Resurrected

I have now officially moved to:

The Chronicles of Random: Resurrection

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Its not the finished product but it’ll do for now.

**Update: I fixed the link

I just had to put this up…

 

Can you feel it?

Hello children! You can feel it, cant you? I know you can. Its in the pit of your stomach and in the back of your mind. You know its coming: That’s right! Its vacation time! Woohooo! *Conga Line!*

Ahhh… there’s nothing better than the feeling that you wont have to come back to the misery of office life for a while. No more annoying bosses, no more faggoty tea boys, no more… well, atleast for a few days anyway.

Its Eid! The end of the holy month. Which, unfortunately, also means the end of short work days. I don’t know if I can go back to regular work hours. Waking up at 7:00? Damn! Thats just plain evil, especially, when I know that I’m just waking up to go and waste my time (time which could be used sleeping) at a retarded job. *Sigh* But who cares about that now? For the next 4 days there’s no such thing as work!!!

So then: Happy Eid to all – just don’t get too drunk.

 

Bird Flu Outbreak in Disneyland

I’d be scared

I love barbeque

In case you haven’t seen it: The Landlord

 

 

 

For some reason this is funny to me- The dino seems sincere

 

 

 

Kung Fu Baby – He’s real…

 

Golly!

Golly, you guys! This whole website thing is too darn complicated for a simpleton like me. So the best thing is to get Dreamhost then? Uhhhh…. I’ll have to consult more people before I make a big decision that costs 8 KD a year. Money doesn’t grow on trees you know!

Actually, I wish it were stinginess that makes me hesitate, I’m just too lazy to try and work a whole new system that is possibly more of a hassle than wordpress (which is kinda retarded to start with). So you guys are going to have to bear with me. Be patient my children… await the goodness and merriment that is in the near future.

To 6aman all of you, I got a blood test today and I’m negative for diabetes! Hooray! Kit-kats for everyone! Hoora!

The doctor I saw thinks I have “exhaustion” though. Which I don’t really buy seeing as I don’t exactly exert myself in any way. But then again exhaustion can result from mental stress. What’s stressing me? I don’t know. But I’m really sensitive, I cry when people use antibacterial- I can hear the bacteria screaming *sob*.

Lol, anyway its a stress free life for me from now on! I think I need to work on improving my sleeping environment. I think I haven’t been sleeping well. Sleep is one of the most important things in my life. And when I don’t sleep well or enough everything falls apart. Must sleep more. Its time to go pillow shopping. Where do they sell good pillows? I want nice puffy fluffy ones that you sink into. Like the ones they have in those swishy-swashy hotels *dream*. That’s exactly what I need! A good pillow, warm blanket, my couch, and one of the following playing on TV:

1. Golf Channel
2. Weather Channel
3. Japanese News

Any one of the above programs are guaranteed to put you to sleep. Japanese news is the best because you can’t understand a word that they say so you don’t concentrate on it. And even if they are talking about an earthquake that killed a thousand people, the Japanese always say it quietly, calmly, and soothingly: they’ll never disturb your drift into sleep.

Anyway, enough of that talk for now. Let me put up some random picture and use up the remaining 4%.

An Actual Sign

 

 

Wonderfully Evil Funeral Home Ad

 

 

Ouch! “Horrendous Injuries”

 

 

WTF?

 

Lol

 

 

Now he’s gonna do things to her *gasp*

Fake Bake

Hi there kids. So yesterday, I don’t know why, but I decided that I was going to try one of those self-tanner cream things. What do you guys think? Shall I try it and risk going oompa loompa? Or shall I stick with my lovely ghostly pale complexion?

Anyway, enough of my intoxicating beauty and on with the show!

First, do we have a decent public library here in Kuwait? I mean one with a variety of books (including a large English selection)? Let me know if there is. Because frankly there are some damn nice libraries out there. And you’d think with the budget surplus that Kuwaiti government has they could afford to build an nice one, but then again you’d think they could afford to build new generators for electricity too…. retards. TIMMY!

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And now for the radiology picture of the day!

“Craniosynostosis is premature closure of the cranial sutures. The skull shape undergoes characteristic changes depending on which suture(s) close early. The sagittal suture is most commonly involved, where lateral growth of the skull is arrested while anteroposterior growth continues, producing a narrow elongated skull known as scaphocephaly (meaning boat-shaped) or dolichocephaly. Causes are primary, or secondary to certain haematologic disorders, metabolic disorders, bone dysplasias and syndromes. There is a 3:1 male predominance. Treatment is cranioplasty.”

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Let’s see…. hmmm… what’s next? How about a joke (not the best one) but it make you say damn!

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.”

The second man said, “My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.”

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?”

The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar.” The other three men grew silent as he continued, “I’m not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.”

Imagine how retarded those fathers must be feeling right about then. Damn!

