Damn! I’m tyrannosaurus wrecked!

Mmmmmm! Mmmmm! I love sugarfree redbull!!!! Love it!

I just had a can (which I haven’t had in months – because I quit caffeine). I guess I just unquit caffiene. I love the stuff! It tastes awesome and I feel energetic, my foot wont stop tapping. I feel really good. But as is well known “what goes up, must come down”, so I know I’m going to feel pretty shitty quite soon.

But how great it is when you’re up! That’s the catch with drugs (yes, caffeine is a drug): Even if you don’t feel like crap when you are off of them, you know somethings missing when you are without them. You know that you could feel just a little bit better if you had a little. Just a little. Just a little bit to get your head straight *chugs redbull*.

Okay, I am exaggerating my love for redbull but I think that that little intro paved the way really nicely to today’s topic. Drugs! Yay!

Don’t get too excited all you crackwhores and junkies… I just found some interesting drug related links and stories. There’s no free peanutbutter and crack sandwiches here.

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Will your potential employer drug test you? Find out!

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Pot vending machines -Its about time!

Marijuana therapy is a part of anger managament? Really? So that’s why I’m angry all the time! This whole time all I needed was some pretty purple haze to calm me down. You can contribute to my therapy by donating to the Prophet Anger Management Fund (soon to accept PayPal payments!).

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Absinthe lollipops?

In case you’re a lazy mo’fo’ that didn’t bother clicking on the link there is one thing you HAVE TO read:

Will these lollipops get me wasted? – Hell fucking yes they will! You’ll be sent on an intergalactic trip to Holyshitland as soon as you take a lick. The crackhead on the street corner tried one and said it was better than smoking rocks. Try one and you’ll slice an ear off and give it to a hooker before you can say “Damn, I’m tyrannosaurus wrecked, what the hell happened to my ear?”

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That is poetry right there people! Read and learn! Those words up there are classic. I’m probably going to be quoting them for the next few years!

“You’ll be sent on an intergalactic trip to Holyshitland as soon as you take a lick!”

” Damn, I’m tyrannosaurus wrecked!”

Hahahahaha! Love it!

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Damn y’all, my boss walked in and I had to go to his office where I received the “you are the future, it’s your time to shine” lecture. Its now 3.30 and it looks like I’m not going to get out until atleast 5. Damnit!

 

Death and calculators aside…

Wooohoo! It’s Thursday bitches!!!!! I feel really good today. Even though I probably shouldn’t because somebody that works here just passed away yesterday. Allah yer7ama. And what’s really bad about it is what I thought when I first heard; “I wonder if they’ll give me his office”. I know, I know, I’m bad. But it isn’t my fault. First of all, the fact that I’ve been working here for 7 months and they still haven’t technically given me an office makes me feel that I need to take advantage of whatever opportunity comes my way. They’ve jaded me. I mean for God’s sake, I’ve been working here for 7 months and only today did they give me my own calculator. And I work in a motherfucking financial institution, a calculator is supposed to be the first thing you get. For 7 months I’ve been clicking away on my Windows calculator. I know I could’ve brought my own calculator, but I think that would’ve just increased my output and efficiency and they obviously don’t want that around here OTHERWISE THEY WOULD’VE GIVEN ME A FRIGGIN’ CALCULATOR.

Anyway, death and calculators aside, I feel pretty good today!

I think I would feel a little better if I ruin your days…. MUHAHAHAA!!! So I’m going to tell you a little story about myself and then lecture you (the lecture basically applies to females and some gay men):

People who know me know that I’m not exactly physically vain. i.e. I never ever put on tons of make up, most of the time I don’t wear any makeup at all, I don’t insist on wearing the latest fashions, I basically try to stay kinda simple and zen. A couple of months ago I got a huge lecture from a friend of mine basically stating: “Prophet! You’re a girl! You have to beautify yourself! You have to take care of your nails! Go get regular manicures!…etc.”

This girl’s nails are always manicured to perfection. They are always painted. Never a chip. She is more than a regular at the top nail places (N-Bar, N-Syle…etc.). And I have to admit her nails look good.

My nails aren’t bad. I always keep them clean, usually cut short, and I never bite them. I think they are okay. They’re normal.

Anyway, after her lecture, I think “Okay, how bad can it be? I’ll go to N-Bar every week or so”. Even though I hate being stuck in a chair for more than hour (I get butt-cramps).

Fast-forward a month or two. I start thinking: I’m not exactly into this, I don’t enjoy it getting it done, I’m trying to simply myself and my life not make it more complicated, why the hell am I doing this again?

So I decide I’m done with this whole getting manicures. If I want to paint my nails every once in a while I can do it myself. So that’s it I decide to take the polish off my nails. Lo and behold! My nails are yellowish! WTF? They were never like this! I look like I have freaking jaundice!

Basically, after researching it turns out nail polish tends to stain your nails. I was thinking, nail polish is basically a bunch of colors and chemicals that you are putting on your body, is staining really the worst of it? And guess what? It isn’t.

I’ll give you the summary of the worst of it: A chemical used in many nail polishes called DBP (dibutyl phthalate) which increases durability of nail polish has been shown to be a carcinogen and result in underdeveloped genitals and fertility problems in unborn males. So basically, it’ll increase your chances of getting cancer and your sons are going to have smaller dicks.

Now, I don’t want you to completely freak out, because at this moment there is still much debate concerning DBP. Lots of the companies that use it state that the amount the humans are exposed to is not enough to have these effects. Other environmental and consumer groups disagree. Anyway, there is research supporting both sides. The one thing that is undisputed is that your body does absorb the chemical. The long-term effects at this point are unclear.

