develop such a chemical weapon.

“The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soliders to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another,” Hammond said after reviwing the documents.

“The notion was that a chemical that would probably be pleasant in the human body in low quantities could be identified, and by virtue of either breathing or having their skin exposed to this chemical, the notion was that soliders would become gay,” explained Hammond.

The Pentagon told CBS 5 that the proposal was made by the Air Force in 1994.

“The Department of Defense is committed to identifying, researching and developing non-lethal weapons that will support our men and women in uniform,” said a DOD spokesperson, who indicated that the “gay bomb” idea was quickly dismissed.

However, Hammond said the government records he obtained suggest the military gave the plan much stronger consideration than it has acknowledged.

“The truth of the matter is it would have never come to my attention if it was dismissed at the time it was proposed,” he said. “In fact, the Pentagon has used it repeatedly and subsequently in an effort to promote non-lethal weapons, and in fact they submitted it to the highest scientific review body in the country for them to consider.”

Military officials insisted Friday to CBS 5 that they are not currently working on any such idea and that the past plan was abandoned.

Gay community leaders in California said Friday that they found the notion of a “gay bomb” both offensive and almost laughable at the same time.

“Throughout history we have had so many brave men and women who are gay and lesbian serving the military with distinction,” said Geoff Kors of Equality California. “So, it’s just offensive that they think by turning people gay that the other military would be incapable of doing their job. And its absurd because there’s so much medical data that shows that sexual orientation is immutable and cannot be changed.”

{END OF ARTICLE}

I think the gay bomb would end up become a black market drug that people would buy to use at their orgy parties. I can understand the theory of using hormones to make people really aggressively horny but how can you make them specifically homosexual. The soldiers would probably end up humping trees and having sex with random animals too.
And anyway, who said that making the army gay and horny would make them less effective in terms of battle. I think they’d be MORE effective. I mean if an enemy soldier came up to me and she started licking her lips and touching herself and trying to seduce me I’d would probably run the other way. I mean, I can’t shoot an unarmed person, I mean, how am I supposed to explain that judge when I’m tried for violating the Geneva Convention (or whatever)? This is probably how the trial would go:
Judge: Ms. Random did you shoot an unarmed soldier in Baghdad?
Me: Yes judge, I did.
Judge: How could you shoot an unarmed female soldier in the face 5 times? She was not a threat upon you.
Me: Oh yes she was! She….she…she was licking her lips… and…. oh God *sob**sob*. I’m sorry… it was just so traumatic…. I can’t…
Judge: Ms. Random please explain yourself.
Me: *Massive sobbing* Then she started touching herself and looking at me… Her eyes they were EVIL! I could tell she wanted to do things to me… bad things… *sob**sob* And she came closer to me, she was going to TOUCH me…. I couldn’t let that happen, could I? Then I’d become infected. I HAD to shoot her, I HAD to!!!!!
Oh god! *SOB* my life was just fine before the gay bomb was invented. *looking up into the heavens-and shaking fist* CURSE YOU GAY BOMB! CURSE YOU!!!!!! STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
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And now, here are some pictures for you to enjoy. And I will give you some wise advice that was given to me, I don’t know why though because everybody knows that my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and me gusta la gasolina. But anyway, enough about how hot I am and how all the groovy boys like me:

“STAY STRAIGHT!”

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And now for another edition of “Blimey! There are Tiny Animals on My Fingers!” Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

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“Doodleduh-Doodleduh-Doodleduh-Doodle_duh! Doodleduh-Doodleduh-Doodleduh-Doodle_duh!”

The Dave Chapelle tune is COMPLETELY STUCK IN MY HEAD! And I can see him dancing with his goat legs on singing it! Darn you Pedro’s Daddy, for doing this to me!

Gerald Ford…..

June 12, 2007

One memory from my childhood that I won’t forget is watching a skit on SNL and laughing my ass off. I wonder if it’s really that funny now. I think it is. Here’s the transcript (which I know most of you won’t read) but watch the episode if you can find it (by the way Tom Brokaw is pre-recording news stories in the skit):

Tom Brokaw: Okay, who are we up to?

Voice of Producer: Uh.. we’re still on Presidents. Gerald Ford.

Tom Brokaw: Gerald Ford? Well, he’s in good shape..

Voice of Producer: Just covering our bases, Tom. You never know..

Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. [ graphic of Gerald Ford, “1913-1996” appears over Tom’s left shoulder ] “Gerald Ford dead today at the age of 83.”

Voice of Producer: Okay, good. Annd, one for next year.

Tom Brokaw: Alright.. [ graphic of Gerald Ford, “1913-1997” ] “Gerald Ford dead today, at age 84.”

Voice of Producer: Uh.. a little sadder.

Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ sad ] “Gerald Ford dead today.. at age 84..”

Voice of Producer: That was good. Good.