Oooo! Ooo! I know, what comes next! It’s the story of this guy fired within two days of getting hired. This man is a genius. I should do what he does t seems like a blast! This is what he did:

1) He picked up every bottle of paint we were putting away and asked “Can I drink this?”
2) He used large, $30-40 tubes of paint as mini baseball bats. He also liked to juggle EVERY bottle within reach–when told some bottles are glass he said “I never drop ‘em”.
3) He slid down the banisters of our main staircase after being told repeatedly NOT to do so (even when threatened with termination),
4) He was caught balancing with one foot on top of a ladder yelling “look at me!!!!” (Lucky fool–he could have been killed–proof that God DOES protect idiots)
5) He singled out one male employee and shook his hand EACH and EVERY time he passed this person.
6) He bummed 10-15 dollars total from a bunch of people HIS FIRST DAY, claiming it was “for lunch” (No—we don’t talk to each other, we couldn’t find out he was doing this–DUH!!!!)
7) He shamelessly raided the refrigerator (which has become a no-food zone b/c of previous thefts)
8) He harassed ANYTHING female, verbally and with gestures.
9) He used the U-boat carts as his own private demolition racer/skateboard/stepstool, and crashed into EVERYTHING. Including our store managers ankles.
10) We found out he’d had FOUR previous jobs since LAST NOVEMBER….(this was March) Gawd, would I love to hear their stories …so WHY did my store hire him?
11) He just plain STUNK. Mighty B-O He claimed to be a Bible-thumper, but apparently missed the expression “cleanliness is next to Godliness”. Guess showering and deodorant were against his religion.
12) He offered a “lap dancing lesson” to a male employee.
13) He told male employee “A” that MALE employee “B” was thought he was hot, and vice versa. Just to see what would happen. Yes, both “A” and “B” were straight. Unfunny nonetheless.

14) He asked EVERYBODY if they play an instrument, and regardless of the response, he said “I play my skin-flute.” Loud.

Loooooooooooool! Kick ass! *sigh* I wish I could do that!

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You know what time it is by now… so let’s GET IT ON!

Aaaaaaaagh! My eye!

 

Neighborhood Slut = Chirp’s Cat

(I’m so mean!)

 

For the one you love

 

Tic-Tac-Toe

 

Praise Ron Jeremy

 

Its agreed

 

If you’re happy and you know it..

The nerd version

 

Nooooo!

 

No seriously, I do

 

Looool

 

Comics

 

 

Dogs bark when they’re hungry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anal Sphincter? And mom, why isn’t the soap foaming up?

What is an anal sphincter? I’m not quite sure, but you know that I’m going to look it up! Why? Because this guy had to go under general anaesthesia in the lithotomy position, get a dilatation of anal sphincter to make per rectum retrieval successful. Retrieval of what?

They don’t say what it is, but it looks like he stuck a axe deo spray can up his ass. Man this would be a great ad to put up for axe for all the freaks out there. Axe: The Axe Effect

Got it…. The Sphincter ani externus (external anal sphincter) is a flat plane of muscular fibers, elliptical in shape and intimately adherent to the integument surrounding the margin of the anus.

Basically, its the muscles that control when you take a shit. You savvy?

And with that I’m proud to introduce to you The Radiology Picture of The Day! Yaaay! I’m going to regularly check radiology websites and see if I can find any intersting x-rays and share them with all of you! Aren’t you lucky?

Let’s take a look at another one, just for fun!

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Time for a random story:

Two drunk men arrested for driving same vehicle

Marshfield News-Herald

Two Dorchester men were arrested for operating the same vehicle while intoxicated in the Colby-Abbotsford area.

Harvey J. Miller, 43, who has no legs, was steering the 1985 Chevrolet truck from the driver’s seat while Edwin H. Marzinske, 55, operated the break and gas pedals, according to the police report.

They were headed northbound on Hiline Avenue in Abbotsford when police pulled them over at 2:40 a.m. Saturday, Aug. 18.

Miller admitted he was too drunk to drive but argued he wasn’t operating the vehicle because he couldn’t push the pedals. Miller was issued a citation for a third drunk driving offense, while Marzinske was cited for a second. Both men were also cited for operating after revocation.

A third drunk man in the vehicle walked himself home after the incident.

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In other news…. which I think might be proof of global warming or proof that Starbucks is taking over the world (and dumping its froth on people):

“Foam swallowed an entire beach and half the nearby buildings, including the local lifeguards’ centre, in a freak display of nature at Yamba in New South Wales. One minute a group of teenage surfers were waiting to catch a wave, the next they were swallowed up in a giant bubble bath. The foam was so light that they could puff it out of their hands and watch it float away.

Scientists explain that the foam is created by impurities in the ocean, such as salts, chemicals, dead plants, decomposed fish and excretions from seaweed. These elements are churned together by powerful currents which cause the water to form bubbles. These bubbles stick to each other as they are carried below the surface by the current towards the shore and as a wave starts to form on the surface, the motion of the water causes the bubbles to swirl upwards, mass together and form foam.

The foam wall stretched for 30 miles out into the Pacific in a phenomenon not seen at the beach for more than three decades.”

Wow… that seems like so much fun! I would love to jump into huge amounts of foam! Actually, as far back as I can remember, I’ve always dreamt that my house was ceiling full of water and you’d have to swim to get from room to room. *sigh* Childhood dreams.

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I saw these pictures and I just had to put them up! Enjoy!

 

Mom!! Why isn’t the soap foaming up?!

 

I love how the faucet handles are balls! loool!

A holy bathroom to remove the sin from

all the devil’s work you just saw

 

Now for random non-themed pictures:

 

And a comic in memory of Sept. 11….