So ladies, and gay men that get their nails polished, if you consistently polish your nails I truly think you are putting yourself at risk. Therefore don’t come complaining to me when your sons can’t please women, I warned you.

But don’t worry ladies! There is still hope for your vanity! Some cosmetics manufacturers have started making nail polish free of DBP. “Estee Lauder is among some major brands that have done that. But many others have not, including salon favorite OPI, cult fave Essie and ubiquitous bargain brand Sally Hansen. In 2004, OPI was forced to remove DBP from its polishes sold in Europe after the European Union banned it along with many other personal-care product ingredients known or strongly suspected of causing cancer, mutations or birth defects.”

Essie… Sound familiar? That’s right! Its that wonderful stuff they use at n-bar and n-style. Cancer, yum!

Now, some of you poor girls are probably sobbing in your seats, asking the question: “Why? Why Prophet? Why would companies sell what they know to be cancerous products? They wouldn’t, would they?”

My response is: Yeah they would retards! TIMMY! Why wouldn’t they? If it makes their product “better” and they could get away with it, why not? Do you remember how many years it took for the tobacco industry to admit that cigarettes were a carcinogen? Why should they admit to selling a dangerous product if it makes them billions? And, yes, they make billions upon billions. Thanks to the vanity of women the cosmetics industry is ONE OF THE MOST PROFITABLE INDUSTRIES on the planet.

Anyway, the power is yours!

Earth!
Fire!
Wind!
Water!
Heart!

GO PLANET!

With your powers combined I am Captain Planet!

Captain Planet, he’s our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
He’s our powers magnified,
And he’s fighting on the planet side

Captain Planet, he’s our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
Gonna help him put us under,
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder

“You’ll pay for this Captain Planet!”

(chanting)
We’re the planeteers,
You can be one too!
‘Cause saving our planet is the thing to do,
Looting and polluting is not the way,
Hear what Captain Planet has to say:

“THE POWER IS YOURS!”

What my co-workers have actually walked in on me doing

Haha! Just messin’ with ya!

Cool staple remover

2.% Mil euro guitar?…oh….

Good Idea. Bad Idea.

Hooray!

Who’s a good boy?

Disturbing children’s book 

My mom didn’t used to let me walk my dog because “it isn’t safe” it would’ve been more than safe if I had this dog…

Only in America

Mini-Video Time! In this one, a guy tries to snatch this tiny lady’s purse. But he gets owned! You go girl!!!

Video

 

PS: The crap make-up you put on your face can’t be that much better. According to an article I recently read in Bazaar magazine, women that apply makeup everyday absorb I think something like 4 lbs. of chemicals every year. SHASTY (Shitty and Nasty!!)!!!

 

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

So I walk into work today, ready to start my web browsing ritual, when I notice I can’t login to my bloody computer. Somebody else had previously logged in and forgot to log out. The good thing is it displays the person’s name. The weird thing was it was our ex-secretary (Jenny) that got moved to another floor, why the hell would she have logged into my computer? And she would have had to have logged in after work hours yesterday (after I left), or before I got in this morning.

This required further investigation. So I go up to our new secretary (let’s call her Missy) and ask her about the situation and if I could get old secretary’s phone number. Missy tells me that Jenny gave the teaboy (Rafeek) her login name and password so he could fuck around whenever he was bored.

Oh really? Now let me tell you a little something about Rafeek. He is this little Indian (or Sri Lankan- same difference) dude who gives you attitude if you tell him to do something like bring you tea (which is his fucking job). He also conveniently “forgets” (ignores) to do half the shit you tell him to do, and if he does do it takes him a year. To make things worse, the little rat is a spy. Seriously, he spies for our boss, and constantly reports our activities to him. Anyway, as you can tell, I’m not a fan.

So anyway, I go to Rafeek and ask him straight up “Did you login to my computer?”.

Rafeek: *moments pause* No.

My initial thought is liar, liar, pants on fire! But I know better than to say that.

Prophet: Oh okay, so I’ll just go and ask Jenny if she came and logged into my computer. Before I do that, I’m going to ask you one more time: Did you login to my computer?

Rafeek: *puts his head down in shame- pretend shame because he has none* Yes.

Prophet: Come into my office and log out.

Rafeek proceeds to do as he is told, for the first bloody time in his life, and the following conversation ensues (I wish I could have told him what’s really on my mind but I’m trying to maintain the “I’m nice” image around here – which he has taken advantage of).

Rafeek: Ummm… I used it because sometimes management calls and they want something from the internet.

At this point your probably thinking what I was thinking (again liar liar) but this one is obvious. You are a motherfucking teaboy. And a retarded one at that. What management would call you to do shit, motherfucker? But I’m too polite to say that.

Prophet: Uh-huh. Yeah. I’m sure. But next time, you could ask my permission first, and when I ask you about it, you don’t lie to me.

Rafeek: *hangs head* okay.

I am way too fucking nice. But at this moment I own that motherfucker. From now on I command him. He’s a big liar, and now he knows that I know and I have proof and witnesses (Missy). If it wasn’t ramadan, I’d have told him to “get me tea! on the double! *finger snap*”. He’d probably spit in it, but that’s besides the point. I own you bitch, you’d better not disrespect me or else I will voice very loudly, and in a very embarrassing way for you, how your are a lying motherfucker.

