Some Darwin Awards

May 31, 2007

Hi there kids! Sorry I’m posting kinda late, but Ive been working (I actually work sometimes you know). Before I post up the darwin awards I need to update you on a few things. First and foremost, Polish politicians voted this month to ban all pornography, how sad :(

Secondly, I might have a hard time posting this Sunday because I think I’m not going to have a computer here at work (I’m getting kick-off the desk I’m sitting at –Loooooong story). Anyway, don’t panic you’ll get your fix of Randomness once i can hook it up. Oooo I feel like a crack dealer and it feels good.

And now without further delay some 1999 darwin award nominations:

GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use bungee cords straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “major trauma.” An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand-gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.

DON’T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: “HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!” Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there’s a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual “walking and talking” when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the Gas Company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as “bright” by his peers.

And some more nominees:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a “farm type truck.” Burns got a friend to drive
the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns’ clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns “wrapped in the
drive shaft.”

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for his Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building’s windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted the demonstration of window strength according to police
reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest” members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No. 5: [“The News of the Weird”] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina’s electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 6: [“The Indianapolis Star”]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was
killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff’s investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents’ rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning
a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

I need to post atleast one picture each post (for my illiterate fans). This one is of chinese woman that looks alomost identical to Mao Zedong. Remember kids, you saw it here first!

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Uncanny, eh?

Ok some real world updates for you kids:

A Vertu boutique has opened yesterday in the Salhiya Complex. I was going to go but attending boutique openings is SO last year, and I had promised a friend of mine I would do something beautiful with him (if you really know me you know what I’m talking about).

Secondly, I just got a menu of a restuarant called “Abou Shakra” which is a famous Egyptian restuarant chain. They have things like bird tongue soup and Ouzi – NOT to be confused with Ouzo. The restuarant is in Firwaniya. 

Anyway, I’m not sure what to post today. We have some Darwin Awards, Stella Awards, and tons of pictures. But I don’t want to overwhelm you so I’ll post the Stella Awards along with some pictures.  Enjoy yourselves, but remember to always use a condom!

Stella Awards

It’s time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella’s are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year’s candidates:

1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hub caps.

4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son.

7. This year’s favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner’s manual that he couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

Wow, there are so many retarded people on this planet making so much money. But don’t worry kids because tomorrow I’ll post some Darwin Awards that will make you feel that this world is a better place.

And now, for some pictures. Yaaaaaaay! Pictures!

Hamster-fight!!!:

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Teeeheee- you silly dyslexic people!:

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Forgive me father for I have sinned….Mmmmmm…*choke*:

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Why I tell people to avoid tanning excessively:

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This last one is for Flava!

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As I sit here, at work, my ADD mind can’t help but think if people ate tissues they’d have more fiber in their diet. And tissues are probably really easy to flavor and they’re probably low in calories. Its quickly becoming clear that this is a very marketable idea, don’t you think? But it would probably be really nasty if you ate one of those lotion filled tissues by mistake. And just think of all the cool shapes you could make with the tissues…. wow this world is still filled with so many amazing things that need to be invented: And I think I just came up with one of them – flavored tissues. YUM!

 Here’s some pictures for y’all:

 Go go gay spiderman!

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What Darth Vader does in his spare time:

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Hell yeah!

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I wonder if this is true? Hmmmm…

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My toof hurts….. Cocaine! Cocaine!

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An actual playboy website ad:

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This is an actual magazine- Guys, does this turn you on? It doesn’t? What the hell is wrong with you?!

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Alright, enough uneducational pictures for you kids for today. Keeping up with our invention theme, I’m now going to educate you on some of mankind’s greatest inventions – various methods of execution. Yaaaaay!
 

Method: Crushing by Elephant
Deadly Debut: India, 4,000 years ago. (It’s probably older, but recorded history doesn’t go back that far.)

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Pachyderms aren’t natural-born killers. However, with a little training (often involving practice coconuts), they’ll gladly stomp on the head of a criminal. The ancient ritual, which spread nearly everywhere elephants were found, was still in use as recently as the early years of British colonization. Crushings were usually public spectacles administered by abnormally large elephants – just in case the audience didn’t find the sight of an angry Dumbo squashing a human head scary enough.

Method: Ling Chi
Deadly Debut: China, around the beginning of the Song Dynasty (10th century C.E.)

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Outlawed in 1905, the Chinese practice known as “death by a thousand cuts” involved binding a victim to a pole and carving into his or her arms, torso, and legs. Strangely enough, while “ling chi” translates to “degrading and slow,” it’s also the name of a fungus known as “the mushroom of immortality.”