 

Alright thats enough for today! See you all tomorrow. Maybe. I mean its Ramadan. And nobody works in Ramadan. So why should I? Ta ta!

 

PS: None of you reminded me to post about aliens and judgement day! What use are you?! Next time, I’m taking you out into the garden with my shotgun and I’m…. Nooo! Old Yeller!!!!!!!!!!

PSS: I was in a rush today that’s why todays post is extra random.

 

PSSS: All penis pictures are dedicated to Tooomz. It’s payback time baby!

Updates

Three posts in one day – you lucky bastards!

I just wanted to update you on somethings. First of all, apparently qamar al- deen is made of apricots, so oops. And another thing is I’m going to change my ringtone to the theme from Dexter, it’s something to help you all identify me. So if you hear the theme from Dexter playing do the following and I will respond with the code word of “Wan-wan-Nyao-nyao-Piyo-Piyo” and that way you would know that you have met the divine Prophet of Random!

So anyway this is what you do: Come up to me and say “Hey baby, you smell kinda nice, wanna smell me?” and then snort really really loud. Then I’ll follow with the code word.

If I don’t respond with the code: you came up to the wrong person. And you’re probably going to get slapped or kicked in the balls. Good luck with that.

And lastly, I searched horny horoscopes on Google. This is the closest thing I came up with:

LEO (that’s me!)

Dominant in relationships. Horny. Freak in bed.
Always want the last word. Quiet. Caring. Smart.

CANCER
Very sexy. Talkative.
Energetic. Sarcastic.Flirt. Outstanding kisser

PISCES
Caring. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy,
DAMN IT.
Very high sex appeal. Freak in bed. Kind. Humble.
Trustworthy. Has the last word.

LIBRA
Very gentle. Nice. Love is one of a kind.
Have own unique sexiness.
Great in Bed. Good kisser !!!

CAPRICORN
Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future.
Irrestible, awesome kisser. Great talker.
Always gets what he or she wants.

AQUARIUS
Trustworthy. Sexy. Rare to find. Loves being
in long relationships. Extremly energetic.
Amazing in bed, the BEST lovers.

ARIES
Outgoing. Spontanious. No one to f*ck with.
Have own unique sexiness. Unpredictable. Erotic.
Funny. Addictive. Take you on trips to the moon in
bed.

TAURUS
Aggressive. freak in bed. rare to find. loves
being in long relationships. Likes to give a good
fight for what they want.
Extremly outgoing. Outstanding kisser.

GEMINI
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners
Very Good in bed. Lover not a Fighter But
Still Punch Your Lights Out .Trustworthy

VIRGO
Great talker. Sexy. Always Horny.
Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Great kisser.

SCORPIO
Predict future. Most erotic.
Very high sex appeal. Great in bed.

SAGITARIUS
Spontanious. Horny. Sexy. Funny. High sex
appeal.
good in bed. Rare to find. Energetic. Good when
found. Great kisser. Loves being in long
relationships

Shows and Zubbles

I’ve recently concluded that I have become ADD and not just to get my hands on some kiddy cocaine (adderall). I cannot concentrate on anything. Everything I’m around is a mess (I can’t stay on any task long enough do things fully, like clean up). Another thing is I have a hard time reading now. Before, I used to read like a…. a…. bird… um no… wait…. what reads alot? Ummmm…. a scanner! I used to read like a HP digital scanner, but now I can’t read for Scandinavian rat shit. I hate it, its really pissing me off, I really need to get it fixed.

Anyway, the one thing that I can concentrate on for a somewhat prolonged period of time is television (and even that not as much as I used to). The point off this whole rant is to tell you that there are some pretty interesting TV shows out there:

• Dexter – This show is majorly fucked up, I loooooooove it!

• MXC (Most Extreme Elimination Challenge) – I guarantee that you will laugh your nuts off.

• House M.D. – Perfection

• Weeds – Mary-Kate Olsen is supposed to be joining the cast, I wonder how that’s going to be. She’s probably going to play a coked out vampire chick.

• Heroes – The girl from Veronica Mars is going to be joining the cast.

• The Hills – I’m ashamed to admit this, but The Hills has grown on me. I’m addicted to the stupidity and drama. You might ask what has the cast of The Hills been up to lately (this is specifically for Chirp- from thesuperficial)

LC

 

LC with a gorgeous bodied male *humana humana*

 

“Lauren Conrad is very famous:

 

Lauren Conrad and some other people from The Hills were spotted frolicking on the beach. Which is news, because, you know, one time Lauren totally kissed Jason and then Heidi was all, “I can’t believe she did that” but she did, and then she ordered a latte and got a tan. So see? Famous. Man, how does she handle the pressures of being her? She’s like a monolith.”

 

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In more entertainment news, the cast of heroes is in Paris. The only reason I care is because it means more pictures of Milo (damn that boy be fine!). Hayden Panty-whatever is cute too (you know she’s probably going to be in rehab by next year). Milo is kinda zoned out in this picture but whatever I’d do him anyway.