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In more office news, I’m finally getting an office, a real office that’s just for me. Hoora! And I’m going to be so protective of it. Nobody sits and touches my shit. As in if I catch Rafeek touching my computer sitting on my chair I swear to God I’m going to try my utmost to have him fired. And I really think I will be able to. Just go to HR and tell them that the security of information in our division has been compromised, and there is major internal risk, because I’ve noticed people have been sharing their logins and passwords with unauthorized personnel (ie. Rafeek), which results in huge risk issues for this fine establishment. Such unauthorized personnel have access to confidential documents (the secretary worked for our GM) and could leak them to our competitors at any time. What a horrible scandal that would be if that happen! So I would request that Rafeek be fired (Jenny would probably be fired too- too bad she’s nice- but sacrifices must be made for the greater good). And also, in return for my silence- you know not causing a stir, I want a bigger office, a bonus, and I want to bring my cat to work.

I think they’d give me what I want (okay, well, maybe not the cat thing :( ). Or what I could do is threaten Rafeek with me ratting him out and make him my personal slave. “Rafeek, I need to put my feet up. No, no, don’t get me another chair. Get down on all fours. That’s right. Ahhhhhhhhh……”

So what do you think? Better salary or personal slave. Better salary is cool but you can’t put a price on slavery, that comes from black mail the heart.

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Yeah, so you know, how I said I’ve lost my feelings? Well, as is proven from the story above, and as was pointed out by a friend, I still derive a small amount of pleasure from evil things. Maybe that means I’m going to become a serial killer… Hmmmmm *evil grin*.

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On to the randomness!

First, a statement in relation to out first story. I quit red bull a while back because I realized I was just putting crap in my body that I didn’t need. I would drink two cans at work, in an attempt to stay awake. They I realized that there was no need to be alert (or concious at all for that matter) in this place. So anyway I quit Red Bull. But I wouldn’t have if I’d known this.

I have now decided to distribute red bull to everybody I know. FREE RED BULL FOR EVERYONE!

In other news, I thought this was a beautiful story. I need a pigeon. Something that would love me unconditionally. *sob* I’m so lonely. Lol.

Now, that I think of it, a pigeon is a bad choice. I could imagine me going. “I love you Tweety, you’re my bestest friend ever!” *cooo* * I bring Tweety closer to my face to kiss him affectionately* *Tweety pecks my eyes out- “The Birds” style*.

Birds are evil creatures and they carry the bird flu! Evil, evil creatures!

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Anyway, for those of you that care about your sneakers, your coolness, and your street cred, may care to know about the coolest ways to tie your shoelaces. Check it out!

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And now it’s picture time! The first two pictures need an introduction. Before a big soccer match, an Argentinian condom manufacturer ran the upper (the first) advertisement, bragging about what Argentina would do to Brazil. After Argentina lost the game, the Brazilian football organization ran the lower ad.

 

 

 

Bart dressed as a suicide bomber-

I like to call him Moh’d Jihad

 

 

Halo 3 is out! I want!

 

Mini-Retarded video time! These videos come with the title “types of music you shouldn’t let your cat listen to”. They really are retarded. I love the Stevie Wonder one because the cat moves the exact same way Stevie Wonder does when he sings, how evil!

 

Barry White

 

 

 

 

 

Gansta Rap

 

 

 

 

 

Heavy Metal

 

 

 

 

 

House

 

 

 

 

 

Techno / Electronica while on Ecstasy

 

 

 

 

 

Stevie Wonder

 

 

This is panning out to be a very lovely day indeed. I’m off then! Turrrrraaaaaaaaaa!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, take your bloody time!

Yeah, I’m posting again. I’m still at work. I can’t leave until I get word from HR. Despite the fact that their job is easy as hell, if they do anything at all that is, they take their bloody time.
You’d think a large financial institution would understand the value of time and speedy decisions, but noooooooooo…….. idiots.

And so, my entire world is on hold as I wait for HR.

I curse you HR. I curse you! May the fleas from a thousand camels infest your pubic hair!

Anyway, an important announcement:

Happy Birthday Chirp! This comic is for you:

 

And with that out of the way…. it’s time for the radiology picture of the day:

Luo Cuifen, 29 of Beijing, China, consulted doctors after noticing blood in her urine. Turns out she has 23 inch-long needles in her gut. Surgeons will now carefully remove the needles that allegedly were inserted by her grandparents who were hoping to kill her. From the Associated Press:

Many of the needles have worked their way into Luo’s vital organs including her lungs, liver, bladder and kidneys, making their removal difficult, said Qu Rui, a spokesman for the Richland International Hospital in Yunnan province’s capital, Kunming…

Qu said doctors believe the woman’s grandparents may have inserted the needles long ago, hoping she would die and her parents might have a boy in her place. China limits most families to just one child, although rural Chinese may be allowed to have a second if their first is a girl, subject to the payment of fines.

It wasn’t clear whether further investigations into the case were planned, with media reports saying Luo’s grandparents had already died.

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Russian Posers- check out the link

Creepy Lenses – Link

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It’s random picture time! The first picture needs a brief introduction. You know those times when your sitting in your office and something’s just missing? Something that makes work so much more pleasant: Beer.

But where can you store your precious beer stock? A fridge in the middle of your office is very suspicious. Well thank God ladies and gents because some divine genuis out there created his thing:

 

Seriously, God bless you brother, whoever you are.

Viagra Ad

 

Pool – I’m not sure if I posted this one before

 

Cool wedding photo!

 

The bride who drank too much

 

Looool

 

Kung-Fu Kitty

 

Quote of the Day:

“ Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal. ” -Demetri Martin

And another one by Demetri Martin:

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. “

 

 

 

 

 

Aliens and Judgment Day

I told you that this day was possibly coming soon. It is a day when your whole world ends. Yes, my friends, it is judgment day: I’m finally leaving my job (I think-if today goes the way its supposed to).

