If you eat kleenex would that be a problem?

May 29, 2007

As I sit here, at work, my ADD mind can’t help but think if people ate tissues they’d have more fiber in their diet. And tissues are probably really easy to flavor and they’re probably low in calories. Its quickly becoming clear that this is a very marketable idea, don’t you think? But it would probably be really nasty if you ate one of those lotion filled tissues by mistake. And just think of all the cool shapes you could make with the tissues…. wow this world is still filled with so many amazing things that need to be invented: And I think I just came up with one of them – flavored tissues. YUM!

 Here’s some pictures for y’all:

 Go go gay spiderman!

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What Darth Vader does in his spare time:

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Hell yeah!

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I wonder if this is true? Hmmmm…

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My toof hurts….. Cocaine! Cocaine!

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An actual playboy website ad:

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This is an actual magazine- Guys, does this turn you on? It doesn’t? What the hell is wrong with you?!

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Alright, enough uneducational pictures for you kids for today. Keeping up with our invention theme, I’m now going to educate you on some of mankind’s greatest inventions – various methods of execution. Yaaaaay!
 

Method: Crushing by Elephant
Deadly Debut: India, 4,000 years ago. (It’s probably older, but recorded history doesn’t go back that far.)

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Pachyderms aren’t natural-born killers. However, with a little training (often involving practice coconuts), they’ll gladly stomp on the head of a criminal. The ancient ritual, which spread nearly everywhere elephants were found, was still in use as recently as the early years of British colonization. Crushings were usually public spectacles administered by abnormally large elephants – just in case the audience didn’t find the sight of an angry Dumbo squashing a human head scary enough.

Method: Ling Chi
Deadly Debut: China, around the beginning of the Song Dynasty (10th century C.E.)

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Outlawed in 1905, the Chinese practice known as “death by a thousand cuts” involved binding a victim to a pole and carving into his or her arms, torso, and legs. Strangely enough, while “ling chi” translates to “degrading and slow,” it’s also the name of a fungus known as “the mushroom of immortality.”

Method: Cave of Roses
Deadly Debut: Sweden, during the Middle Ages (circa the 13th century C.E.)

Snakes in a cave! Part execution, part nightmare, the Cave of Roses required locking victims in a dark cave filled with a smorgasbord of venomous creatures and other unpleasant creatures. With no way to escape and no way to see, the condemned knew it was only a matter of time before their movements provoked some creepy crawly to deliver a fatal bite. The Cave of Roses was finally abolished in 1772, and fortunately, Sweden grew a lot more enlightened with time. Exactly 200 years later, it became one of the first major European nations to ban the death penalty completely.

Method: Spanish Donkey (or Wooden Horse)
Deadly Debut: Spain, 17th century

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Used both for torture and execution, the donkey was a big hit in the Spanish military. A naked victim was forced to straddle the apparatus, which was basically a vertical wood board with a sharp V-shape wedge on top. Weights were attached to the offenders’ ankles or feet, pulling them down onto the sturdy wedge until the victims split in two. Despite the name no (non-human) animals were harmed in the making of this device.

That’s enough for today. I’d really like it if you kids would comment and let me know what you think is cool. Do you like the gruesome stuff I put up, or is it too much for you weak people? TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!

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One Response to “If you eat kleenex would that be a problem?”

  1. Alia said

    you want a comment? EW! is my comment on that last device. makes me want to gag…yekh. but hte stella awards are great :)

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