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You might be wondering at this point “What the hell are zubbles?”. They are only the coolest thing ever invented since the nipple clamp. They’re colored bubbles!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

Another not so cool invention is the crayon-scented cologne. Why you want to smell like crayons? Let’s think about this for a minute…. hmmmmm… I guess pedophiles could use it to attract kindergarteners. You know little stupid kids like Ralph from The Simpsons would go “*sniff sniff* That man smells like Red No.5. I love Crayola Red No. 5! It tastes yummy!”. What do you think? Why the hell would someone want to smell like crayons?

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As my good friends know, I’m a big fan of drugs. Prescription, herbal, legal, illegal, be it what it may. I’m alot better than I used to be in college (I was completely fucked most of the time). Now, don’t get the wrong idea about me, I’m no coke head. I used to be really sick, and American doctors love giving out meds. I was on 13 different types of meds at one point. And I was beyond gone. It was really fun at times, other times not so fun (stories of bad med trips are for another day). Anyway, I’ve quit taking meds and I’m trying to purify myself. But I still have to admit that I find drugs very interesting. So I just wanted to ask all of y’all opinion on whether you want this week to be drug week (just like C&H is doing). Whatcha think? Want drugs? Comments people, comments!

First Drug Comic of the Week

More Comics

Dirty Dirty Harry

Bad Choice of Words

 

Quote of the Day:

“Whatever, I’d do him anyway.” – Prophet of Random

That’s all for today kiddos!

 

PS: I just got called to do a voice-over for some company. You know “Please enter the extension number now or zero for operator assistance”. They saw me and said they needed a female voice so I said yes. They said other girls wouldn’t do it. Why the hell not? You’re not giving them your virginity just your voice and you don’t have to make sexual moan either. What the hell is wrong with the girls here. Stupid hos (no seriously, alot of the girls that work here are hos). Anyway, I recorded, I’m not sure if they’ll use it (my allergy-ridden nose makes my voice nasal). I’ll let you know if they use it so that you may all revel and be delighted in hearing your divine Prophet’s voice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tits!

Well start off today with some entertainment news:

Everybody’s favorite rude middle-schools are set to be with us until 2011. That’s right! South Park’s Comedy Central Contract has been renewed for a cool $75 Mil.

As Cartman would say “Tits!!!!”

In more entertainment news, French and Saunders (from Absolutely Fabulous) have a new series called A Bucket of French and Saunders. All you Ab Fab fans should probably check it out.

 

I don’t have time to post anything today: I’m researching grad schools (my ticket outta here!). Tralala!

 

*I know that some of you clicked on the Tits link thinking you’d land on some porn. Haha! Fooled you!

 

Orange Mocha Frappucino

I don’t really feel like posting today. I don’t feel like being at work either (but I am- although I showed up 3 hours late :) ). What I really want to be doing right now is sitting by a pristine pool, soaking up the sun’s rays, with an orange mocha frapuccino in my hand. It would be nice if there was a little Captain Morgan in the frappucino.
For all of you “hard at work” right now: close your eyes and imagine, just for a minute, that you’re tanning by a beautiful pool with a lil something-something in your drink. Close your eyes, I mean it! …….. now start imagining……………..

.

.

.

.

Now, wasn’t that nice?

*deep sigh* You know, there are so many better places you could be on earth than where you are. Do you know that? Now, now, I know that there are some of you over-patriotic, optimistic, enthusiastic, spastic, plastic, magic, lick, stick, anything-ic people who are saying “What?! No way! Kuwait is the bestest best bestest place ever! Gimme a K! Kay! Gimme a U! Yu! Gimme a W -”

Shut the fuck up and spare us your unrealistic fake patriotism. I have decided to become a citizen of Huvafen Fushi. Now, I don’t know if they can give me citizenship seeing as Huvafen Fushi is a resort. But I don’t care. I’m determined to become a citizen there. It’ll be so awesome: I’d get to say “Hi, I’m Prophet and I’m Huvafen Fushian. Where are you from?”

Why a Huvafen Fushi citizen? Because its a bloody amazing place! Thats why! It’s in the Maldives. Take a look:

Under-Water Spa

 

Go through the website and then tell me you’d rather be sitting in Nino or some shit like that.

Viva Huvafen Fushi!

Anyway, since I came in late, I don’t really have time to post anything really. So I’ll part with a couple of comics. The first is an interviewing tip to help all of you out there that are looking to get employed.

 

 

Oh yeah, I just remembered: I want to thank N. for the link yesterday (Perez Hilton actually posted about it too). Check it out:

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2007/08/26/4448856-ap.html

This is it:

Chocolate Milk and iPods

I have to say, I complain about my job alot, but the fact is there is one huge positive to working here: I get to do alot of shit and I get away with it.

Let me give you a more specific example:
My boss walks into my office to tell me that the HR manager was just in to see him. And my boss was telling him how impressed he was with me and how hardworking I am (teehheeee). And how I need to work twice as hard as everybody here because US KUWAITIS ARE THE FUTURE.

The whole “work hard, you are the future” is my boss’ usual rant. Okay. So what’s the big deal? The big deal is what I was doing when he walked in to tell me what I good worker I was.