Hush now little ones. Don’t shed any more tears. You don’t know whats going to happen. I might still post but I really don’t know anymore. I have decided, despite my parents disapproval, to try one last desperate attempt to follow my dreams. And so it is with that that I’m off to journey the unknown and unpaved path that I know is going to suck ass. But I have to try, I’ll regret it forever if I don’t.

With that farewell message to all of you out of the way, we can resume today’s post. As promised, it’s alien day!

Now, today’s post originates from some video that a friend of mine showed me that showed some UFOs flying over some place in Saudi. Now, I think he expected me to freak out, like my other friend who went “this is a sign that its judgement day, the world is coming to an end” or something to that effect.

Now, first of all, why would you believe that that video is real? Because its in Saudi? Are you insulting Saudi doctoring skills? Shame on you. Saudis are the best fakers. Just look at the double (hypocrisy-filled) lives they lead. Now, now, if you’re Saudi and offended by the comment I just made, I’m sorry *cough*- I’m sorry that you born in Saudi, its not your fault.

Second of all, so what if there are aliens? Pictures and videos of aliens have been around since forever. And so what? You’rejust nervous that things are going to change here on Earth. Maybe they’re coming to fix all the fuck-ups us humans have made ie. war with our own kind, global warming, famine in a world of abudancy. I think they should come and kill alot of us, just so that they kill off alot of the retards around. And then maybe, just maybe, when we are trying to rebuild our civilizations we’ll to it right this time.

And if they’re here just to blow things up for no reason and eat our human flesh, I’m up for the challenge. I would prefer to die in an epic battle to save the human race than die in a car accident (which is very likely here in Kuwait).

Third of all, which is really funny to me: when I told a co-worker about the whole alien video judgment day thing, she said: “Well, its possible, you know. When judgement day comes and people like Al-Mahdi, and Gog and Magog reappear we don’t know how they are going to appear and in what form.”

Seriously? As in, they are going to come back in spaceships in alien form? Loool… that’s just so funny to me. I guess it could happen maybe…. uh…. I guess… I mean I wouldn’t want to make fun of anybody’s relegious beliefs, now would I? I respect all relegions…. Hahaaha… see what I did there? Its called sarcasm…. get it? get it?

Anyway, what do you think? Do you think Jesus is going to come down from a UFO?

Anyway, check out the picture below, which people think is totally real. It’s supposed to be of an alien (possibly Al-Mahdi reappearing) and the people in the picture are freaking out.

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Hahahaha!!!!! Man! I’m going to miss you guys. You’re so gullible!

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m going to go to hell. Saying all this shit on the first day of ramadan. But firstly, for Shia ramadan is tomorrow (yes! I’m saved by a technicality! Whew! That was a close one!) Also, since I’m Shia I can make fun of Al-Mahdi, he’s my homie. Just like I can make fun of Hasan Nasarallah, but you sunna can’t. Nananabooboo!

I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong and just because its ramadan I’m not going to stop. Here’s the thing I’ve been trying to convey to people my entire life. You shouldn’t not be doing things because its ramadan. You shouldn’t do bad things because it is wrong.

I don’t like it when people say “Oh I don’t do #insert word# during ramadan” but they do it the rest of the year. What does that mean when you do that? It means you know its wrong and you just don’t do it when you feel you’re going to get punished for it extra.
What do you think God is thinking of you right now? He’s probably thinking “Okay he knows and feels it’s wrong but he does it anyway. He just doesn’t do it sometimes because he’s scared of punishment. So in conclusion this person does not avoid “sin” because its wrong but because he’s a coward.”

So what about me? I feel that the things I do are not wrong, in fact I’m convinced that they aren’t. So I do them all the time. No matter what time of year. Let’s say, for arguement’s sake, that the things I do are considered wrong in God’s eyes, who do you think God spites more? Someone who thinks what they do is good and doesn’t know any better, or somebody who knows what they do is wrong but does it anyway?

My point is also my Prophet’s Lesson of the Day: Do good and avoid bad all year-round. God isn’t blind the rest of the year you know.

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Now that we’re done with the morality part of the post, let’s talk a little about me. I’m passing through a hard time right now. And for most of my life I’ve been in pain (not necessarily physical)- which is why I am how I am. What always makes me feel better is knowing others have been in more pain than me (as messed up as that is its true). Anyway, I thought I’d post some things that make me feel lucky to be me:

Heretic’s Fork

One end of this device was pushed under the chin, the other into the sternum, with the strap securing this torture tool to the victim’s neck. Immobilized and in great pain, the victim will have to mouth off the Latin word “abiuro” (I recant), or they’ll end up being hanged or worse, burned at the stake.

 

Lead Sprinkler

This tool, which kinda reminds me of a holy water sprinkler, was filled with either molten lead, tar, boiling oil or boiling water, then used to torture bless its victims by dripping its contents on their stomach, back and other body parts. Sounds like standard S&M practice to me, only with a greater deal of pain.

 

Tongue Tearer

Countless heretics and blasphemers had their tongues roughly torn out with this simple device.

 

The Rack

The rack is a contraption designed to dislocate every single joint in its victim’s body. Tied across the device’s board by the ankles and wrists, the victim’s body is then pulled in opposite directions by turning rollers at either end of the board. Great way of relieving a bad back, if you ask me. Of course, the subsequent pain caused by the multiple dislocations is another story.