Tom Brokaw: Okay, what now?

Voice of Producer: Now let’s do one for if he’s shot.

Tom Brokaw: Well, what are the chances of that?

Voice of Producer: We’re just covering contingencies.

Tom Brokaw: I mean, it just seems that Gerald Ford..

Voice of Producer: Look – you’re the one who wants to spend the whole winter in Barbados, okay? Now, we gotta be ready with something, just in case. Alright, Tom?

Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. [ graphic of Gerald Ford, “1913-1996” ] “Gerald Ford shot dead today, at age 83.”

Voice of Producer: Uh.. add the word “senseless”.

Tom Brokaw: Alright. “Gerald Ford shot dead today, at the senseless age of 83.”

Voice of Producer: Um.. uh..

Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. “Gerald Ford shot senselessly dead, at the age of 83.”

Voice of Producer: Good, good.. Okay, now suicide.

Tom Brokaw: What?!

Voice of Producer: Just read it!

Tom Brokaw: Alright. “Gerald Ford dead today, after jupming out of an office building, senselessly.”

Voice of Producer: That’s a nice touch. Okay, moving on.

Tom Brokaw: Okay. “Gerald Ford dead today, from an overdose of crack cocaine.”

Voice of Producer: Good, good.. Next.

Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ graphic of Gerald Ford and a commuter plane ] “Stunning news from Michigan, as former President Gerald Ford was chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane.”

Voice of Producer: Good. One take.

Tom Brokaw: Alright, we got it?

Voice of Producer: No. We’ve got “eaten by wolves”.

Tom Brokaw: What? Now, come on!

Voice of Producer: Just read it!

Tom Brokaw: Gerald Ford isn’t gonna be eaten by wolves!

Voice of Producer: Taft was.

Tom Brokaw: Really? Taft?

Voice of Producer: Uh.. yeah.

Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. [ graphic of Ford surrounded by a pair of wolves ] “Tragedy today, as former President Gerald Ford was eaten by wolves. He was delicious.” Now.. now, that’s just superfluous, you know?

Voice of Producer: It’s a former President, Tom. What do you say – he’s not delicious?

Tom Brokaw: Alright, fine.. what’s next?

Voice of Producer: The double story.

Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ graphic of Ford and map of France ] “A fireball destroyed France today, and Gerald Ford is dead.” Now, what are the odds of that?

Voice of Producer: Fine. We’ll get Stone Phillips to do it. You know, I’m sure Stone Phillips would be thrilled to break a story like that!

Tom Brokaw: Alright. Let’s keep moving.. [ graphic of Ford and the corpse of Richard Nixon ] “Stunning news from Yorba Linda today, as Richard Nixon’s corpse climbed out of his grave and strangled Gerald For to death.”

Voice of Producer: Excellent.

Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ graphic of Ford and circus lion ] “Gerald Ford was mauled senselessly by a circus lion in a convenience store.”

Voice of Producer: Good. Next.

Tom Brokaw: Alright. “Gerald Ford is dead today, and I’m gay.” Now, wait a minute!

Voice of Producer: What? That’d be a huge story – Ford dying, and you coming out!

Tom Brokaw: But I’m not gay!

Voice of Producer: Today you’re not gay, you know.. but then one day you wake up, you like men, and Gerald Ford dies, and we’re screwed. Everyone’s hearing about it from Dan Rather!

Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. what’s this for?

[ graphic of Gerald Ford and the Zimbabwee flag appears ]

Voice of Producer: Alright, this one’s for if we’re invaded by Zimbabwee.

Tom Brokaw: Would I still be the anchor if Zimbabwee invaded us?

Voice of Producer: Yeah.. if you break the Gerald Ford story, you will..

Tom Brokaw: Alright. “Hola bambe, hungala dimba Gerald Ford.. *click* *click* *click* *click* ..hola bambe, allah bumba bubba hulla humba hey.”

Voice of Producer: Very nice. Very nice. A little sadder, please.

Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. [ sadly ] “Hola bambe, hungala dimba Gerald Ford.. *click* *click* ..hola bambe..”

[ fade ]

I also kinda like the “You Got Any Gum? HA-HA-HA-HA!” Skit 

Resistance

June 11, 2007

I can’t stop thinking about Resistance: Fall of Man on the PS3. So I HAVE to post about it. Think of this game as a mixture between Halo and Counter-Strike, and a little bit of Resident Evil (Crazy-ass creature running around trying to fuck you up).

Anybody who appreciates first-person shooters will LOVE this game. The graphics are AMAZING.

Oooo….Ooo! And this game has a Vs. Mode that reminds me of the olden days of playing James Bond on the N64 with my brothers and sisters. Aaaaahhhh the good old days that used to filled with blood, guns, violence, and giggles. Oh how I miss them so!

Anyway, try this game people! Its bloody amazing!