 

I was sipping on my 123 KDD mini milk chocolate while listening to Get Crunk by Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys and I was getting really into it. I was so into it that I started dancing (kinda). Let’s just say that my dance was a modified version of the dance below:

I’m completely serious! You couldn’t make this shit up. I was sipping on my chocolate milk with my iPod on full blast, and shaking my shoulders when my boss walks in.
I was going to burst into laughter, but I just paused my iPod and put down my milk (stopped dancing too) and smiled at my boss. And my boss said nothing of it… he just told me what I already know: I’m awesome- and a kick-ass worker.

Loool…. man, I’m going to miss this place (kinda- well, not really).

Anyway, enough about me and my crazy adventures at work. It’s time to help all of you enjoy your mundane jobs. The best way to entertain yourself at work is with Faceball- a revolutionary new game!

 

 

Basically, you just throw balls at each others faces- it’s genius! Its especially fun if you play it with a co-worker that doesn’t know you’re playing! What fun!

For the official rules of Faceball and a score sheet click here.

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As you should all know by now, I enjoy things that are strange and disturbing. Which is why you shouldn’t piss me off because you know I’m not going to be a girly-girl and just go home and cry. I might cry for 5 minutes but while I’m sobbing I’m going to do something really fucked up to you.
For example, if my boyfriend cheated on me I wouldn’t just get upset, I’d get even. I’d sooo do what the woman below did.

Woman sets ex’s penis on fire

A Russian man is recovering after his ex-wife set fire to his penis.

The woman is reported to have lost her her temper as he sat watching TV – naked and sipping vodka.

It is not clear if the man will make a full recovery, reports Sky News.

“It was monstrously painful,” the injured man told reporters. “I was burning like a torch. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

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Ouch!!! That can’t be pleasant. Oh well, as they say: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”.

The penis-flambe story teaches us two very good lessons:

Lesson One: Ladies, there’s always a way to get even, so stop crying.

Lesson Two: Guys, you think it’s cool and pimp to fuck around with a lot of different girls, eh? Well, one day one of them is going to turn out to be insane and she’s going to set you’re dick on fire. In conclusion: Keep your dick in your pants, and it’ll be out of harm’s way.

What? What is that you guys are saying? I can’t hear you. TURN MY HEADPHONES UP! Uuhhhh!

Oh, oh, you want pictures? Okay. But you have to look at one nasty one first, okay?

OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

 

Disfigured Hand

 

How to Prepare a Kiwi

 

Go little piggy!

launchingpig-e35.jpg

 

Hot Dog Cake

 

Jesus Goes for the Gold!!

 

Concentration Camp

 

 

 

Danger, Prophet, Danger!

I just realized something…. something sad…. and, no, its not that Jenna Jameson took out her implants and is quitting porn (which will be discussed below). It’s something worse:

I might be quitting my job soon (which is great news!) but the thing is that the only time I really blog (or use the internet at all) is when I’m at work. Thusly, when I quit, it may be, just maybe, the end of The Chronicles of Random.

Don’t cry little ones, nothing is for sure. And anyway, every prophet tries to convey their message to the Good People and then, eventually, must come to an end.

Anyway, like I said, nothing’s for sure, so dry your eyes little retarded darlings and keep on reading! Because today’s edition of The Chronicles of Random starts off with some news from the adult movie world!

JENNA JAMESON QUITS MAKING PORN!

Now, I’m not one of those girls that believes all porn degrades women. I’m not going to say: Thank God, Jenna quit that horrid industry, and is now free to ride unicorns and shit. But I really am glad that JJ quit. “Why?” Are you seriously asking me that question? Have you seen her lately? She looks like a tall, disfigured oompa-loompa.
I won’t lie, she used to be hot. Used to be. But something happened to her. She had a freak accident with a mystic-tan machine and then for some reason she got a blind man to give her facial plastic surgery.

Before Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

After marinading in Mirinda for a year

Now, for you emos out there: this next part is going to be a little verbally graphic you may want to skip ahead:

I just know that there are a couple of you guys out there that are getting a getting horny while looking at the pictures above. And you’re imagining doing Jenna Jameson on your office desk. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Do you know what would happen if you stuck your dick in that? It would explode. And I don’t mean in an orgasmic sense. I mean it would literally explode. *Ka-boom*

-”What happended to your dick?”

-”I stuck it in Jenna Jameson”

-”Oh….. yeah, that was stupid.”

-”Yeah… I know.”

That is the conversation your going to be having with your VD doctor after the explosion. Seriously, that ho is nasty in every possible way! Yeeccchh!

Now stop looking at Jenna and rubbing your crotch, and go calm down: Go watch some Barney or something. But God, if you think Jenna Jameson is hot you’d probably want to stick it up Barney too. Go get some professional help, you sick bastard!

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In other news, something horrible has happened. Here’s the news from Geekologie:

“In one of the saddest turn of events I have read recently, some guy managed to secure a direct casting of Han Solo in carbonite from the original prop, and then had the face sawed off and replaced with a mold of his. This is in no way, shape, or form cool at all. What was this guy thinking? You have an iconic piece of one of the best movies of all time, and you go and deface it (literally). He probably has the Holy Grail chalice from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade too, but decided it wasn’t cool enough and had to glue plastic rhinestones on it and write “Pimp Juice” on the side with puffy paint. “

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Picture time!!

Lolcat!

 

What if a lolcat wrote the bible? Hmmmmm…..

 

Why you should get the warranty….