That’s enough torture pictures for now I guess. I have better pictures for you. This first one is unpleasant but to me it signifies a part of ramadan. I don’t fast because I get credit with God. I do it, firstly, because it’s a good detox from all the crappy food I eat. I’m seriously considering semi-fasting for the rest of the year. It’s very physically cleansing. And secondly, in this fucked up world of ours, while we feast others die with nothing in their bellies. Fasting reminds me of that… it reminds me that there are others that live much harder lives than I do. But keep in mind fasting helps nobody but you. It’s not going to miracously put food on somebody’s table. You have to give (in a material sense-don’t just pray that somebody helps them- GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT)…. and there are alot of people who need your help:

Incase you can’t tell, that’s a photo of a child dying of starvation. And right behind the child is a vulture, waiting for him to die…. nobody helped the child just in case you were wondering.

I don’t mean to get all of you down, but I want you to truly feel how lucky you are. And I want you to know that you aren’t not eating so that you can have a huge fun feast with friends and family and completely ignore the plight of your fellow man. Ramadan is not meant to be fun, atleast I don’t think it should be.

I know you come here to laugh your asses off but its my responsibility to teach you a few things every now and then even if it isn’t fun.

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Anyway, I don’t know if you’re in the mood to see pictures and comics but I’m going to post some anyway. But a joke I heard first:

Im7ashish gal “Ya rait ramadan mithil kaas il-3alam: mara kil arba3 sineen, oo kil mara ib dawla!”

I don’t know, I thought it was funny.

Cocoon Tent Thingy- I want this so bad!

 

Baseball Bloopers

Why is the black guy freaking out about a water balloon?

 

Comics

 

Quote of the Day:

” Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
If you listen carefully now you will hear.
This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Things are not the way they used to be,
I wont tell no lie;
One and all have to face reality now.
though Ive tried to find the answer to all the questions they ask.
though I know its impossible to go livin through the past -
Dont tell no lie.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air -
Cant keep them down -
If you listen carefully now you will hear.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.

This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die – dont ask me why.

Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air -
I wont tell no lie;
If you listen carefully now you will hear:
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air.
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Theres a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air;
Such a natural mystic blowing through the air.”

-Bob Marley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And you want me to quit smoking?

You know, when I tell somebody a problem or complain about something I don’t want want to be criticized. I want to be comforted, I want you to curse the source of my problem. I don’t want you to zif me. You’re not helping me whatsoever, you’re just stressing me out.

Let me explain to you more clearly what I’m talking about:

I hate my job, you know that. Most of the work I get, when I get it, is super retarded. TIMMY! For example, today, all I’ve been doing is changing the color schemes and formats on power point presentations. What the fuck? I didn’t get a degree from a top 20 business school to do shit I learnt to do in middle school computer class. I hate it! God-fucking-damnit!

I know that I shouldn’t be here. The only reason I am here is because I have nothing better to do. Atleast that was before. Now, I want to start studying for the GRE and filling out applications…etc. So now, I want to quit. Now, this is all nothing really new. What annoys me about it are my parents. What do my parents have to do with it? They are soooo unhelpful. Okay, I never expected them to be helpful, but atleast don’t put me down.

So my mother calls me today, at work…

Prophet (P): I hate my job, I hate it. I want to quit. Seriously. I want to quit today.

Mumsy (M): Don’t be in such a rush! Why are you in such a rush?

P: I have to study and apply for graduate programs. The application is due October 1st.

M: So? Study at work.

(Now this is theoretically a good idea, except there is no way I can study in this atmosphere and they do give me work to do – really retarded work-but it’s still time consuming.)

P: I can’t, I do things around here, stupid shit, but I do things nonetheless.

M: Tell them you’re not going to do that shit anymore!

P: What? I can’t just say I’m not going to do the work they assign me anymore and sit on my ass. The way you say “I’m not going to do this shit anymore” is quit!

M: No, its your fault for doing the stuff they give you. You should’ve told them the minute they give you that shit to do that you wouldn’t do it!

(The above statement is probably slightly true, but what the fuck ma? you’re supposed to make me feel better not make me feel like crap. and besides you’re supposed to do what your boss tells you, right? I mean he didn’t ask me to scrub the toilets, he asked me to do the only shit they have to do around here: which is pretend to work by changing the colors on things)

P: I’m not the only one that does this shit. This what people do here!!!!

M: *blah blah blah*

P: Ma, you’re not getting my point… *blah blah blah*

P: God damnit! Fine ma! Fine! I’ll talk to you when I get home. Bye.

*tear my hair out of my head*

Everytime I talk to my mom about anything she drives me insane!!!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCK!

I’m so pissed. And I know why: because I have to keep quite and be respectful and keep it all in (I can’t just shut the phone). One day, I swear to God, I’m going to kill somebody because I’m so frustrated. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I really want to scream but I’m still at work: GOD DAMNIT!

There are shooting pains in my head and my arms; I think I might be having a heart attack.

Okay… fine, I’m not. But one day I will. I don’t need all this stress.

All this stress and you want me to quit smoking?

_____________________

Anyway, not everything in life is bad. I know one thing that good. Rainbows? No! Tampons? No!……. the new iPods!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!

 

iPod Hero: Touch me baby… yeah..like that…

 

iPhone (left) iPod (right)

 

iPod Classic: Much slimmer and holds up to 160 GB!

 

Renovated iPod Nanooooooooo

 

A couple of other kick-ass stuff:

Spaceport America (as in “interplanetary travel”)

OPENING 2010!

 

Batwing Fan

 

Simpson’s House (it’s real)

 

Spy Sunglasses – I want!