Method: Cave of Roses
Deadly Debut: Sweden, during the Middle Ages (circa the 13th century C.E.)

Snakes in a cave! Part execution, part nightmare, the Cave of Roses required locking victims in a dark cave filled with a smorgasbord of venomous creatures and other unpleasant creatures. With no way to escape and no way to see, the condemned knew it was only a matter of time before their movements provoked some creepy crawly to deliver a fatal bite. The Cave of Roses was finally abolished in 1772, and fortunately, Sweden grew a lot more enlightened with time. Exactly 200 years later, it became one of the first major European nations to ban the death penalty completely.

Method: Spanish Donkey (or Wooden Horse)
Deadly Debut: Spain, 17th century

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Used both for torture and execution, the donkey was a big hit in the Spanish military. A naked victim was forced to straddle the apparatus, which was basically a vertical wood board with a sharp V-shape wedge on top. Weights were attached to the offenders’ ankles or feet, pulling them down onto the sturdy wedge until the victims split in two. Despite the name no (non-human) animals were harmed in the making of this device.

That’s enough for today. I’d really like it if you kids would comment and let me know what you think is cool. Do you like the gruesome stuff I put up, or is it too much for you weak people? TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!

This first guy takes cappucinos and creates designs out of the foam on top. Impressive. But not quite as impressive as my ability to …..”*bleep* we interrupt this post to bring you a random thought: this morning I ate a cucumber, drank laban, and drank some tea (with milk), and now I have this intense taste of wine-gums in my mouth and its annoying the shit out of me. My taste buds are fucked up. *bleep*”

So anyway like I was saying, ch-ch-check out the cappuncino art below – TIMMY!

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This next guy constructs things out of eggs. This guy should use his abilities to build houses for poor people and they could occasionally eat part of their houses when they get hungry. Ofcourse poor people are kind of retarded (TIMMY!)  so they’d probably grab an egg from the center of the house and the whole thing would collapse, and kill them all. Muhahahaha!!!! That would be really amusing; death by egg *deep sigh*. Anyway:

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In case you haven’t noticed, I say things that might offend people sometimes. But the shit I say doesn’t come close to offensive when compared to what I heard yesterday- WARNING; YOU MAY FIND THE FOLLOWING OFFENSIVE:

So, I was talking to a friend of mine (this guy is still in his teens btw) and the discussion turned to the topic of gay people. Now, my friend is not only homophobic, he feels violent, angry, and nauseous when gay people are even mentioned. I told him that he has to mellow out his reaction to gay people. You know what he said: “You know what I feel like doing when I see a gay person, I want to scream “Fag! Go back to Africa!””

What the fuck?!!!! That is so wrong and messed up on so many levels that I couldn’t help bursting into laughter. I mean, holy shit! How the hell did he come up with that?! God damn. I just can’t say anything more about it than…. I find that fucking HILARIOUS.

I’ve decided to tell people that piss me off to “go back to Africa” from now on.

Lets switch it up from random event to random discovery. Have you ever smelled Pufak? That shit smells NASTY! Smell it! Thanks to baby Pedro daddy for the discovery!

I have a feeling y’all are feeling down from the “Go back to Africa” story. Which I feel you just have to know. So to cheer you up I’ll give you a piece of advice and some more pictures.

The advice: Get over it.

The pictures:

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Time to go kids! Until tomorrow!

And remember kids: Don’t smoke crack, lick it.

Randomness

May 27, 2007

Today’s post has no theme. Yes, I have the power to do such things. I have some funny comics and some NSFW pictures. And I’m going to post these pictures right now, AT WORK. *dum dum dum dum!*You know why? Cuz thats how I roll. I live dangerously. Its amazing I’m still alive you know.  

 

ENJOY!

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My mama always told me “Life is like a box of chocolates” “Don’t play with your food”. I think she was afraid THIS would happen:

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Boob in a can!

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Nasty tatooo ( Why on earth would somebody get a tatoo of a womans hairy….. shall we say; punani? Is it supposed to be cool? sexy? or funny? It’s completely beyond me)

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And now for some of my favorite comics:

This first one is for my jew friend, “——-berg”. This comic gives you one good reason to convert back from Judaism:

Click Jew comic for first comic.

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Dr. Suess and child abuse:- I just KNOW that this is how I’m going to treat my kids :

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For more Cyanide and Happiness comics click the thumbnails!

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After playing with my kitty today (for you dirty minded people- I mean my kitty that meows)  I decided that today’s post will be about animals. They really are funny things. My kitten is just insane. It attacks its tail ALL THE TIME. Retard. I should have called him – you guessed it – TIMMY!