 

Protein Diet

 

God

 

What to do if you encounter a mountain lion:

 

Segway-Beta

 

They’re making a He-Movie you know:

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Comics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The break up

 

??

 

This last one is for my Jew friend: Foofy

 

 

 

 

“Working”

Most of you that read this blog “work” somewhere or other. I thought that this post I’d give you somethings to do during those inevitable moments of boredom.

#1: Make a paper pope to put on your desk. Make sure to make it says blasphemous things so that you can offend your Catholic co-workers.

Just click on the thumbnail, print it, and follow the instructions:

 

#2: Download some new music for your iPod. Where? Take a look here.

# 3: Adopt an office-pet. I talked to my co-workers about getting an office pet to brighten the place up… they didn’t really take me seriously *grumble*. I’ll show them…..

You know what pet I’ve always wanted: a piglet (even before The Simpsons Movie)

They’re cute and…..ummmm…. we’ll they’re cute:

What’re the piggies doing with the tiger?

“In a zoo in California , a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth.

The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother’s cubs, perhaps she would improve.

After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veter inarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only orphans” that could be found quickly, were a litter of weaner pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger” and she accepted them as her cubs.

#4: Start a high school dating website like this one. Knowing the little hos and retards in our schools these days. Alot of people are going to want to join and if you charge registration fee… let’s just KA-CHING! And then you can quit your boring job and live off of the sluttiness of today’s tore-up-from-the-floor-up youth.

*Knowing, you, my readers, I know you tried to access the profile of the underage girls to see how hot they are. You sick bastards! And I’m sure you discovered that the site is an April Fools joke…. but just imagine if it was real.

#5: Search online for a costume that you can wear to your next fancy dress party. Here are some recommendations:

#5: Look up every Sanchez in any US yellowpages you want. Then call each one up and say the following (I actually came up with this based on the picture below):

You: Hello

Sanchez: Hello

You: Is this Mr. Sanchez?

Sanchez: Yes, this is he.

You: Is this Mr. Sanchez? Mr. Dirty Sanchez? *giggle giggle*

Sanchez: *hangs up phone*

#6: Well, there are alot more things you could do to entertain yourself and waste time… reading this blog is one of them.

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Time for more pictures:

 

 

Delicious!

 

This next one I feel really represents me:

 

Real Chinese Doritos

 

 

So wonderfully mean!!!

 

 

Shut your whore mouth! (Obviously a Ghetto Kuwaiti cat)

 

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

 

 

Duck, Duck, Goose!

 

Quote of the Day:

Life is sexually transmitted.

PS: I don’t know why wordpress insists on putting a huge empty gap at the end of my posts. How do I stop it? How do I stop the madness?! This is madness!

Before any of you says it, I’ll say it first:

Madness? Madness? This is SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *kick*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Initiative

So I’m sure you all know about the earthquake. Now, I’m not going to tell you about how I felt it or what I was doing the moment it hit (I’m not that type of TIMMY blogger), I mean who cares. I have a matter of higher importance to convey to you:

It is so obvious that Kuwait is completely unprepared for any type of real disaster. We’re lucky that it was just a 4.3 quake. But I know (because I am Prophet) that soon enough there’s going to be a nasty-ass quake that will devastate this nation. And ofcourse the government will be of no help during this disaster because they waste their money and time on shit like Tarsheed. So beware one and all, and be prepared.

Actually, I want to warn you of and prepare you for a disaster even worse than that of a massive quake. It is my duty to save as many of you as I can so I have to tell you that you must be prepared for the worst disaster of all: that’s right, a zombie attack.

Don’t be afraid. You can survive, if you just know what to do. I’ve found a comprehensive guide to help you out:

Zombie Preparedness Initiative

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Everybody knows that God might be a large pasta, but now you can celebrate His noodley appendage with a holy bath:]

 

 

HAKONE, Kanagawa — A “ramen bath” has been opened at Hakone Kowakien Yunessun, a local theme park and hot spa.

The bath, shaped like a ramen bowl, contains pepper-flavored water colored a light, milky brown, to like tonkotsu (pork bone) ramen soup. The special bath was created jointly by the theme park and a famous ramen shop, Nantsuttei in Hadano, Kanagawa Prefecture.

The bath was completed at the unveiling event, with the owner of Nantsuttei adding “noodles” made of bathwater additives into the tub.

The water contains collagen and garlic extracts, and theme park officials claim it can help produce beautiful skin and aid moisture retention.

What does the FSM say about holy baths?

“Blessed is he that reaches the pool first and the last one in-eth is a rotten eggeth”

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Got 250 Million Euros? Here’s what to do with it:

Buy it!

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Picture Time!:

Here are some things I want:

New Age Kick-Ass CD Player (DMP)

Leather Dragon Backpack

Durex Condom – The jeans kind

And of course- a boy that ties my cat up and vacuums it:

Now for random pictures:

I really wanna see this movie – Jason Statham is lickable *drool*

They’re having so much fun – weeeeeeeeeee!

True

For Chirp

This one’s a video GIF- wait for it:

 

 

 

 

 

Lysol and Tapeworms

I don’t really feel like typing about anything so let’s just stick with pictures for today.

For Feminine Hygiene

Get thin quick!