 

Quote of the Day:

“Tooomz is the one that makes the boys cry.” – Chirp

 

 

Forbidden Love

Since I’ve been posting about my cat I might as well let you know what’s going on in his life. As some of you may know, Chirp has a female cat. And she wants my Fahood to sire her kittens. I just want him to screw her cat and enjoy himself (I’m sorry Chirp, but my cat has commitment issues, but they’ll always stay friends).

I’ve been debating with myself whether I should let him romp around but then cruelly take that pleasure away from him (his balls are going to be removed). After much debate, I decided I’d let him meet Chirp’s cat and see what happens (honestly what I wanted to happen was for him to mount her and I’d videotape the whole thing and call it…. ummm… fuck fest ‘07- and then I could sell the tape as porn and make some money off of it). I think people in Kuwait with buy it right? I mean the retarded sexually-frustrated guys in Kuwait would buy anything labeled “fuck fest” right? And even if they find out it’s cat porn (I wonder if such a thing exists), once I explain some things to them I’m sure they’d buy it. Here are some things you should know about cat husbandry (mating and breeding) that will definitely tempt you to buy my cat porn:

1. Male tomcats have barbed penises. What is a barbed penis? Watch my cat porn to find out!

(The barbed penis helps stimulate ovulation FYI)

2. When the deed is done and the tomcat withdraws, the female lets out a really loud cry. Is it a cry of pain (from the barbed penis perhaps?) or a cry of pleasure? Watch my cat porn and judge for yourself!

3. Copulation (the process of fucking-for all you laymen) occurs many times when the female is in heat. Therefore the video is going to be long: more bang for your buck!

4. Females will mate with multiple partners if given the chance. If impregnated, the kittens she has, even though they are in the same litter, may be from different fathers. If Chirps cat mates with other cats, I will add a special feature to my cat porn:

” After the fact: Who my baby daddy?” Featuring Maury Povich. In this segment all the kittens will undergo DNA testing to find out who is the father.

When one of the kittens is proven to be from another father my cat is going to go “I told you bitch! I told you! Whateva! Whateva! Huh!” *does the moonwalk*. Well, actually, he’d probably just go “Meow” and then lick his crotch area.

So after hearing all that, you’d be tempted, atleast a little, to buy my cat porn, right?

Anyway, all my dreams were shattered when my father forbade the meeting of my and Chirp’s cat. I think it was because it would be cruel to give Fahood that kind of pleasure and then have it taken away, but he wouldn’t really discuss it. My mom said “Eeeee! I7na ma 3indina sbayyan yit3arafon 3ala banat oo hal kharabeet! lol”.

And so the love between the two cats has been forbidden.

In retrospect, as much as I would enjoy marketing cat porn, my parents are right. It would be cruel to take away such a pleasure from any creature once it’s known to him. Forgetting the cat porn, the real reason I wanted my cat to “do it” was because my brother would constantly tease my cat with “You’re gonna die a virgin! Nananana!”, which I know my cat doesn’t understand, but I do, and I know I wouldn’t want to die a virgin. So what do you all think? Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Wow, its amazing how I can turn things like cat porn into something so deep. I’m so awesome *hug myself*.

A cat doing a ferret – I think its considered rape

Here are a couple of random pictures for all of you:

iPod-Compatible Pants

 

Hmmmm…?

 

From the Internet

 

Lumpfish

 

Trying to put the old pics up again:

Que?

Anyway, as you can tell from my previous post I’m not having the best week. But that doesn’t mean that you should get depressed and have a crappy week. So I just thought I’d be a little positive and tell you about some things I saw today that made me say “Que?”

First of all, KDD is putting up new ads for ramadan. One of these is for “qamar al-deen” drink which I always thought was tamarind, right? Then why the hell do they have a picture of the apricot drink on there? KDD won’t fool me!

Second of all, a bus passed by me today and there was a large ad stuck on it for “fawazeer 7alima”. As in 7alima Boland. She was dressed in a raggedy-ann outfit. I really don’t understand 7alima. Nor do I want to (I think that the RSPCA should just put that bitch down). But I do want to understand why she is so popular. Now, I’ve seen her on TV a couple of times, I enjoy tamaskharing on her (on how she dresses and the way she behaves). My question is: Is she popular because everybody makes fun of her or is it because she is considered fashionably cool and, dare I say it, kuwaiti girls want to emulate her? I would very much appreciate your input on this.

Third of all, I was walking to work when I could have sworn I saw Nicolas Cage. Well, kinda, I saw a hindi Nicolas Cage. Close enough, in my opinion.

So tell me, what has recently made you say “Que?!”

I also say “Donde estan mis pantalones?” alot, but that’s a completely different story.

Also, I have to make some small political commentary (obviously not concerning kuwaiti politics-because we all know what happens if I do that). So I’m going to address all you people that can vote in next year’s US presidential elections. Everbody knows what you have to do on Novemeber 4th of 2008: You gotsta….

Oh yeah, another thing that makes me say “que?” is this pop-up that keeps appearing on my computer. I don’t understand it. Why is there a whore in the background? If I want horoscopes I’m not going to click a pop-up with some prostitute on it. And if I want porn I’m not going to go to a horoscope website. I don’t understand the market they’re trying to reach with this pop-up. Let’s think about it….. hmmmm….. Horny Horoscopes. I think that that could actually have a following. I’d read it for a good laugh. Something like:

“Make sure to trim the bush, somebody is going to go down on you today.”

I should really start charging for all these awesome business ideas I give to y’all. I knew my business degree wasn’t useless!

Oh yeah, did you notice the “click here” on her ass? You gotta love that.