Here are some screenshots from the game…. mind you, these aren’t from the intro, these are the actual gameplay graphics:

    

I know… I’m bad

June 10, 2007

So, I’m at work…. if you can call playing Prince of Persia work. So anyway, I’m looking at the website of the establishment that I work for and I see a “condolence notice” so I decide to check it out. Its pretty much typical (the father of someone here passed away- May he rest in peace). Anyway, as I read the letter… well lets see if you notice it too:

“HUMAN RESOURCES DIVISION  

The Management & Staff of

——–

 

   Extend their heartfelt condolences on the sad demise of Father of   

Ms. ——————–

DCGM’s Office

  May his soul rest in peace”

Demise?…. I thought that only evil villians saw their demise. Right? And for your death to qualify as “demise” doesn’t something REALLY awful have to happen to you? Something like you were laughing insanely as you plotted to kill Captain Planet and cover the entire Earth in chocolate when a huge-ass ostrich rams you in the balls and you’re thrown off of (what you just realize to be…) a cliff. But wait! You manage to hang onto the rocky ledge of the cliff. Unforetunately, it turns out that the ostrich enjoys the taste of human flesh so it starts to pick and gnaw at your poor bloodly little fingers. And the ostrich is only encouraged by your screams of pain, and it starts to really use that (usually harmless-looking) beak. At one point, you realize that the bastardly ostrich has eaten all of your fingers and you plummet towards the sharp rocks below, screaming “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” *thump* You’re dead.

And now THAT was a sad demise.

Oooohhh! Oooooh! And to add insult to injury (well, in this case, death), the ostrich decides to vomit your fingers off the cliff and on top of your lifeless body.

Anybody want to take a crack at what they think qualifies as “demise”?

A little break

June 6, 2007

I need to let you all know that I probably won’t be posting every working day for a while. The reason is that I have a few personal projects I want to work on.

My first project is creating and maintaining a zen garden.

The second is starting my fund the YAF (yay!!!!). And that’s going to require ALOT of research into the stock market *yawn*. But I feel it needs to be done, or that I should atleast attempt it.

Anyway, here are some pictures to keep you occupied for approximately two minutes, enjoy!

Oh yeah, I maskhared a bitch on facebook and got her kicked out of the group we were in for being a complete retard ( I mean this girl was worse than TIMMY!). It felt sooooo good. Straight up? Bitches don’t mess with me!

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 Babies suck!

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So there was this dolphin in china, and it decided to eat plastic crap that chipped off the pool it was in. It couldn’t pass out the plastic and it was causing some digestive problems. What to do? Get the world’s tallest man to stick his long-ass arms into the dolphin and pull the plastic out!

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Oh the horror!

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The birds and the bees:

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An actual sign posted in a dorm by the University of Michigan:

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Its ptrue!

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The cat says…..

June 5, 2007

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says-thumb, originally uploaded by Prophet of Random.

I’m actually quite busy at work today so today’s post is going to be brief and TIMMY!

Look at the picture and then guess what the cat says.
The cat says:
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MAO!

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa! C’mon that was funny, right? Man, I am so awesome! *sigh* I love me.

Truths

June 4, 2007

Today’s post is about the truths that exist in the world. I am the Prophet of Random and it is my pleasure, nay, it is my duty to make you aware of some of the random truths that exist. The first and most important truth is about crocodiles:

Crocodiles:

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Who can tell you the truth about old people better than young people? Here are what some pre-schoolers think about old people:

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The truth about why Tracy is wrong:

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The truth about youth drinking problems:

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The truth about the extinction of stick people:

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The truth about Machiavelli:

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The truth about Mario’s “adventures”:

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The truth about the end of the world:

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That’s all for today kids. Just to update you on the situation: I’ve already used up 15% of the space wordpress gave me because I’m posting so many pictures. I’m trying to find a solution. Flickr, maybe? I’d appreciate any help you could give me (help is accepted in the forms of good advice, cash or gold).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pick a who? Picature!

June 3, 2007

Today, is not shaping up to be a good day. The weather sucks ass (dusty as hell). I really wanted to bitch somebody out but decided to contain myself, and now the frustration is just brewing in the depths of my fuddled mind. Oooo…. fuddle thats a funny word *teehee*

Here are some pictures for y’all to enjoy:

Pornaments:

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Some crazy coffins:

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I always knew sheep were crazy motherfuckers. And now I have proof: Below are some pictures from the horror movie “Black Sheep” (I HAVE to see this movie!):

Killer sheep attacking an innocent man:

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Shhhh… its…in…the…house:

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Aggggghhhh!

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Evil sheep feasting on bloody human remains:

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An ovisophobic (sheep-o-phobia) being attacked by a mutant lamb (This is freaking hilarious to me! I can just hear him screaming “Ahhhhhhh!!!!! Get off me you bastard!” )

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Mr. Mutant Lamb on my shoulder:

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