Remember lemmings?

Why hello there!….. WTF?!

What’s odd about this picture?

Bi-Polar Bear

And ofcourse…. some C&H

 

Facebook

 

Ta ta kiddos!

 

 

 

 

 

It’s sexy time!

All right kiddos, as promised, today’s post will be about sex and all that other good stuff.

First of all for those of you who don’t know what sex is: When a man and a woman fall in love something special happens……  Screw that! If you don’t know what sex is you shouldn’t even be using the internet! It’s full of porn pop-ups! Turn off your computer quickly, before you lose your mental virginity!

But no seriously, the reason I have decided to discuss this topic today is because I’ve been reading up on some diseases that you can get by just kissing people or sharing a drink. And I’ve, ahem, shared some drinks with people every now and then. Luckily, I’m clean as a whistle. Some people I know aren’t as lucky. So what can you get from innocent friendliness?

1. Mononucleosis: “The kissing disease”

Its basically like you have a really bad flu. Fever, extreme fatigue, weakness, sore throat and other good stuff.  The bastardly thing about this disease is that the fatigue is really bad and lasts about 2 months. And the the virus that causes this disease can hibernate in your body indefinitely, resurfacing at a later time. So once you have it you have the potential to give it to anybody….. hmmmm…. now that I think of it sounds kinda cool; my own personal biological weapon. If I was a mono carrier, I’d make out with people I didn’t like. Which would really suck for me, but it would be worse for them later on.

And oh yeah,  you think only hos and sluts get this disease? Wrong. Those wonderful slobbering things called babies also can carry the disease and infect you. Damn you baby hos! Damn you!!!

2. The mumps:

Do you remember the vaccine we took as kids? The MMR. Well, one of those Ms stands for mumps. Mumps is not that much fun to have. Why? Well, here’s why:

 

Painful swelling of the salivary glands- and sometimes testes, ouch!

3. Herpes:

Now you’ve all heard of herpes, I’m sure. Herpes is really gross. I mean  google the photos. Even I thought they were nasty and shouldn’t put them up. And that says alot. You can get herpes by kissing somebody on their lips (or their naughty palce *giggle*) and ofcourse sex. Heres’s one of the more acceptable pictures:

Ho eyes.

Some more facts about herpes is that those cold sore you get on your mouth? They’re a form of herpes (but most everybody gets those at one point and they go away on their own). Also, cats have they’re own form of herpes that they can transmit to other cats.

I was considering allowing my cat to have one night of wild animal sex with boredq80′s cat before I get him fixed. But now that I know about feline herpes, I’m reconsidering it. Sorry boredq80, but your cat looks promiscuous. I want to have my cats balls removed, not have them fall off because he had sex with some skanky cat. Sorry, boredq80. Lol

Anyway, enough about kissing lets move on to sex. Let me tell you what I think of sex:

Sex should be fun. Sex can be good exercise. Sex is probably a good anti-depressant. Unsafe sex can also give you tons of diseases- I won’t even bother getting into that. Now people constantly ask me if I’d had sex, and the answer is no. Why? Well, if I wasn’t kuwaiti I probably would have had sex by now, but I’m expected to be a virgin here. And yet, its not even about that; I mean seriously, fuck kuwaiti expectations. If I listen to that shit I’d be married with 5 kids by now.

And to me its not about morality. I don’t think non-married non-virigins are immoral or hos. Bitches can do whatever they want. Sooooo….. the question still remains: “Why am I a virgin?” and the answer is simply PUSSY CONTROL. That’s right. Just like Prince said; I’m gonna get bank in my pocket before I get dick in my drawers.

Really, that song is an anthem that all the stupid retarded marina-man hunting bitches should listen to. Really, to me those girls are no better than chickenhead hoodrats waiting on the corner in the ghetto.

Well, to sum up todays post: avoid making out and having sex with people, and if you don’t makeout out with people thinking you’re safe, you’re not. You’ll probably catch crap by playing with some baby. And I, personally, would prefer to get mono by playing tonsil-hockey with Brad Pitt rather than get it playing “this little piggy” with little cousin Jimmy.

 STAY SAFE AND PEACE OUT!

 PS: I forgot to tell you, when you get disease like the above you’re also more likely to get meningitis and encephalitis (swelling of the brain and its membranes). NASTY!

    

Hand to Hand Combat Facility

Remember the hand-slapping game you would play as a kid? Well, you can now play it virtually. Check out the Hand to Hand Combat Facility at:  http://www.acreativedesktop.com/animation-game-slaphands.html

Granted, its not half as fun. The whole fun of it was slapping the your opponents hand until they screamed and their hands turned bright red. Ahhhhhh…. the good ol’ days.

Also, to update you on some news: In case you didn’t know, some 7-Elevens have been temporarily converted into Kwik-E-Marts in preparation for the release of the new Simpsons movie (I’m soooo excited!).

Ofcourse, people are flocking to the eleven “new” Kwik-E-Marts in the US (there are 2 in Canada). Smart ad campaign if I may say so. Check out some pictures at: http://laist.com/2007/07/02/welcome_to_kwik.php

Another cool ad campaign is one for the Neunkirchen Zoo. Poor dog! Check it out at: http://www.scaryideas.com/print/2889/

I know I’m being lazy by not posting the pictures myself but, well, its my party and I’ll cry if I want to. You’ve been too spoiled- just click on the damned links.