 

 

Quote of the Day:

“Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.”

 

 

 

Dark Confessions of a Twisted Mind

Yeah, yeah, I know, I didn’t post yesterday. I have other things to do you know, I’m not your slave. You can’t just turn me on and off like a light switch you know. God, I’m so under-appreciated.

Anyway, I finished the first season of Dexter yesterday. Quite a good series I must say. Its twisted but I really relate to it. Not that I’m a serial killer, yet, but I understand how it feels to be alone and feel nobody really understands you. There is nobody who really knows me, all of me. There are many people who know different parts of who I am but there is nobody on this earth that knows all of me. And that makes me really sad sometimes.

I just want to be happy, but for some reason I can’t. I can have negative emotions, like anger, sadness and hate, but the positive ones are hard for me. And I can laugh (I laugh alot) and I can feel happiness sometimes be I don’t know if I can BE happy. I don’t know how I feel anymore. The best I can describe it is that I constantly search for temporary highs to make me think that I’m happy. But I’m just deceiving myself. You know that song “there’s gotta be more (to life)”? That’s how I feel.

Anyway, I have no idea why I’m telling you all this (especially since some of you out there know who I am). I don’t want sympathy, I guess I just want somebody out there to say they understand (and actually mean it).

Let’s see, as long as I’m on a roll here I might as well admit to you some more evil things about me.

I enjoy the sight of blood. It turns me on, and I don’t mean sexually, thank you very much. I mean that it excites me. I find blood (only if its running) fascinating and a little bit enchanting. Everytime I’d say that to somebody, even tough macho guys, they freak out a little, like they think I’m going to stab them to see their blood. It’s not like that, just think of it as you think of somebody who likes chocolate. They probably wouldn’t stab somebody with some Cadbury in their pocket. They’d probably just watch longingly as the person eats it, right?

Another thing about me is that I cherish my sleep. It’s beyond sacred to me. I prefer sleeping over being awake. So HUGE WARNING to everybody who knows me: DO NOT BOTHER ME WHEN I’M SLEEPY, SLEEPING OR GOING TO SLEEP.

Now, let me clarify a couple of things. I’m no morbid goth (I like pokemon). And just because I enjoy the sight of blood does not mean I would ever cut myself (I swear those are cat scrathes on my hands and arms! Muhahahaha!). And contrary to popular belief, just because I prefer sleeping to being awake, it does not mean want to be dead. I just want to be asleep, there’s a huge difference.

Anyway, I guess this should be considered my “personal” post, which for most other girls would be considered one about not being able to lose weight and get married or something retarded like that. Don’t you feel closer to me now that you know something a little different about me?

I also like teddy bears and long walks on the beach. Call me!

PS: None of you told me whether you want “drug week” or not. Gosh! You guys suck! Fine, no drugs for you!

I’m sick

I’m sick you guys (many people say in more than one way). Anyway, I’m ill, or atleast I’m getting there. I get these ups and downs. One minute I’m fine, another minute I feel like I’m going to pass out. Fucked up…. anyway, so I got hopped up on vitamin C yesterday. It makes you hyperactive if you take too much and your pee turns fluorescent yellow (wicked!).

So I just wanted to explain, if I was acting weirder than usual, its because of the vitamin C overdose. Also the loud-volumed speaking (AKA yelling) is because my ears get horribly blocked when I get sick.

Also, please note that vitamin C will keep you awake if you take it too late in the day. I couldn’t sleep yesterday until 3 am. Which sucks monkey balls because I have to be at work by 7:30. I manage to drag myself to work on time. I show up here, with my rayban wayfarers on and I don’t take them off (because my eyes are all puffy and shit) and people look at me all suspicious (including my boss). I explain its because I’m sick, I don’t think they believe me. But I swear, I’m not hungover! Not today anyway….

Rayban Wayfarers

 

Vitamin C is my drug of choice. But it doesn’t really take care of those nasty flu aches and pains. What does? Thats right!: FLAVORED COCAINE! Yummmmy! Its most popular flavors are coconut, strawberry, banana and chocolate.

What does it taste like? The strawberry one tastes “like Strawberry Shortcake just peed down the back of my throat” according to TMZ.com

Flavored cocaine: If that isn’t marketing to children I don’t know what is.

What I do know is snorting things in general is bad for you, don’t do it! Especially, don’t snort powdered sugar candy like Pixie Stix. It might seem like fun because all the other kids are doing it, but just say no! Trust me… just say no to the Pixies *sob*

Pixie Stix

Pixie Stix Being Snorted

_____________________________

There are stranger and cooler things in this world than snorting candy. For example:

Glow in the Dark Mushrooms

With the arrival of Japan’s rainy season, a mysterious type of green, glow-in-the-dark mushroom begins to sprout in Wakayama prefecture. The Mycena lux-coeli mushrooms, known locally as shii no tomobishi-dake (literally, “chinquapin glow mushrooms”), sprout from fallen chinquapin trees. As they grow, a chemical reaction involving luciferin (a light-emitting pigment contained within the mushrooms) occurs, causing them to glow a ghostly green. (Kiwipulse)

Luciferin is also on of the chemicals that causes fireflies to light up. I wish I had luciferin in my body. I would use it to convey messages to those around me. For example, if my boobs lightup that means: I’m horny. Wow, glow in the dark boobs would be cool. I would sooooo be the most popular person at a rave. While all the rest of the girls are trying to dance all sexy with their glowsticks, I’d just take my top off and go”That’s right bitches, they glow in the dark! Woooo woooo! Motorboat!” *brrrrrrrrrmmmm*

That last one is for my little friend who I saved in the time of the Bonbonas stool adventure. (The rest of you might not get it).