Anyway,  here are some pictures of cute animals. And oh yeah, I’m thinking of starting a section on my thoughts on the world (be warned, many of my thoughts are blasphemous, innapropriate, and strange). I’ll let y’all know when I have it up. I don’t update on my weekends (just to let you know).

Awwww….

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 Can you guess what this is?…….. It’s a baby panda!

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Follow the leader:

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Bring It! —– Oh, its brung!

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Alien furball from outerspace:

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Mmmmmm…. Weed

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Dayum!

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Pimp my camel – Its the Arab way, son!:

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Yoda dog I am:

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Now for some pictures of truly tiny animals:

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Wanna fanta?

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Cool Ads… Etc.

May 23, 2007

Here are some interesting ads and stuff for y’all:

 Cool BIC razor ad:

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 Air Conditioning Ad- Ewww (fake I’m assuming):

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HUUUUGE Adidas Ad:

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Ford Mustang Ad:

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Max Factor Water-Proof Mascara Ad (when it rains, and the ad gets wet, the mascara runs):

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S-Class Mercedes Ad – In the middle it says “8 airbags”:

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Bread Ad – Can you kids say “Sexual Innuendo“:

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Push-Up Bra Ad:

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Jewellery Ad:

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BMW Ad:

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Absolut Ads – The first one I find to be visually beautiful:

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And ofcourse we need an Axe effect ad:

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And now for a random retarded (TIMMY!) comic:

Beastie Boys:

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I love Cyanide and Happiness (the comic above).  If you like it too you can check it out at Explosm.net

Like a Virgin…..

May 23, 2007

Apparently, there was this shark that gave birth in captivity; regardless of the fact that it had no contact with any males.  Check out the full BBC story:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6681793.stm

“Whatever, that shark was a ho for sho. She just don’t know who her baby daddy is which is why she claimin’ to be a virgin. Ho.”

I have to say that because that is exactly what people said to me when I had my baby and told them I was a virgin (well half-virgin, maybe). I live in a ghetto, you know, where there are such terms as “baby-daddy” and “half-virgin”. And remember ladies, even if you lose your physical virginity you will always have your MENTAL virginity *unagi sign to temple*.

Thanks to my jew friend for the tip!

Some Random Pictures

May 22, 2007

 Japanese metro sign…..

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 Poor duckies……….

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 Bringing sexy back…..

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Mmmmm…..Tasty!!!!!!!

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The fashion item every girl has got to have: Hoochie Jeans!

(I just KNOW that I’m going to see some ho wearing these in Marina someday)

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You know its true……… TIMMY!!!!!

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Its true: God is kinda square…..

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Bad table! Bad, bad table! (This is a real piece of furniture)

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Seriously…. WTF?

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Mmmmmm…… Murder……

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So apparently, they discovered a new species of feline, its called the Clouded Leopard. But see the thing it is technically not a leopard. Its as different from a leopard (genetically) as a lion is from a tiger. Why’d they call it a leopard then? I don’t know.

In my professional and divine opinion, there already exists a group of creatures that are distinct from all others: they’re call Pokemon. I think I should email the Society of Animal Lineage and Names and recommend that this creatures name be changed to the Clouded Pokemon, post haste!

Here is a photo of the “leopard” follow the link below it to learn more about this rare pokemon. And don’t be fooled by the retarded appearance of the animal; for this creature officially has the longest canine teeth of any feline:

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http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6452555.stm

 

Brutal Soft Toys

May 21, 2007

Below are some picture of some “different” stuffed-toys.

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I am sooooooo getting the teddy-bear (above) for my kids. I know exactly how I’d use it too. It would go a little something like this: “Jasoom! I thought I told you to go brush your teeth? You know what happens to little boys who don’t listen to their mothers? Huh? Teddy, here *show Jasoom the bear*, didn’t listen to his mother and look at what happened to him. Jasoom, will you listen to mommy?….. C’mon stop crying now, teddy will be okay if you go brush your teeth.  There’s a good boy!”

Ahh…… fear is such an effective parenting tool (I learnt that from Dr. Phil, you know).

Supuzzle

May 20, 2007

This puzzle is driving me crazy! Check it out. You will have my highest blessings if you solve it. And remember I am a prophet so my blessings are credible.

 WWW.SUPUZZLE.COM

The Start

May 20, 2007

This is the start of The Chronicles of Random (TCOR). I am the Prophet of Random. It is my divine duty to enlighten you with my great thoughts and ramblings (along with stuff I find while Stumbling Upon the internet). Enjoy!