Here are some more links:

Find out what a ZILF is: http://inferigame.com/zilf.html

WTF (this is scary): http://www.fazed.org/content/clock_spider/

 I’m really tired people. Disease is no fun – unless somebody else had a really bad one….. ooooo oooo I just remembered I have really awesome disease photos, that’ll be tomorrow’s post. That’s going to make me feel so much better! Yayyy!

Anyway, things are going to get worse for me before they get better, I’m going to have to get a small surgery done. So I might not be posting as regular. I’ll let you know what happens. Before i go here’s one picture for you. ta!:

Things You Need to Know

It’s important for all of you keep update with the goings on in the world. Something really important you have to know is the following:

I’m TOTALLY serious. The next No Pants Day is May 2nd, 2008. I’ll try to remember to remind you of it later.

Something else that’s important for you to know is not to mess with porcupines. Why? Well, here’s why:

 

I think they pulled a total of 1350 quills out of the poor dog.

Something else you should know is that the pain of birth can be shared (click the picture):

 

One last thing you should know is that you’re not the only one who’s special:

 

To finish off here’s a little comic for all of you:

Pickup Lines

 

 

 

 

Album Covers

Today’s post is going to be short because I managed to convince my boss to let me leave work so I can research a couple of things for our division (I need to leave in 5 minutes). So anyway, please enjoy a collection of the crappiest album covers ever:

 

 

 

 

 

Damn! Those album covers are hot! They make me want to touch my “naughty place” and think naughty thoughts. Don’t they just completely turn you on?

Especially, TINO (wayed im9adig he’s sexy).

These pictures are so erotic that I have to go somewhere with more privacy. See y’all tomorrow!

 

Stay Tuned

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s dicussion topic- Boobs: Just Plain Fun or Evolutionary Tool?

I would have posted it today, but I’m feeling kinda lazy and my head hurts. All I’m thinking of right now is sitting on a nice sunny beach, soaking up the sun with the best company you could ever have: Cerveza.

Man, I have to find a better job. Its only 11am and I’m already contemplating suicide cuz I’m so fucking bored.

Here’s some interesting news to keep you occupied:

A “neo-sexual” society fosters human intimacy with inanimate objects

Plus Japan’s shrine to facilitate couples breaking up; mandatory, loving spanking by parents; an extreme Islam that requires segregation of cucumbers and tomatoes; “turban pride”; and more in this week’s News of the Weird.

People can develop intimate, romantic relationships with objects (beyond mere fetishism, which produces only short-term arousal), according to one of Germany’s most renowned sexologists, Volkmar Sigusch, interviewed for a May report in Der Spiegel. A reporter claimed to find individuals infatuated with a Hammond organ (and who feared infidelity when a technician performed repairs), New York City’s Twin Towers (whose lover bathed with a miniature version), and the Berlin Wall (which a woman ceremoniously “married” in 1979 and legally changed her name in acknowledgment). Sigusch said this objectophilia was another indication of society’s increasing “neo-sexuality.” [Der Spiegel, 5-11-07]

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Weird Japan

Sachio Kawabata, 61, was awarded the equivalent of about $5,000 by a court in Kagoshima in January because the police abused him during interrogation over possible violations of election law. The judge found that Kawabata suffered “great mental anguish” when police wrote his family name and derogatory messages on pieces of paper and forced Kawabata to stomp on them. [Reuters, 5-7-07]

The house specialty at the 800-year-old Yasui Konpiragu Shrine in Kyoto, Japan, is the prayer for strength to end a marriage or other relationship, mostly offered by female visitors who crawl into a “wish tunnel,” but also available from on-site priests for the equivalent of about $50. Parents, also, may pray that a son or daughter ends a bad relationship. [Mainichi Daily News, 1-19-07]

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Latest Religious Messages

While the California Assembly debated an open-hand-only spanking bill for parents this spring, the Bethel Baptist Church in El Sobrante continued to demand that spanking by flexible rod is the only punishment acceptable to God and that will produce wisdom in the child. No sturdier weapon may be used, nor the open or closed hand, nor even mere yelling, according to a church pamphlet cited by InsideBayArea.com for a May report. Said one parishioner-parent, “With my girls, the spanking relieved them of their guilt, which allowed them to be happy in a very short time afterward.” Said another, “We disagree with timeouts. … That’s an attack on spanking.” [InsideBayArea.com, 4-28-07]

In May, The Times of London, interviewing witnesses in Diyala province in Iraq, described scenes from the hard-core Salafist version of Islam being enforced (similar to what the Taliban imposed in Afghanistan), including breaking the fingers of those who repeatedly smoked cigarettes, prohibiting grocers from displaying bananas (as “obscene”), and requiring them to screen cucumbers from tomatoes (as the latter are “feminine vegetables”). One local man said he assumed that another restriction that farmers modestly cover their goats’ “nether regions” was just a rumor, until he saw a goat wearing boxer shorts. [The Times (London), 5-3-07]

So many comments… So many…. but my head is about to explode, so I’ll leave it up to all of you to comment on the isanity of the world we live in.