You know who has great green boobs? The starbucks mermaid, atleast the one that’s in Whitechapel in England. They put those burlesque nipple covers on her:

and just FYI. The starbucks logo used to be different before it was taken over by the corporate devils. She used to have nipples and a bellybutton. But they changed the logo so that she wouldn’t offend people. Here’s how she used to look:

Anyway, you know what I would really like to have: The paintball gun below. I’ve haven’t paintballed yet. But I know if I had this gun I’d kick-ass at it.

Man, the insides of my ears itch like crazy! Would it be too inappropriate if I stuck my finger in there and gave them a good scratch? I mean if my cat can lick his balls then I should be able to stick my finger into my ears, right? Fine! I’ll just wait until I get home and use a q-tip. Gosh! You guys are so judgmental!

Anyway, since we started off on the topic of drug, we’ll end with it. Here’s a nice read from BileDuct (I can’t remember if I posted it before- my memory sucks: damn you Pixie Stix, DAMN YOUUUUUUUUU!)

 

This is Your Child on Drugs.

So I was watching TV the other day and saw a new Partnership for a Drug-Free America commercial. Actually I don’t think they’re called that anymore. They have some new 21st century name or something. Anyway, you know who I’m talking about. The commercial featured an average looking teenage boy doing a talking-head monologue that went something like this:

Hey teenager, are your parents watching this with you? Good. Have they talked to you about the drug ecstasy yet? No? They still think partying is about drinking beer, huh? They don’t know good kids just like you take ecstasy. They’ve never asked about the vitamins in your room or the glow-stick jewelry. Ecstasy can kill you and drugs are bad.

OK, I don’t think he actually said “drugs are bad”, but I forget how he wraps up.

Anyway, I just want to say thank God for this commercial! It’s high time parents were made aware of the drug ecstasy (not to be confused with the emotion ecstasy) and its inextricable link to glow-stick jewelry. Where there is glow-stick jewelry there is, without a doubt, ecstasy. Probably ketamine too.

But unfortunately, this commercial doesn’t go nearly far enough toward educating parents. Every drug out there has definitive warning signs, so as a public service I’m going to list them below.

By far, the biggest indicator of drug use in general is moodiness and rebelliousness in teenagers. Non drug using teenagers are perfectly happy, self-actualized individuals that have super relationships with their parents and their entire families. If your teenager shies away from family activities and seems to want to spend a lot of time out of the house or alone, seek counseling immediately.

If your teenager exhibits moodiness and rebellion, the music he or she listens to and the way they dress can help you determine exactly what drug they are addicted to. Generally speaking, if your child listens to the same music you listened to when you were young, it’s a safe bet they take the same drugs you did. Classic rock means marijuana and 80’s pop is a sure sign of cocaine.

Here are some specific warning signs that your child is in trouble with drugs and other nefarious activities.

Does your child wear baggy hip-hop clothing and listen to rap music?

Your child smokes crack.

Does your child wear tie-dyed t-shirts and listen to The Grateful Dead, Phish, Widespread Panic or Government Mule?

Your child smokes pot and takes LSD.

Does your child listen to The Velvet Underground or Nirvana?

Definitely heroin. If no track marks are evident, he or she shoots it under his toenails or eyelids.

Does your child listen to heavy metal music?

Methamphetamine.

Does your child listen to the blues?

Your child shot a man in Memphis.

Does your child listen to Marilyn Manson?

Your child worships The Devil and fucks dead kittens (unless your child is a girl, in which case she fucks live dobermans).

Does your child listen to techno dance music?

Ecstasy and ketamine again. That this was left out of the PSA described above is a huge disservice to paranoid parents.

Does your child wear ripped clothing, dye their hair funny colors and listen to punk rock?

Your child sniffs butyl nitrate and is probably bisexual, unless they are just a poseur.

Is your child a high-school cheerleader or football player?

You have nothing to worry about. Your child is a good old fashioned red blooded American alcoholic.

Does your child listen to 1940’s swing music by black bandleaders?

Your child smokes marijuana, but spells it “marihuana”.

Does your child lift weights?

Duh!! Steroids!! If your daughter lifts weights she probably also wolfs muff.

Is your child a teen starlet?

She smokes cigarettes and snorts cocaine.

Does your child wear Wranglers jeans, shirts with snap buttons and listen to country and/or western music?

Again, nothing to worry about. It’s only beer and Jack Daniels.

Does your teenage daughter spend much of her free time at the mall?

Your daughter sucks cock for money.

Does your teenage son spend much of his free time at the mall?

Your son sucks cock for free.

Does your child listen to Christian rock?

Your child is an idiot. They also have no taste and no friends.

Would your child rather spend time on the internet than watching TV?

This is huge. The best you can hope for is that your child is a geek. Other signs of geekdom include reading when not required to (especially science fiction), Monty Python and Dungeons and Dragons. Dungeons and Dragons is also a sure sign of Satanism, so seek immediate religious counseling and possibly exorcism.

If internet use is high but no symptoms of geekdom exist, there is only one other possibility. Your child is meeting middle-aged men in chat rooms then meeting them at the mall to have sex with them.

Does your teen seem nervous around the opposite sex?

Your child is homosexual.

While the temptations facing teens in the 21st century are many, by familiarizing yourself with the warning signs and remaining vigilant, you can save your children. If your child exhibits any of these warning signs, they should be institutionalized at once.

____________________________________

______________________________________________

 

Quote of the Day:

“You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.” – Rowan Atkinson.